Fic: Textual Healing

[x_avecia_x]

Title:  Textual Healing
Author: x_avecia_x
Spoilers:  I actually don't think there are any but let's play it safe and say everything up to 3.10.
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Does Angst count?  Maybe one or two sweary words but nothing too upsetting.
Word Count: 7,685
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a ridiculous obsession with this show.
Summary: Annie and Jeff have late night text conversations.  And it opens a can of worms that Annie isn't sure she's ready to confront.
Author Note: This was written for the milady_milord Valentine's Secret Admirer's Fic Exchange and was prompted by dearygirl.  I have no idea if this was what was envisioned but it's where my writing went.  It's angsty and I think the words that will be uttered by the end will likely be 'finally!'  I'm sorry this is late, I really wasn't very well for the past two days (long story involving rugby and recovering from stalking some lovely rugby players around Cardiff last weekend.)  I also have no beta on this (sorry folks, I did try to make sure there are no glaring errors).  Hope everyone had an awesome Valentine's Day whatever you did (or whoever you did... ;) )

_____



Annie smiled tiredly as she slipped into her nightdress having spent the past forty minutes relaxing in a bath.  She’d just finished her shift working as a nurse in the paediatrics unit at Greendale County General and had been desperate to wash away the day.  It was hard being around so many children who were unwell.  Sometime the mental strain was harder than the taxing physicality of her job.

She was relieved she finally had a night off after two straight weeks working shift after shift, so Annie poured herself a glass of Chardonnay and settled down on her couch before switching the tv on, wondering why she even bothered when at this time of night when there was usually nothing but infomercials playing.

She noticed her cell phone on the coffee table blinking, telling her she’d received a message.  It must have arrived when she was taking a bath.  Annie reached over to pick up her phone and clicked open the unread message.

Hey, you still awake?

She sighed tiredly and debated whether to respond.  It didn’t help that he started all of his texts to her that same way due to the fact that their conversations always seemed to take place in the middle of the night.

Just finished my shift.  Going to bed soon.  You ok?

Annie knew the answer to that question and she also knew he wouldn’t answer it honestly.

I’m fine, just can’t sleep.

She also knew why he couldn’t just close his eyes and drift off when he was like this.  She could pretend it was because he had a demanding job like hers; spending twelve hours a day either appearing in court or dealing with endless paperwork, but that wouldn’t be an honest assessment.

You should try doing something active to tire you out.

She was a nurse; she could give out advice like that.  It totally wasn’t weird.

I already did.  The sex lasted less than two minutes.  I was thoroughly unimpressed.  I mean, if I have to hear that through the wall at least make it worthwhile.

She had to laugh a little.  He’d been complaining about his noisy neighbours for three months straight.  She had gently reminded him when it all started that just because he was forty didn’t mean he had to validate his mid-life crisis by complaining that someone else was having more sex than he was.  Her comment didn’t go down well and she didn’t hear from him for two weeks.  She had never brought it up after that and didn’t expect him to either.

You should give them a taste of their own medicine.  But, you know, make it last longer.

She kind of wished she hadn’t sent the message, thinking over what she’d actively encourage him to do, the thought making her feel sick to...

She’s out of town at another conference.

Of course.  He wouldn’t be lying there in his bed, texting her if she had been there.  It wasn’t like she didn’t know that - any night when he texts after midnight Annie knows she’s not there.  But this was the third conference in a month and if she thought it was a little strange then he probably was miles ahead of her.

She must have taken too long trying to think up what on earth she could reply with (without coming across as a complete bitch) when another text message came through causing Annie to jump a little at the vibration of her phone.

Don’t worry, I wouldn’t know what to say about that either.

I’m sorry.

Those were only two words she could offer him.

Don’t be.  It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it.  Anyway, what’s been going on with you?  Haven’t heard from you in a few days.

She was relieved when he directed the conversation away from him and towards her, not in a selfish way of course, but because she honestly didn’t know what else to say to him without overstepping the mark.  She always tried not to fall into the trap of bad mouthing her.

Just been working mostly.  If you have any idea how to get my boss to stop giving me a hard time about not working enough shifts then I’m all ears.

She barely had any time for herself as it was.  There were four loads of laundry needing done, she hadn’t been food shopping in almost three weeks, her tivo was packed with programs she would likely never get the chance to watch and still the ward director wanted her to take more shifts.  Apparently working an eighty hour week wasn’t enough.

My own life is a wreck - do you really want my advice?

She almost choked on her wine as she took a large sip, surprised at how blunt and honest he was being.  He never was the type of person to get so personal.  Annie pulled the comforter over her and settled into the couch, thinking over her reply in her head, typing it over and over before deleting it again and again.  She settled with something that she hoped conveyed her lack of inspiration for talking him down from that ledge.  The conversation had most definitely swung back around to him.

Jeff, don’t say things like that.

Five minutes with no reply turned into ten.  She was about to text him again when his response made its way into her inbox.

Why not?  It’s the truth.  I spend most of my life at the office and when I’m actually home, she never is.  She’d rather spend her weekend at a ‘conference’ than with me.  I know I shouldn’t complain, I can lounge about in my underwear and play Modern Warfare until 3 in the morning without worrying what she’ll say...

The ellipsis wasn’t necessary to know he fell short of saying what he really wanted to.

I can sense there was a ‘but’ at the end there.

He took a while again to respond, but if he was actually talking to her instead of skirting around the issues like he usually did (in a vaguely flirtatious manner that always made her uncomfortable) then she wasn’t going to complain.

...But it still doesn’t make it any better that the only reason I get to do that is because she’s busy screwing some other guy and making up some crappy excuse about educational conferences.

It wasn’t like she ever wanted to stick up for her but there was no way he could know that for sure and not have confronted her about it.

You don’t know that she is.

The response was almost instantaneous.

You don’t know that she isn’t.  Actually, the worst part is that I don’t think I even care anymore.

I’m sure you don’t mean that.

She wasn’t sure though.  Their late night text conversations had been going on for months and although she knew it was for the most part harmless (bar his joking comments about what she was wearing and his ongoing neighbour sex saga), she also wasn’t blind to notice it didn’t seem completely innocent either.  He was having hour long text message conversations in the middle of the night when she wasn’t there - and Annie hadn’t exactly done much to discourage him.

Oh I’m pretty sure I do mean it.  I lie awake most nights thinking I made the wrong choice marrying her.

Annie sat bolt upright on her couch and put her wine glass on the coffee table.

I didn’t expect you tell me something like that.  Not in a million years.  And if that’s how you really feel then I’m not sure I’m the one who you should be telling.

She pushed the comforter off her body and retreated to her bedroom, hoping that would be an end to the conversation.  She was his friend, she would be there for him no matter what, but putting that message into the context of all those other nights he would contact her, the flirty comments and the way he would compliment her, she hated the possibility that maybe she had been the reason he was suddenly regretful about marrying Slater.

She felt guilt on her part and then embarrassment that she might actually think for a minute that he had regretted marrying his wife because he had feelings for her.  It was ridiculous.  It had been seven years since she’d confronted him about The Annie of It All.

They weren’t in college anymore though and they were both adults.  She couldn’t shake the feeling of standing on the precipice of something dark, messy and ultimately out of her control.

She had just climbed into bed and heard the buzz of her phone vibrating on the nightstand.  The glaring red light of her alarm clock told her it was twenty minutes past one in the morning.  She felt relieved she didn’t start work until 5pm later that day.

In a million years you didn’t expect that?  Come on Annie, we’ve been doing this for months if not longer.  You’re not that naive that you can’t tell what it’s about.  You know I’m not happy.

Annie wanted to cry but instead picked up a pillow and screamed into it instead.  Yes, she had known he was unhappy, yes she had never liked Slater and strongly suspected she was the reason he was unhappy, but he would never be honest about it.  And now, months down the line, text conversation after text conversation, he drops this on her?  No, she was right to feel frustrated and angry - even if it was only warranted at herself.  She was twenty seven years old.  She should know better to have gotten involved in his life.  Even if his wife was cheating on him, she wasn’t sure whatever they had been doing was much better.

Jeff, please don’t do this just because you’re not happy with your wife.  That’s not fair on me.

It isn’t fair on me either but it’s not because I’m not happy with her, it’s because I’m not happy without you.

Annie wished in that moment she hadn’t replied to his first message.  She wished she’d just finished her glass of wine, went to bed and got up the next day knowing that if she did reply in the morning it was unlikely she’d get a response from him.

But she knew the real problem wasn’t Jeff finally confronting his feelings, really it was the fact it would likely force her into confronting her own.  And she wasn’t sure if she was ever going to be ready to do that, not again, and certainly not with him being a married man.

This can’t be about me Jeff.  Talk to Slater, confront her about her ‘conferences’, tell her how you feel but please don’t bring me into it.  Goodnight.

She usually always signed off with a kiss, but (like she didn’t already know) that was part of why she got involved in this mess in the first place.  And she felt awful, as though she’d led him on just to leave him standing alone in a forest of his own feelings with no idea which path to take him out of the dark.  But it had all become too real and she was never sure she could trust herself when it came to him.

When she woke in the morning, there was a text from the previous night.  It was sent an hour after she’d replied to tell him goodnight.

You’re right (as always). I need to sort myself out.  But that doesn’t make what I said any less true.  Talk soon I hope.  Goodnight x

Annie sighed and put her phone into her gym bag before getting ready for another day.

_____

It was almost eight weeks before she heard from him again.  It was just after 10pm and she’d just finished her shift.  She switched her phone on as she left the hospital and was slightly surprised to receive a text from him before midnight.

Hey, how are you?

The last time she replied to his text it had opened a can of worms, that to her, could never be closed.  But two months had passed and maybe he’d finally sorted himself out.  Maybe they could try to get back to something like the friendship they used to have.

Tired, just finished work.  Are you ok?

She was walking towards her car in the lot when his reply beeped on her phone.

Honestly, I’m not sure.  Can you meet me?  I’m at The Ballroom.

Annie pulled up short of her car, stuttering for an appropriate response but forgetting there was nobody there to actually reply to, simply a text message.  She could happily ignore the text, go home and catch up on the latest American Idol.  Or, she could actually go meet him.  He was at a bar and the last she’d heard all those weeks ago was that he wasn’t in the best frame of mind.  As a nurse didn’t she have a professional duty to make sure he didn’t succumb to alcohol poisoning?  She climbed in her car and fastened the seat-belt before typing her reply.

I’m on my way.

On the drive over, Annie tried not to think about why Jeff wanted to meet her.  Instead she thought about the chores she had to do in the next four days.  She wished that at some point in the next few months she’d be able to use a long weekend for something other than catching up with her laundry and going to Walmart.  And Jeff thought his life was a wreck - she can’t even remember the last date she went on.

As she pulled up to the bar, she killed the ignition and caught a look at herself in the rear-view mirror.  Granted she didn’t look as bad as she usually did after a fourteen hour shift but with her hair pulled back and wearing a rather boring jean t-shirt combo after changing out of her scrubs, she didn’t exactly feel like she was ready to walk into a bar, even if it was only a Thursday night.

Although they had spoken via text message she hadn’t actually seen him since she’d bumped into him one day at the local court house months ago when she was there on jury duty.  They’d had coffee, exchange numbers and shared an eerily awkward hug goodbye.  She was sure she’d felt him place a chaste kiss to her temple as he pulled away from her and Annie had to remind herself the reason why he’d lost touch with most of the group anyway - he’d married a woman that none of them could stand, and Slater disliked them equally in return.  It kind of made social group gatherings awkward to say the least.

But this was hardly a group gathering, and she wasn’t even sure she should be meeting him at all.

Still, she pulled the band out of her hair to make her feel less like an overworked nurse and grabbed her jacket from the back seat.  With one last look in the mirror to tease the limpness from her hair she climbed out her car.  The bar hadn’t changed much from the outside, it still looked as dive-y as it was when she originally set eyes on the place.  She took a breath and walked in the door where, even all those years later, she was faced with the same doorman she’d encountered on her first visit there and couldn’t stop herself from muttering a less than enthusiastic ‘howdy’ on her way past after showing her (legitimate) I.D.

She didn’t see him straight away so instead took a seat at the bar and ordered a fresh orange, minus the vodka she so desperately wanted to calm her nerves.  It just wouldn’t do to be arrested for a DUI with the respectability her job commanded.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d show up.’

She turned to see Jeff sidle into the bar stool beside her, already nursing what looked to be one of many Macallan’s he’d ordered before her arrival.

‘I said I’d come, so now that I’m here you can explain what all of this is about Jeff.’

Her reply somewhat echoed the sentiments of her ‘what do you want Jeff?’ years ago during paintball.  She wanted to cut to the chase, because clandestine meetings such as this were hardly appropriate given that he was...

‘I left her.’

Annie panicked.  A month ago she’d told him to talk to his wife, tell Slater everything he’d confessed to her that night.  Was she to blame for ruining a marriage?

‘Ok, I uh...’ she tried her best to formulate a response that didn’t centre around her own guilt, ‘...what happened?’

Jeff nodded towards a booth at the back of the bar and grabbed his drink from the counter.  Annie signalled the bar tender to add the vodka to her drink after all and made her way to where Jeff sat, swirling his whisky in the tumbler.

‘Well?’

He shrugged slightly, ‘there isn’t much to tell.’

‘Jeff, I just finished a fourteen hour shift, are you going tell me what happened or do you need me to go sit in my car so you can text me the details?’

She raised her eyebrows and took a sip of her drink, watching as the cracks began to appear in the nonplussed look Jeff tried to wear like one of those tight fitting shirts he liked so much.

‘Well instead of giving her the classic it’s not you, it’s me, I asked her outright if she was seeing someone behind my back.’

He stared into the tumbler of scotch before throwing it towards his mouth, gritting his teeth as the liquid burned its way down his throat.  She didn’t jump on him to continue, choosing this time to be patient and wait for him to continue.

‘I’m surprised she was so honest.  Said she’d wanted to tell me for six months.  I was pretty calm until that point.  That’s six months of my life down the toilet - if she’d just told me it was over I wouldn’t have had to feel so guilty about...’

He didn’t finish and Annie turned her head to look at him, their eyes meeting like they used to across the study group table.  She silently scolded herself for getting drawn into his mess, before inwardly chastising herself for not knowing better.  She took a large gulp of her Screwdriver and slammed the glass on the table.

‘No Jeff, I told you before; don’t bring me into this.’

Annie threw a twenty dollar bill on the table before grabbing her bag and making her way towards the exit.  She heard him cursing behind her, telling her to just stop, but she needed air and she needed it quick.

‘Annie!’

She didn’t stop and continued her brisk walk to her car, thankful to reach it only to have the wind taken out of her sails as Jeff caught up with her and pushed her car door shut seconds after she’d managed to get it unlocked.

‘Annie would you just stop with the amateur dramatics?  It’s a little 2011 don’t you think?’

‘Dramatics?  Oh if you want dramatics Jeff, I’ll show you dramatic!’ She really did try to stop herself from throwing her car keys; she kind of needed them to drive away from him but it was almost an involuntary action.  ‘I shouldn’t be involved in any of this Jeff.’

‘Oh really, so why did you reply to me all those times I text you huh?  Don’t make this out to be all one-sided.’

She sighed and took back the car keys that he’d fished off the ground and held out to her.

‘Jeff, we’re not together, we’ve never been together, so don’t use me as a reason to get out of your miserable marriage.  I know I shouldn’t have...’ she wanted to say gotten involved with you but somehow that just seemed to make things so much worse, ‘...replied to your messages but I won’t be your rebound from Slater.’

‘My wife is cheating on me Annie, I think that’s reason enough for me to end my marriage and I’m actually a little hurt that you think I would use you as a rebound.’

Annie huffed at the way Jeff was trying to guilt her into conceding the argument.

‘Oh really?  Well then what about the first time Slater dumped you huh?  Didn’t you sleep with Pierce’s step-daughter the same day?  You left your wife tonight Jeff and the first thing you think to do is text me asking to meet you - what am I supposed to think?’

Jeff swallowed thickly, the anger burning in his eyes, so much so that Annie immediately wished she hadn’t just regressed into that judgemental teenager that gave him a good slap and told him he was faster than bacteria.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t...’

But he cut her apology short.

‘I’m not the same person I was eight years ago Annie.  I texted you tonight because you told me to be honest and sort myself out, which I did.  All I wanted...was to talk.’

Jeff turned and walked back towards the bar, kicking over an empty beer bottle that some bar-fly had carelessly discarded on the asphalt.  It clinked and shattered as Jeff turned and looked back towards her.

‘Oh, and for the record Annie, I left Slater the day after we last text eight weeks ago.  So considering you think I’m the same selfish, uncaring ass you first met all those years ago I’ll just go ahead and finish this conversation with an extremely condescending and unreserved Booyah!’

Annie felt sick and was torn between running after him to try and apologize for jumping to conclusions or just getting in her car, driving home and pulling a tub of ice cream from the freezer to drown her sorrows in.

In the end, Ben n Jerry’s won her over - as much as Annie wanted to make things right, deep down she knew it would end up in another argument.  It had been a long enough day already.  So she had let out one little frustrated scream and climbed into her car.

She had been home long enough to have drunk the majority of a bottle of white wine, lazily flicked through the channels, trying ever so casually to check her phone for a message from him when her door nearly rattled itself off its hinges.  Annie almost didn’t get up to answer, noticing it was now almost one in the morning, but she clicked off the TV and went to the door anyway.  Her apartment was in a much better neighbourhood than her old one above Dildopolis, but still she was tempted to find the baseball bat in her hall cupboard before opening the door.

Annie really shouldn’t have been surprised to see him standing on the other side, even though she had never told him where she lived.  She didn’t move to invite him in or offer any kind of greeting at all, even if she had been fighting the urge to apologize as she drove away from the bar earlier that night.

‘So, maybe the Booyah was a bit much,’ he looked apologetic as he produced a bottle of vodka from behind his back as some kind of peace offering, ‘Do you think I could come in?’

Annie tried hard not to roll her eyes and settled for stepping to the side, gesturing for him to come inside.

‘How do you even know where I live?’

‘I had a friend of mine in Greendale P.D. run your plate.  He owed me a favour.’

The response rolled off his tongue like it was the most natural thing in the world when in reality Annie was freaking out at the lengths he would go to to find her.  And why on earth would a police officer owe Jeff a favour?  It didn’t exactly fill her with confidence about the professional ethics of the local law enforcement.

Still, she nodded towards her couch as she retrieved two glasses from the kitchen.  She eventually settled herself down and let Jeff pour her a measure of vodka.  She was buzzed already from the wine and well past the point of requiring a mixer.

‘I shouldn’t have stormed out.  Sometimes I forget that I’m not that stroppy teenager anymore.’

Jeff swirled the liquid in his glass and side-eyed her with a look that she couldn’t quite read.

‘Don’t be.  I know how you feel about the situation, and I probably shouldn’t have said that I felt guilty about...’ he stopped to down his shot of vodka as though trying to get the courage to be honest, ‘...thinking about you more than I should.’

Annie nodded her acceptance of his apology, even if it didn’t change the awkwardness of what was going on between them.  He’d admitted before in text messages that he wasn’t happy without her, that was enough of a mind-fuck for her, but to have him admit to thinking about her, in any way, shape or form beyond that of a friend took a bit of time to process.  And in that time, she decided she had to at least be honest for her own part in it.

‘I feel like such a hypocrite because I’ve given you such a hard time about this when I have my own guilt Jeff - I wouldn’t have talked to you if I didn’t want to...if I didn’t think about you too.  I just don’t want to be the reason things aren’t going to work out between you and Slater...no matter how I feel about you.’

She drained her own glass and gestured for him to pour another one.  He complied, then relaxed back into the corner of the couch.

‘The reason things didn’t and won’t work out with me and Slater isn’t because of you Annie, it’s because I’m too stupid not to learn from my mistakes.  It didn’t work the first time around with her and I have no idea why I thought marriage would make it any different.  I should have listened to the group.’

Britta had refused to talk to Jeff for an entire day when he had told them he was dating Slater again in their last year at Greendale, and when he told them he was getting married she outright told him that his wife-to-be was a complete a-hole who would only hurt him.  Annie hadn’t waded into the argument at the time, even if she had agreed with Britta (which was a rare occasion in and of itself).

‘The group just want you to be happy Jeff.’

‘And that has finally sunk in after years of you all trying to break through my emotional shield against my will, but what about you?  Are you happy?’

She nearly choked on her drink and waved him off uneasily.

‘This isn’t about me, and besides I don’t have time these days to think about being happy.  I barely remember to eat with the number of shifts I work.’

‘I can’t help but worry about you Annie.  You mean a lot to me.’

She turned to look at Jeff, the feeling of déjà vu creeping over her, feeling drawn in by the serious look in his eyes and the way his hand found its way to her cheek.  She couldn’t let anything happen, not when he was still dealing with his messy separation.  She pulled his hand away and put some distance between them by shuffling to the edge of the couch.

‘Jeff, this can’t happen when you’re still...’ but before she could fully state her objections to his close proximity, for the second time that evening he cut her off.

‘I told her I wanted a divorce and she agreed.’  Annie found him climbing closer to her on the couch and found it impossible not to want him beside her, ‘I filed three weeks ago, that’s why I haven’t been in touch.  I’ve been trying to get the settlement sorted.  Despite being a lying, cheating bitch she’s been surprisingly amicable about the whole thing.  Though let’s not give her too much credit, it probably has more to do with me agreeing to sign over my half of the apartment to her.’

Despite his questionable line of employment at times, she knew that he worked hard day in day out.  He put in the hours at the office, court and in meetings just to make it all the way to Partner.  Now it seemed everything he’d achieved would be wasted.

‘Jeff why would you do that?’

His shrug really wasn’t an adequate response to her question.

‘Seriously, she che...’  Annie quickly realizes that reminding him what Slater did to him was not a great idea and stopped herself, ‘...she was the one in the wrong Jeff, not you.  Why should you be the one to lose out of this?’

‘It’s an apartment Annie, not the crown jewels.’

Annie shook her head and looked at him with confusion, ‘I just don’t understand why you would do that, or why you think this would change anything between us.  We can’t be together like this, it’s too soon for you - goodness, it’s too soon for me.’

Jeff sighed and stood up, seemingly accepting that the distance between them was not going to closing anytime soon.

‘If you can’t see why I’m here telling you this then maybe you’re not as smart as I hoped you were, but if you need time to realize that I’m not some jerk who is on the rebound then fine, I can do that.’

He moved toward the door to her apartment and only stopped from leaving when in a fluster she pulled him back and told him he didn’t need to leave so abruptly.

‘You don’t believe that I’m not going to hurt you...’ it was a statement rather than a question, one he knew that Annie wouldn’t answer anyway even if he had inflected the sentence properly, ‘...and honestly, I can’t promise you that I won’t.  I don’t think you can promise you’d never hurt me either.  But let me tell you something Annie, getting a divorce and giving up my apartment so I can maybe finally be with the one person I actually think I could spend the rest of my life with?  That doesn’t seem much like losing to me.’

Annie’s eyes dropped their gaze from where they had been fixed on Jeff’s face.  He had picked apart her objections to their ‘relationship’ time and time again, each time getting more personal about how he really felt about her.  But the fact he’d just told her that he’d give up everything just to be with her, even without knowing that she could never promise not to hurt him?  Well that suddenly made her feel so ashamed that her fears prevented her from being able to just jump into his arms.

‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, Jeff, I...’

As Annie cast her gaze upwards, he swooped down to drop a kiss on the top of her head but when his own eyes met with hers again Jeff had no other option but to appease the tightening in his chest by placing the kiss on her lips instead.  The kiss lasted longer than the brief moment of affection she expected he had originally planned.  She could feel his fingers pushing up into her hair to bring her closer into him.  Annie gripped onto his wrists if only to keep from losing her balance as her mind and chest swam with thoughts and emotions of everything that was Jeff Winger.

When suddenly he managed to let her go.

‘Don’t say anything then,’ he murmured before kissing her forehead like he’d intended to do moments ago, ‘Goodnight milady.’

And with that he was gone.  Annie could do nothing else but sit alone in her apartment and cry.

____

Onto part 2...

http://x-avecia-x.livejournal.com/9502.html