(no subject)
walking into my dark room I stumble over scattered clothes and useless parts of my life that has seem to lost all meaning. Peeling off my black fishnet shirt I fall to my bed absolutely drained. as I look over to my wall where my photos have fallen I sigh at the sight of a painting of blood on my wall and I want to finish it. I run my hands over my wrists and look at the picture of the reason I'm here. fear and panic set in and I can't breath. my arms start to tingle and tears stream down my face smearing my black eyeliner. While staring at the picture everything goes silent and I stop breathing. I gasp for air, but my lungs are freezing. all I can think about is that picture and everything I feel when I look at it or think about it. I begin feeling the pain subside and my head is feeling light. seconds seem like hours, I have never had trouble breathing like this before. No matter how I force it, I still can't breath. everything goes black, but I can still see that picture, I think about how I might never feel the way i felt that day again, how I wasted so much time and how I keep all these feelings bottled up.
an hour later I wake up gasping for air and crying. I look down and that picture is grasped in my hand. I drop it an run my fingers through my hair and wipe my eyes. at this point I wonder if keeping all of this inside is finally catching up with me. theres something missing inside me, I can feel it and it's in that picture.
crawling out of my window I am still very light headed. I roll out and stop myself a little more then half way down the roof with my legs. I don't bother sitting up or moving. My back and shoulders feel cold and burn because of scrapes due to sliding down the cool tin roof on my bare torso. I stare at the sky and light a cigarette, even though my lungs feel like there is something clenching them, I need something to calm my nerves. the smoke burns and stings my lungs, but I finish it and crawl back up to the window , pulling myself inside. I tare down the blanket covering my window and wrap myself in it as I curl up into the fetal position. I lay shaking in the dark, street lights illuminating my room with pale orange light, this color of light has always soothed me. there is a sharp pain in my heart that never goes away. all I can think about are the eyes that burn me and set me free.
an hour later I wake up gasping for air and crying. I look down and that picture is grasped in my hand. I drop it an run my fingers through my hair and wipe my eyes. at this point I wonder if keeping all of this inside is finally catching up with me. theres something missing inside me, I can feel it and it's in that picture.
crawling out of my window I am still very light headed. I roll out and stop myself a little more then half way down the roof with my legs. I don't bother sitting up or moving. My back and shoulders feel cold and burn because of scrapes due to sliding down the cool tin roof on my bare torso. I stare at the sky and light a cigarette, even though my lungs feel like there is something clenching them, I need something to calm my nerves. the smoke burns and stings my lungs, but I finish it and crawl back up to the window , pulling myself inside. I tare down the blanket covering my window and wrap myself in it as I curl up into the fetal position. I lay shaking in the dark, street lights illuminating my room with pale orange light, this color of light has always soothed me. there is a sharp pain in my heart that never goes away. all I can think about are the eyes that burn me and set me free.