Inviz Blend.
Title: Joel’s Epic Senior Year
Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has A Crush.
I killed your cat you druggie bitch! I thought it’d bring closure to our RELATIONSHIP!
I smile to myself, holding my head up while I read over the quote from his Facebook profile. Boondock Saints, not too bad. Going through it though, is just depressing me, easily reminding me of why I could never be with a guy like him. His page is full of stuff from his friends and his “Wall” if chock full of inside jokes and comments from girls fawning over him and telling him how amazing he is. On his page it says he’s bisexual and his current status is: “Benji is having an affair with guitar hero.” The picture he made default is of him and his freshman sister, both decked out with black eyeliner, scowling at the camera. Sarah has the whole emo-vibe going for her while Benji is a self-proclaimed punk successfully “Rockin’ in the Twenty-first century.” I don’t know if I think punk really exists here in Waldorf, but I’ll tell you what. He could make me believe it.
He goes to my school, though he’d never know me. I’m a couple classes with him and I doubt he even knows my name. Well actually, come to think of it, he may know my name, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to acknowledge that. I’m pretty much hated by everyone. Hence why I don’t have a chance with him. But he so hot!
I close my laptop and place it on the floor next to my bed, then proceed to flop down and cuddle into the sheets around me. I honestly have no life and sure. Yeah. Maybe I’m a little obsessed with Benjamin Madden but can you blame me? But he has to be untouchable by god even. He’s only ever dated one chick for as long as he’s gone to our school. Her name is Samara and when her and Benji aren’t going out, she’s still the only person I think he’s hooked up with from school. What sucks even more is that Samara used to be my best friend before Benji started goin’ all smitten on her ass. She dropped me like a wet roll of toilet paper, got a makeover and became Benji’s one and only. Well, one and only as far as who goes to our school.
Still, I’m not jealous. Really, I’m not. I remember one time I saw them at the movies together and they were making out. I don’t go out to the movies anymore. I remember when I found out Benji was bisexual. And no, it wasn’t from checking his Facebook profile obsessively. He was on a date with some out-of-towner at my dad’s little restaurant on the corner of Maybell Street. I sometimes hang out there and chat with the customers at the bar, because lets face it. I, Joel Combs, have no life. Anyhow, Benji was there with this guy for hours until it was just the usual bar regulars and them. I watched them out of the corner of my eye as the out-of-town kid picked up his cell phone.
“My mom just texted me, she says she’s here,” the kid explained. Benji smiled at him and leaned across the table to give this guy a kiss. I stood there transfixed, my eyes locked of them. The kid left and Benji paid for the meal before leaving himself unable to stop smiling. I swear he nodded at me before he exited but then again, that was probably my hyper-active imagination. It has an issue with making me see things that aren’t really there.
Like me and Benji having a chance. Heh. Yeah right.
I hate going on MySpace. I was never a fan of it, probably because I don’t really have that many real friends. So I took to whoring myself. You know… Putting your friend ID on those “Add trains?” Yeah, I’m a fucking loser. What else is new? So that’s another thing. Whenever I go on MySpace I feel so fake and pathetic. I always have people commenting my photos, girls and guys telling me how hot I am. Yeah that’s flattering, but that’s not me. It’s cool, sure… but it’s not what I want people thinking of me. Like there’s a couple pictures I have that my older brother took of me in the woods in our backyard. Josh wants to be a photographer. He’s really good; he seriously has a really good shot of doing something with his life.
So anyway, he takes pictures of me sometimes because he says that I really am a great model… The pictures he takes of me making quirky faces and leaning against trees or laying the grass. There’s this one picture Josh took of me at the beach when we were watching the sunset. I was perched on a rock, my mind spans of life away from my head allowing Josh to easily sneak a shot of me. He didn’t show me the picture till a couple of months later. He said he used it in one of his photography classes. He likes to say that I got him the A. I argue that he took the picture, but he’ll just say that I’m the best model he’ll ever have.
So anyways, again, when I put these pictures on the Internet all these creepy pervy guys start hitting on me and I’m just like ‘gross’ ‘no’ ‘leave me alone.’ What good does that do? I’m pretty sure I’m just going to delete my MySpace profile all together. It’s just disturbing and god forbid I actually do start getting friends in school that add me.
Oh what am I kidding, let me rephrase that.
God forbid Benji ever decides that he wants to add me or something, it’d be totally embarrassing for him to see those pics. Speaking of it now, I should probably make my profile friends only or whatever they call it on MySpace.
“Joel, do you have any clue what’s going on in class right now?” Ms. Tabor asks me with a hint of evil pleasure on her face. She enjoys making a mockery of me.
“Nope,” I reply with a truthful shrug. Damn my brain for always putting me such random rants.
“ISS,” is all that she demands. I can do that. I gather my things and walk out of the classroom, but not before I steal once last glance at Benji.
So. ISS. The itty-bitty, teensy-weensy box room located near the main office pretty much at the center of our school. Pretty cool, huh? No music. No laying your head down. No talking. No chewing gum. No eating unless you’re in lunch detention. No using the bathrooms in the hallways. No writing notes. No asking for writing utensils. Would you believe me if I said the list goes on. I take a seat in the back which faces the ISS teacher, Ms. Rogers, and the doorway. There are three kids already in here when I arrive, the students who have decided to take a permanent residence in the hellfire room. Sam Dawson, Richard Cardoza, I know are some of those kids who usual get sent down pretty much in the same second that they walk in. Ms. Rogers smiles at me briefly telling me to sign in.
“Weren’t paying attention?” she asks asked with a quirked eyebrow. I nod accordingly.
So now I’m sifting through papers being my lazy self, reading this, doodling on that. Anything to not get yelled at and/or in more trouble. Ms. Tabor is just out to get me, I swear to god. I find a random blank piece of paper and start writing on it. Just random words, maybe a poem, maybe lyrics. Who knows? I draw little pictures next to the words, a couple stars here. A giant moon…yeah. Wow. Two minutes in and I’m already bored out of my mind.
But then, it’s like god is answering my prayers. He must be taking pity on the fact that Ms. Tabor is evil and I have to deal with her because just as I look up, I watch Benji walking into the ISS room a blank expression on his face. His eyes meet mine when he walks in here, and I quickly look down blushing. Great Joel, now you look like a fucking retard GAWKING at the fellow. I wish I didn’t suck so much.
“What are you in here for Ben?” Ms. Rogers asks.
“I don’t know. Arguing?” he answers.
“What were you arguing about?” Ms. Rogers questions and I can’t believe what a loser I am putting all my senses to the test just so I can ease drop.
“I asked Ms. Tabor how the writers in the health book figured out the effects of illegal drugs without doing them, considering that would be illegal…” Benji explains. Ms. Rogers just laughs and puts the clipboard in front of him so he can sign in.
“Enough said, go take a seat,” she urges him once he’s done and honestly, God is definitely taking pity on me right now because Benji takes the seat right next to mine. I try not to visibly tense up at how outta wack my nerves feel at this moment. I think I’m shaking. There’s a good possibility I am certainly shaking.
I can feel Benji’s eyes on my profile, but I put all my energy into acting like I don’t notice. Nopers. Not me. Really. Don’t notice at all…
Okay so it’s driving me fucking insane.
Finally he looks away and rips out a piece of paper from his notebook. Seconds later, the folded sheet is being placed in front of my vision by Benji Madden himself. I unfold it and read it over.
this fuckin BLOWS
I chuckle to myself, immediately wondering how I’m going to reply because I don’t want to make a fool of myself. What should I say? Uhhh…
yeah tabors a bitch
I fold the note back over and pass it back to him. Ms. Rogers never looks away from her computers so I figure we’re in the clear. The note winds up back on my desk in another second or two.
you weren’t even doing anything. I think she juss hates anyone that resembles a stoner.
I bite my lip to keep from laughing.
You think I look like a stoner?
Do I look like a stoner? I hand the note to him and watch him as he writes on the paper and then hands it back tome.
Sure Joel, why not? Haven’t you smoked before?
Course I have, does he think I’m a fucking vegetable?
No shit. I live in Waldorf. What do you expect? I write back to him. I hand it to him and this time he has his hand extended out to get it so our fingers brush against each other briefly. I fight the blood that’s rushing to my cheeks as goose bumps break out all over my skin.
Sweet. We gotta chill sometime, Benji writes back. I fight the urge to jump up and down.
Benji asked me if I wanted to hangout with him and his crew sometime. Like… his group of friends. I pretty much know who each of them is, except for a couple from different schools. I can’t believe he actually talked to me. I can’t believe he even knew my name! Of course he knows your name Joel, says the little voice in the back of my head, but I bite through it and ignore the thought.
I flip open my laptop and check my mail. The first thing I see is an Add Request on Myspace and then something from Facebook. I quickly open two tabs for each website and type in there URL’s followed by my email and passwords. Facebook’s loads first and this time I don’t hold back the squeal of excitement I get seeing that Benji’s added me to his friends and sent me a request for confirmation that we met in elementary school. Oh my god! He actually remembers me from back then? I shake my head and stare blankly at the screen. Next thing, I go check Myspace and surely enough he’s added me on there too. Without even thinking I accept, and sit up in disbelief.
Just. Wow.
I flop backwards on my bed thinking about how pathetic I must seem with my little school boy crush. But Benji is just so…
Not being able to hold myself back, I turn the laptop back on and click on Facebook. I go to his photos and look over all of them. I feel foolish and stupid but I can’t help myself. I feel like a teenage girl ogling over… Hilary Duff or Nick Carter? I don’t really know what’s ‘in’ with radio music these days. But I can tell you what I like. I refresh my mail out of habit and see I have a new Picture comment on Myspace. Rolling my eyes, I click over to my Myspace tab and go to my pictures. I scroll down till I see the red letters. It’s under the picture of me with the sunset in the background. I have at least fifty something comments on it. I open the picture up and it goes big before my eyes.
Then my heart stops beating when I see a picture of Benji giving me the middle finger as a display ‘pic.’
I saw this on Facebook. Cool pic. We def. gotta chill. See yuh 2morrow.
I bite my lip and smile.
Weed around Waldorf is like a midday snack. Everyone fuckin’ smokes up like it’s nobody’s business but it really is everyone’s business because we’re all doing it. I have like, 8 buddies that’ll smoke me up or I can buy shit from. They know the rumors about me, but I pay them so they see passed it. And if they don’t, they’re good at hiding it. Seniors in my school will just go out into the parking lots, drive down the road to this abandoned church and smoke up there. Underclassmen will run to the apple orchard off the back of the school and smoke. After school there’s always a mass of kids crossing the street for there afternoon cigarette. The administration cares… they just don’t care enough. You see, our school excels in sports phenomenally. If we get busted for drugs, then students get kicked off teams and we might start sucking. Anybody with a varsity letter on their jacket probably is carrying a dime bag in their back pocket. So we don’t get busted, they get they’re yearly plaques that say how wonderful La Plata is and everyone’s happy.
“Hey Joel. You always sit by yourself?” I look up from where I’m sat, yes, alone in the cafeteria. Benji is hovering above me wearing baggy black shorts that look like cut up bondage pants. They have straps hanging off the back anyways. He’s got a Led Zep’ T-shirt on, loads of bracelets, metal ones, plastic ones, threaded ones along with 4 rings, two on each hand adorning his middle and ring fingers. My eyes meet his, which are surrounded in eyeliner and he smiles at me.
“Uhh…” Fuck. What do I say? He’s standing there. All hot and FUCK!
“Well tell you what. My peoples are skipping today and I already fucked up my absences on the verge of losing credit, so what do you say if I want to sit with you?” He doesn’t even wait for an answer, but it’s not like I’d say no.
“By all means,” I gesture to his already sitting body. He smiles brightly at me again and I’m fighting the urge to melt into a puddle. I finish off my piece of pizza and push it to the side, swallowing it down quickly.
“So, have you gotten called down to the APO for that shit with Tabor?” Benji asks obviously trying to start some kind of conversation.
“Ha. No, not yet. Why… have you?” Okay, that wasn’t too bad. You can do this. It’s just small talk; he’s getting to know me. Be normal.
“No, but I got a slip to go down at 1:45,” Benji digs into his pocket and pulls out a blue piece of paper which we both know means trouble.
“Well then I bet I’ll be getting one soon,” I sigh.
“Probably. I hate that fucking class,” Benji shakes his head.
“I hate Tabor. The class itself is easy…” Benji nods in agreement.
“Yeah, thank god.”
We go silent for a moment as I look off to the side at some inanimate object, attempting to be really preoccupied by it.
“Hey… I have a question for you,” Benji lays his hand on the table to kind of get my attention. I let my eyes go back to him, but only for a second before I starting gaping at him like I did last time.
“What?”
“Well, I just… this is going to be so random to you, but you used to be Samara’s friend right?” he asks cocking his head to the side. Some of his black hair falls into his face, but he shakes it away.
“Yeah, best of,” I shrug. “Why?” I spit bitterly because just the thought of the betrayal I feel when I think of that girl is enough to make me lash out on anything.
“Just wondering…” Benji replies sounding cautious.
“I’m sorry, it’s just. The way we… how our friend shit got fucked up is a touchy subject for me.” I fight the urge to say, ‘You should know why,’ and this sad feeling pierces through me. I can feel Benji’s eyes on mine so I flash my stare up to meet his gaze briefly before finding interest in the table.
“Was it because of me?”
I keep looking at the table. I can feel a lump growing in my throat and I can feel tears attempting to pool in my eyelids. Oh god. I can’t cry right now. Not in front of Benji. No way.
Shaking my head I stand up abruptly and start walking away. I can feel Benji still watching the back of my head and I’m pretty sure I even hear him call out my name, but I walk all the way down the parking lot, into my car and drive away.
Fuck school. I didn’t even want to come today anyway.
I log onto Facebook and see a million notifications waiting for me and a message in my inbox. I go to my notifications denying all the stupid requests to be a vampire or a zombie. I really don’t feel like being compared to Alicia Sandie, sorry honey, you’re gross disgusting and fat. I’ll pass up on saving the world by joining six different groups, thank you very much. Finally I find myself face to face with this message from, oh you called it. The one and fucking only: Benjamin L. Madden. I click on it and take a couple deep breaths.
Joel, hey. I’m sorry about during lunch. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I just was curious about what kind of person Samara is. She trying to get back with me once again and I always thought what she did to you was kinda shady.
Okay, so the only reason he’s been talking to me is because of Samara, that sucks. I read on.
So why don’t we chill tomorrow after school, I can make up for ruining your lunch today. Cool? Yeah? Hit me back man. -Lateh. Benj
Scratch those thoughts of before. The smile on my face is so big, I’m pretty sure my cheeks are gonna fall off soon.
Without wasting another second I click reply.
Don’t worry about today. 2morrow sounds awesome. See you then, -meh Joel.
I can’t fucking wait.
It’s 2:10. Four more minutes. Come on little red hand. Can’t we just go a little bit faster? I’m not asking for that much. Am I?
Benji came over to me during lunch today for a brief chat. I was sitting in the library; at one of the computers (I know I’m a loser) and he snuck in and sat down next to me.
“Whutcha workin’ on?” he asked attempting to look at the shit on my screen.
“Creative writing… right a 10 page story. It’s due in like… 10 minutes,” I explained.
“What page are you on?” he squinted to get a good look at the little page teller thing.
“Fourteen,” I kinda laughed. He laughed too.
“Well, I just wanted to find you and make sure we’re still on for today. After school?” he raised and eyebrow at me and I’m nearly positive I could hear the hopefulness in his voice.
“Yeah, of course… where are we going?” I furrowed my brow in curiosity.
“Do you have a car?” I nodded. “I’ll meet you there after school. Kay?”
“Oh-kay.”
“Later Joel,” he waved as he stood up and left.
God, his laugh is so pretty and the way his nose crinkles while he smiles and his eyes are so unbelievably beautiful. They’re brown, but this light mocha color. Around his pupils there’s this light ring of green and I don’t know. I could stare at him forever… I would if that wasn’t so lame.
The bell suddenly rings and I don’t recall not watching the clock but oh well. I all but shoot up from my seat like some kind of science-project-gone-all-wrong rocket. I make it to my locker in record time, shove my shit into my backpack and then head to the front of the building so I can leave and get to my car.
But then I see them. Both of them, standing there with there arms wrapped tightly around each other, connected at the lips in some hardcore make out scene for the entire school population to get a good look at. I stop all my actions, seemingly frozen in time.
Samara was the only girl I ever had a crush on, but I always liked Benji Madden. She told me that she was going to help me find out if he liked guys or not. Instead, he falls for her and she hasn’t even said a word to me since then. Well, there’s been so civil word exchanging. When they break apart they look into each other’s eyes. I tear my gaze away from them opting to run out the front lobby doors, willing myself not to cry. Please, don’t let me cry.
I dig into my pocket for the keys to my car, but of course, as soon I get them out, my gum and my wallet some how manage to fly out as well. Groaning outwardly, I turn around quickly and just as my hand reaches for my wallet a hand picks it up and then I find myself face to face with Benji’s shoes. I close my eyes tightly.
God, why must you hate me?
I stand up slowly, forcing a smile as Benji hands my wallet to me.
“Ready to go?” he grins. Say no. Say you feel sick. Say you have to baby-sit. Say you got in trouble. Tell him you’re dog died. You’re moms in the hospital? My brain is fucking screaming at me. But as soon as I look up and my eyes meet his, the smile on my face almost becomes some what genuine.
“Y-yeah. My car is this way,” I inform him turning around and cocking my head in the direction. My longish brown hair flops into my face, probably because it’s all parted to the side. Benji falls in stride next to me as I lead us to the car. I brush my hair using my fingers away from my face just as we get to my car. Benji looks up at me with wide eyes.
“You’re fucking kidding me?”
“What?” I shrug.
“How are you not popular when you have a goddamn car like this? How many people know this is your car. This is your car?” he says the last part a bit more quiet in contrast to the yelling he began with.
“Yes,” I reply promptly.
“What is it, it’s gotta be old?” he questions looked up at me like he can’t believe it.
“67 Chevy Impala,” I tell him. His eyes nearly bulge out of his head as I unlock my door, leaning across the way to get his.
“Who gave this to you?”
“My grandpa passed it down to me. I love it,” I say.
“I love it too,” Benji agrees.
Starting it up, I rev the engine a couple of times, maybe for the effect, but mostly to show off to Benji. He must really like it because his smile is so big it’s nearly kicking me out of my car.
“This is so fuckin’ awesome.” Benji grins directly to me. Who gives a fuck if he was just kissing Samara. He’s looking at me now and he’s in my car, and we’re going to go hang out somewhere.
I think my smile matches his.
We smoked two bowls together. His piece is fucking hilarious. It’s these giant boobs surrounded by this massive red bra. He explained to me the story of how he came to buying it and why it’s named ‘Pamela.’ I figured that side of the story was pretty self explanatory, but I love listening to him talk. We’re just hanging out at the little kid park. My car is parked off in the distance somewhere and we’re walking around smoking some Marlboro 27’s.
“Samara used to talk about you… y’know? She didn’t tell me you had an awesome fuckin’ car.” Benji gets a couple of steps in front of me and sits on the top of a picnic table.
“After she met you, I doubt anything that came out of her mouth worked in my favor,” I say vaguely while sitting next to him.
“She’s not that bad…” Benji looks at me, but I continue staring off into the distance.
“I wouldn’t know,” I shrug. My body feels so grounded, but I love it. The weed totally covers my giddiness when my brain registers that I’m actually hanging out with Benji. The crush of my life. Though I hate the fact that he has to bring up Samara.
“Did she ever do something to you? You seem kind of bitter,” Benji notices the obvious. Heh. I finally look over at him and his eyes heath curiosity while he looks at me. I can feel his essence under my skin.
“You do know we used to be best friends, right?” I ask like I’m accusing him. He furrows his brow.
“I asked her about you after you walked away from me the other day. She said you guys used to talk here and there,” he replies. I can feel my blood boil. I hate getting pissed, it totally ruins my high.
“Yeah, well we used to be tight as hell. Friends since the fourth grade, dated through middle school. High school rolls around, she meets you and who am I again? Just some gay freak she used to talk to.” Shaking my head I spit off to the side trying to not let my anger get the best of me.
“So you really are gay?” Benji decides to ignore the main point to my sentence. The way he says that though, I know he must of heard a rumor or two about me. That doesn’t surprise me though. After the shit Samara said about me, I’m surprise when people don’t know I’m gay.
“Mhm, no pussy for me,” I reply. Benji laughs, nose scrunching up, the whole shuh-bang. He’s too damn cute.
“I’m bisexual myself,” he tells me.
“You make it sound so proper,” I tease. He laughs.
“I didn’t mean to,” he says in a timid voice and for some reason I feel like I have the upper hand.
“Sure, right,” I continue to joke around.
“Well saying I’m ‘bi’ just sounds stupid to me. I mean, think about it like this, you can say you’re gay, which is cool. But if you couldn’t, would you rather be called a homosexual, or a homo?” he argues and I straighten up.
“Valid point,” I nod my head. God, he’s totally fucking gorgeous and he’s smart. Even stoned.
“My mommy didn’t teach me nothing,” he smiles childishly showing off his white teeth.
“She obviously didn’t teach you grammar,” I add and I feel his shoulder shove mine hard so I nearly topple over.
“Hey, that’s mean!” I yell while catching my balance. Benji climbs off the table and starts running away. I push myself to my feet and start chasing after him while he runs into the park’s designated soccer field.
“Come and get me if you think I’m so mean,” Benji calls out to me from the midfield line, probably 100 feet away from where I am.
“Fuck that man!” I reply loudly.
“Fine then, I’m just going to have to come and get you!”
It takes a little while for my brain to process whatever Benji just said, but then he’s charging towards me and my body doesn’t start reacting till he’s maybe 20 feet away, coming at me in a full on sprint.
“Eeek!” I move to the left, dodging him in the last second sprinting to god knows where in some unknown direction waiting for my mind to catch up with my actions. I can hear Benji behind me, his heavy breathing following me. Daringly, I glance back to see Benji reaching out for me with an outstretched hand and before I know it, Benji’s pulled me down to the ground. I land hard with a loud thud, but the giggles that my lips fail to suppress lead me to decide that I’m okay. If I hurt myself I don’t think I’d be laughing, right?
Benji ends up tripping over my fallen body. He lands next to me and the next thing I know, we’re all out wrestling on the ground. He trying to grab my wrists as he straddles me, but I wrench my hands free from him and flip us over. He copies my move as soon as he’s on the bottom so he’s back on top. I fold my arms across my chest and sigh contorting my face into this frustrated pout.
“Aw Joel, you wanna be on top?” Benji baby talks me.
“You wish.” I turn my lips into a smirk and flip us over faster than you can say ‘Jesus’ then I open my mouth letting the words come out in a ridiculously flamboyantly gay accent.
“Bitch please. I’m always on top,” I state with a lisp.
“Oh god.” Benji’s laughing so hard under my weight his whole body starts shaking. I look down at his face and I can’t believe I’m straddling Benji Madden who just 3 days ago I swore didn’t even know I existed. But suddenly that situation where I just saw him kissing Samara floats back into my brain and with my emotions over working themselves by the effects of dope, I’m suddenly climbing off Benji and walking away from him. As soon as he feels my weight disappear, his giggles fall into silence. It takes a couple of seconds after I start walking for him to call out my name. He calls for me twice before I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. I stop walking. My body tenses. I look down at his hand, resting on me and examine the long elegant fingers… the black nail polish smoothed perfectly over each nail.
Whenever I paint my nails they always chip.
Benji walks in front of me and his hand drops down to his side. It takes me a second, but my angry eyes meet his.
“What’d I do wrong?” he questions me, but most of all it sounds like he’s questioning himself. I immediately feel guilty because why should I be mad at him for falling for my ex-best friend. It’s not like he told her to spread nasty rumors about me and tell everyone I’m gay. It’s not his fault I got tormented in every gym class and beaten on for the entirety of both my freshman and sophomore year. It’s not his fault that… yeah. Let’s leave it at that.
I sigh quickly and shake my head. “You did nothing Benj, it’s just. My head is fucked up and I’m stoned and I just. I overreacted to nothing,” I try to explain, but I doubt it makes any sense.
“Are you sure? ‘Cuz I dunno about you Joel. For some reason I just want you to like me,” he sounds small and that feeling of having the upper hand returns tenfold.
“I like you Benji,” I tell him looking straight into his eyes and the words roll off my tongue so fast and so easy it fuckin’ scares the shit out of me. Benji takes a step towards me so he’s totally invading my personal space. God, he’s everything I’d imagine him to be and more. And to see him this close up is just awesome. His eyes are searching mine in this over-the-top, should-be-on-TV, cliché-as-a-daytime-soap-opera moment.
“I like you too, Joel.”
Oh my god. I’m gonna kiss Benji Madden. Benji Madden is gonna kiss me. Oh my god. Fuck!
Benji’s cell phone went off. I ended up with my arms around him, his floating up and latching around my neck, faces mere centimeters apart and his cell phone vibrates and then starts playing the chorus to “Hot Blooded.” We broke apart awkwardly and he answered his phone taking a few steps backwards before walking off.
Now we’re in my car and I’m about to drop him off at Samara’s place which is conveniently located right next to mine. I know, I’m such a lucky boy. We haven’t really said much since our almost kiss. It makes me kind of nervous and worried.
“I didn’t know you lived next to Samara…” he says flatly like he’s just trying to get rid of this silence. I keep my eyes on the road, but shrug.
“Yep…”
“I just… I mean I would have noticed this car, where do you hide it?” he asks sounding genuinely, like I have some huge secret.
“In the garage?” I say slowly so a slight teasing nature can be found somewhere in my voice or in the statement.
“God, I must sound dumb,” he replies quickly after that and I can’t help my laugh. I look over at him and his face is turning red. I pull into my houses driveway figuring he can walk the short distance. No point in pulling into her driveway and then having to pull out, drive ten feet, and park all over again. As the car shuts off, his laughter dies and we fall back into an awkward silence. I end up clearing my throat.
“Well thanks for hanging out with me,” I say immediately regretting not thinking before I open my mouth. I probably sound so fuckin’ stupid.
“You kidding me, you’re awesome Joel. I wish I’d known you longer. I haven’t had that much fun stoned or not in so long,” Benji says looking me right in the eyes. I feel all fidgety all of a sudden. “Honestly, I’m thanking you for hanging out with me. And driving me in your awesome car, and then bringing me to Samara’s.”
“Well there was no point in saying no, I mean she lives right next to my house and-,” I explain quickly.
“Yeah, but you still didn’t have to,” Benji cuts me off. “Stop trying to make excuses. You’re a good person.” I can’t stop looking into his eyes.
“You’re welcome,” I say but it comes out as a whisper.
Suddenly there’s tapping on my window. Benji and I both jump and I turn around to see Samara angrily hitting my window. Before I even have time to think, Benji’s not in my car anymore and he dragging Samara inside. I can hear her yelling while he pulls her away. I look up and see her mouth moving, angry words mixing with a ferocious glare.
I stay where I am suddenly feeling deflated.
“Hey momma,” I sigh walking into the kitchen. I still feel kinda stoned, but the main effects have worn off, now I’m just generally out of it to hell.
“Hey Joel sweetheart, where have you been?” she questions from her spot in the kitchen. She’s got 3 pans on the stove full of whatever’s for dinner. There’s something in the oven and some bread waiting to be cooked in the toaster.
“Just out.” I say at first. “With Benji,” I add after a second and for some reason it comes out confused.
“Benji. The Benji Madden. The boy you never shut up about?” my mom turns her back on her food to come over to me.
“Yep, that’s the Benji,” I tell her feeling proud of myself. She raises her brow at me.
“That’s great, do you think he’s still boy friend material now that you’ve actually hung out?” she asks sounding scandalized. I laugh at her.
“I dunno, mom,” I reply but my mind is already thinking about that almost kiss we shared less then an hour ago...
“Well dinner’s in 10 minutes call down your father and brother,” my mom orders turning back to the food. I suddenly perk up.
“Josh is here?” I question. She turns her face to me and flashes her motherly grin. I smile back widely racing my heart up the stairs to Josh’s room. Low and behold, I open his bedroom door and there he is sitting at his desk on the computer playing around with his camera. At hearing the door open he looks up and sees me and I all but run towards as he stands himself up.
“Joel hey!” he opens his arms to me and gives me a tight hug. I hug him back always missing him whenever he’s gone.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, noticing that I’m out of breath from having run up the stairs at top speed. “How long are you going to be here?”
“I’m gonna be here for the entire week, kiddo,” Josh tells me ruffling my hair like I’m five years old or something. Totally uncool, but he’s Josh, my brother, and he and only he can get away with it.
“Yeah, but you have school.” I let my eyebrows furrow and move away from his hand.
“One of my professors is sick and another one is on vacation and I can afford to miss the rest of my classes, especially to be home for my favorite little brother’s birthday…” Josh says smiling. I blush genuinely so happy that he’s home. I love my older brother to pieces.
“You’re only little brother,” I remind him sheepishly.
“Yeah, but even if I did have another brother for some reason, you’d still be my fave,” Josh smiles shoving me. I’m probably glowing.
“Boys dinner!” Mom calls up, figuring out that I totally forgot to tell him. I actually forgot about dinner myself.
After dinner Josh announces that he’s going out with Eddy, one of his old friends from high school that goes to the community college around here. He invited me and everything, but I know how much of a drag little brothers can be and shit, so I told him to just go. At the moment, I’m cooped up comfortably in my bedroom, sprawled out over my bed and as you may guessed it, my laptop is in front of me. I’m on my stomach, my elbows pressing into my mattress as I click around on Myspace. An instant message on AIM suddenly pops up out of nowhere, surprising me kind of.
megatronRAWR: hey, is it too late to call u?
I stare curiously at the little box. I look at the clock in to corner of my screen, it’s 11:49.
thedeadsaint: um, who is this?
I ask while raising an eyebrow.
megatronRAWR: Oh its Benji. Sry I forgot u dont know my screenname…
My heart leaps into my throat and my stomach flip flops out of control.
thedeadsaint: it’s cool u van vall me.
thedeadsaint: call me***
I mentally curse myself for typing to fast and spelling shit wrong, and I know he probably doesn’t give to shits, but still I do and I feel like I made an idiot of myself. Van vall? It’s a “C” Joel. One fucking key over.
megatronRAWR: Saweet. Wuts ur number?
I tell him my phone number and not but a second later my cell phone is vibrating in my pocket. I dig out the damn thing making a mental note to put bulky things in my back pocket because getting things out of front pockets it too complicating. Finally, I get it out and slide it so it’s open pushing the green answer button thingy with my thumb and putting the phone up to my ear all in one swift motion. I’m just awesome like that.
“Hello?” I talk into the receiver.
“Hey,” comes Benji’s soothing and nearly orgasmic voice ringing in my ear. I smile immediately. “What’s up?” he asks and I swear I can here a smile on his lips when he talks.
I shrug even though he can see it and close my laptop setting it on the floor as it goes on standby. “Absolutely nothing.” I sigh. “You?”
“I just got home from Samara’s house,” he says and all the excitement I was just feeling dissipates within seconds.
“Oh,” is all I can think to say.
“I just. I just wanted to apologize for her banging on your window,” Benji tells me. I half smile at the gesture.
“It’s cool, don’t worry about it,” I dismiss the matter, but he doesn’t seem able to let go that quick.
“No it wasn’t, it was fucking lame and she wouldn’t stop talking shit about you all night,” he says and it sounds like he’s getting worked up.
“Benj, it's fine,” I speak quietly kinda dejected because hearing that someone was talking behind your back always hurts. Especially when the said person was once your best friend. I start feeling really annoyed, not exactly at him, but more at the situation. He’s probably gonna hate me now, with all the shit she said.
“Y’know, I don’t understand why people say so much shit about you. I don’t get why you’re not one of the most popular kids in this town. You know you should be-”
“Don’t make me your damn charity case,” I cut him off fearful of where his little drabble was threatening to go. I feel like he’s ripping me apart and I don’t think he means to, but he really has gotta stop.
“No Joel, it’s not like that,” he says sounding helpless. I squint my eyes, contorting my face.
“What are you even getting at man? Some people just aren’t meant to be popular,” I say, the last bit coming out as more of a mumble.
“Yeah well I don’t think you’re one of them,” Benji says without a second’s pause. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.
“I… I like you Joel. I can’t get over it.”
I think I just lost my voice.
To Be Continued...
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Author: Um. Me. x-tired-crazy-x
Summary: AU (not related. SRY) Joel crushes on Benji… in epic proportions. The story takes place during their senior year of high school. I know… I’m so creative. Anyways, the whole world is… Wait, no, better than that, the entire universe is working against him. Can they even manage to get together or will evil scheming bitches keep them apart? Who knows? You gotta read it. It’s like a mystery.
Disclaimer: Not real. Never happened. Kind of impossible.
Last Minute Notes: This story is mildly complete. Right now, its over 50 pages. And I’m on the last part. I just felt like getting it up. (Posting it that is.)
Joel Has A Crush.
I killed your cat you druggie bitch! I thought it’d bring closure to our RELATIONSHIP!
I smile to myself, holding my head up while I read over the quote from his Facebook profile. Boondock Saints, not too bad. Going through it though, is just depressing me, easily reminding me of why I could never be with a guy like him. His page is full of stuff from his friends and his “Wall” if chock full of inside jokes and comments from girls fawning over him and telling him how amazing he is. On his page it says he’s bisexual and his current status is: “Benji is having an affair with guitar hero.” The picture he made default is of him and his freshman sister, both decked out with black eyeliner, scowling at the camera. Sarah has the whole emo-vibe going for her while Benji is a self-proclaimed punk successfully “Rockin’ in the Twenty-first century.” I don’t know if I think punk really exists here in Waldorf, but I’ll tell you what. He could make me believe it.
He goes to my school, though he’d never know me. I’m a couple classes with him and I doubt he even knows my name. Well actually, come to think of it, he may know my name, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to acknowledge that. I’m pretty much hated by everyone. Hence why I don’t have a chance with him. But he so hot!
I close my laptop and place it on the floor next to my bed, then proceed to flop down and cuddle into the sheets around me. I honestly have no life and sure. Yeah. Maybe I’m a little obsessed with Benjamin Madden but can you blame me? But he has to be untouchable by god even. He’s only ever dated one chick for as long as he’s gone to our school. Her name is Samara and when her and Benji aren’t going out, she’s still the only person I think he’s hooked up with from school. What sucks even more is that Samara used to be my best friend before Benji started goin’ all smitten on her ass. She dropped me like a wet roll of toilet paper, got a makeover and became Benji’s one and only. Well, one and only as far as who goes to our school.
Still, I’m not jealous. Really, I’m not. I remember one time I saw them at the movies together and they were making out. I don’t go out to the movies anymore. I remember when I found out Benji was bisexual. And no, it wasn’t from checking his Facebook profile obsessively. He was on a date with some out-of-towner at my dad’s little restaurant on the corner of Maybell Street. I sometimes hang out there and chat with the customers at the bar, because lets face it. I, Joel Combs, have no life. Anyhow, Benji was there with this guy for hours until it was just the usual bar regulars and them. I watched them out of the corner of my eye as the out-of-town kid picked up his cell phone.
“My mom just texted me, she says she’s here,” the kid explained. Benji smiled at him and leaned across the table to give this guy a kiss. I stood there transfixed, my eyes locked of them. The kid left and Benji paid for the meal before leaving himself unable to stop smiling. I swear he nodded at me before he exited but then again, that was probably my hyper-active imagination. It has an issue with making me see things that aren’t really there.
Like me and Benji having a chance. Heh. Yeah right.
I hate going on MySpace. I was never a fan of it, probably because I don’t really have that many real friends. So I took to whoring myself. You know… Putting your friend ID on those “Add trains?” Yeah, I’m a fucking loser. What else is new? So that’s another thing. Whenever I go on MySpace I feel so fake and pathetic. I always have people commenting my photos, girls and guys telling me how hot I am. Yeah that’s flattering, but that’s not me. It’s cool, sure… but it’s not what I want people thinking of me. Like there’s a couple pictures I have that my older brother took of me in the woods in our backyard. Josh wants to be a photographer. He’s really good; he seriously has a really good shot of doing something with his life.
So anyway, he takes pictures of me sometimes because he says that I really am a great model… The pictures he takes of me making quirky faces and leaning against trees or laying the grass. There’s this one picture Josh took of me at the beach when we were watching the sunset. I was perched on a rock, my mind spans of life away from my head allowing Josh to easily sneak a shot of me. He didn’t show me the picture till a couple of months later. He said he used it in one of his photography classes. He likes to say that I got him the A. I argue that he took the picture, but he’ll just say that I’m the best model he’ll ever have.
So anyways, again, when I put these pictures on the Internet all these creepy pervy guys start hitting on me and I’m just like ‘gross’ ‘no’ ‘leave me alone.’ What good does that do? I’m pretty sure I’m just going to delete my MySpace profile all together. It’s just disturbing and god forbid I actually do start getting friends in school that add me.
Oh what am I kidding, let me rephrase that.
God forbid Benji ever decides that he wants to add me or something, it’d be totally embarrassing for him to see those pics. Speaking of it now, I should probably make my profile friends only or whatever they call it on MySpace.
“Joel, do you have any clue what’s going on in class right now?” Ms. Tabor asks me with a hint of evil pleasure on her face. She enjoys making a mockery of me.
“Nope,” I reply with a truthful shrug. Damn my brain for always putting me such random rants.
“ISS,” is all that she demands. I can do that. I gather my things and walk out of the classroom, but not before I steal once last glance at Benji.
So. ISS. The itty-bitty, teensy-weensy box room located near the main office pretty much at the center of our school. Pretty cool, huh? No music. No laying your head down. No talking. No chewing gum. No eating unless you’re in lunch detention. No using the bathrooms in the hallways. No writing notes. No asking for writing utensils. Would you believe me if I said the list goes on. I take a seat in the back which faces the ISS teacher, Ms. Rogers, and the doorway. There are three kids already in here when I arrive, the students who have decided to take a permanent residence in the hellfire room. Sam Dawson, Richard Cardoza, I know are some of those kids who usual get sent down pretty much in the same second that they walk in. Ms. Rogers smiles at me briefly telling me to sign in.
“Weren’t paying attention?” she asks asked with a quirked eyebrow. I nod accordingly.
So now I’m sifting through papers being my lazy self, reading this, doodling on that. Anything to not get yelled at and/or in more trouble. Ms. Tabor is just out to get me, I swear to god. I find a random blank piece of paper and start writing on it. Just random words, maybe a poem, maybe lyrics. Who knows? I draw little pictures next to the words, a couple stars here. A giant moon…yeah. Wow. Two minutes in and I’m already bored out of my mind.
But then, it’s like god is answering my prayers. He must be taking pity on the fact that Ms. Tabor is evil and I have to deal with her because just as I look up, I watch Benji walking into the ISS room a blank expression on his face. His eyes meet mine when he walks in here, and I quickly look down blushing. Great Joel, now you look like a fucking retard GAWKING at the fellow. I wish I didn’t suck so much.
“What are you in here for Ben?” Ms. Rogers asks.
“I don’t know. Arguing?” he answers.
“What were you arguing about?” Ms. Rogers questions and I can’t believe what a loser I am putting all my senses to the test just so I can ease drop.
“I asked Ms. Tabor how the writers in the health book figured out the effects of illegal drugs without doing them, considering that would be illegal…” Benji explains. Ms. Rogers just laughs and puts the clipboard in front of him so he can sign in.
“Enough said, go take a seat,” she urges him once he’s done and honestly, God is definitely taking pity on me right now because Benji takes the seat right next to mine. I try not to visibly tense up at how outta wack my nerves feel at this moment. I think I’m shaking. There’s a good possibility I am certainly shaking.
I can feel Benji’s eyes on my profile, but I put all my energy into acting like I don’t notice. Nopers. Not me. Really. Don’t notice at all…
Okay so it’s driving me fucking insane.
Finally he looks away and rips out a piece of paper from his notebook. Seconds later, the folded sheet is being placed in front of my vision by Benji Madden himself. I unfold it and read it over.
this fuckin BLOWS
I chuckle to myself, immediately wondering how I’m going to reply because I don’t want to make a fool of myself. What should I say? Uhhh…
yeah tabors a bitch
I fold the note back over and pass it back to him. Ms. Rogers never looks away from her computers so I figure we’re in the clear. The note winds up back on my desk in another second or two.
you weren’t even doing anything. I think she juss hates anyone that resembles a stoner.
I bite my lip to keep from laughing.
You think I look like a stoner?
Do I look like a stoner? I hand the note to him and watch him as he writes on the paper and then hands it back tome.
Sure Joel, why not? Haven’t you smoked before?
Course I have, does he think I’m a fucking vegetable?
No shit. I live in Waldorf. What do you expect? I write back to him. I hand it to him and this time he has his hand extended out to get it so our fingers brush against each other briefly. I fight the blood that’s rushing to my cheeks as goose bumps break out all over my skin.
Sweet. We gotta chill sometime, Benji writes back. I fight the urge to jump up and down.
Benji asked me if I wanted to hangout with him and his crew sometime. Like… his group of friends. I pretty much know who each of them is, except for a couple from different schools. I can’t believe he actually talked to me. I can’t believe he even knew my name! Of course he knows your name Joel, says the little voice in the back of my head, but I bite through it and ignore the thought.
I flip open my laptop and check my mail. The first thing I see is an Add Request on Myspace and then something from Facebook. I quickly open two tabs for each website and type in there URL’s followed by my email and passwords. Facebook’s loads first and this time I don’t hold back the squeal of excitement I get seeing that Benji’s added me to his friends and sent me a request for confirmation that we met in elementary school. Oh my god! He actually remembers me from back then? I shake my head and stare blankly at the screen. Next thing, I go check Myspace and surely enough he’s added me on there too. Without even thinking I accept, and sit up in disbelief.
Just. Wow.
I flop backwards on my bed thinking about how pathetic I must seem with my little school boy crush. But Benji is just so…
Not being able to hold myself back, I turn the laptop back on and click on Facebook. I go to his photos and look over all of them. I feel foolish and stupid but I can’t help myself. I feel like a teenage girl ogling over… Hilary Duff or Nick Carter? I don’t really know what’s ‘in’ with radio music these days. But I can tell you what I like. I refresh my mail out of habit and see I have a new Picture comment on Myspace. Rolling my eyes, I click over to my Myspace tab and go to my pictures. I scroll down till I see the red letters. It’s under the picture of me with the sunset in the background. I have at least fifty something comments on it. I open the picture up and it goes big before my eyes.
Then my heart stops beating when I see a picture of Benji giving me the middle finger as a display ‘pic.’
I saw this on Facebook. Cool pic. We def. gotta chill. See yuh 2morrow.
I bite my lip and smile.
Weed around Waldorf is like a midday snack. Everyone fuckin’ smokes up like it’s nobody’s business but it really is everyone’s business because we’re all doing it. I have like, 8 buddies that’ll smoke me up or I can buy shit from. They know the rumors about me, but I pay them so they see passed it. And if they don’t, they’re good at hiding it. Seniors in my school will just go out into the parking lots, drive down the road to this abandoned church and smoke up there. Underclassmen will run to the apple orchard off the back of the school and smoke. After school there’s always a mass of kids crossing the street for there afternoon cigarette. The administration cares… they just don’t care enough. You see, our school excels in sports phenomenally. If we get busted for drugs, then students get kicked off teams and we might start sucking. Anybody with a varsity letter on their jacket probably is carrying a dime bag in their back pocket. So we don’t get busted, they get they’re yearly plaques that say how wonderful La Plata is and everyone’s happy.
“Hey Joel. You always sit by yourself?” I look up from where I’m sat, yes, alone in the cafeteria. Benji is hovering above me wearing baggy black shorts that look like cut up bondage pants. They have straps hanging off the back anyways. He’s got a Led Zep’ T-shirt on, loads of bracelets, metal ones, plastic ones, threaded ones along with 4 rings, two on each hand adorning his middle and ring fingers. My eyes meet his, which are surrounded in eyeliner and he smiles at me.
“Uhh…” Fuck. What do I say? He’s standing there. All hot and FUCK!
“Well tell you what. My peoples are skipping today and I already fucked up my absences on the verge of losing credit, so what do you say if I want to sit with you?” He doesn’t even wait for an answer, but it’s not like I’d say no.
“By all means,” I gesture to his already sitting body. He smiles brightly at me again and I’m fighting the urge to melt into a puddle. I finish off my piece of pizza and push it to the side, swallowing it down quickly.
“So, have you gotten called down to the APO for that shit with Tabor?” Benji asks obviously trying to start some kind of conversation.
“Ha. No, not yet. Why… have you?” Okay, that wasn’t too bad. You can do this. It’s just small talk; he’s getting to know me. Be normal.
“No, but I got a slip to go down at 1:45,” Benji digs into his pocket and pulls out a blue piece of paper which we both know means trouble.
“Well then I bet I’ll be getting one soon,” I sigh.
“Probably. I hate that fucking class,” Benji shakes his head.
“I hate Tabor. The class itself is easy…” Benji nods in agreement.
“Yeah, thank god.”
We go silent for a moment as I look off to the side at some inanimate object, attempting to be really preoccupied by it.
“Hey… I have a question for you,” Benji lays his hand on the table to kind of get my attention. I let my eyes go back to him, but only for a second before I starting gaping at him like I did last time.
“What?”
“Well, I just… this is going to be so random to you, but you used to be Samara’s friend right?” he asks cocking his head to the side. Some of his black hair falls into his face, but he shakes it away.
“Yeah, best of,” I shrug. “Why?” I spit bitterly because just the thought of the betrayal I feel when I think of that girl is enough to make me lash out on anything.
“Just wondering…” Benji replies sounding cautious.
“I’m sorry, it’s just. The way we… how our friend shit got fucked up is a touchy subject for me.” I fight the urge to say, ‘You should know why,’ and this sad feeling pierces through me. I can feel Benji’s eyes on mine so I flash my stare up to meet his gaze briefly before finding interest in the table.
“Was it because of me?”
I keep looking at the table. I can feel a lump growing in my throat and I can feel tears attempting to pool in my eyelids. Oh god. I can’t cry right now. Not in front of Benji. No way.
Shaking my head I stand up abruptly and start walking away. I can feel Benji still watching the back of my head and I’m pretty sure I even hear him call out my name, but I walk all the way down the parking lot, into my car and drive away.
Fuck school. I didn’t even want to come today anyway.
I log onto Facebook and see a million notifications waiting for me and a message in my inbox. I go to my notifications denying all the stupid requests to be a vampire or a zombie. I really don’t feel like being compared to Alicia Sandie, sorry honey, you’re gross disgusting and fat. I’ll pass up on saving the world by joining six different groups, thank you very much. Finally I find myself face to face with this message from, oh you called it. The one and fucking only: Benjamin L. Madden. I click on it and take a couple deep breaths.
Joel, hey. I’m sorry about during lunch. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I just was curious about what kind of person Samara is. She trying to get back with me once again and I always thought what she did to you was kinda shady.
Okay, so the only reason he’s been talking to me is because of Samara, that sucks. I read on.
So why don’t we chill tomorrow after school, I can make up for ruining your lunch today. Cool? Yeah? Hit me back man. -Lateh. Benj
Scratch those thoughts of before. The smile on my face is so big, I’m pretty sure my cheeks are gonna fall off soon.
Without wasting another second I click reply.
Don’t worry about today. 2morrow sounds awesome. See you then, -meh Joel.
I can’t fucking wait.
It’s 2:10. Four more minutes. Come on little red hand. Can’t we just go a little bit faster? I’m not asking for that much. Am I?
Benji came over to me during lunch today for a brief chat. I was sitting in the library; at one of the computers (I know I’m a loser) and he snuck in and sat down next to me.
“Whutcha workin’ on?” he asked attempting to look at the shit on my screen.
“Creative writing… right a 10 page story. It’s due in like… 10 minutes,” I explained.
“What page are you on?” he squinted to get a good look at the little page teller thing.
“Fourteen,” I kinda laughed. He laughed too.
“Well, I just wanted to find you and make sure we’re still on for today. After school?” he raised and eyebrow at me and I’m nearly positive I could hear the hopefulness in his voice.
“Yeah, of course… where are we going?” I furrowed my brow in curiosity.
“Do you have a car?” I nodded. “I’ll meet you there after school. Kay?”
“Oh-kay.”
“Later Joel,” he waved as he stood up and left.
God, his laugh is so pretty and the way his nose crinkles while he smiles and his eyes are so unbelievably beautiful. They’re brown, but this light mocha color. Around his pupils there’s this light ring of green and I don’t know. I could stare at him forever… I would if that wasn’t so lame.
The bell suddenly rings and I don’t recall not watching the clock but oh well. I all but shoot up from my seat like some kind of science-project-gone-all-wrong rocket. I make it to my locker in record time, shove my shit into my backpack and then head to the front of the building so I can leave and get to my car.
But then I see them. Both of them, standing there with there arms wrapped tightly around each other, connected at the lips in some hardcore make out scene for the entire school population to get a good look at. I stop all my actions, seemingly frozen in time.
Samara was the only girl I ever had a crush on, but I always liked Benji Madden. She told me that she was going to help me find out if he liked guys or not. Instead, he falls for her and she hasn’t even said a word to me since then. Well, there’s been so civil word exchanging. When they break apart they look into each other’s eyes. I tear my gaze away from them opting to run out the front lobby doors, willing myself not to cry. Please, don’t let me cry.
I dig into my pocket for the keys to my car, but of course, as soon I get them out, my gum and my wallet some how manage to fly out as well. Groaning outwardly, I turn around quickly and just as my hand reaches for my wallet a hand picks it up and then I find myself face to face with Benji’s shoes. I close my eyes tightly.
God, why must you hate me?
I stand up slowly, forcing a smile as Benji hands my wallet to me.
“Ready to go?” he grins. Say no. Say you feel sick. Say you have to baby-sit. Say you got in trouble. Tell him you’re dog died. You’re moms in the hospital? My brain is fucking screaming at me. But as soon as I look up and my eyes meet his, the smile on my face almost becomes some what genuine.
“Y-yeah. My car is this way,” I inform him turning around and cocking my head in the direction. My longish brown hair flops into my face, probably because it’s all parted to the side. Benji falls in stride next to me as I lead us to the car. I brush my hair using my fingers away from my face just as we get to my car. Benji looks up at me with wide eyes.
“You’re fucking kidding me?”
“What?” I shrug.
“How are you not popular when you have a goddamn car like this? How many people know this is your car. This is your car?” he says the last part a bit more quiet in contrast to the yelling he began with.
“Yes,” I reply promptly.
“What is it, it’s gotta be old?” he questions looked up at me like he can’t believe it.
“67 Chevy Impala,” I tell him. His eyes nearly bulge out of his head as I unlock my door, leaning across the way to get his.
“Who gave this to you?”
“My grandpa passed it down to me. I love it,” I say.
“I love it too,” Benji agrees.
Starting it up, I rev the engine a couple of times, maybe for the effect, but mostly to show off to Benji. He must really like it because his smile is so big it’s nearly kicking me out of my car.
“This is so fuckin’ awesome.” Benji grins directly to me. Who gives a fuck if he was just kissing Samara. He’s looking at me now and he’s in my car, and we’re going to go hang out somewhere.
I think my smile matches his.
We smoked two bowls together. His piece is fucking hilarious. It’s these giant boobs surrounded by this massive red bra. He explained to me the story of how he came to buying it and why it’s named ‘Pamela.’ I figured that side of the story was pretty self explanatory, but I love listening to him talk. We’re just hanging out at the little kid park. My car is parked off in the distance somewhere and we’re walking around smoking some Marlboro 27’s.
“Samara used to talk about you… y’know? She didn’t tell me you had an awesome fuckin’ car.” Benji gets a couple of steps in front of me and sits on the top of a picnic table.
“After she met you, I doubt anything that came out of her mouth worked in my favor,” I say vaguely while sitting next to him.
“She’s not that bad…” Benji looks at me, but I continue staring off into the distance.
“I wouldn’t know,” I shrug. My body feels so grounded, but I love it. The weed totally covers my giddiness when my brain registers that I’m actually hanging out with Benji. The crush of my life. Though I hate the fact that he has to bring up Samara.
“Did she ever do something to you? You seem kind of bitter,” Benji notices the obvious. Heh. I finally look over at him and his eyes heath curiosity while he looks at me. I can feel his essence under my skin.
“You do know we used to be best friends, right?” I ask like I’m accusing him. He furrows his brow.
“I asked her about you after you walked away from me the other day. She said you guys used to talk here and there,” he replies. I can feel my blood boil. I hate getting pissed, it totally ruins my high.
“Yeah, well we used to be tight as hell. Friends since the fourth grade, dated through middle school. High school rolls around, she meets you and who am I again? Just some gay freak she used to talk to.” Shaking my head I spit off to the side trying to not let my anger get the best of me.
“So you really are gay?” Benji decides to ignore the main point to my sentence. The way he says that though, I know he must of heard a rumor or two about me. That doesn’t surprise me though. After the shit Samara said about me, I’m surprise when people don’t know I’m gay.
“Mhm, no pussy for me,” I reply. Benji laughs, nose scrunching up, the whole shuh-bang. He’s too damn cute.
“I’m bisexual myself,” he tells me.
“You make it sound so proper,” I tease. He laughs.
“I didn’t mean to,” he says in a timid voice and for some reason I feel like I have the upper hand.
“Sure, right,” I continue to joke around.
“Well saying I’m ‘bi’ just sounds stupid to me. I mean, think about it like this, you can say you’re gay, which is cool. But if you couldn’t, would you rather be called a homosexual, or a homo?” he argues and I straighten up.
“Valid point,” I nod my head. God, he’s totally fucking gorgeous and he’s smart. Even stoned.
“My mommy didn’t teach me nothing,” he smiles childishly showing off his white teeth.
“She obviously didn’t teach you grammar,” I add and I feel his shoulder shove mine hard so I nearly topple over.
“Hey, that’s mean!” I yell while catching my balance. Benji climbs off the table and starts running away. I push myself to my feet and start chasing after him while he runs into the park’s designated soccer field.
“Come and get me if you think I’m so mean,” Benji calls out to me from the midfield line, probably 100 feet away from where I am.
“Fuck that man!” I reply loudly.
“Fine then, I’m just going to have to come and get you!”
It takes a little while for my brain to process whatever Benji just said, but then he’s charging towards me and my body doesn’t start reacting till he’s maybe 20 feet away, coming at me in a full on sprint.
“Eeek!” I move to the left, dodging him in the last second sprinting to god knows where in some unknown direction waiting for my mind to catch up with my actions. I can hear Benji behind me, his heavy breathing following me. Daringly, I glance back to see Benji reaching out for me with an outstretched hand and before I know it, Benji’s pulled me down to the ground. I land hard with a loud thud, but the giggles that my lips fail to suppress lead me to decide that I’m okay. If I hurt myself I don’t think I’d be laughing, right?
Benji ends up tripping over my fallen body. He lands next to me and the next thing I know, we’re all out wrestling on the ground. He trying to grab my wrists as he straddles me, but I wrench my hands free from him and flip us over. He copies my move as soon as he’s on the bottom so he’s back on top. I fold my arms across my chest and sigh contorting my face into this frustrated pout.
“Aw Joel, you wanna be on top?” Benji baby talks me.
“You wish.” I turn my lips into a smirk and flip us over faster than you can say ‘Jesus’ then I open my mouth letting the words come out in a ridiculously flamboyantly gay accent.
“Bitch please. I’m always on top,” I state with a lisp.
“Oh god.” Benji’s laughing so hard under my weight his whole body starts shaking. I look down at his face and I can’t believe I’m straddling Benji Madden who just 3 days ago I swore didn’t even know I existed. But suddenly that situation where I just saw him kissing Samara floats back into my brain and with my emotions over working themselves by the effects of dope, I’m suddenly climbing off Benji and walking away from him. As soon as he feels my weight disappear, his giggles fall into silence. It takes a couple of seconds after I start walking for him to call out my name. He calls for me twice before I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. I stop walking. My body tenses. I look down at his hand, resting on me and examine the long elegant fingers… the black nail polish smoothed perfectly over each nail.
Whenever I paint my nails they always chip.
Benji walks in front of me and his hand drops down to his side. It takes me a second, but my angry eyes meet his.
“What’d I do wrong?” he questions me, but most of all it sounds like he’s questioning himself. I immediately feel guilty because why should I be mad at him for falling for my ex-best friend. It’s not like he told her to spread nasty rumors about me and tell everyone I’m gay. It’s not his fault I got tormented in every gym class and beaten on for the entirety of both my freshman and sophomore year. It’s not his fault that… yeah. Let’s leave it at that.
I sigh quickly and shake my head. “You did nothing Benj, it’s just. My head is fucked up and I’m stoned and I just. I overreacted to nothing,” I try to explain, but I doubt it makes any sense.
“Are you sure? ‘Cuz I dunno about you Joel. For some reason I just want you to like me,” he sounds small and that feeling of having the upper hand returns tenfold.
“I like you Benji,” I tell him looking straight into his eyes and the words roll off my tongue so fast and so easy it fuckin’ scares the shit out of me. Benji takes a step towards me so he’s totally invading my personal space. God, he’s everything I’d imagine him to be and more. And to see him this close up is just awesome. His eyes are searching mine in this over-the-top, should-be-on-TV, cliché-as-a-daytime-soap-opera moment.
“I like you too, Joel.”
Oh my god. I’m gonna kiss Benji Madden. Benji Madden is gonna kiss me. Oh my god. Fuck!
Benji’s cell phone went off. I ended up with my arms around him, his floating up and latching around my neck, faces mere centimeters apart and his cell phone vibrates and then starts playing the chorus to “Hot Blooded.” We broke apart awkwardly and he answered his phone taking a few steps backwards before walking off.
Now we’re in my car and I’m about to drop him off at Samara’s place which is conveniently located right next to mine. I know, I’m such a lucky boy. We haven’t really said much since our almost kiss. It makes me kind of nervous and worried.
“I didn’t know you lived next to Samara…” he says flatly like he’s just trying to get rid of this silence. I keep my eyes on the road, but shrug.
“Yep…”
“I just… I mean I would have noticed this car, where do you hide it?” he asks sounding genuinely, like I have some huge secret.
“In the garage?” I say slowly so a slight teasing nature can be found somewhere in my voice or in the statement.
“God, I must sound dumb,” he replies quickly after that and I can’t help my laugh. I look over at him and his face is turning red. I pull into my houses driveway figuring he can walk the short distance. No point in pulling into her driveway and then having to pull out, drive ten feet, and park all over again. As the car shuts off, his laughter dies and we fall back into an awkward silence. I end up clearing my throat.
“Well thanks for hanging out with me,” I say immediately regretting not thinking before I open my mouth. I probably sound so fuckin’ stupid.
“You kidding me, you’re awesome Joel. I wish I’d known you longer. I haven’t had that much fun stoned or not in so long,” Benji says looking me right in the eyes. I feel all fidgety all of a sudden. “Honestly, I’m thanking you for hanging out with me. And driving me in your awesome car, and then bringing me to Samara’s.”
“Well there was no point in saying no, I mean she lives right next to my house and-,” I explain quickly.
“Yeah, but you still didn’t have to,” Benji cuts me off. “Stop trying to make excuses. You’re a good person.” I can’t stop looking into his eyes.
“You’re welcome,” I say but it comes out as a whisper.
Suddenly there’s tapping on my window. Benji and I both jump and I turn around to see Samara angrily hitting my window. Before I even have time to think, Benji’s not in my car anymore and he dragging Samara inside. I can hear her yelling while he pulls her away. I look up and see her mouth moving, angry words mixing with a ferocious glare.
I stay where I am suddenly feeling deflated.
“Hey momma,” I sigh walking into the kitchen. I still feel kinda stoned, but the main effects have worn off, now I’m just generally out of it to hell.
“Hey Joel sweetheart, where have you been?” she questions from her spot in the kitchen. She’s got 3 pans on the stove full of whatever’s for dinner. There’s something in the oven and some bread waiting to be cooked in the toaster.
“Just out.” I say at first. “With Benji,” I add after a second and for some reason it comes out confused.
“Benji. The Benji Madden. The boy you never shut up about?” my mom turns her back on her food to come over to me.
“Yep, that’s the Benji,” I tell her feeling proud of myself. She raises her brow at me.
“That’s great, do you think he’s still boy friend material now that you’ve actually hung out?” she asks sounding scandalized. I laugh at her.
“I dunno, mom,” I reply but my mind is already thinking about that almost kiss we shared less then an hour ago...
“Well dinner’s in 10 minutes call down your father and brother,” my mom orders turning back to the food. I suddenly perk up.
“Josh is here?” I question. She turns her face to me and flashes her motherly grin. I smile back widely racing my heart up the stairs to Josh’s room. Low and behold, I open his bedroom door and there he is sitting at his desk on the computer playing around with his camera. At hearing the door open he looks up and sees me and I all but run towards as he stands himself up.
“Joel hey!” he opens his arms to me and gives me a tight hug. I hug him back always missing him whenever he’s gone.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, noticing that I’m out of breath from having run up the stairs at top speed. “How long are you going to be here?”
“I’m gonna be here for the entire week, kiddo,” Josh tells me ruffling my hair like I’m five years old or something. Totally uncool, but he’s Josh, my brother, and he and only he can get away with it.
“Yeah, but you have school.” I let my eyebrows furrow and move away from his hand.
“One of my professors is sick and another one is on vacation and I can afford to miss the rest of my classes, especially to be home for my favorite little brother’s birthday…” Josh says smiling. I blush genuinely so happy that he’s home. I love my older brother to pieces.
“You’re only little brother,” I remind him sheepishly.
“Yeah, but even if I did have another brother for some reason, you’d still be my fave,” Josh smiles shoving me. I’m probably glowing.
“Boys dinner!” Mom calls up, figuring out that I totally forgot to tell him. I actually forgot about dinner myself.
After dinner Josh announces that he’s going out with Eddy, one of his old friends from high school that goes to the community college around here. He invited me and everything, but I know how much of a drag little brothers can be and shit, so I told him to just go. At the moment, I’m cooped up comfortably in my bedroom, sprawled out over my bed and as you may guessed it, my laptop is in front of me. I’m on my stomach, my elbows pressing into my mattress as I click around on Myspace. An instant message on AIM suddenly pops up out of nowhere, surprising me kind of.
megatronRAWR: hey, is it too late to call u?
I stare curiously at the little box. I look at the clock in to corner of my screen, it’s 11:49.
thedeadsaint: um, who is this?
I ask while raising an eyebrow.
megatronRAWR: Oh its Benji. Sry I forgot u dont know my screenname…
My heart leaps into my throat and my stomach flip flops out of control.
thedeadsaint: it’s cool u van vall me.
thedeadsaint: call me***
I mentally curse myself for typing to fast and spelling shit wrong, and I know he probably doesn’t give to shits, but still I do and I feel like I made an idiot of myself. Van vall? It’s a “C” Joel. One fucking key over.
megatronRAWR: Saweet. Wuts ur number?
I tell him my phone number and not but a second later my cell phone is vibrating in my pocket. I dig out the damn thing making a mental note to put bulky things in my back pocket because getting things out of front pockets it too complicating. Finally, I get it out and slide it so it’s open pushing the green answer button thingy with my thumb and putting the phone up to my ear all in one swift motion. I’m just awesome like that.
“Hello?” I talk into the receiver.
“Hey,” comes Benji’s soothing and nearly orgasmic voice ringing in my ear. I smile immediately. “What’s up?” he asks and I swear I can here a smile on his lips when he talks.
I shrug even though he can see it and close my laptop setting it on the floor as it goes on standby. “Absolutely nothing.” I sigh. “You?”
“I just got home from Samara’s house,” he says and all the excitement I was just feeling dissipates within seconds.
“Oh,” is all I can think to say.
“I just. I just wanted to apologize for her banging on your window,” Benji tells me. I half smile at the gesture.
“It’s cool, don’t worry about it,” I dismiss the matter, but he doesn’t seem able to let go that quick.
“No it wasn’t, it was fucking lame and she wouldn’t stop talking shit about you all night,” he says and it sounds like he’s getting worked up.
“Benj, it's fine,” I speak quietly kinda dejected because hearing that someone was talking behind your back always hurts. Especially when the said person was once your best friend. I start feeling really annoyed, not exactly at him, but more at the situation. He’s probably gonna hate me now, with all the shit she said.
“Y’know, I don’t understand why people say so much shit about you. I don’t get why you’re not one of the most popular kids in this town. You know you should be-”
“Don’t make me your damn charity case,” I cut him off fearful of where his little drabble was threatening to go. I feel like he’s ripping me apart and I don’t think he means to, but he really has gotta stop.
“No Joel, it’s not like that,” he says sounding helpless. I squint my eyes, contorting my face.
“What are you even getting at man? Some people just aren’t meant to be popular,” I say, the last bit coming out as more of a mumble.
“Yeah well I don’t think you’re one of them,” Benji says without a second’s pause. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.
“I… I like you Joel. I can’t get over it.”
I think I just lost my voice.
To Be Continued...
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