(no subject)
well, im in a shitty mood, so why not share my thoughts. ha. this whole college thing is fun, the living by myself, making my own rules, doing what i want--its nice. but i feel as though im the only one not adjusting perfectly into this new place. i feel like everyone has changed except me. im not saying for the good or bad, but everyone just seems-- different. i dont know if its the distance or what, but theres a sense of connection lost or something. i hate feeling like im so far away. dont tell me its going to get better too, because i already hear it enough and i believe it already too, except i am somewhat skeptical of it. i dont understand what's going to change in the next two months that will make everything perfect again. well, my life was never perfect, not even close, but just getting back to how my life was would be really great right now. i need stability in my life, i'm a creature of habit, and i didnt realize until i got here how much i did stick to the same routine or schedule. i eat one of two choices everyday for lunch, what i dont eat at lunch i eat the other for dinner, i alwasy eat at the exact same time, always bring it back up to my dorm, watch tv, then go to my next class, i come home watch gilmore girls on abc family, then finish some homework, go on the computer, and then eventually bed. i'm not lying to you either, that is my daily routine, and i'm sick of it, yet i can't break it. i honestly dont hate it here, but i dont love it either. this is supposed to be a college that im fortunate to be going to, not one that i'll regret going to. i always thought i'd be good at adjusting to new surroundings, like thats what i needed, to get out of michigan which was holding me back. i realized michigan wasn't holding me back, but i was holding myself back, and i still am. i dont know why i can't loosen up and just enjoy everyday, but for some reason i can't. im too much of a logical person who thinks way too much about everything. i dont think i was ever intended just to be a kid, i think i was supposed to be born a grown-up, i swear. and im not saying im too mature, or even more mature than anyone else, but for some reason i can't enjoy the things that kids are supposed to be living for. why can't everyday be like the movies, or t.v, where everyone has fun, if there's a problem its resolved in the 30 minute or 1 hour time limit? why do i complicate and complain about everything? plus i haven't made any real friends that i actually want to spend most of my time with, ive found acquaitances and nothing more. the ones i do call my friends here, i'm already sick of. i can't find anyone worth the light of day. i'm not even setting my sights too high either, i'll take any friends. when i hang out with people too, i'm bored and ready to leave. maybe im depressed right now, actually i probably am. im sorry for sharing these depressing thoughts with you, but you didnt have to read them. it just feels good to finally write all of this out, regardless if anyone reads it.