blarg
Christmas break this year was awesomeish. I got my G2, and have had more of a social life in these past few weeks than my entire grade 12 year. what a relief; after my first semester of university, I felt like I needed it!
Aside from that, though, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am bulimic. IT's gotten to a point of sheer ridiculousness, now. I don't know when I'm full, even when I focus. I just eat and eat and eat until my pants are tight, then I panic, and we all know the story from there.
I gained about 20 pounds in a few months, and I feel gross. I know, I was underweight before and told to gain weight, but I don't want to any more. Not like this; it's all fat and no muscle. I really want to quit rowing, because that's where the weight pressure is coming from (lightweight vs heavyweight). I was a lightweight, and I liked that since no one told me I was fat or 'pidgey' or 'plump'.
I can't go out to eat any more, because I panic at the thought of over eating. My dad doens't help, he just laughs at the amount of food I eat (he doesn;t know what I'm doing, but I think my mom may have a hunch. SO she should; I told her a year ago that I was starting to have trouble retaining food, and she said she'd help me. I also told her a few months ago. I really think she forgot about that)
Anyway, they're too busy arguing and treatening each other with divorce and shit and it's not like either of them believe that I'm bipolar (so why would they believe I'm bulimic?). Whatever.
SO like I said, they make fun of me when I eat. This makes me feel like a pig, so I stop eating. Then I go back to the kitchen ten minutes later and start to eat again until the pants shrink.
In one a hour binge I can eat three very large bowls of oatmeal (w/ milk and a lot of sugar), a half loaf of bread (w/butter), a pineapple and a few handfuls of peanuts. I've binged about 4 times today.
I feel gross thinking about it, and I try to talk to people, but all I get is "well just stop eating". That's way harder than it seems. I jsut lose control, I can't help it, and people don't seem to understand that. I am willing to eat until I feel sick, then keep eating. I eat until it hurts and the food looks disgusting. I see food, and I jsut can't pass it up. My theory is that my body is tryin to recover from the restrictive diet I had before University (which resulted in a termination in my menstration, anemia, and more defined bitchiness). I realize how stupid bulimia is, and how it could kill me, but it's like heroin (no, i've never taken heroin or any other drug for that matter; not even alcohol). It's so wrong, but yet your mind somehow justifies it every single time, and the harder you resist the bigger the binge is.
Okay, moving on from that;
I got house season three for Christmas! and the Dark Knight! =D
Unfortunately, I didn't get the guy. I'm just too shy to ask him out again, I feel like I'm jerking him around (yeah, we've had this on off relationship for ... 4 or 5 years now. I'm just a really stupid girl who can't hold relationships)
I mentioned university. I'm up at Guelph (WOOOO), and my final average was 91. I'm pretty pleased with that! No 15% drop for me. Yeah, I burying myself in textbooks and research to dodge reality. When I'm studying, I don;t binge purge and mood swings don't affect me. I'mma nerd at heart :)
That about covers my life right now.
Anywho, I'm going to bed so I can go to the gym tomorrow;
<3
PS this is public because I realize that there are others out there who are bulimic, and I know how easy it is to feel alone. It's nice to read about other people with similar experiances, to know that you're not a freak (well, I am. But that's just me =). )
Aside from that, though, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am bulimic. IT's gotten to a point of sheer ridiculousness, now. I don't know when I'm full, even when I focus. I just eat and eat and eat until my pants are tight, then I panic, and we all know the story from there.
I gained about 20 pounds in a few months, and I feel gross. I know, I was underweight before and told to gain weight, but I don't want to any more. Not like this; it's all fat and no muscle. I really want to quit rowing, because that's where the weight pressure is coming from (lightweight vs heavyweight). I was a lightweight, and I liked that since no one told me I was fat or 'pidgey' or 'plump'.
I can't go out to eat any more, because I panic at the thought of over eating. My dad doens't help, he just laughs at the amount of food I eat (he doesn;t know what I'm doing, but I think my mom may have a hunch. SO she should; I told her a year ago that I was starting to have trouble retaining food, and she said she'd help me. I also told her a few months ago. I really think she forgot about that)
Anyway, they're too busy arguing and treatening each other with divorce and shit and it's not like either of them believe that I'm bipolar (so why would they believe I'm bulimic?). Whatever.
SO like I said, they make fun of me when I eat. This makes me feel like a pig, so I stop eating. Then I go back to the kitchen ten minutes later and start to eat again until the pants shrink.
In one a hour binge I can eat three very large bowls of oatmeal (w/ milk and a lot of sugar), a half loaf of bread (w/butter), a pineapple and a few handfuls of peanuts. I've binged about 4 times today.
I feel gross thinking about it, and I try to talk to people, but all I get is "well just stop eating". That's way harder than it seems. I jsut lose control, I can't help it, and people don't seem to understand that. I am willing to eat until I feel sick, then keep eating. I eat until it hurts and the food looks disgusting. I see food, and I jsut can't pass it up. My theory is that my body is tryin to recover from the restrictive diet I had before University (which resulted in a termination in my menstration, anemia, and more defined bitchiness). I realize how stupid bulimia is, and how it could kill me, but it's like heroin (no, i've never taken heroin or any other drug for that matter; not even alcohol). It's so wrong, but yet your mind somehow justifies it every single time, and the harder you resist the bigger the binge is.
Okay, moving on from that;
I got house season three for Christmas! and the Dark Knight! =D
Unfortunately, I didn't get the guy. I'm just too shy to ask him out again, I feel like I'm jerking him around (yeah, we've had this on off relationship for ... 4 or 5 years now. I'm just a really stupid girl who can't hold relationships)
I mentioned university. I'm up at Guelph (WOOOO), and my final average was 91. I'm pretty pleased with that! No 15% drop for me. Yeah, I burying myself in textbooks and research to dodge reality. When I'm studying, I don;t binge purge and mood swings don't affect me. I'mma nerd at heart :)
That about covers my life right now.
Anywho, I'm going to bed so I can go to the gym tomorrow;
<3
PS this is public because I realize that there are others out there who are bulimic, and I know how easy it is to feel alone. It's nice to read about other people with similar experiances, to know that you're not a freak (well, I am. But that's just me =). )