(no subject)
Everything officially hit the fan today.
After attempting to talk through things, Jeremy and I were getting along and were being respectful of each other and he's been bringing this new girl over to the house pretty much all the time.
We hung out and played some guitar and things felt almost normal for a bit.
He went to sleep, and I was in another room playing videogames with Josh. The headphones I was wearing started pressing on my tunnels and it was starting to really hurt so I switched over to speaker for a bit...
Jeremy comes in and just throws a fucking fit. Starts going off. Yells into the microphone about how Josh is a stupid faggot and a bunch of stuff and 'good luck dealing with Yaz's shit you limey fuck' and a ton of other stuff.
I've been really patient with him, I really have. And I admit to being cluttered and he always took care of the mess and I always thanked him and I was happy that he helped and I've been doing more and more of it myself lately. and he goes off on me about the cleaning ,and I was finally like listen I know that isn't what this is about. You don't get to treat Josh like that. He didn't do anything to you. I did. And I don't treat the girl you bring over that way and it's unfair of you to do this.
He called me a ton of names and basically picked me down in front of Kirsty and Kayla until I didn't know what to say, and I thought we were all going to a movie later--well it turns out I'm not. You kind of assume that your best friends want you around more than your ex or that they'll care, or support you at all, but nope--Jeremy just said how our relationship was the hugest burden on him and how I fucked him over.
Mind you he said this right after he screamed at me that I was inadequate and that he HAD to go to Larissa. Literally right there admits that he was at the very least leading someone on and emotionally cheating on me and then tells me I fucked him over. And they just sat there and laughed. And I admit I was probably pretty funny if you're a heartless bitch, because I looked stupidly at everyone and said "But they're my friends, I just thought I was going too." and he went on about how Jade (the barely 18 girl) was coming and how I was so awkward last time (quiet) and that I don't like this or that and I might as well just stay home and he was smiling the whole time after that, like he'd won.
They all left and I just sat in my room stunned for a bit and finally had a breakdown, like legitimate hyperventilating screetching horrible sobbing breakdown. Kirsty came back in the house and left without even checking to see if I was okay. She ended up typing a message to Kayla, 'fml I hope Yaz doesn't hear me god I don't want to deal with this'.
I called my brother and he didn't pick up. Luckily Kyle did because I was literally ready to down all the sleeping pills in the bottle or anything else in the house. I was done. Literally just done. The health problems, the inability to eat, to sleep, the realization that the people I thought were just bad at communicating literally do hate me...
Just too much. Too much all at once and nobody there to love me or care that I hurt or hear my side of the story, just the people I consider best friends mocking me in the other room and laughing with the guy who thought the best way to handle his jealousy was to sling pejoratives at a computer.
Kyle came and picked me up. I left the dogs. I am trying to figure out what to do with my life. I can't live with them any longer. Basically all my friends here are their mutual friends. We attend the same events, everything else, and I just don't think I can be around them anymore. I think I have finally had my fill.
Jeremy had been the one to agree with me on that. He did. Just that night he'd said how much he hated Kayla and how Kirsty is so selfish and whiny etc and then he goes off to hang out with them just to spite me. I wonder if they'd think he was so nice if he knew the things he constantly said about them to me.
I almost went off on Kirsty before over some small thing because she said "Kayla actually does things for me" and it was right after I'd taken her to the doctor for an emergency anxiety attack, and went to her room, gave her some of my valium, tried to walk her through it. Told her things would be okay. Told her no judgements. Did my best. Actually cared. I understand how shitty that stuff is. I encouraged her to demand better from her doctor. I legit gave a shit.
Kyle told me I look like I've spent a month in a concentration camp. My ribs and hips are jutting out of my body faster and faster. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I haven't felt rested in so long. And all this happens, and she heard me cry like that, a way that I literally never do--I am such a quiet person when I am upset, and her default response was self pity about how the situation inconvenienced her (always is like this) and not to ask me if I was okay. I consider them to be my best friend.
I want to talk to Shane, I feel that out of everyone he is the person I want to redeem things with but he will always side with Kirsty by default. He will see everything from her perspective and not once from mine. I can't blame him too much, he's never been through anything big.
Either way, I was right there. I'm trying to calm down. Everything is so hazy. I am just trying to get rid of things, Jeremy got into my emergency roscoe money for one thing or another, I spent all my money on christmas gifts for everyone, I feel like a fucking idiot...
I am in such a bad place right now. And I'm trying my best to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I'm seeing is 95% of my life down the drain. I want to get the fuck away from here so bad. There isn't anything left untainted in this place. Why did I justify these people's reactions to me? There is a difference between annoyance and fights and literal apathy regarding someone's life. I went out of my way to say I wasn't okay and try to get help and they all turned away from me.
Jeremy has decided I was a burden the entire relationship and did not help him in any way shape or form, while he is still using all my stuff.
I'm going to exhaust all my options on finding a place to stay and doing things as correctly as I can. The truth is I still really just want to die. I am really tired of the health issues, the sadness, the ptsd, the abandonment, the feeling so worthless all the time. I don't need answers. i literally just wanted someone to ask me if I was okay. Or to mention it seems like I'm not lately.
And nobody did, not in the entire time I was living with them all, nobody ever did. All I wanted was for them to ask. like they cared. they didn't. they didn't want the burden, it was too much of a bother.
That is literally how people see me. Too much of a burden. Too much of a bother.
I haven't been taking my ambien because I owe the hospital money and they probably won't write me a refill, therefore saving it for emergencies. I think I am going to take just one and pass out with my giant penguin and try to pretend things will be okay.
I am just not a human being who is cut out for life right now. Hopefully if I scrounge up the money for a fresh start, things will get a little better.
After attempting to talk through things, Jeremy and I were getting along and were being respectful of each other and he's been bringing this new girl over to the house pretty much all the time.
We hung out and played some guitar and things felt almost normal for a bit.
He went to sleep, and I was in another room playing videogames with Josh. The headphones I was wearing started pressing on my tunnels and it was starting to really hurt so I switched over to speaker for a bit...
Jeremy comes in and just throws a fucking fit. Starts going off. Yells into the microphone about how Josh is a stupid faggot and a bunch of stuff and 'good luck dealing with Yaz's shit you limey fuck' and a ton of other stuff.
I've been really patient with him, I really have. And I admit to being cluttered and he always took care of the mess and I always thanked him and I was happy that he helped and I've been doing more and more of it myself lately. and he goes off on me about the cleaning ,and I was finally like listen I know that isn't what this is about. You don't get to treat Josh like that. He didn't do anything to you. I did. And I don't treat the girl you bring over that way and it's unfair of you to do this.
He called me a ton of names and basically picked me down in front of Kirsty and Kayla until I didn't know what to say, and I thought we were all going to a movie later--well it turns out I'm not. You kind of assume that your best friends want you around more than your ex or that they'll care, or support you at all, but nope--Jeremy just said how our relationship was the hugest burden on him and how I fucked him over.
Mind you he said this right after he screamed at me that I was inadequate and that he HAD to go to Larissa. Literally right there admits that he was at the very least leading someone on and emotionally cheating on me and then tells me I fucked him over. And they just sat there and laughed. And I admit I was probably pretty funny if you're a heartless bitch, because I looked stupidly at everyone and said "But they're my friends, I just thought I was going too." and he went on about how Jade (the barely 18 girl) was coming and how I was so awkward last time (quiet) and that I don't like this or that and I might as well just stay home and he was smiling the whole time after that, like he'd won.
They all left and I just sat in my room stunned for a bit and finally had a breakdown, like legitimate hyperventilating screetching horrible sobbing breakdown. Kirsty came back in the house and left without even checking to see if I was okay. She ended up typing a message to Kayla, 'fml I hope Yaz doesn't hear me god I don't want to deal with this'.
I called my brother and he didn't pick up. Luckily Kyle did because I was literally ready to down all the sleeping pills in the bottle or anything else in the house. I was done. Literally just done. The health problems, the inability to eat, to sleep, the realization that the people I thought were just bad at communicating literally do hate me...
Just too much. Too much all at once and nobody there to love me or care that I hurt or hear my side of the story, just the people I consider best friends mocking me in the other room and laughing with the guy who thought the best way to handle his jealousy was to sling pejoratives at a computer.
Kyle came and picked me up. I left the dogs. I am trying to figure out what to do with my life. I can't live with them any longer. Basically all my friends here are their mutual friends. We attend the same events, everything else, and I just don't think I can be around them anymore. I think I have finally had my fill.
Jeremy had been the one to agree with me on that. He did. Just that night he'd said how much he hated Kayla and how Kirsty is so selfish and whiny etc and then he goes off to hang out with them just to spite me. I wonder if they'd think he was so nice if he knew the things he constantly said about them to me.
I almost went off on Kirsty before over some small thing because she said "Kayla actually does things for me" and it was right after I'd taken her to the doctor for an emergency anxiety attack, and went to her room, gave her some of my valium, tried to walk her through it. Told her things would be okay. Told her no judgements. Did my best. Actually cared. I understand how shitty that stuff is. I encouraged her to demand better from her doctor. I legit gave a shit.
Kyle told me I look like I've spent a month in a concentration camp. My ribs and hips are jutting out of my body faster and faster. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I haven't felt rested in so long. And all this happens, and she heard me cry like that, a way that I literally never do--I am such a quiet person when I am upset, and her default response was self pity about how the situation inconvenienced her (always is like this) and not to ask me if I was okay. I consider them to be my best friend.
I want to talk to Shane, I feel that out of everyone he is the person I want to redeem things with but he will always side with Kirsty by default. He will see everything from her perspective and not once from mine. I can't blame him too much, he's never been through anything big.
Either way, I was right there. I'm trying to calm down. Everything is so hazy. I am just trying to get rid of things, Jeremy got into my emergency roscoe money for one thing or another, I spent all my money on christmas gifts for everyone, I feel like a fucking idiot...
I am in such a bad place right now. And I'm trying my best to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I'm seeing is 95% of my life down the drain. I want to get the fuck away from here so bad. There isn't anything left untainted in this place. Why did I justify these people's reactions to me? There is a difference between annoyance and fights and literal apathy regarding someone's life. I went out of my way to say I wasn't okay and try to get help and they all turned away from me.
Jeremy has decided I was a burden the entire relationship and did not help him in any way shape or form, while he is still using all my stuff.
I'm going to exhaust all my options on finding a place to stay and doing things as correctly as I can. The truth is I still really just want to die. I am really tired of the health issues, the sadness, the ptsd, the abandonment, the feeling so worthless all the time. I don't need answers. i literally just wanted someone to ask me if I was okay. Or to mention it seems like I'm not lately.
And nobody did, not in the entire time I was living with them all, nobody ever did. All I wanted was for them to ask. like they cared. they didn't. they didn't want the burden, it was too much of a bother.
That is literally how people see me. Too much of a burden. Too much of a bother.
I haven't been taking my ambien because I owe the hospital money and they probably won't write me a refill, therefore saving it for emergencies. I think I am going to take just one and pass out with my giant penguin and try to pretend things will be okay.
I am just not a human being who is cut out for life right now. Hopefully if I scrounge up the money for a fresh start, things will get a little better.