Fic: You Got A Fast Car
Title: You Got A Fast Car
Author: x_avecia_x
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Think this one is fairly clean!
Word Count: 6,634
Disclaimer: I do not own Community - although I would totally marry Dan Harmon then claim half in our (inevitable) divorce settlement - that is unless he concedes to my end game Jeff/Annie demands. If you recognize any of it, it isn't mine.
Summary: Jeff struggles to cope with losing the only person he thought he ever cared about.
Author's Note: So, I’ve been blocked for most of my other fics as well as trying to deal with working 12 hours a day and moving house. But, this is something that came to me and I couldn’t stop writing. It’s a bit of an exploration of Jeff’s psyche and how Annie reacts to this. I hope you enjoy and don’t find it too much of a struggle to read. I'm going un-beta'd so apologies for any typos or grammar issues - it's 12.30am here x
_____
It would take a long time for the dust to settle after a day like the one he’d just experienced.
Having just put his mother in the ground, losing the one person he ever truly liked, was enough for it to have made it to the top of his list of worst days ever. But when William Winger showed his falsely mournful face at the funeral home, Jeff couldn’t find the strength within him to stop from knocking six shades of shit out the bastard.
The moment he spotted the face he would never forget, he’d lost his self-control. In front of dozens of mourners, he fell afoul of his temper, exactly like the one that had plagued his father for years. The temper that had made him despise the man for what he did to his mother (and on occasion himself) for years before he finally had the decency to just leave them both behind to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.
It took Troy, Abed and eventually Pierce to pull him away, letting his father crawl his way to the exit as Britta shouted after William Winger that he should rot in hell. Shirley had instantly started apologizing to the Pastor for Jeff’s behaviour, and thereafter to God Himself, begging for forgiveness.
And after Jeff had shrugged away the grip of Troy, keeping him from chasing after his father, Annie had stood and looked him dead in the eye, a look something between disappointment and utter fear of the behaviour she’d witnessed from him - someone she had clearly thought was better than he really was.
That final intervention was enough for him to simply duck his head in shame before walking away.
Now, sitting in his apartment, nursing a heavily bruised hand and a bottle of 60 year old Macallan (something he’d kept for what he’d hoped might be a happy occasion), he felt the guilt seep under his skin, gradually consuming him.
His mother would be so disappointed in him. She’d always told him that the man he would become, whoever that would be, would always be leagues above his poor excuse for a father. But, after his display of unhinged anger during a time when he was supposed to be celebrating the life of Doreen Winger, he was sure that his mother had been sorely mistaken.
He barely heard the knock at his door, interrupting the dark silence that he’d welcomed the moment he stepped into his apartment an hour earlier. His drapes hadn’t been pulled back in three days despite it now being almost three in the afternoon. He was tempted to just stay where he was, leaving his caller standing in the hall, content to fall further into the dark drunken state he hoped would come quickly.
But another knock came, and another thirty seconds after that.
He knew that whoever it was, it was likely to be a member of the study group. Nobody else knew where he lived (he sighed at that, wishing he’d actually gotten around to telling his mother before she’d passed away).
Jeff pushed the bottle of whiskey onto the coffee table before making his way to the door. Another knock rang out as he looked through the fisheye lens embedded in the wood.
Of course it would be her.
‘I’m really not in the mood for whatever it is that you want,’ he sighed as he opened the door.
‘All I want Jeff is to make sure you’re okay. It was either me or Britta and I figured you’d appreciate a visit from her even less.’
She stood there not making a move to enter, and he couldn’t help but appreciate her lack of insistence on barging into his space.
‘Annie I...look, I can’t be around anyone right now. I just want to be on my own.’
She nodded and pulled her long black coat further around her.
‘I understand,’ she replied, moving to walk away before stopping, ‘I uh, I just wanted to apologize for today.’
‘Apologize for what?’ he asked, his face turned up at the ceiling, eyes rolling slightly, barely having the energy or desire to know what she wanted to say sorry for.
‘For being judgmental I guess. I have no idea what you’ve been through with your da...’ she paused to correct herself because even biology couldn’t reconcile the idea that that man was ever a father to Jeff, ‘...with him and I guess I was just shocked to see you react so angrily. If I looked like I was disappointed in you and that made you feel bad, well, that was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. You’re my friend, but it’s not my business to be so condemnatory.’
Jeff sighed again and moved to the side, indicating she was welcome to enter the apartment. Annie looked unsure but eventually made her way inside. She stood with her hands in her pockets (something she never did so he was sure she was trying to avoid fidgeting with her hands) and made no move to get comfortable.
‘You can take off your coat and sit down if you want.’
Annie watched him settle onto the couch before she eventually removed her woollen coat and sat in the armchair opposite. He noticed she hadn’t changed out of her black dress. If it were possible she looked even more drained than he felt.
He reached for the bottle of Macallan before pulling back, instead opting to find a tumbler. He didn’t have any need to care what she thought of him drinking straight from the bottle in his own apartment, but somehow he didn’t want to appear even more hopeless than she’d witnessed earlier that afternoon.
‘Can I get you something to drink? I don’t feel comfortable drinking around someone who isn’t and on today of all days I need a drink.’
He made his way into the kitchen and pulled a tumbler from the cabinet, pausing for her response.
‘No thanks, I’m good but go ahead - no judging, right?’
‘Right,’ he mumbled before taking his seat again on the couch.
Jeff had never understood the idea of silence being deafening, he wasn’t one to buy into overly used idioms or metaphors, but whatever it was, the silence between himself and Annie was uncomfortable at best.
Clearly Annie felt it too when she seemed to snap her head in his direction, fixing him with a stare not that dissimilar to the one she’d given him earlier that day.
‘Do you want to get out of here?’
He continued taking a sip of his scotch, a sip he’d delayed when he’d first heard her pipe up from the armchair. He took the time he used to savour and swallow the amber liquid to consider her proposal. He wanted nothing more than to just sit there, in the dark and get completely wasted until he forgot who he was.
But something inside him gripped tightly in his gut and twisted until he found himself intrigued by her question.
‘Where’d you have in mind?’
Annie got up and moved to sit on the coffee table in front of him. She pulled the tumbler of liquid from his hands, her disbelief that she didn’t have to prise it from his fingers evident on her face with the brief raising of her eyebrows.
She replaced the tumbler with both of her hands, gripping softly, relieved not to feel him recoil from her touch.
‘Does it matter? Anywhere has to be better than here.’
He rolled his eyes a little at the minor dramatic tone to her voice, and wondered how many acting classes she’d taken from Abed recently. He half-heartedly pointed to the bottle of Macallan that was closer to being half empty than full like it had been an hour ago, indicating he was in no fit state to drive.
Annie shrugged and stated simply, ‘I’ll drive,’ and moved to grab the keys to his Lexus from where he’d discarded them carelessly upon returning home earlier.
‘No...’ he moved to take them back from Annie who looked a little crest-fallen that he was not falling into line like he usually did when it came to her pushing for something, ‘...not the Lexus...’
‘I’m a careful driver Jeff, and I really think...’
‘...we’ll take this,’ he added before fishing out another set of car keys from his suit jacket that had until seconds ago been crumpled on the cushion of the couch, his dark mood taking over even his extreme vanity for a change. He pulled the suit jacket on and lifted Annie’s coat over her shoulders. She looked perplexed, but reacted well enough to follow Jeff to the door. He’d made his decision to go, and with one last look at the empty apartment that seemed to be a visual representation of how lacking his life was in having anything of real value, he pressed his hand to Annie’s back and led her out to the parking lot.
_____
To her credit Annie tried not to look too confused as Jeff held open the driver’s door to the classic Cherry Red Porsche Cabriolet which was parked next to his own Lexus.
‘It was my mom’s. I picked it up from her condo yesterday. My guess is she won’t be needing it now.’
He supposed his statement was a little more rueful than he’d anticipated but it didn’t seem to bother his friend as she climbed inside the car as gracefully as possible, the low suspension making it more of an effort.
‘It’s a beautiful car Jeff, I’m just not sure driving a Honda Civic hatchback from the year I was born really qualifies me to drive this classic.’
He sighed and settled into the passenger seat next to her.
‘It’s a car Annie, not the DARSIT.’
That earned him a minor smirk, one that hardly even grazed the surface of the tension between them, but it was enough for Annie to turn the key in the ignition and pull out of the parking lot - that was of course once she’d figured out how exactly to work the gear stick.
_____
‘So, where do you want to go?’
They’d been driving for an hour and Jeff realized that despite heading what appeared to be west, Annie didn’t appear to know exactly where their final destination would be.
She leaned over the dashboard and pulled on the old RayBan Wayfarers that had been left on the dashboard. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, figuring that he’d let her drive his mother’s car, what was the harm in her wearing her sunglasses too?
‘This was your idea Annie, I assumed you had somewhere in mind.’
‘Well, there is one place we could go, but it’s another three hours away...’
She pulled her left hand off the wheel and checked her wristwatch.
‘...we could make it by sunset?’
Reaching into the glove compartment he pulled out the pair of sunglasses he’d left there the previous evening. He’d counted on being back in his apartment by nightfall to resume his consumption of that special bottle of Macallan, not bedding down in some roadside motel with Annie for company.
He kicked off his dress shoes to get comfortable whilst beside him, a mane of long, brunette hair blew softly in the wind.
Jeff decided to answer her indirectly, choosing not to approach the sleeping arrangements just yet.
‘I hope you know where you’re going.’
_____
The first couple of hours went by fairly quickly.
He surprised even himself by how easily things he found it being able to talk nonsense with Annie. Conversation had ranged from looming finals to Pierce’s latest infatuation with one of the Greendale cafeteria catering attendants who was verging on filing for a restraining order. They talked, sat silently and then talked some more while the radio played classic 70s and 80s tunes that Annie really had no right knowing the words to.
‘You got a fast car, and I want a ticket to go anywhere...’
‘No way are you old enough to know this song.’
‘Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere...’
He smirks and sips at the cup of coffee he’d picked up at the last gas station. She continued to sing and he noticed that she could hold a tune, something he’d never really noticed before what with there being everything else about Annie that commands a person’s attention. But there in the car, driving through the middle of nowhere, he had nothing to distract him.
‘Seriously, just how old are you?’
She leaned over to take a sip from his cup of coffee before using her free hand to drag her hair away from her face for the hundredth time that journey.
His breath caught in his throat at the way she looked with her shades on, sun shining down to light up her face...and for a moment he wondered what he’d done to deserve her being there, with him - the eternal screw up.
‘It was one of my mom’s favourite songs actually. I might be young but even I get nostalgic for the times when things weren’t so bad. When I was like four or five years old she would sing it as I got ready for bed and I would try to sing along. I mean, I guess subconsciously she was lamenting her miserable life and the idea of cutting everything loose but all I remember is picking out my favourite stuffed animal, which by the way was a pink dolphin called Fleur, then my mom tucking me in to bed. It’s a happy memory - and for the record I’ll be twenty two in December.’
Jeff nodded with a smirk remembering Annie’s fondness for stuffed animals, including Ruthie and Nathan. It was strange, he could remember the names of her bedtime companions but that guy who left him that hate letter in his locker a few months ago still had him drawing a complete blank.
He was silent for a few moments before responding.
‘Good memories of my childhood are few and far between...’
And just like that the atmosphere in the car disintegrated from pleasant and relaxed to awkward.
‘...yeah, I wouldn’t know what to say either.’
‘Jeff although it’s not the same I do know what it’s like to have a parent abandon you. You can’t let it define you.’
He had to snort at that.
‘Bit late for that, having a therapist to work through my daddy issues, kind of gives the game away.’
‘Maybe, but it was and still is a part of your life that you find difficult to cope with. I still go to NA meetings for my Adderall issues but I have a life beyond all of that. It is possible Jeff and I think that if you give it a little time you’ll be able to put your dad behind you.’
‘I punched him in the face at my mom’s funeral Annie, I think it’s going to take a little bit more than extra sessions with my therapist and some more time.’
He watched as she straightened her back and readjusted her hands on the steering wheel back into the 10-2 position.
‘Ok, well if you could say anything to your dad, minus the aggravated assault, what would it be?’
‘Annie can we not...’
‘I’m serious,’ she pressed, interrupting his objections to delving into his psyche, ‘there’s nothing but me and a long, open road ahead of us. You can talk to me Jeff. I promise I won’t use it to psychoanalyze or judge you. I can keep a secret.’
He turned his head at the same time as she turned to look at him, each catching the other’s gaze and for a moment Jeff felt the tightness of anxiety in his chest release into a comforting feeling that spread like a warmth throughout his body.
Rolling his eyes and taking another sip of the cooling coffee, he slouched down in his seat and inhaled deeply.
‘Well, after I was done beating the crap out of him, which by the way is part of my problem in that I’ve always worried I’d become exactly the way he was, I guess I’d tell him that no matter what his explanations were I’d never forgive him...’
Annie readjusted her posture and nodded, encouraging him to continue.
He figured he’d started so he might as well go on.
_____
He talked for half an hour about how no matter what the excuses were, or how much pain his father’s actions had caused Jeff (because being abandoned at the zoo when he was six hurt more than a slap or kick ever could), his biggest problem was how his father had broken his mother’s heart by walking out the door, leaving her to figure out how to get on with the rest of her life.
He’d never forgive his father because his mother never really did get over him, or move on at all.
‘Until I met you guys, she was really the only person I ever really liked. She didn’t deserve what he did to her. And that’s why I hate him - for what he did to her, not me.’
‘Jeff...’
She reached over to rest her hand of top of his, causing him to flinch a little at the contact.
But as her thumb grazed across the back of his hand he turn it upwards and clasped his fingers with hers, holding her hand tight as he turned to watch the San Juan mountains came into better view as Annie carefully edged the car around the bend with little problem.
‘Thank you for suggesting this, I needed to get out my apartment. I’m sure I won’t thank you when I check my phone see that I have zero signal, you know, being taken to the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains, but I appreciate what you’ve done.’
‘When you see where I’m taking you, your phone will be the last thing on your mind. I promise.’
With that he settled back in his seat, relaxed enough to tap his foot along to the rhythm of My Sharona, realizing five minutes later he had yet to let go of her hand.
_____
Annie had parked the classic car at Box Canyon lodge which looked uncomfortably like one of those random motels on most episodes of that show with those brothers that hunt all kinds of creepy supernatural monsters across the mid-west.
He complained a little, but Annie had told him with a stern slap to the shoulder to stop being so precious and to follow her.
They’d walked for about twenty minutes up some dusty trail, during the trek he took the opportunity to remind Annie that he wasn’t dressed for such an activity and even if he was there was little to no chance he’d be doing this.
Annie didn’t respond and simply led them around the tree line to where the area flattened out into a clearing.
‘Annie, are you listening...ok, wow.’
She stood there, arms folded looking decidedly smug with herself as Jeff took in the view of the snow covered mountains in the distance and crystal clear lake spread out before them. The scene was like a postcard.
And in the distance the sun was beginning to set turning the sky into a spectrum of pink, red and orange.
‘It’s really something isn’t it? My parents used to bring me on this trail when I was younger, before my dad became an attending surgeon and we started holidaying in Hawaii instead of Ouray, Colorado.’
She leaned down to pick up a flat stone before reaching back to skip it across the still water, successfully managing to bounce it six times. She looked rather pleased with herself and handed him his own rock.
‘I was never any good at this,’ he offered, leaning back to throw the stone, it managing to skip three times before dropping below the surface, ‘see? I can add this to my list of reasons why I hate my dad, just below never teaching me how to pitch a baseball.’
He shoved his hands in his pockets, toeing the dirt shore with his dress shoes in frustration.
The irritated sigh caught in his throat though as he felt two arms encircle his waist from behind, and a head rest in between his shoulder blades. Instead the sigh he released was one of contentment.
‘I’ve wanted to do this all day.’
He took hold of Annie’s hands and turned in her arms, pulling her closer to return her embrace.
‘You didn’t have to drive me all the way out here to do that.’
‘No,’ she mumbled into his dress jacket, ‘but I figured you’d be more responsive whilst not sitting in your apartment drowning your sorrows.’
‘You might have a point...’
He pressed a chaste kiss to the top of her head, turning to look at the mountains as the sun finally disappeared behind them. He felt the tension in his shoulders release as Annie held on to him even tighter. If the temperature hadn’t dropped significantly in the last five minutes he could have stayed out there all night. It was a beautiful place that had unbelievably calming qualities about it.
‘...come on, let’s get back to the lodge and see if we can find a couple of horrendous souvenir t-shirts to sleep in.’
Annie pulled back, looking a little perplexed.
‘You don’t want to drive home? I just wanted you to see the place Jeff, I wasn’t trying to get you alone and force you to spend the night with me.’
‘I know,’ he mumbled rather uncomfortably, ‘but you drove all this way and I know I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Let’s just get a room and we can head home in the morning.’
‘Are you sure?’
Jeff moved back towards the path that led back around the tree line before stopping to jut his elbow out.
‘Milady?’
Annie meandered over to him before hooking her arm into his, no doubt relieved that Jeff wasn’t lost somewhere inside his own head.
_____
Her Orange Ouray Trojans t-shirt looked more like a tent as she emerged from the bathroom. From his position on one of the double beds he could see her fidget with the hems, actually trying to pull it below her knees.
‘If you try to make that thing any longer you’d have been as well buying that weird Ouray County Shooting Range snuggie they had on sale...’
Looking over her shoulder she gave him a glare that told him he wasn’t making her feel any better.
‘...hey, don’t give me that look, you were the one who drove us all the way here without bringing your hello kitty pyjamas.’
‘They’re Tinkerbell pyjamas Jeff and I was quite happy to drive us home.’
He smirked and flipped the page of American Angler (the only magazine in the souvenir shop left to buy), wondering how only eight hours ago he was seething with rage and wanting nothing more than to dull his anger with scotch.
‘You’d have driven us off the road -you look that tired. I can hardly believe you didn’t expect to stay over.’
He watched her pull her hair back into some kind of messy twist, the t-shirt ridding up that little too high forcing him to suppress a groan.
‘Do you really think I’d have left without packing a bag if I was intending that? Walking around in my underwear and a hideous polyester t-shirt is not my idea of planning ahead Jeff.’
‘Now who’s being precious?’
‘Don’t try to tell me it’s not killing you wearing that...’ she gestured pointing to his completely normal sized white Ouray Mountain Rescue shirt he’d opted for, claiming the Orange Trojans one was not his colour, ‘I saw you scratching at your neck a minute ago in the reflection of the mirror.’
He was ready to fire back at her that with a body like his it needed to be adorned in one hundred percent cotton, but decided against it for fear of her telling him to get over himself.
‘I never said I liked it, but there’s not much we can do about it now is there?’
Resigned to the fact that he was actually right she huffed a little and moved away from the dresser.
‘I guess not.’
And with that Annie flopped down on the side of her own bed and climbed under the covers.
_____
Jeff couldn’t remember the last time he was in bed for 9pm.
The old TV set had only three channels and as he flicked through with the remote control, he realized all of them were playing infomercials.
He turned in the bed to see Annie curled up in a ball, eyes closed, the covers lifting and falling every second or so as she inhaled and exhaled.
‘Annie?’
‘Hmm...’ was the sleepy, non-verbal response he received.
‘Are you asleep?’
She yawned before stretching out of her position to open her eyes, staring directly back at him.
‘I was trying to sleep but I have to concentrate really hard so that I don’t snore, because that would be really embarrassing, so it’s hard to let my brain shut down completely.’
‘That I have no problem believing.’
‘Jeff!’
Swinging his legs off the bed, he sat himself on top of the covers to her queen-size and settled down into the pillows.
‘I meant having trouble shutting down to sleep, not the snoring, however amusing that might be.’
He didn’t miss the way her frown turned up a little at the edges and her eyes softened towards him. It set off that tightening in his chest, and yet again he found himself annoyed at how unburdened he felt just being away from Greendale, his apartment and his mother who was now lying at peace in Greendale’s St. James Cemetery.
Was he just a terrible person who couldn’t commit to a feeling of mourning for longer than necessary? Or was it because of her? Annie.
The more he thought about her embrace earlier, how she said she had wanted to do that all day, it sent his thoughts flying in all different kinds of directions, desperately trying to find the usual mental blocks he would force up whenever she crept too far under his skin. But the difference this time was that he had no energy to force her out, or even the will to.
‘Jeff? Are you ok? Do you want to talk? You know, about your...’
‘No,’ he interposed, ‘no, I just wanted to lay here if that’s ok? I just don’t really want to be alone.’
He could see Annie’s brain, responding internally, telling him not being so silly, that she was just across the room at a respectable distance from his own bed. But the initial reaction flit across her face for only a second before she moved back towards him, resting her head against his side as he pulled his arms behind his head, relaxing down into the mattress.
‘Ok then,’ was the last thing he heard her murmur before drifting off to sleep.
_____
A glance at the alarm clock on the bedside table told him it was 4.30am. That time twenty four hours ago he was lying alone in bed, in his apartment doing the exact same thing - staring at the clock, unable to get back to sleep.
He looked down towards Annie who was on her side, facing away from him, her legs all askew amongst the sheets. Even in her sleep she seemed to want to give him the space that most people never did but that he needed.
Yet what he needed most was the feeling of having her in his arms, the way she felt the previous evening out by the lake. While it eased the tightening in his chest, at the same time the feeling made his heart race to the point where he had no doubt that he was in fact a living being capable of feeling something incredible.
And she had no idea.
Or at least she shouldn’t, not with the way he had kept her hanging by a thread with the affection he would throw in her direction every now and again.
If he were a better man he would resolve to do something about it all, tell her how she made him feel like he was worth more than he ever gave himself credit for (because even if he was class A awesome on the outside, on the inside he was crippled with his own insecurities like every other person on the planet).
If he were a better man, he would tell her how he cared for her more than he really should.
But he wasn’t a better man, his reaction at his mother’s funeral the previous day was testament to that blatant fact, yet that didn’t mean he couldn’t be.
He heard her sigh in her sleep, shaking a little at the cold. He pulled the white sheets up over them both and moved in to settle behind Annie. He found himself draping an arm over her, pulling her close. She sighed again and buried her head further into the pillows, settling into his hold.
Physically being that close was messed up and pushing the boundaries between the two of them more than ever before.
But for now, his own selfish need was more important than what was right and wrong.
_____
He woke again at 7am. This time Annie was curled into him, the top of her head resting gently under his chin. She looked so peaceful lying there in his arms. He almost forgot that they were nothing more than good friends and this wasn’t what his life was meant to be like.
Annie stirred and opened her eyes before he could pull his gaze away from her face. Her eyelids fluttered open and looked bewildered to find him staring at her. Confused and flushed under his intense fixation on her she tried to extricate herself from his hold but he held her still and shook his head.
‘Don’t...’ he murmured as he dipped his head and caught her lips with his own, pulling her into him. Initial hesitation soon gave way as Annie gripped his t-shirt, responding to his kiss with a soft and gentle reciprocation. Fingers found their way into her hair as her slender legs intertwined themselves in his, toes curling around his calf sending a jolt of anticipation through his nervous system.
But his anxiety soon returned though as his hands wandered along her shoulder and down her back, trying to pull her closer with a strong grip on her behind only to feel Annie’s fists flatten against his chest, pushing him away.
‘No, this isn’t right.’
Before he could reclaim any control over the situation, she had swung her legs over the side of the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. Seconds later, as he heard the shower turn on, he turned his anger on the pillows.
_____
She’d been in the bathroom for nearly an hour.
He’d decided just to dress and forgo his usual morning routine, Jeff’s mind completely warped from the extreme of emotions he’d been through in the space of twenty four hours.
So he sat there, flat on his back, feet dangling over the edge of the bed, trying to figure out whether to apologize for kissing her, or demand an explanation for her reaction.
But as the bathroom door clicked open, his mind went blank of everything.
‘Come on, we better check out and get on the road.’
She strode past him with damp hair, grabbing her bag before making for the door. He watched almost in suspended animation as the one person he truly knew he could trust and be himself with walked away from him.
He’d already lost the last person he was comfortable with in that sense, his mother. He wasn’t about to lose another because of something he’d done to screw it up.
‘Annie, wait.’
But she didn’t, throwing the door open to make her way out. He’d grabbed his wallet and suit jacket, slamming the door closed behind him as he chased her out into the parking lot.
‘Annie!’
She paused and cautiously looked over her shoulder, allowing Jeff to catch up with her.
‘Jeff we need to get home. This was never supposed to be a sleepover.’
‘Are you really going to just pretend that didn’t happen?’
Annie sighed and leaned back against the bodywork of Jeff’s mother’s Porsche, casually discarding her purse into the passenger seat.
‘I’m not pretending it didn’t happen, I just don’t think we need to talk about it.’
‘Well that’s going to make the journey home real pleasant,’ he muttered, slamming shut the driver side door after climbing in. She stood there staring at him before finally getting in the passenger seat after the third rev of the engine.
_____
They travelled along in relative silence for nearly an hour before she said a word to him.
‘I don’t want to argue with you Jeff, I really don’t.’
‘Well, don’t kiss me back then hide in the bathroom like a teenager,’ he muttered, not turning to even look at her, ‘we established yesterday you’re definitely an adult.’
She sighed and pulled his mother’s sunglasses down, curling up into the seat. She watched him tentatively but he made no move to acknowledge her, choosing to fix his posture with one hand on the steering wheel, the other rested against his head as they sped along Route 550.
‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but you shouldn’t have kissed me.’
‘Shouldn’t?’ he questioned, gripping the wheel tighter, ‘you were the one who dragged me to the middle of nowhere and messed with my head.’
Annie shook her head to herself, pulling the hair that had been billowing around her from her eye line.
‘That wasn’t my intention Jeff and you know it! I was trying to be a good friend. I wanted to make sure you weren’t sitting along in your apartment procrastinating over whether you’d turned into your father or not. I did it because you’re my friend, not because I wanted you to kiss me...’
It was at that point that Jeff pushed on the brake and pulled over to the side of the road, yanking on the hand brake that little bit harder than he needed to.
‘...Jeff, what are you doing?’
‘Annie, my mom just died and I punched my dad in front of everyone at her funeral. If I wanted to sit alone and drink myself to sleep then I think I’m entitled to do that. I’m not your responsibility so why did you take it upon yourself to convince me to do the exact opposite?’
Annie turned forward in her seat so she didn’t have to look at him.
‘I already told you, we’re friends and I...’
‘And you care about me, right?’
‘Of course I do, but...’
‘Why can’t you just admit that you have feelings for me? Admit that’s the reason why you came to my apartment. That there’s more going on between us that just friends?’
She sat there staring into the distance and refused to answer him, fidgeting instead with the hem of her dress.
‘Annie? C’mon, Annie just look at me,’ but his pleas failed to have any effect leading him to the point where the only thing that was going to work was taking her face into his hands and pulling her around to look at him, ‘Annie, we can’t keep doing this.’
‘No I guess we can’t,’ she reluctantly agreed, ‘but you need to deal with losing your mother and whatever guilt you have about that before you act on whatever it is you feel for me. You’ve let me down before, what with the Tranny Dance and the whole Annie Of It All fiasco. I can’t let you do something that you’re going to regret later, because I’m the one who’s going to get hurt Jeff.’
Jeff sat there and considered what she had said and had to agree that she had a point. Over the years he’d gotten better at handling his feelings and the emotions that came with them. He’d gone from flat out denying that he was even capable of caring to struggling to know what to do with the feelings that kept bubbling up inside of him. Looking back now, kissing her out of the blue like he had was absolutely the wrong thing to do...then.
‘I’m sorry, I guess I just can’t shake that selfish gene of mine. My dad has a lot to answer for.’
‘Jeff, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish every now and again, but own it - don’t blame him for everything. Your mom raised you to be a pretty decent guy without your dad being around. I wouldn’t be friends with you if you weren’t. I told you three years ago, I have good taste...’
He offered a smile which Annie thankfully returned before reaching for his hand.
‘I’m not saying that this is never going to happen. You’re right, there’s always going to be something more than just friends between us, but right now you I think you should let me and the rest of the group just be your friend and help you through this no matter how much that makes you squirm. And maybe once you’re back to your usual self we can pick up where we left off back there.’
He sighed and rubbed him thumb across the back of her hand before letting it go.
‘You’re always right, you know that?’
She shrugged and offered a small smirk.
‘It’s a gift.’
‘Oh, now who’s acting all smug and egotistical huh?’
‘Well, nobody’s perfect I guess.’
He watched as she moved in her chair to get comfortable, readjusting her sunglasses and fussing with her hair in the mirror of her sun visor. She was right that he needed to just spend time getting over the loss of his mother, but he knew that no matter how premature he was to act on his feelings, in time she’d see just how right he to finally put himself out there.
‘I don’t know, you’re pretty perfect to me.’
She turned toward him again, eyes finding his, so much so that he could see the walls she’d built up since their kiss begin to crack a little.
She didn’t say anything as he leaned towards her to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, the tip of her nose and finally her lips for the briefest of seconds. He shook his head as she tried to think of something to say, silently telling her that she needn’t say anything at all.
This time he gently turned the key in the ignition, put the convertible into gear and released the handbrake. The remaining few hours of their trip was spent much in the same way as they had spent the first car journey to Ouray, chatting about nonsense and singing along to the cheesy radio classics.
As Annie started to sing the first few lines of Total Eclipse of the Heart (coincidentally his mother’s favourite song), he leaned his right hand over and threaded his fingers with hers, relieved she didn’t reject him.
For the rest of the journey back to Greendale he held her hand tightly, contemplating just how to convince her (when the time was right of course) that he was ready to let her in all the way, and that he’d never let someone else he loved slip through his fingers.
Author: x_avecia_x
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Think this one is fairly clean!
Word Count: 6,634
Disclaimer: I do not own Community - although I would totally marry Dan Harmon then claim half in our (inevitable) divorce settlement - that is unless he concedes to my end game Jeff/Annie demands. If you recognize any of it, it isn't mine.
Summary: Jeff struggles to cope with losing the only person he thought he ever cared about.
Author's Note: So, I’ve been blocked for most of my other fics as well as trying to deal with working 12 hours a day and moving house. But, this is something that came to me and I couldn’t stop writing. It’s a bit of an exploration of Jeff’s psyche and how Annie reacts to this. I hope you enjoy and don’t find it too much of a struggle to read. I'm going un-beta'd so apologies for any typos or grammar issues - it's 12.30am here x
_____
It would take a long time for the dust to settle after a day like the one he’d just experienced.
Having just put his mother in the ground, losing the one person he ever truly liked, was enough for it to have made it to the top of his list of worst days ever. But when William Winger showed his falsely mournful face at the funeral home, Jeff couldn’t find the strength within him to stop from knocking six shades of shit out the bastard.
The moment he spotted the face he would never forget, he’d lost his self-control. In front of dozens of mourners, he fell afoul of his temper, exactly like the one that had plagued his father for years. The temper that had made him despise the man for what he did to his mother (and on occasion himself) for years before he finally had the decency to just leave them both behind to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.
It took Troy, Abed and eventually Pierce to pull him away, letting his father crawl his way to the exit as Britta shouted after William Winger that he should rot in hell. Shirley had instantly started apologizing to the Pastor for Jeff’s behaviour, and thereafter to God Himself, begging for forgiveness.
And after Jeff had shrugged away the grip of Troy, keeping him from chasing after his father, Annie had stood and looked him dead in the eye, a look something between disappointment and utter fear of the behaviour she’d witnessed from him - someone she had clearly thought was better than he really was.
That final intervention was enough for him to simply duck his head in shame before walking away.
Now, sitting in his apartment, nursing a heavily bruised hand and a bottle of 60 year old Macallan (something he’d kept for what he’d hoped might be a happy occasion), he felt the guilt seep under his skin, gradually consuming him.
His mother would be so disappointed in him. She’d always told him that the man he would become, whoever that would be, would always be leagues above his poor excuse for a father. But, after his display of unhinged anger during a time when he was supposed to be celebrating the life of Doreen Winger, he was sure that his mother had been sorely mistaken.
He barely heard the knock at his door, interrupting the dark silence that he’d welcomed the moment he stepped into his apartment an hour earlier. His drapes hadn’t been pulled back in three days despite it now being almost three in the afternoon. He was tempted to just stay where he was, leaving his caller standing in the hall, content to fall further into the dark drunken state he hoped would come quickly.
But another knock came, and another thirty seconds after that.
He knew that whoever it was, it was likely to be a member of the study group. Nobody else knew where he lived (he sighed at that, wishing he’d actually gotten around to telling his mother before she’d passed away).
Jeff pushed the bottle of whiskey onto the coffee table before making his way to the door. Another knock rang out as he looked through the fisheye lens embedded in the wood.
Of course it would be her.
‘I’m really not in the mood for whatever it is that you want,’ he sighed as he opened the door.
‘All I want Jeff is to make sure you’re okay. It was either me or Britta and I figured you’d appreciate a visit from her even less.’
She stood there not making a move to enter, and he couldn’t help but appreciate her lack of insistence on barging into his space.
‘Annie I...look, I can’t be around anyone right now. I just want to be on my own.’
She nodded and pulled her long black coat further around her.
‘I understand,’ she replied, moving to walk away before stopping, ‘I uh, I just wanted to apologize for today.’
‘Apologize for what?’ he asked, his face turned up at the ceiling, eyes rolling slightly, barely having the energy or desire to know what she wanted to say sorry for.
‘For being judgmental I guess. I have no idea what you’ve been through with your da...’ she paused to correct herself because even biology couldn’t reconcile the idea that that man was ever a father to Jeff, ‘...with him and I guess I was just shocked to see you react so angrily. If I looked like I was disappointed in you and that made you feel bad, well, that was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. You’re my friend, but it’s not my business to be so condemnatory.’
Jeff sighed again and moved to the side, indicating she was welcome to enter the apartment. Annie looked unsure but eventually made her way inside. She stood with her hands in her pockets (something she never did so he was sure she was trying to avoid fidgeting with her hands) and made no move to get comfortable.
‘You can take off your coat and sit down if you want.’
Annie watched him settle onto the couch before she eventually removed her woollen coat and sat in the armchair opposite. He noticed she hadn’t changed out of her black dress. If it were possible she looked even more drained than he felt.
He reached for the bottle of Macallan before pulling back, instead opting to find a tumbler. He didn’t have any need to care what she thought of him drinking straight from the bottle in his own apartment, but somehow he didn’t want to appear even more hopeless than she’d witnessed earlier that afternoon.
‘Can I get you something to drink? I don’t feel comfortable drinking around someone who isn’t and on today of all days I need a drink.’
He made his way into the kitchen and pulled a tumbler from the cabinet, pausing for her response.
‘No thanks, I’m good but go ahead - no judging, right?’
‘Right,’ he mumbled before taking his seat again on the couch.
Jeff had never understood the idea of silence being deafening, he wasn’t one to buy into overly used idioms or metaphors, but whatever it was, the silence between himself and Annie was uncomfortable at best.
Clearly Annie felt it too when she seemed to snap her head in his direction, fixing him with a stare not that dissimilar to the one she’d given him earlier that day.
‘Do you want to get out of here?’
He continued taking a sip of his scotch, a sip he’d delayed when he’d first heard her pipe up from the armchair. He took the time he used to savour and swallow the amber liquid to consider her proposal. He wanted nothing more than to just sit there, in the dark and get completely wasted until he forgot who he was.
But something inside him gripped tightly in his gut and twisted until he found himself intrigued by her question.
‘Where’d you have in mind?’
Annie got up and moved to sit on the coffee table in front of him. She pulled the tumbler of liquid from his hands, her disbelief that she didn’t have to prise it from his fingers evident on her face with the brief raising of her eyebrows.
She replaced the tumbler with both of her hands, gripping softly, relieved not to feel him recoil from her touch.
‘Does it matter? Anywhere has to be better than here.’
He rolled his eyes a little at the minor dramatic tone to her voice, and wondered how many acting classes she’d taken from Abed recently. He half-heartedly pointed to the bottle of Macallan that was closer to being half empty than full like it had been an hour ago, indicating he was in no fit state to drive.
Annie shrugged and stated simply, ‘I’ll drive,’ and moved to grab the keys to his Lexus from where he’d discarded them carelessly upon returning home earlier.
‘No...’ he moved to take them back from Annie who looked a little crest-fallen that he was not falling into line like he usually did when it came to her pushing for something, ‘...not the Lexus...’
‘I’m a careful driver Jeff, and I really think...’
‘...we’ll take this,’ he added before fishing out another set of car keys from his suit jacket that had until seconds ago been crumpled on the cushion of the couch, his dark mood taking over even his extreme vanity for a change. He pulled the suit jacket on and lifted Annie’s coat over her shoulders. She looked perplexed, but reacted well enough to follow Jeff to the door. He’d made his decision to go, and with one last look at the empty apartment that seemed to be a visual representation of how lacking his life was in having anything of real value, he pressed his hand to Annie’s back and led her out to the parking lot.
_____
To her credit Annie tried not to look too confused as Jeff held open the driver’s door to the classic Cherry Red Porsche Cabriolet which was parked next to his own Lexus.
‘It was my mom’s. I picked it up from her condo yesterday. My guess is she won’t be needing it now.’
He supposed his statement was a little more rueful than he’d anticipated but it didn’t seem to bother his friend as she climbed inside the car as gracefully as possible, the low suspension making it more of an effort.
‘It’s a beautiful car Jeff, I’m just not sure driving a Honda Civic hatchback from the year I was born really qualifies me to drive this classic.’
He sighed and settled into the passenger seat next to her.
‘It’s a car Annie, not the DARSIT.’
That earned him a minor smirk, one that hardly even grazed the surface of the tension between them, but it was enough for Annie to turn the key in the ignition and pull out of the parking lot - that was of course once she’d figured out how exactly to work the gear stick.
_____
‘So, where do you want to go?’
They’d been driving for an hour and Jeff realized that despite heading what appeared to be west, Annie didn’t appear to know exactly where their final destination would be.
She leaned over the dashboard and pulled on the old RayBan Wayfarers that had been left on the dashboard. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, figuring that he’d let her drive his mother’s car, what was the harm in her wearing her sunglasses too?
‘This was your idea Annie, I assumed you had somewhere in mind.’
‘Well, there is one place we could go, but it’s another three hours away...’
She pulled her left hand off the wheel and checked her wristwatch.
‘...we could make it by sunset?’
Reaching into the glove compartment he pulled out the pair of sunglasses he’d left there the previous evening. He’d counted on being back in his apartment by nightfall to resume his consumption of that special bottle of Macallan, not bedding down in some roadside motel with Annie for company.
He kicked off his dress shoes to get comfortable whilst beside him, a mane of long, brunette hair blew softly in the wind.
Jeff decided to answer her indirectly, choosing not to approach the sleeping arrangements just yet.
‘I hope you know where you’re going.’
_____
The first couple of hours went by fairly quickly.
He surprised even himself by how easily things he found it being able to talk nonsense with Annie. Conversation had ranged from looming finals to Pierce’s latest infatuation with one of the Greendale cafeteria catering attendants who was verging on filing for a restraining order. They talked, sat silently and then talked some more while the radio played classic 70s and 80s tunes that Annie really had no right knowing the words to.
‘You got a fast car, and I want a ticket to go anywhere...’
‘No way are you old enough to know this song.’
‘Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere...’
He smirks and sips at the cup of coffee he’d picked up at the last gas station. She continued to sing and he noticed that she could hold a tune, something he’d never really noticed before what with there being everything else about Annie that commands a person’s attention. But there in the car, driving through the middle of nowhere, he had nothing to distract him.
‘Seriously, just how old are you?’
She leaned over to take a sip from his cup of coffee before using her free hand to drag her hair away from her face for the hundredth time that journey.
His breath caught in his throat at the way she looked with her shades on, sun shining down to light up her face...and for a moment he wondered what he’d done to deserve her being there, with him - the eternal screw up.
‘It was one of my mom’s favourite songs actually. I might be young but even I get nostalgic for the times when things weren’t so bad. When I was like four or five years old she would sing it as I got ready for bed and I would try to sing along. I mean, I guess subconsciously she was lamenting her miserable life and the idea of cutting everything loose but all I remember is picking out my favourite stuffed animal, which by the way was a pink dolphin called Fleur, then my mom tucking me in to bed. It’s a happy memory - and for the record I’ll be twenty two in December.’
Jeff nodded with a smirk remembering Annie’s fondness for stuffed animals, including Ruthie and Nathan. It was strange, he could remember the names of her bedtime companions but that guy who left him that hate letter in his locker a few months ago still had him drawing a complete blank.
He was silent for a few moments before responding.
‘Good memories of my childhood are few and far between...’
And just like that the atmosphere in the car disintegrated from pleasant and relaxed to awkward.
‘...yeah, I wouldn’t know what to say either.’
‘Jeff although it’s not the same I do know what it’s like to have a parent abandon you. You can’t let it define you.’
He had to snort at that.
‘Bit late for that, having a therapist to work through my daddy issues, kind of gives the game away.’
‘Maybe, but it was and still is a part of your life that you find difficult to cope with. I still go to NA meetings for my Adderall issues but I have a life beyond all of that. It is possible Jeff and I think that if you give it a little time you’ll be able to put your dad behind you.’
‘I punched him in the face at my mom’s funeral Annie, I think it’s going to take a little bit more than extra sessions with my therapist and some more time.’
He watched as she straightened her back and readjusted her hands on the steering wheel back into the 10-2 position.
‘Ok, well if you could say anything to your dad, minus the aggravated assault, what would it be?’
‘Annie can we not...’
‘I’m serious,’ she pressed, interrupting his objections to delving into his psyche, ‘there’s nothing but me and a long, open road ahead of us. You can talk to me Jeff. I promise I won’t use it to psychoanalyze or judge you. I can keep a secret.’
He turned his head at the same time as she turned to look at him, each catching the other’s gaze and for a moment Jeff felt the tightness of anxiety in his chest release into a comforting feeling that spread like a warmth throughout his body.
Rolling his eyes and taking another sip of the cooling coffee, he slouched down in his seat and inhaled deeply.
‘Well, after I was done beating the crap out of him, which by the way is part of my problem in that I’ve always worried I’d become exactly the way he was, I guess I’d tell him that no matter what his explanations were I’d never forgive him...’
Annie readjusted her posture and nodded, encouraging him to continue.
He figured he’d started so he might as well go on.
_____
He talked for half an hour about how no matter what the excuses were, or how much pain his father’s actions had caused Jeff (because being abandoned at the zoo when he was six hurt more than a slap or kick ever could), his biggest problem was how his father had broken his mother’s heart by walking out the door, leaving her to figure out how to get on with the rest of her life.
He’d never forgive his father because his mother never really did get over him, or move on at all.
‘Until I met you guys, she was really the only person I ever really liked. She didn’t deserve what he did to her. And that’s why I hate him - for what he did to her, not me.’
‘Jeff...’
She reached over to rest her hand of top of his, causing him to flinch a little at the contact.
But as her thumb grazed across the back of his hand he turn it upwards and clasped his fingers with hers, holding her hand tight as he turned to watch the San Juan mountains came into better view as Annie carefully edged the car around the bend with little problem.
‘Thank you for suggesting this, I needed to get out my apartment. I’m sure I won’t thank you when I check my phone see that I have zero signal, you know, being taken to the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains, but I appreciate what you’ve done.’
‘When you see where I’m taking you, your phone will be the last thing on your mind. I promise.’
With that he settled back in his seat, relaxed enough to tap his foot along to the rhythm of My Sharona, realizing five minutes later he had yet to let go of her hand.
_____
Annie had parked the classic car at Box Canyon lodge which looked uncomfortably like one of those random motels on most episodes of that show with those brothers that hunt all kinds of creepy supernatural monsters across the mid-west.
He complained a little, but Annie had told him with a stern slap to the shoulder to stop being so precious and to follow her.
They’d walked for about twenty minutes up some dusty trail, during the trek he took the opportunity to remind Annie that he wasn’t dressed for such an activity and even if he was there was little to no chance he’d be doing this.
Annie didn’t respond and simply led them around the tree line to where the area flattened out into a clearing.
‘Annie, are you listening...ok, wow.’
She stood there, arms folded looking decidedly smug with herself as Jeff took in the view of the snow covered mountains in the distance and crystal clear lake spread out before them. The scene was like a postcard.
And in the distance the sun was beginning to set turning the sky into a spectrum of pink, red and orange.
‘It’s really something isn’t it? My parents used to bring me on this trail when I was younger, before my dad became an attending surgeon and we started holidaying in Hawaii instead of Ouray, Colorado.’
She leaned down to pick up a flat stone before reaching back to skip it across the still water, successfully managing to bounce it six times. She looked rather pleased with herself and handed him his own rock.
‘I was never any good at this,’ he offered, leaning back to throw the stone, it managing to skip three times before dropping below the surface, ‘see? I can add this to my list of reasons why I hate my dad, just below never teaching me how to pitch a baseball.’
He shoved his hands in his pockets, toeing the dirt shore with his dress shoes in frustration.
The irritated sigh caught in his throat though as he felt two arms encircle his waist from behind, and a head rest in between his shoulder blades. Instead the sigh he released was one of contentment.
‘I’ve wanted to do this all day.’
He took hold of Annie’s hands and turned in her arms, pulling her closer to return her embrace.
‘You didn’t have to drive me all the way out here to do that.’
‘No,’ she mumbled into his dress jacket, ‘but I figured you’d be more responsive whilst not sitting in your apartment drowning your sorrows.’
‘You might have a point...’
He pressed a chaste kiss to the top of her head, turning to look at the mountains as the sun finally disappeared behind them. He felt the tension in his shoulders release as Annie held on to him even tighter. If the temperature hadn’t dropped significantly in the last five minutes he could have stayed out there all night. It was a beautiful place that had unbelievably calming qualities about it.
‘...come on, let’s get back to the lodge and see if we can find a couple of horrendous souvenir t-shirts to sleep in.’
Annie pulled back, looking a little perplexed.
‘You don’t want to drive home? I just wanted you to see the place Jeff, I wasn’t trying to get you alone and force you to spend the night with me.’
‘I know,’ he mumbled rather uncomfortably, ‘but you drove all this way and I know I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Let’s just get a room and we can head home in the morning.’
‘Are you sure?’
Jeff moved back towards the path that led back around the tree line before stopping to jut his elbow out.
‘Milady?’
Annie meandered over to him before hooking her arm into his, no doubt relieved that Jeff wasn’t lost somewhere inside his own head.
_____
Her Orange Ouray Trojans t-shirt looked more like a tent as she emerged from the bathroom. From his position on one of the double beds he could see her fidget with the hems, actually trying to pull it below her knees.
‘If you try to make that thing any longer you’d have been as well buying that weird Ouray County Shooting Range snuggie they had on sale...’
Looking over her shoulder she gave him a glare that told him he wasn’t making her feel any better.
‘...hey, don’t give me that look, you were the one who drove us all the way here without bringing your hello kitty pyjamas.’
‘They’re Tinkerbell pyjamas Jeff and I was quite happy to drive us home.’
He smirked and flipped the page of American Angler (the only magazine in the souvenir shop left to buy), wondering how only eight hours ago he was seething with rage and wanting nothing more than to dull his anger with scotch.
‘You’d have driven us off the road -you look that tired. I can hardly believe you didn’t expect to stay over.’
He watched her pull her hair back into some kind of messy twist, the t-shirt ridding up that little too high forcing him to suppress a groan.
‘Do you really think I’d have left without packing a bag if I was intending that? Walking around in my underwear and a hideous polyester t-shirt is not my idea of planning ahead Jeff.’
‘Now who’s being precious?’
‘Don’t try to tell me it’s not killing you wearing that...’ she gestured pointing to his completely normal sized white Ouray Mountain Rescue shirt he’d opted for, claiming the Orange Trojans one was not his colour, ‘I saw you scratching at your neck a minute ago in the reflection of the mirror.’
He was ready to fire back at her that with a body like his it needed to be adorned in one hundred percent cotton, but decided against it for fear of her telling him to get over himself.
‘I never said I liked it, but there’s not much we can do about it now is there?’
Resigned to the fact that he was actually right she huffed a little and moved away from the dresser.
‘I guess not.’
And with that Annie flopped down on the side of her own bed and climbed under the covers.
_____
Jeff couldn’t remember the last time he was in bed for 9pm.
The old TV set had only three channels and as he flicked through with the remote control, he realized all of them were playing infomercials.
He turned in the bed to see Annie curled up in a ball, eyes closed, the covers lifting and falling every second or so as she inhaled and exhaled.
‘Annie?’
‘Hmm...’ was the sleepy, non-verbal response he received.
‘Are you asleep?’
She yawned before stretching out of her position to open her eyes, staring directly back at him.
‘I was trying to sleep but I have to concentrate really hard so that I don’t snore, because that would be really embarrassing, so it’s hard to let my brain shut down completely.’
‘That I have no problem believing.’
‘Jeff!’
Swinging his legs off the bed, he sat himself on top of the covers to her queen-size and settled down into the pillows.
‘I meant having trouble shutting down to sleep, not the snoring, however amusing that might be.’
He didn’t miss the way her frown turned up a little at the edges and her eyes softened towards him. It set off that tightening in his chest, and yet again he found himself annoyed at how unburdened he felt just being away from Greendale, his apartment and his mother who was now lying at peace in Greendale’s St. James Cemetery.
Was he just a terrible person who couldn’t commit to a feeling of mourning for longer than necessary? Or was it because of her? Annie.
The more he thought about her embrace earlier, how she said she had wanted to do that all day, it sent his thoughts flying in all different kinds of directions, desperately trying to find the usual mental blocks he would force up whenever she crept too far under his skin. But the difference this time was that he had no energy to force her out, or even the will to.
‘Jeff? Are you ok? Do you want to talk? You know, about your...’
‘No,’ he interposed, ‘no, I just wanted to lay here if that’s ok? I just don’t really want to be alone.’
He could see Annie’s brain, responding internally, telling him not being so silly, that she was just across the room at a respectable distance from his own bed. But the initial reaction flit across her face for only a second before she moved back towards him, resting her head against his side as he pulled his arms behind his head, relaxing down into the mattress.
‘Ok then,’ was the last thing he heard her murmur before drifting off to sleep.
_____
A glance at the alarm clock on the bedside table told him it was 4.30am. That time twenty four hours ago he was lying alone in bed, in his apartment doing the exact same thing - staring at the clock, unable to get back to sleep.
He looked down towards Annie who was on her side, facing away from him, her legs all askew amongst the sheets. Even in her sleep she seemed to want to give him the space that most people never did but that he needed.
Yet what he needed most was the feeling of having her in his arms, the way she felt the previous evening out by the lake. While it eased the tightening in his chest, at the same time the feeling made his heart race to the point where he had no doubt that he was in fact a living being capable of feeling something incredible.
And she had no idea.
Or at least she shouldn’t, not with the way he had kept her hanging by a thread with the affection he would throw in her direction every now and again.
If he were a better man he would resolve to do something about it all, tell her how she made him feel like he was worth more than he ever gave himself credit for (because even if he was class A awesome on the outside, on the inside he was crippled with his own insecurities like every other person on the planet).
If he were a better man, he would tell her how he cared for her more than he really should.
But he wasn’t a better man, his reaction at his mother’s funeral the previous day was testament to that blatant fact, yet that didn’t mean he couldn’t be.
He heard her sigh in her sleep, shaking a little at the cold. He pulled the white sheets up over them both and moved in to settle behind Annie. He found himself draping an arm over her, pulling her close. She sighed again and buried her head further into the pillows, settling into his hold.
Physically being that close was messed up and pushing the boundaries between the two of them more than ever before.
But for now, his own selfish need was more important than what was right and wrong.
_____
He woke again at 7am. This time Annie was curled into him, the top of her head resting gently under his chin. She looked so peaceful lying there in his arms. He almost forgot that they were nothing more than good friends and this wasn’t what his life was meant to be like.
Annie stirred and opened her eyes before he could pull his gaze away from her face. Her eyelids fluttered open and looked bewildered to find him staring at her. Confused and flushed under his intense fixation on her she tried to extricate herself from his hold but he held her still and shook his head.
‘Don’t...’ he murmured as he dipped his head and caught her lips with his own, pulling her into him. Initial hesitation soon gave way as Annie gripped his t-shirt, responding to his kiss with a soft and gentle reciprocation. Fingers found their way into her hair as her slender legs intertwined themselves in his, toes curling around his calf sending a jolt of anticipation through his nervous system.
But his anxiety soon returned though as his hands wandered along her shoulder and down her back, trying to pull her closer with a strong grip on her behind only to feel Annie’s fists flatten against his chest, pushing him away.
‘No, this isn’t right.’
Before he could reclaim any control over the situation, she had swung her legs over the side of the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. Seconds later, as he heard the shower turn on, he turned his anger on the pillows.
_____
She’d been in the bathroom for nearly an hour.
He’d decided just to dress and forgo his usual morning routine, Jeff’s mind completely warped from the extreme of emotions he’d been through in the space of twenty four hours.
So he sat there, flat on his back, feet dangling over the edge of the bed, trying to figure out whether to apologize for kissing her, or demand an explanation for her reaction.
But as the bathroom door clicked open, his mind went blank of everything.
‘Come on, we better check out and get on the road.’
She strode past him with damp hair, grabbing her bag before making for the door. He watched almost in suspended animation as the one person he truly knew he could trust and be himself with walked away from him.
He’d already lost the last person he was comfortable with in that sense, his mother. He wasn’t about to lose another because of something he’d done to screw it up.
‘Annie, wait.’
But she didn’t, throwing the door open to make her way out. He’d grabbed his wallet and suit jacket, slamming the door closed behind him as he chased her out into the parking lot.
‘Annie!’
She paused and cautiously looked over her shoulder, allowing Jeff to catch up with her.
‘Jeff we need to get home. This was never supposed to be a sleepover.’
‘Are you really going to just pretend that didn’t happen?’
Annie sighed and leaned back against the bodywork of Jeff’s mother’s Porsche, casually discarding her purse into the passenger seat.
‘I’m not pretending it didn’t happen, I just don’t think we need to talk about it.’
‘Well that’s going to make the journey home real pleasant,’ he muttered, slamming shut the driver side door after climbing in. She stood there staring at him before finally getting in the passenger seat after the third rev of the engine.
_____
They travelled along in relative silence for nearly an hour before she said a word to him.
‘I don’t want to argue with you Jeff, I really don’t.’
‘Well, don’t kiss me back then hide in the bathroom like a teenager,’ he muttered, not turning to even look at her, ‘we established yesterday you’re definitely an adult.’
She sighed and pulled his mother’s sunglasses down, curling up into the seat. She watched him tentatively but he made no move to acknowledge her, choosing to fix his posture with one hand on the steering wheel, the other rested against his head as they sped along Route 550.
‘You’re right, I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but you shouldn’t have kissed me.’
‘Shouldn’t?’ he questioned, gripping the wheel tighter, ‘you were the one who dragged me to the middle of nowhere and messed with my head.’
Annie shook her head to herself, pulling the hair that had been billowing around her from her eye line.
‘That wasn’t my intention Jeff and you know it! I was trying to be a good friend. I wanted to make sure you weren’t sitting along in your apartment procrastinating over whether you’d turned into your father or not. I did it because you’re my friend, not because I wanted you to kiss me...’
It was at that point that Jeff pushed on the brake and pulled over to the side of the road, yanking on the hand brake that little bit harder than he needed to.
‘...Jeff, what are you doing?’
‘Annie, my mom just died and I punched my dad in front of everyone at her funeral. If I wanted to sit alone and drink myself to sleep then I think I’m entitled to do that. I’m not your responsibility so why did you take it upon yourself to convince me to do the exact opposite?’
Annie turned forward in her seat so she didn’t have to look at him.
‘I already told you, we’re friends and I...’
‘And you care about me, right?’
‘Of course I do, but...’
‘Why can’t you just admit that you have feelings for me? Admit that’s the reason why you came to my apartment. That there’s more going on between us that just friends?’
She sat there staring into the distance and refused to answer him, fidgeting instead with the hem of her dress.
‘Annie? C’mon, Annie just look at me,’ but his pleas failed to have any effect leading him to the point where the only thing that was going to work was taking her face into his hands and pulling her around to look at him, ‘Annie, we can’t keep doing this.’
‘No I guess we can’t,’ she reluctantly agreed, ‘but you need to deal with losing your mother and whatever guilt you have about that before you act on whatever it is you feel for me. You’ve let me down before, what with the Tranny Dance and the whole Annie Of It All fiasco. I can’t let you do something that you’re going to regret later, because I’m the one who’s going to get hurt Jeff.’
Jeff sat there and considered what she had said and had to agree that she had a point. Over the years he’d gotten better at handling his feelings and the emotions that came with them. He’d gone from flat out denying that he was even capable of caring to struggling to know what to do with the feelings that kept bubbling up inside of him. Looking back now, kissing her out of the blue like he had was absolutely the wrong thing to do...then.
‘I’m sorry, I guess I just can’t shake that selfish gene of mine. My dad has a lot to answer for.’
‘Jeff, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish every now and again, but own it - don’t blame him for everything. Your mom raised you to be a pretty decent guy without your dad being around. I wouldn’t be friends with you if you weren’t. I told you three years ago, I have good taste...’
He offered a smile which Annie thankfully returned before reaching for his hand.
‘I’m not saying that this is never going to happen. You’re right, there’s always going to be something more than just friends between us, but right now you I think you should let me and the rest of the group just be your friend and help you through this no matter how much that makes you squirm. And maybe once you’re back to your usual self we can pick up where we left off back there.’
He sighed and rubbed him thumb across the back of her hand before letting it go.
‘You’re always right, you know that?’
She shrugged and offered a small smirk.
‘It’s a gift.’
‘Oh, now who’s acting all smug and egotistical huh?’
‘Well, nobody’s perfect I guess.’
He watched as she moved in her chair to get comfortable, readjusting her sunglasses and fussing with her hair in the mirror of her sun visor. She was right that he needed to just spend time getting over the loss of his mother, but he knew that no matter how premature he was to act on his feelings, in time she’d see just how right he to finally put himself out there.
‘I don’t know, you’re pretty perfect to me.’
She turned toward him again, eyes finding his, so much so that he could see the walls she’d built up since their kiss begin to crack a little.
She didn’t say anything as he leaned towards her to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, the tip of her nose and finally her lips for the briefest of seconds. He shook his head as she tried to think of something to say, silently telling her that she needn’t say anything at all.
This time he gently turned the key in the ignition, put the convertible into gear and released the handbrake. The remaining few hours of their trip was spent much in the same way as they had spent the first car journey to Ouray, chatting about nonsense and singing along to the cheesy radio classics.
As Annie started to sing the first few lines of Total Eclipse of the Heart (coincidentally his mother’s favourite song), he leaned his right hand over and threaded his fingers with hers, relieved she didn’t reject him.
For the rest of the journey back to Greendale he held her hand tightly, contemplating just how to convince her (when the time was right of course) that he was ready to let her in all the way, and that he’d never let someone else he loved slip through his fingers.