yeah
i can't stop thinking about lauren lately.. i can't post things on facebook cuz then my mom thikns i'm depressed again, freaks out and makes me explain my whole life.. i can't even post song lyrics or anything imaginative or creative or twisted because she doesn't get it.. i can only update with true event status' like, today i stubbed my toe, or i love my life.., or work sucks..
i can't be enclosed in bathrooms.. i start to just panic in my head.. like when i get out of the shower as soon as i'm decent i open the door.. even a crack helps.. if i'm only peeing i don't care who's upstairs i don't shut the door all the way, brushing my teeth or something i don't even start to shut the door.. i don't like it in there anymore.. i can't see certain cars.. i can't hear songs.. i can't imagine how she got that far.. i've been to the thought process of wanting to give up but never when it came down to it would i have been able to make a lifelong decision for others.. i want to get married one day.. i want kids and a fun backyard with fourwheelers and doggys and my cat and family rituals.. she was always the one who used to cheer me up.. what sent her so far.. wouldn't she want a future too.. everything gets better..
god it makes me sick.. i got to a chapter in my book about the main character being stuck in a morphine withdrawal hallucination, except it was way worse than any other normal person's withdrawal.. this book had some fiction to it which felt real to the main character so in his withdrawal he woke in a coffin with a presence next to him and well i'm the only one who reads this so its my way to vent so i'm not going to explain the entire thing to myself but he was put through hell.. his hell.. all the stories throughout the novel that his lover told him came real while in his hallucinogenic withdrawal and he was for the timespan of three real days in his own hell.. his hell resembled Dante's Inferno because that was a big issue in the book (his lover would read to him while he was in the burn unit) but when he got to the forest where the people who commit suicide are stuck for an eternity i could help but start bawling.. i don't believe that shit.. like Tommy fucking always tried to say.. fuck you.. i believe in a sort of religion because believing there is a god and believing someone is watching over me and my family and friends are there looking over me and loved ones helps me feel comfort and i do believe there is someone else in this world who has blessed me with such a good life but i do not believe god would let her be stuck there hurting for an eternity.. she made a mistake.. i know she would take it back if we could all have talked to her.. just distracted her by saying "hey lets go play your Seinfeld game and i'll get you some french fries and ketchup"
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK i can't do this anymore for today..
happy thoughts.. i miss my boyfriend.. half an hour.. <3
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SING AGAIN.. AS LOUD AS I WANT.. I FEEL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SING AS LOUD AS I WANT.. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST EVER LEAVE FOR LIKE EVEN AT HOUR.. i think this is why i was so excited to go to gregs gigs cuz i know i'll end up singing.. singing is my therapy.. i need it
i can't be enclosed in bathrooms.. i start to just panic in my head.. like when i get out of the shower as soon as i'm decent i open the door.. even a crack helps.. if i'm only peeing i don't care who's upstairs i don't shut the door all the way, brushing my teeth or something i don't even start to shut the door.. i don't like it in there anymore.. i can't see certain cars.. i can't hear songs.. i can't imagine how she got that far.. i've been to the thought process of wanting to give up but never when it came down to it would i have been able to make a lifelong decision for others.. i want to get married one day.. i want kids and a fun backyard with fourwheelers and doggys and my cat and family rituals.. she was always the one who used to cheer me up.. what sent her so far.. wouldn't she want a future too.. everything gets better..
god it makes me sick.. i got to a chapter in my book about the main character being stuck in a morphine withdrawal hallucination, except it was way worse than any other normal person's withdrawal.. this book had some fiction to it which felt real to the main character so in his withdrawal he woke in a coffin with a presence next to him and well i'm the only one who reads this so its my way to vent so i'm not going to explain the entire thing to myself but he was put through hell.. his hell.. all the stories throughout the novel that his lover told him came real while in his hallucinogenic withdrawal and he was for the timespan of three real days in his own hell.. his hell resembled Dante's Inferno because that was a big issue in the book (his lover would read to him while he was in the burn unit) but when he got to the forest where the people who commit suicide are stuck for an eternity i could help but start bawling.. i don't believe that shit.. like Tommy fucking always tried to say.. fuck you.. i believe in a sort of religion because believing there is a god and believing someone is watching over me and my family and friends are there looking over me and loved ones helps me feel comfort and i do believe there is someone else in this world who has blessed me with such a good life but i do not believe god would let her be stuck there hurting for an eternity.. she made a mistake.. i know she would take it back if we could all have talked to her.. just distracted her by saying "hey lets go play your Seinfeld game and i'll get you some french fries and ketchup"
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK i can't do this anymore for today..
happy thoughts.. i miss my boyfriend.. half an hour.. <3
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SING AGAIN.. AS LOUD AS I WANT.. I FEEL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SING AS LOUD AS I WANT.. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST EVER LEAVE FOR LIKE EVEN AT HOUR.. i think this is why i was so excited to go to gregs gigs cuz i know i'll end up singing.. singing is my therapy.. i need it