[ i'm pretty sure that i'm lost again ]
so yeaaaaah.
not a good day i guess.
last night i was thinking really long and hard about my choice.
being with graham or not.
and i chose not to be because i'm still in love with sean.
the first time i ever saw him i knew he was so amazing. i knew that was it. he was the guy i wanted for the rest of my life. and you guys are probably thinking i'm a crazy psychopath but i honestly mean it. i do believe in love at first sight. i was never sure before but now i am. fuck anyone else i've ever been with, if i ever thought it was love. me with jamie was just me under his control. i think he's the only other guy i've ever told people i've loved. that was just a fuck up.
i mean, graham wanted to be with me on my birthday, but i refused because i knew i wasn't ready. and for some reason i thought i was ready after that so i told him on the 14th that i was ready and wanted to be with him. man like, the time i spent with him was amazing, he's so sweet, and kind, nice, everything you could ever want in a boy.
my problem was i was/am still in love with sean. i will say it again. I AM IN LOVE WITH SEAN. like, no matter how hard i try, i think i'll be okay, but i'm not. at least i'm not right now, and i haven't been okay for the past 3 years (going on 4) without him.
we were so close. i miss it. i miss him.
breaking up with graham, well, the reason why that relationship went wrong was because of me.
but then again, what ISN'T because of me? everything is because of me. sean said things were my fault. whatever i don't know i'm not going to deny that some was probably my fault.. but just to hear over and over again from boys that i'm the reason we failed.. it doesn't make me feel good.
even if sean and i don't get back together.. i think i did the right thing for graham. i mean, i'd rather know the truth than be lied to. man. i don't even know. whatever.
i obviously didn't really break up for graham FOR sean. i mean, i did, i'd give anything to be with sean again, but i mean.. it's not like this was planned. it's not like i've gone to sean and been like, "oh yeah i want you so i'm gonna dump graham then WE can be together." DON'T THINK THAT. i haven't even spoken to sean. and i promise myself that i won't. sean knows how i really feel. he's the only one that has my heart, and until i'm over that, i guess i can't move on. unless someone better comes along and i fall deeply madly in love with them.
only time will tell.
for now i'll sit here and crumble;
not a good day i guess.
last night i was thinking really long and hard about my choice.
being with graham or not.
and i chose not to be because i'm still in love with sean.
the first time i ever saw him i knew he was so amazing. i knew that was it. he was the guy i wanted for the rest of my life. and you guys are probably thinking i'm a crazy psychopath but i honestly mean it. i do believe in love at first sight. i was never sure before but now i am. fuck anyone else i've ever been with, if i ever thought it was love. me with jamie was just me under his control. i think he's the only other guy i've ever told people i've loved. that was just a fuck up.
i mean, graham wanted to be with me on my birthday, but i refused because i knew i wasn't ready. and for some reason i thought i was ready after that so i told him on the 14th that i was ready and wanted to be with him. man like, the time i spent with him was amazing, he's so sweet, and kind, nice, everything you could ever want in a boy.
my problem was i was/am still in love with sean. i will say it again. I AM IN LOVE WITH SEAN. like, no matter how hard i try, i think i'll be okay, but i'm not. at least i'm not right now, and i haven't been okay for the past 3 years (going on 4) without him.
we were so close. i miss it. i miss him.
breaking up with graham, well, the reason why that relationship went wrong was because of me.
but then again, what ISN'T because of me? everything is because of me. sean said things were my fault. whatever i don't know i'm not going to deny that some was probably my fault.. but just to hear over and over again from boys that i'm the reason we failed.. it doesn't make me feel good.
even if sean and i don't get back together.. i think i did the right thing for graham. i mean, i'd rather know the truth than be lied to. man. i don't even know. whatever.
i obviously didn't really break up for graham FOR sean. i mean, i did, i'd give anything to be with sean again, but i mean.. it's not like this was planned. it's not like i've gone to sean and been like, "oh yeah i want you so i'm gonna dump graham then WE can be together." DON'T THINK THAT. i haven't even spoken to sean. and i promise myself that i won't. sean knows how i really feel. he's the only one that has my heart, and until i'm over that, i guess i can't move on. unless someone better comes along and i fall deeply madly in love with them.
only time will tell.
for now i'll sit here and crumble;