"she is mine"
Part I:
justin calls me at 4pm. "hey, im on a bus to boston. i want to see you." pay phone cuts out. he calls later at like 11, i had just gotten out of the play. calls me from tom's cell phone. said they were having a party, and that they were going to another party at ken's. this "party" if you will turned into me driving 4 drunker than drunk guys from cambridge to allston, taking directions from tom, who had to yell over justin's yelling about how im the best woman to ever walk this earth, and he wouldnt stop yelling until he made everone in the car say it, but when tom said it, he added in the most beautiful....which was NOT part of the original statement that justin was making them recite. i dont know what that was all about. too bad i was such a bitch to tom, he's actually pretty cute, and nice from what i can tell. he helped me carry justin through the busy streets of boston. at one point, before we got to ken's, the boys had gotten out and started chatting with some bum. im like oh jesus. but they're all buddy buddy, giving him hugs and beers and whatnot. i was scared, i was the only girl, and before the bum realized i was with them, he sees me in my little pink skirt, and goes "hey look at this now" then justin put his arm around me, basically to hold himself up because he was so drunk, and the bum was like "sorry man". then justin pulls me aside and goes "so, i started to write you a letter back, but i figured, i would just tell you in person" and im like "oh god. oh god." and he goes "emily. i am very much in love with you. i have never been certain of anything in my life like i am certain of this. i love you and i want to take care of you." there i am trying not to cry, and trying to hold justin upright. i said nothing, just hugged him. we then left the bum to his new beers, and started walking to ken's new apartment. he lives right off comm. ave. fun little trivia there. ps. these boys, well 2 of the 4 including justin, and some kid i cant rememeber his name, were drinking beers from the bottle as we're walking through the sidewalks. oy. so we stop so tom can get a slice of pizza, i trying to keep justin from falling down. i manage to steal his beer away, and poured it out and threw out the bottle. he was so stumbling drunk. but when tom came out, raving about this pizza, which im not sure, but it might have been from the "get that fucking french fry out of my face/dont patronize me" restaraunt. so, we continue on towards ken's. justin picks me up and starts to try to carry me, keep in mind that he cant even walk by himself, i was walking him, and now he's carrying me? i was wicked scared. i got him to put me down after we almost fell....
Part II:
well, after justin tried to carry me, and almost injured both of us in the process, we continue onto ken's new apartment. we finally arrive, ken greets us, each with the appropriet high-five or a hug, justin got a hug, and so did i. it was nice to see him. he is so damn small. pocket size. anyway. im still all panicky, and stressed at this point. i go sit in the what would be known as the bedroom/living room/ computer room of ken's little loft apartment. quaint. no. small and awkward. yes. tom and the other two boys i dont know were talking to me, asking me why i was so quiet, asking me about school. i told them a little bit about the play, and that sent them off on this HUGE tangent about how there are no black people or gay people in maine....i was having difficulty trying to follow. justin and ken are bonding in the hallway, seeing as how they hadnt even spoken since before justin fled the state. they finally joined us in the living room and justin collapsed all too literally on the futon/bed thing next to me. he's trying to stay awake, saying he doesnt feel well....so i get ken, and ask him for some bread, now little vegan ken, he goes "bread? i have bread! its all whole wheat or rye or pumpernicle..." im like, "what ever is closest" so i take the whole wheat slice of bread back to justin and im trying to get him to eat it. he gets himself wrapped around me and just kept apologizig. he hadnt had a drink in 3 months, then, on an empty stomach, decides to chug a lot of hard liquor and then too many beers, all before i had even gotten to them. so needless to say, he was fucked up. he eats most of the slice of bread, trying to hide the rest of it from ken and i by putting it under the bed. lovely. then it was like 3am or so, and im like "i have got to get out of this place" so i tell the boys to take care of justin, and that i was leaving. i told justin i was leaving. he looks at me, and says "i gotta get out of here. now" and books it stumbling through the hallway, down the 3 flights of stairs, and im trying to keep up with him. he makes it outside, just in time to throw up all over the sidewalk. all liquids. he sits on the step with his head in his lap crying about how much he didnt want me to see him like this, how he meant what he said when he said he loved me. and how sorry he was for doing this to me. i sit next to him, rub his back and im silent for a little while, until, before i realized it...i said "i love you too justin". he hugs me, then starts to cough like he is going to throw up again. so i call tom who is upstairs to bring me a cup of water. he does, and he helps me get justin to drink it. tom returns inside and i walk justin to the door. im crying by this point. i get the door open for justin and he pulls me inside. and kisses me. i was a little disturbed by the fact that he had just vomited, but i didnt care. he kissed me and kept saying how sorry he was. he told me he loves me so much... i was next to sobbing. he kisses me again. says he would do anything for me and that he wanted to take care of me. i hug him, he kisses my head. he says to me "emily. i will love you until the day i die. i love you" i push him away, through my tears, tell him to go back upstairs, and i run. i run through the city, in my little skirt, freaking out, tryied calling a bunch of people, cause at that point i just wanted to be on the phone with someone, because i was getting heckled by nasty men. i get to my car finally and drive home. as i pull into the parking lot here at school my phone rings. its justin. apologizing more and thanking me for being wonderful. tells me he would call me that afternoon about the play....that he loves me.........
Part III:
so the day of the final performance. i was to call grant. i had talked to him earlier the previous evening. he said he wanted to see me and really wanted to come to the play. he told me to call him. i asked him if he would answer his phone, if he promised he would. he promised. meanwhile, im out with ali, nadege and jenna buying the director's gift and whatnot. i call him. no answer. i call and call and call. nothing. i leave a series of messeges, each getting nastier than the last. no response. nothing. however, justin called me twice. justin said he would come to the play, that there would be no way he would miss it, i gave him directions from the T and went on about the business of buying these gifts. we had to be at the theater at 5 so we could take cast pictures. we left the mall at 4:45, so we had NO time to waste doing such superfluous things like, ya know, eating a damn thing. i had nothing to eat at all. we got to the theater, and hardly anyone was there. we were pissed cause we rushed ourselves like mad ladies, not to mention paid all of the 80 dollars ourselves mostly between ali and i...i paid $33 so we were hungry and cranky and flustered. we couldnt leave once we got to the theater, just in case people showed up, so we were stuck there for an hour waiting for everyone. in this time, i had started to feel really sick. my body doesnt do well with low blood sugar, i kinda just fall apart. so we were outside smoking, and i sit down cause i got wicked dizzy and thought i was gonna puke. ali and jenna ran inside to find me something... anything.... and molly just held me....and i cried. i cried because once again grant blew me off, and i knew it was the end of that. i cried because of what justin said to me the night before, i cried because i realized that i meant it when i said i loved him too....its all very overwhelming. i really do love him....so then molly took me inside, ali found me a yogurt and jenna found juice. i love my friends up here. we really take care of each other. they are wonderful women. so i eat and i drink and i start to feel a little better, but im still depressed. we take a few cast photos once everyone showed up, and we got ready for the show. when we went out onto the stage, i noticed that there were about 7 people in the audience. obviously, no grant. but what made me really sad, was that there was no justin. we began the performance for our tiny audience, and just as we were getting going in the first scene....justin arrives. it was like all the bad stuff earlier that day just evaporated. i was so happy, and it showed. after the performance, i found justin upstairs and i just wrapped my arms around him and we held each other for like a good ten minutes. he came back to the dorms with us and watched the game. while me and the girls and ali's boyfriend were screaming and cussing at the TV, justin goes "that guy, that mark bellhorn, i like him. you can tell he has overcome a lot in his life, look at his eyes, he has a story....and a cool last name." and i just smile and think to myself "i have my justin back". later that night, molly and i were out for a cig break. she goes to me "i saw you with ryan, and you were one way. i saw you with grant and you were another way. but i see you with justin, and you're yourself. you're emily. you seem happy". that just stuck out to me. ya know? so after watching the sox take game one of the world series, justin and i head up to my room....we cuddle and kiss and passion ensues...hehe...we kiss and exchange "i love you"s and i stopped look him in the eye and say "oh my god. this is it. this is the real thing" and he goes "lets hope so, cause i've never been this happy" and we cuddle all night, talking about marriage and kids and how it would be to be a wife of a navy CTI. yikes. the next day, sunday, we woke up at like 12:30, went to lunch, came back to the dorm, laid in my bed and talked more. he told me all these options he had with the navy if in fact he decided to do it. i asked him what was stopping him, thinking it would be merely the legal matters...but he goes "honestly?" and i say "yes. honestly." and he goes "well honestly. the only thing that is stopping me....is you.....i want to be with you" i told him not to let me interfere with him reaching his goals, he said that joining the navy was never really one of his goals, but an option that he had. and i told him, that may be, but seeing the world and living comfortably is a goal that i know he has. and he looks me in the eye and says "what good is seeing the world if you dont see it with the person you love?" and again come my tears...we went and watched the red sox own game two, and he bought molly and he and i pizza and cinna-sticks from dominos. yum. the sox won, and he and i return to my room for some more passion....heavy breaths and i love yous...i think im going to title a song that. i like it. anyways. then we watched "moulin rouge" and ya know how there is the line "she is mine" well, justin rolled me over to face him, kissed me, and said that line. "she is mine". and i look at him and nod, yes. we stayed up late talking again, about the military, more about our future..and i asked him to tell me a fantasy of his. he said he didnt want to tell me cause he didnt want to ruin the suprises. i finally got him to crack and tell me one. he tells me "we spend the afternoon on a small boat of the coast of venice, come back to shore where i give you the necklace i bought for you for our anniversary. we take in a beautiful opera. we go to our hotel where the dinner i made you is waiting on the balcony which has the most incredible view you could ever imagine. we go to bed and we realize that no one in the world could be happier than us." that was his fantasy. well, he said that it wasnt a fantasy, that it was a plan. cause fantasies dont happen, but plans do. we fell asleep in each others arms. i woke up with a dead arm, but i didnt care. i was happy. i am happy. for real. i am happy. we got up at like noon and i took him back to Tom's where he is staying. he is going to look for jobs and apartments today, and he should be calling me anytime now...
i think im in love.....
help?