new years..
i feel so empty inside. some odd thought told this ignorant little girl that with the new year would come a new feeling. new glory, and new drive and motivation. they lied.
i thought every thing would get better, i'm on auto pilot. i thought my prideless letter would make me feel better, and it did until i managed to pull my head up out of the ben and jerrys. after which i realized i couldn't give 3 shits what you think. you're a hopeless bitch, and don't deserve half of the love you're given. i hope you're happy. i hope the new year brings you everything your little selfish heart desires. but theres one thing you have that i don't.. to which i am completely envious. being genuinly happy with everyone of your many faults.
day 4... and this year doesn't look promising. i had such a good feeling, such inspiration that this year from day one would bring me nothing but that clean feeling.. the feeling you get when you're laughing with every spirit you have and you fear or think nothing. when nothing matters but being able to catch your breath and smile.. a helpless euphoria. where has that person gone? i miss that feeling. the fukitall feeling. i find myself wanting everything and nothing at the same time. being alone in the biggest group of people..this bipolar depressive bullshit is exhausing.
i'm bored. i feel like my life isn't my own.. like this is all a dream. how could this be reality? when will i come off of auto-pilot? i realized the other day that all of last year i did nothing for me. i made all but one decision for everyone else. for once i'd like to be happy being selfish and not give a shit or feel guilty.
everyone in my life is moving on, and here i am. sitting in the middle of the cold bathroom floor, in my prom dress. and reality is just beyond my reach. if i close my eyes, long enough.. then maybe.. just maybe when i open them i'll be back in my euphoria.
you helped me let go of the past.. you dug me out of the abyss, found me.. pulled me up and let me breathe.. and as soon as you walked out on me, i felt myself. sinking, drowning. why do you have this power over me.. why do you care as if its important how i feel, then just disappear into the vast darkness and leave my here.. alone.. and you only come back long enough to keep me hanging on. and always as if suprised, i'm happy to see you. to feel you. to hold you. I don't want you, i want to feel protected.. I want to feel confident, comfortable like nothing can break me. Its what keeps me welcoming you with open arms.. I want to let go. It needs to be now. Its sink or swim.
i thought every thing would get better, i'm on auto pilot. i thought my prideless letter would make me feel better, and it did until i managed to pull my head up out of the ben and jerrys. after which i realized i couldn't give 3 shits what you think. you're a hopeless bitch, and don't deserve half of the love you're given. i hope you're happy. i hope the new year brings you everything your little selfish heart desires. but theres one thing you have that i don't.. to which i am completely envious. being genuinly happy with everyone of your many faults.
day 4... and this year doesn't look promising. i had such a good feeling, such inspiration that this year from day one would bring me nothing but that clean feeling.. the feeling you get when you're laughing with every spirit you have and you fear or think nothing. when nothing matters but being able to catch your breath and smile.. a helpless euphoria. where has that person gone? i miss that feeling. the fukitall feeling. i find myself wanting everything and nothing at the same time. being alone in the biggest group of people..this bipolar depressive bullshit is exhausing.
i'm bored. i feel like my life isn't my own.. like this is all a dream. how could this be reality? when will i come off of auto-pilot? i realized the other day that all of last year i did nothing for me. i made all but one decision for everyone else. for once i'd like to be happy being selfish and not give a shit or feel guilty.
everyone in my life is moving on, and here i am. sitting in the middle of the cold bathroom floor, in my prom dress. and reality is just beyond my reach. if i close my eyes, long enough.. then maybe.. just maybe when i open them i'll be back in my euphoria.
you helped me let go of the past.. you dug me out of the abyss, found me.. pulled me up and let me breathe.. and as soon as you walked out on me, i felt myself. sinking, drowning. why do you have this power over me.. why do you care as if its important how i feel, then just disappear into the vast darkness and leave my here.. alone.. and you only come back long enough to keep me hanging on. and always as if suprised, i'm happy to see you. to feel you. to hold you. I don't want you, i want to feel protected.. I want to feel confident, comfortable like nothing can break me. Its what keeps me welcoming you with open arms.. I want to let go. It needs to be now. Its sink or swim.