(no subject)
Yesterday was nice, though the transition to evening was slow and dreadful.
Anyway, it was Jake’s birthday and Holly made him a bracelet out of a toothbrush. She got the idea from him, and it’s the shit. really. But it was too small for Jake and he said I could wear it when I asked. so I did. And I still have it and I feel kind of bad cause it’s still tight around my wrist right now. So, last night I was supposed to go to Roxanne’s with Greg. I didn’t.
Instead, I found myself spread across the bathroom floor, breathing in the bright blue fabric on the rug. And for a few moments, I did not take notice of anything, except for the way my eyes felt as if they were on fire and how crying really does sting. and how I felt so alone. so entirely alone. And it was then that everything else slipped from my mind and my thoughts fell somewhere below my feet because I was not sad, or happy, or even heartbroken -all because of the overwhelming doubts that my heart was still beating healthy inside of me. I didn’t feel real. I wasn’t real. Nothing’s for real. Nobody’s for real.
And I won’t entertain you with any more details, for it would make you sad and feel pity.
In addition to last night, today also sucked, both more and less than last night, depending on the time of day.
I hate days like these, and nights like that.
Sometimes, to me, my family is what I feel: worthless.
i need someone.
someone.
Anyway, it was Jake’s birthday and Holly made him a bracelet out of a toothbrush. She got the idea from him, and it’s the shit. really. But it was too small for Jake and he said I could wear it when I asked. so I did. And I still have it and I feel kind of bad cause it’s still tight around my wrist right now. So, last night I was supposed to go to Roxanne’s with Greg. I didn’t.
Instead, I found myself spread across the bathroom floor, breathing in the bright blue fabric on the rug. And for a few moments, I did not take notice of anything, except for the way my eyes felt as if they were on fire and how crying really does sting. and how I felt so alone. so entirely alone. And it was then that everything else slipped from my mind and my thoughts fell somewhere below my feet because I was not sad, or happy, or even heartbroken -all because of the overwhelming doubts that my heart was still beating healthy inside of me. I didn’t feel real. I wasn’t real. Nothing’s for real. Nobody’s for real.
And I won’t entertain you with any more details, for it would make you sad and feel pity.
In addition to last night, today also sucked, both more and less than last night, depending on the time of day.
I hate days like these, and nights like that.
Sometimes, to me, my family is what I feel: worthless.
i need someone.
someone.