(no subject)

[x3hillyx3]

I hate everything. I hate him. I hate myself. Most of all I HATE not being understood. I hate not knowing who I am. I hate trying so fucking hard to be someone, to be something, to pretend to act to fake it that I get lost and unsure and so fucking vulnerable. I hate not knowing why I hate everything. Why why why why why do I feel so angry and upset and why do I think I deserve so much when in reality I don't deserve fucking shit. I expect so much out of people and really no one is as fucked up and overanalytical and psychotic as I am. It's more than that. I'm crazy. I'm a fucking lunatic. I hate myself so much. That's why I cry. Not because I hurt, but because I hate more than anything else in this world the person I am. When did this happen? When did I turn into this beast? Surely it happened overnight. I have no recollection of ever being comfortable in my own skin, happy with what I have, brave or loyal or compatible or notawkward or fucking SANE. I don't want to die, I want to be alive, so alive. I just want to start over, start everything over because everything fucking sucks and all the webs of everyone I know are all tangled and it's unfixable and it's a fucking wreck, I'm a fucking wreck and I have no idea why. I just know I want to be real so I can feel real emotions instead of faking them. I want no expectations. I don't want to be stupid or naive or vulnerable. I hate this person that I am, I want reinvention. I really, honest to God cannot live in the body of this monster for another day. I think I will explode. I'm so sick of not being. I'm tense and anxious and petrified of just being. I just make myself upset and then tehre's just this numbness that takes over and soon I wake up and I don't even remember why I'm crying anymore because I'm crying just for the sake of crying, of feeling something, of releasing all my frustration of NO ONE understanding. Everything's so fucking complicated, but I made it that way. I want to stare out my window into the night, smell the summer air and feel the rain on my face and just be. Don't think. No thoughts at all. Just fucking be there and not have to say a word or fulfill a need or pretend to be anything other than a human being. I want to just be, and have that be enough.

This ends now. Shedding this slimy skin. Dead skin.