A Reflection on Self-Esteem
In my life, I've had a lot of struggles with self-esteem. Those struggles usually involved some kind of need to feel important or valid in a situation where I was neither of those things... or so I thought. When I was in school, the emphasis was on popularity and what usually made someone popular. I wasn't rich, I didn't have a lot of cool stuff or clothes. I wasn't pretty, or at least wasn't pretty based on what the other kids thought of as pretty. Those things seemed to cancel my hopes of feeling valid in that society. What I didn't understand was that there were things about me those other kids didn't have. I was an artist, or at least a budding one. I was a talented musician. I wasn't too bad with academics either. What I lacked in some things, I made up in others. Over time, I came to view myself as valid for who I was, not invalid for who I wasn't.
Even today, I fall into slumps where I feel like I'm not much use to anyone. I take a look around, get some perspective, and see things aren't as bad as I think. Looking back, I realize though I didn't see it at the time, people thought me very important. I wanted to be treated like the popular kids and when I didn't get what I wanted (or at least what I thought I wanted) I felt downtrodden. As it turns out, we can't pick and choose how people view us. Oftentimes, we see ourselves in a harsher light. I saw an awkward, chubby, girl; they saw a talented individual who was also a great listener and friend. As I struggled to gain the validation I thought would ease the pain in my self-esteem, I was ignoring the balm of truth at arm's length. I was trying to fill a round hole with a square peg.
I suppose this is what I need to remember when I find myself utterly befuddled by others. The reasons for behaviors and beliefs are seldom clear. Though on occasion, words may be only words, more often than not, they're the proverbial tip of the iceberg. A behavior may not always be what it seems, it could be a very practiced defense mechanism for a tender and wounded soul. I know not everyone can heal quickly and some never heal at all. Over the years I've found a way to wrestle emotion and logic into a convivial relationship, though it hasn't been easy. As I said, I still have my problems, but I recognize what they are and why I have them. I can only hope everyone can find ways to cope because everyone has things that make them special. Those things may not be what we think we want, but they're what God gave us.
Even today, I fall into slumps where I feel like I'm not much use to anyone. I take a look around, get some perspective, and see things aren't as bad as I think. Looking back, I realize though I didn't see it at the time, people thought me very important. I wanted to be treated like the popular kids and when I didn't get what I wanted (or at least what I thought I wanted) I felt downtrodden. As it turns out, we can't pick and choose how people view us. Oftentimes, we see ourselves in a harsher light. I saw an awkward, chubby, girl; they saw a talented individual who was also a great listener and friend. As I struggled to gain the validation I thought would ease the pain in my self-esteem, I was ignoring the balm of truth at arm's length. I was trying to fill a round hole with a square peg.
I suppose this is what I need to remember when I find myself utterly befuddled by others. The reasons for behaviors and beliefs are seldom clear. Though on occasion, words may be only words, more often than not, they're the proverbial tip of the iceberg. A behavior may not always be what it seems, it could be a very practiced defense mechanism for a tender and wounded soul. I know not everyone can heal quickly and some never heal at all. Over the years I've found a way to wrestle emotion and logic into a convivial relationship, though it hasn't been easy. As I said, I still have my problems, but I recognize what they are and why I have them. I can only hope everyone can find ways to cope because everyone has things that make them special. Those things may not be what we think we want, but they're what God gave us.