Thoughts

[x23laura]

'I can smell their reactions when they hear I cut. Shock, revolution, fear, worry, anger. I do not understand. It helps me to feel. I am frustrated that I can't feel more for what I have done. I know I should. But I cannot cry. I just feel hollow

Comments

[ex_julianhe]

[He doesn't know how to answer that question, so he sits beside her and is quiet. After a minute he looks at her]

What can I do?

[x23laura]

I need to find someone to help me. Don't leave me alone

[ex_julianhe]

Okay. [Frowning a little because...she's never asked not to be left alone. And she's sitting apart from everyone...]

What happened? Why're you sitting out here? [Shifting closer to her]

[x23laura]

I went looking for answers. I found this [she pulls put out her hit list for one year ] I....Gambit told me I should not be alone. He is right if I want to live

[ex_julianhe]

[He looks at the paper in her hand, wondering what the names are all about, but his eyes flash to her face at that last notation]

...what?! What do you mean if you want to live?

[x23laura]

I....do not if I want to. I killed them all. How can I be human [she meets his eyes with sad green ones]

[ex_julianhe]

[Killed them all...killed them all. Oh God, those names, that list of names...his stomach falls away, but he's focused on her eyes and suddenly he's turning to her, reaching towards her]

Laura, you are human. This list, that's not you, not anymore. You can't die. You can't want that.

[x23laura]

How can I be? I don't remember all their faces. Wolverine. He. He does not try to save me. He is saving jubilee

[ex_julianhe]

[Yeah, cause he's a douche. Probably better to not say that, Keller. She likes the guy. Constructive help. You can do that, right? ...God.]

Laura, the things you've done...you're talking about what they made you do, not what you chose. That's what makes you human. What matters is the choices you make now.

[x23laura]

But I should feel more about what I did, shouldn't I

[ex_julianhe]

[Honestly]

I don't know what you should feel, Laura. I don't think there's rules for that. People feel what they feel, there isn't any controlling that. No two people are gonna feel exactly the same way about the same thing. And you've been through more than what most people have. I don't think you should be worried about what you feel and what you don't, I think you should just...just look at how you are feeling, and...find a way to deal with that.

[x23laura]

I don' know how to deal except for she runs fingers over her wrists where she's cut before]

[ex_julianhe]

[He stares at her wrists for a moment. Sometimes, especially these days, he thinks he’s got Laura figured out. Then she’ll do or say something that just…scares the shit right out of him all over again and he feels completely out of his depth. She is the only girl to have ever had this impact on him and he just. Lacks the instinct for dealing with it. He shifts beside her, moving closer and pressing a little against her]

Don’t do that. Please, Laura, don’t…don’t hurt yourself, that…it won’t help.

[x23laura]

It help me feel [she tenses and then relaxes back against him a little]

[ex_julianhe]

[He...wants to hold her. Especially when she leans against him. He can't, not properly. He doesn't have hands to hold. And he doesn't even really like moving his arms, because it draws attention to what's not there anymore, and...

Oh screw it. He shifts, putting his arm around her and kind of...resting it against her back. He tilts his head down, looking for her eyes]

Laura...there are other ways to feel, I...

Shit. I don't know, I'm the last person who could tell you how to...deal with...

...please don't hurt yourself. Please, I...hate it when you're hurt.

[x23laura]

[she look up] what other ways?

[she searches his eyes] I... I am hurting you with this