-CrackinG-FlamE-
I have a sudden need to write in my journal... once again i've found myself in a rather poetic state of mind.. this one being from frustration... if only the ppl of the world truely understood wat it means to have tourettes... i wouldnt get such comments as i do.. oh no u dont have tourettes thats when ppl shout out swear words... and i find myself watchign my friends mocking those whom have tourettes makgin jokes about it.. as if they completely forgot i have it... i have found myself in a state of mind... as those i am trapped inside a rather small empty room with no windows or doors and being unable to distiguish the ceilgin and floor from the walls... having a nervous break down punching the very limited things i have... screamign so loud that if becomes silent... balling and throwign a fit... this seems to be the feelgin i get when i am angery which has actually only happened 3 times in my life.. and now i am managing to retain it quite well.. it seems as though i am angery yet i am not... at least not that i am aware of... maybe im so frustrated i have become angery... ive found myself in the state of mind i only ever get in when i fall into a depression.. only im not depressed.. unless im so depressed my mind itself is completely oblivious to it... all i want to do is lock myself in ym room and become a hermit statying away from the world.. which seems to be something i may have to do.. considering i found out i had a project due earlier today which i was completely unaware of the project itself... i need to re sort out my priorities and get on top of things i need to do.. i strangly seem to be more aware of my faults latly then i have been... i now actually realize im controling... and am not as much as i was before... at least as far am i am aware of.. i still find myself in positions where i am controling but i get mad at myself and stop so at least its a start.... something hit me the other day... which people used to say to me all the time... only i havent heard it in a while so it came as a huge shock... those of you who know me know wat i am tlakign about when i say "im emotionless" or "show no signs of emotion" i really have no heard anythgin along those lines in a logn time.. i guess i have been so used to the fact that those i am aroudn have been around me so often they know the little signs of how my emotions are... and those who are not... treat me as if im contantly pissed or upset... when i really am rarely pissed or upset.. except for maybe now lol... i dotn kwno i guess it came as a huge shock when i heard that again.. when u hear someone say u have no emotions... its well harsh? as if they r tellgin me in a robot... because i knwo i have emotions if i fracute my hand from beign angery and cry myself to sleep... ive noticed when one thing crashes down in your life everythign else seems to come crashign down.. only because the little things seem to be so much more dramatic when they rnt the only things hurting you... the last 2-3 months of my life i feel as though i have been breakign apart... i thought everything was better and i was good to say im out of that "hole" everyone loves to claim they r in... but i guess i was wrong... it seems i have only sunk farther in... oi hope i am safe to say i have matured because i know i am not lettign my depression run my life as i so stupidly used to in the past... yet it is still there in my life... and as a wise friend once told me "ashley, you let you mind live in an unhealthy state of bliss, it is one thing to be optimistic but dont lie to yourself..." i tend to repress my problems.. or well push them aside or throw them away? hm... i cant quite explain.. i dotn work threew things i just start over? hm... i seem to have issues explaining my thoughts... i knwo i cant say no one knows how i am feeling.. but i can say... you may not react to situations as i do... preceive them as i do... let alot have the same limits and tolerance as i do... so on those terms... you do not know how i feel... i really dont mean to make this extremly long but my mind is as those its being electricuted... for once in my life i truely do not know wat to do.. i always have some idea but not i am oblivious.... i really have no idea how i manage to get myself into the positions i get into... i need to think before i act... or not think as much... i hate the situations you get into which force u to make selfish decisions... the world is a fucked up place... i truely do not think this is wat god intended his kingdom to be... humans are disgusting.. i truely loath my race... i wish i was a fly.. or something that lived a very short time.. something oblivious to the insane thoughts and feelgin we as humans have.. having a short life you have no worries.. you truely appreiciate ever second you can.. unless you r incapable of appreication... i think maybe i shdoul sto pwrtign in this... my head is so fucked up i think i could go on for days jsut typign about the nonsense thoughts that go threw my head... ill write again later... cya [muah]