(no subject)

[x2xbladex2x]

i'm a fucking wreck. like honestly a wreck. i look like i'm fine and i act like i'm fine but nobody really knows. nobody really knows enough to get that i'm still so fucked up.i have so many secrets. so many desires so many additions that come back to haunt me.i feel like i'm sounding like a bitch.fuck it i dont even know anymore.this week was pointless.it had it's ups and downs but more downs than i had hoped for.i need to talk to someone. i need someone real.like not "down - to -earth, i- won't- judge-you" kind of person. i just need someone who's real.i mean i want to talk to someone. my age about my past and my demons who will understand them.i dont quite know what i want anymore.or why i 'm writing in this damn thing.i've had it since 9th grade.nobody uses there's anymore and yet i've been writing in it jsut hoping someone would see it and ask about it.i've fucking told someone to look at it. as an alternative to a face to face / on the phone conversation about all of my thoughts and felings. did he look who the hell knows. he's ifferent. i'm different.we've changed. everyone has changed.it can't be stopped but while changing he forgot about how we used to be.how innocent we were. i miss being so naive.i still am naive.i'm still so young. i feel like i'm too young to be dealing with my parents divorce. like too young to know the details that i know. my mom never should have told me the grusome details of it all.she's making everything worse and she doesn't get it. i'm seventeen.i don't need the burden of your divorce. i feel liek i'm holding her pain. like a storage bin. i'm not a fucking storage for emotions.oh but when i show my hurt and when i cry in your car in front of you i'm weak. i'm just being a bitchy drama queen because i'm crying when i'm on my way to my grandpas funeral and you're shoving a fucking map in my face yelling out street names like i should know exactly where the fuck we are. i don't know my way around fucking chicago.i'm not a fucking genius.i don't know what the fuck you were thinking but i'm not a fucking dumbass for not being able to find the damn streets fast enough for you. oh and talking to me when i'm trying to calm down. thanks.

i found that i've been associating songs with events in my life.

divorce- "wonderful" by everclear
grandpa funeral - "funeral march" Chopin
Summer- "umbrella"

ok that was dumb and lame.

it's 2 in the morning i shouldn't be getting upset.
fuck it all.