my thoughts, its all bullshit
It's kinda crazy how life can go from so awesome, to so shitty in a week. I dont even know how to explain it. so i wont. but everything isnt going so awesome for me anymore and i hate it alot. i dont like myself, i dont like how people treat me, i dont like getting takin advantage of, i dont like how i cant stick up for myself, i dont like how i blame myself for everything when it isnt even my fault. basically i hate alot of shit right now. i hate how i try to be so nice, so understanding that i wind up hurting myself. i put on front's as to if i werent upset about something when in reality i am. i just put on a front and act as if something isnt bothering me to avoid arguments/bickering, because i cant stand them. i shouldn't do that. i shouldn't let people walk all over me like its okay. but i do. i can't express how i feel sometime's because i dont want people to get mad at my opinion, or how i feel about something. i hate it how people care more about themselves and pleasing themselves then who there hurting. i am not saying i dont do that, but the majority of the time i try not to get people upset at me, but if they are upset at me i apologize even if it's not my fault. who knows why the fuck i do that. everyone cares more about there ego and how people think about them, then who there hurting/what there doing to someone. everyone is so caught up on themselves, there like blinded by there own ego. maybe i care to much what people think, maybe i care to much about other's peoples feelings, that i put myself in the position that i am in. i hate it when people make promises they dont intend on keeping. or when they give you there word, they go off it. i dont get it. why promise something you dont try to keep? i know that all the promises i make i try my hardest to keep. I need to stop trying to please everyone, and start to worry about myself. i need to stop blaming myself for everything when it isnt even my fault. i just put myself down so much that i dont even realize i am doing it. i automatically think everything is my fault, and it really isnt. i dont know why i do that, but i cant help it. in every situation i find something to blame myself for.
i need to stop being so understanding and really speak my mind when i need to. i need to stop letting people walk all over me, and act so shitty to me and then except me to still be there. i need realize what i thought something was, wasnt it at all. i need to face the fact that people change, and sometimes not always for the best. i need to stop putting myself down and blameing myself for everything. i need to realize that people are more caught up on themselves then others, that sometimes they dont see them hurting someone when it's two feet infront of there face.
on tuesday were suppose to wash away all our sins, and start over. i intend to do just that. wash away everything i hate/dislike about myself and start over. maybe this will help me figure some shit out. maybe this will make me think more of myself then i do right now. hopefully.