-_- reallly fuck pissed and its only 9 AM
okay, why is it that parents have this creepy fettish of always yelling at you about something? It's like there's no satisfaction in their mere existance if they can't blame you or yell at you about something! Okay lets examine this, its 9:01, right, so I'm at my cousins house and my mom comes over, the first thing she does when she sees me is not "hi catherine how was your night" it was "hey, you're not doing anything with your room. Its a mess and there's all this junk everywhere" of course i go "its not a mess i just cleaned it, I just got rid of like 2 bags of junk and they're in the hallway right now." and then she goes "Well your wallpaper" and i go "what the fuck do you want me to do about that? thats not my fault and you know it so dont blame me for it" and of course my mom being a fucking genious goes "well you're not even taking care of it, you're just letting it be that way, you see its whatever why dont you put glue" and i go "WHY DONT YOU CHECK ON THE WALL?! there's glue residue from when i tried to glue it back on." and then of course my mom cant have me being right. Cuz y'know im the daughter and im never right cuz whatnot. I find it kind of comical how she had the fucking need to have the last word, in which she says "Well lim going to clean your room myself i cant stand looking at that mess" and i go "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I JUST CLEANED IT!! NO DONT YOU TOUCH MY STUFF CUZ YUR GOING TO THROW AWAY STUFF THAT I WANNA KEEP" and my mom being a fucking heartless turd like usual doesnt give a shit about sentimental crap, or any fucking memories cuz she's a cyborg and doesnt believe in keeping things like that, so you throw them out.. I mean, well first of all, I have this memory box in my room, that if she fucking throws it out, then i swear to god i'll cry... And for another thing, she wants to throw out my table, WHICH IM STILL USING!! Okay yes many of you are saying "wow its just a fucking table just fucking chill" but i dont think you understand what the table is unless you have ever been to my house. The table is the one that everyone signs and writes on when they come to my house, like i know that its just a graffitti'd table but that thing has shit written on it from when i was 7. I mean, it holds value. It has old crushes/boyfriends names (whether or not they are my own) a very important date, and i think somewhere on there are poems and shit that i used to write. If she gets rid of it, then i lose all these memories that i dont wanna lose. NExt thing you know she'll be throwing out my posters, and shit thats on my wall. I dont keep things unless they hold any value to me whatsoever, so her going in my room nad cleaning it is basically erasing memories and valuable things from my life...
Like whatthehell NO OTHER PARENT DOES THIS. She's psychotic. Not even that I got yelled at afterwards for borrowing her pants, okay, yeah that was my fault, i get it, but still. Just stop yelling at me ):
To be honest, I cant be this perfect little cyborg anymore. Yes i understand that being neat and whatever is really important, especially in a filipino household. But to be quite honest, I dont work well in a freakishly clean environment, I have to have some sort of clutter and mess because thats when I know where everything is, since i have this really weird thought process and way of organization. I mean, she's just not, me.
Not only that, but its also all this other shit that she's been doing. Firstly, her blaming me for EVERYTHING. Seriously, yesterday she was going to yell at me for something I totally didnt do. So we got new windows and one of them being this really kickass bay window, so yesterday she opened it, but like the window opens this funky way so you have to turn this knobb-y type thing and then the window opens and whatever, so she did that and then when she tried to close it, it didnt becuase it wasnt like hinged together. I was sleeping but like 15 minutes later i wake up and my mom goes "CATHERINE" and i go "what?!" nd she's like "dont what me, get over here". So whatever I walk on by to see what i did now and she goes "DID YOU TOUCH THIS WINDOW?!" and im confused and go "no" so she goes "dont lie, this windows broken" so then im like "mom. I just woke up. I didnt touch your window. so chilll." So then my mom goes "oh okay. i was ready to yell at you -laughs-" and im kinda like "thanks." Sure she's been doing this to me for years now, and at first it was funny, now its just sad and upsetting and frustrating. I kinda just think its rediculous how now that if anything ever goes wrong, my mom has to blame it on me. Like when my computer broke down, I didnt do anything, nor did my sister but she found it imperitive to have to yell at me and say "LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU GUYS YOU DONT TAKE CARE OF THINGS , YOU'RE SOO CARELESS!! yOU THINK WE HAVE ALL THIS MONEY AND YOU TAKE ME AND EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED". Okay soooo what the hell it wasnt anyones fault cuz it wasnt our fault the power went out and the computer happened to be plugged in. millions of times we left our computer on during a power outage and it was fine, how were we supposed to know that this time, it would've fucked up?!?! When i finally brought that point up she rolled her eyes and said "yeah right" in this nasty fashion as if i was making up some crafty lie in my head (which i cant blame her cuz im soo fucking good at lying.. but thats her fault too! If she wasnt soo....whatever I wouldnt have to.) I just can't stand how im always the root of everything going wrong.
My mom always ruins everything. Everything. I can have the most amazing day, ever, and she'll find some random thing to yell at me about, Not to say i might deserve it, but, can't i just get a damn break? It was like that time I won this award and my mom makes a smart remark like "you're not smart, how'd you get that? You steal it?" sure, it was sarcasm, but, its mean. Especially since she knows that I'm such a hard worker and I do everything i'm supposed to. That hurts. Or when one time I hadn't been out in like 5 days and its the summer so i was gonna go out one night and my sister was leaving too i mention that i wanted to go out. My sister took the liberty to then say "ma, can catherine go out? she hasnt been out all week?" and my mom goes "so what?" and my sister goes "soo let her go, she's been home the whole week" and my mom being a bitch goes "good." That hurt a lot. I mean I get that you want to make sure that im doing the right thing but by keeping me home every damn day and thinking I cant have a fucking social life, whatthefuck. God forbid I ever get another boyfriend, it'll be hell trying to get out the motherfucking house.
I suppose in the end, I hate seeing the relationship between me and my mommy deteriorate. (yeah theres more) When I was younger i loved my mom ( i still do just keep reading) but it was different then. I was young, my mom was my bff, we used to hang out all the time and I'd go with her everywhere. Now that I have a life of my own, I rather not. I mean yeah, I suppose not hanging out with mommy dearest is my fault but its different now. She's a fucking loon. Thats why.
For the past like year now i've been trying to figure out this whole perfectionist belief my mommy has, although she'll never admit to it. She wants me to be perfect, no matter how much she'll deny it. Firstly, grades, totally anal even though her catch phrase is "you pass, you pass. just do your best" of course I bring home a fucking 89 and she's like "thats what you get for not studying and being online all the time" dear mom, IT WAS A POP FUCKING QUIZ! couldnt possibly study <3 Cat. With my sister its kinda like "oh. 65, im proud of you". I got a 100 on my english final and I was SOO happy, so what did my mom say when I told her "yeah right you did." WHY DOES SHE HAVE NO FUCKING FAITH IN ME? Then it shows on my report card and i show her and she goes "okay, and?!" like i was supposed to show her a noble prize in addition. It's like nothing ever fucking pleases her like ever. I can find the fucking cure for fucking cancer and she wont be satisfied. Goddammit I cant fucking do it anymore. I can't keep trying to please her cuz nothing ever does. By this time you're all thinking "Please yurself not others" yeah sure but its easier said than done. Especially with me since all i ever do is try to make others happy ): I cant deal anymore. Why can't I just fucking be accepted for who i am and whatever i do without being criticized every minute of my goddamn life.
I catch her talking about me too sometimes, when im "sleeping" she'll complain to my sister and say how i did this and that and how cristina needs to talk to me. Why cant my mom talk to me? cuz she "cant take my shit" anymore. WHAT DO I DO? Do i smoke? no. Do i do drugs? no. Am i failing out of school? no. Do i come home from being out at ungodly hours of the night? no. Am I disrespectful? no..maybe sometimes. Am I wild and uncontrollable? no. SO WHY DOES SHE HAVE THIS HUGE ISSUE? WHAT DO I DO THAT MAKES ME THIS TERRIBLE KID?!?! absolutely fucking nothing. She also had the fucking nerve to tell my Lola (grandma) that whenever I go out she doesnt know where I am. Jesus mom, make her think im this terrible child why dont you? Then my lola had a talk with me and was like "you have to be with your mom. Stop leaving the house and tell her where you're going" the fucking thing is, I DO! everymotherfuckingtime I go out, I ALWAYS tell her where I've gone, when I'll be home, and my cell phone is on and i pick up. Its not like im one of those kids who dont pick up when their parents call, I do. Not only that I tell her when i'll be home. WHATTHEFUCK! DONT GO TELLING OUR FAMILY SHIT THATS NOT TRUE AND GIVING ME A BAD FUCKING REP! Cuz then I have the whole family on my fucking back about it. ): Then she tells them I dont care about school and blahblahblah. That went well. Lets think about this, who's the family more likely to believe, me or my mom? -_- no doubt in that situation. The only people that would believe me, are my godparents and my sister. Both of which end up telling my mom what i say, so that i have this lovely conversation with my mom that's supposed to "help" our relationship which ends in me saying in pure rage near tears "THIS IS WHY I CANT EVER TALK TO YOU! YOU DONT LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ALL THE TIME!! YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO SEE LIFE THROUGH MY EYES AND YOU DONT TAKE THE TIME OUT TO JUST THINK THE WAY I DO FOR ONCE!"
There are always those lovely threats my mom gives whenever she gets mad at me "Keep this up and I'll send you to your dad in california." she says that, all the time.. haha one time, she said that, and we had got in a huge arguement that i went downstairs crying to my sister how upset i was that mommy wouldnt let me go somewhere and that I was home all the time and that im trustable and i dont ever do anything and she treats me like some fucking terrible kid. I was in hysterics crying to my sister and saying "I just dont understand. Its not even that I want to go out anymore, It's just why doesnt she trust me?" and I'm crying hysterically and apparently my mom must've heard me from her room and comes downstairs pissed and was like "FINE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! I DONT FUCKING CARE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! FUCKING LEAVE! JUST FUCKING LEAVE! GO! NOW THAT IM TELLING YOU TO GO YOU WONT? FUCKING GO! I DONT FUCKING CARE!" And im literally hysterically crying into my sisters shoulder at this point and saying "I DONT WANNA GO ITS NOT THAT!" And of course her being freakishly irrational goes to me "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BETTER PACK YOUR BAGS CAUSE IM SENDING YOU TO YOUR DADS! IM BOOKING YOU THE NEXT FLIGHT, YOU BETTER CALL YOUR FATHER TO PICK YOU UP!" and she stormed out. What the hell did i do to deserve that? I asked my mom can I go out? she said no and i argued "but i havent been out and you know my friends we're going to someones house i wont be roaming around. please?" and she goes "no i said no". It wasnt even that she was yelling about, she was mad that I had the fucking nerve to cry and be upset about her decision. Yes i realize thats my mom and what she says is have to listen to, doesnt take away the fact that I have feelings and emotions and the way i react to it is not under my control. So why yell at me? cause I was crying. Its like this weird thing in my family, we're not allowed to cry nor are we allowed to show emotion cuz when i was younger that meant..well.. not fun stuff ): Life hasn't changed much since then. I just can't take how I'm not allowed to be upset or how im supposed to be this perfect little happpy child my mom wishes she had, too bad she had me ):
its 10:08 Am, and its just one of those days ):
well... Met game this afternoon... lets see if she can ruin that too (: yeay!!!!!!! well... im excited -_-
Like whatthehell NO OTHER PARENT DOES THIS. She's psychotic. Not even that I got yelled at afterwards for borrowing her pants, okay, yeah that was my fault, i get it, but still. Just stop yelling at me ):
To be honest, I cant be this perfect little cyborg anymore. Yes i understand that being neat and whatever is really important, especially in a filipino household. But to be quite honest, I dont work well in a freakishly clean environment, I have to have some sort of clutter and mess because thats when I know where everything is, since i have this really weird thought process and way of organization. I mean, she's just not, me.
Not only that, but its also all this other shit that she's been doing. Firstly, her blaming me for EVERYTHING. Seriously, yesterday she was going to yell at me for something I totally didnt do. So we got new windows and one of them being this really kickass bay window, so yesterday she opened it, but like the window opens this funky way so you have to turn this knobb-y type thing and then the window opens and whatever, so she did that and then when she tried to close it, it didnt becuase it wasnt like hinged together. I was sleeping but like 15 minutes later i wake up and my mom goes "CATHERINE" and i go "what?!" nd she's like "dont what me, get over here". So whatever I walk on by to see what i did now and she goes "DID YOU TOUCH THIS WINDOW?!" and im confused and go "no" so she goes "dont lie, this windows broken" so then im like "mom. I just woke up. I didnt touch your window. so chilll." So then my mom goes "oh okay. i was ready to yell at you -laughs-" and im kinda like "thanks." Sure she's been doing this to me for years now, and at first it was funny, now its just sad and upsetting and frustrating. I kinda just think its rediculous how now that if anything ever goes wrong, my mom has to blame it on me. Like when my computer broke down, I didnt do anything, nor did my sister but she found it imperitive to have to yell at me and say "LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU GUYS YOU DONT TAKE CARE OF THINGS , YOU'RE SOO CARELESS!! yOU THINK WE HAVE ALL THIS MONEY AND YOU TAKE ME AND EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED". Okay soooo what the hell it wasnt anyones fault cuz it wasnt our fault the power went out and the computer happened to be plugged in. millions of times we left our computer on during a power outage and it was fine, how were we supposed to know that this time, it would've fucked up?!?! When i finally brought that point up she rolled her eyes and said "yeah right" in this nasty fashion as if i was making up some crafty lie in my head (which i cant blame her cuz im soo fucking good at lying.. but thats her fault too! If she wasnt soo....whatever I wouldnt have to.) I just can't stand how im always the root of everything going wrong.
My mom always ruins everything. Everything. I can have the most amazing day, ever, and she'll find some random thing to yell at me about, Not to say i might deserve it, but, can't i just get a damn break? It was like that time I won this award and my mom makes a smart remark like "you're not smart, how'd you get that? You steal it?" sure, it was sarcasm, but, its mean. Especially since she knows that I'm such a hard worker and I do everything i'm supposed to. That hurts. Or when one time I hadn't been out in like 5 days and its the summer so i was gonna go out one night and my sister was leaving too i mention that i wanted to go out. My sister took the liberty to then say "ma, can catherine go out? she hasnt been out all week?" and my mom goes "so what?" and my sister goes "soo let her go, she's been home the whole week" and my mom being a bitch goes "good." That hurt a lot. I mean I get that you want to make sure that im doing the right thing but by keeping me home every damn day and thinking I cant have a fucking social life, whatthefuck. God forbid I ever get another boyfriend, it'll be hell trying to get out the motherfucking house.
I suppose in the end, I hate seeing the relationship between me and my mommy deteriorate. (yeah theres more) When I was younger i loved my mom ( i still do just keep reading) but it was different then. I was young, my mom was my bff, we used to hang out all the time and I'd go with her everywhere. Now that I have a life of my own, I rather not. I mean yeah, I suppose not hanging out with mommy dearest is my fault but its different now. She's a fucking loon. Thats why.
For the past like year now i've been trying to figure out this whole perfectionist belief my mommy has, although she'll never admit to it. She wants me to be perfect, no matter how much she'll deny it. Firstly, grades, totally anal even though her catch phrase is "you pass, you pass. just do your best" of course I bring home a fucking 89 and she's like "thats what you get for not studying and being online all the time" dear mom, IT WAS A POP FUCKING QUIZ! couldnt possibly study <3 Cat. With my sister its kinda like "oh. 65, im proud of you". I got a 100 on my english final and I was SOO happy, so what did my mom say when I told her "yeah right you did." WHY DOES SHE HAVE NO FUCKING FAITH IN ME? Then it shows on my report card and i show her and she goes "okay, and?!" like i was supposed to show her a noble prize in addition. It's like nothing ever fucking pleases her like ever. I can find the fucking cure for fucking cancer and she wont be satisfied. Goddammit I cant fucking do it anymore. I can't keep trying to please her cuz nothing ever does. By this time you're all thinking "Please yurself not others" yeah sure but its easier said than done. Especially with me since all i ever do is try to make others happy ): I cant deal anymore. Why can't I just fucking be accepted for who i am and whatever i do without being criticized every minute of my goddamn life.
I catch her talking about me too sometimes, when im "sleeping" she'll complain to my sister and say how i did this and that and how cristina needs to talk to me. Why cant my mom talk to me? cuz she "cant take my shit" anymore. WHAT DO I DO? Do i smoke? no. Do i do drugs? no. Am i failing out of school? no. Do i come home from being out at ungodly hours of the night? no. Am I disrespectful? no..maybe sometimes. Am I wild and uncontrollable? no. SO WHY DOES SHE HAVE THIS HUGE ISSUE? WHAT DO I DO THAT MAKES ME THIS TERRIBLE KID?!?! absolutely fucking nothing. She also had the fucking nerve to tell my Lola (grandma) that whenever I go out she doesnt know where I am. Jesus mom, make her think im this terrible child why dont you? Then my lola had a talk with me and was like "you have to be with your mom. Stop leaving the house and tell her where you're going" the fucking thing is, I DO! everymotherfuckingtime I go out, I ALWAYS tell her where I've gone, when I'll be home, and my cell phone is on and i pick up. Its not like im one of those kids who dont pick up when their parents call, I do. Not only that I tell her when i'll be home. WHATTHEFUCK! DONT GO TELLING OUR FAMILY SHIT THATS NOT TRUE AND GIVING ME A BAD FUCKING REP! Cuz then I have the whole family on my fucking back about it. ): Then she tells them I dont care about school and blahblahblah. That went well. Lets think about this, who's the family more likely to believe, me or my mom? -_- no doubt in that situation. The only people that would believe me, are my godparents and my sister. Both of which end up telling my mom what i say, so that i have this lovely conversation with my mom that's supposed to "help" our relationship which ends in me saying in pure rage near tears "THIS IS WHY I CANT EVER TALK TO YOU! YOU DONT LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ALL THE TIME!! YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO SEE LIFE THROUGH MY EYES AND YOU DONT TAKE THE TIME OUT TO JUST THINK THE WAY I DO FOR ONCE!"
There are always those lovely threats my mom gives whenever she gets mad at me "Keep this up and I'll send you to your dad in california." she says that, all the time.. haha one time, she said that, and we had got in a huge arguement that i went downstairs crying to my sister how upset i was that mommy wouldnt let me go somewhere and that I was home all the time and that im trustable and i dont ever do anything and she treats me like some fucking terrible kid. I was in hysterics crying to my sister and saying "I just dont understand. Its not even that I want to go out anymore, It's just why doesnt she trust me?" and I'm crying hysterically and apparently my mom must've heard me from her room and comes downstairs pissed and was like "FINE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! I DONT FUCKING CARE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! FUCKING LEAVE! JUST FUCKING LEAVE! GO! NOW THAT IM TELLING YOU TO GO YOU WONT? FUCKING GO! I DONT FUCKING CARE!" And im literally hysterically crying into my sisters shoulder at this point and saying "I DONT WANNA GO ITS NOT THAT!" And of course her being freakishly irrational goes to me "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BETTER PACK YOUR BAGS CAUSE IM SENDING YOU TO YOUR DADS! IM BOOKING YOU THE NEXT FLIGHT, YOU BETTER CALL YOUR FATHER TO PICK YOU UP!" and she stormed out. What the hell did i do to deserve that? I asked my mom can I go out? she said no and i argued "but i havent been out and you know my friends we're going to someones house i wont be roaming around. please?" and she goes "no i said no". It wasnt even that she was yelling about, she was mad that I had the fucking nerve to cry and be upset about her decision. Yes i realize thats my mom and what she says is have to listen to, doesnt take away the fact that I have feelings and emotions and the way i react to it is not under my control. So why yell at me? cause I was crying. Its like this weird thing in my family, we're not allowed to cry nor are we allowed to show emotion cuz when i was younger that meant..well.. not fun stuff ): Life hasn't changed much since then. I just can't take how I'm not allowed to be upset or how im supposed to be this perfect little happpy child my mom wishes she had, too bad she had me ):
its 10:08 Am, and its just one of those days ):
well... Met game this afternoon... lets see if she can ruin that too (: yeay!!!!!!! well... im excited -_-