Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011
This is going to ramble a bit so just bear with me (har har) I'm letting some issues go with this post....
Well this year has been rather up and down. I cant even really begin to blog a years worth of my drama *lol*
Down;
I fell a bit with things, dropped the ball and needed some help getting back up. A fair amount of personal problems too... I've always had this fear that people hate me or dislike me. I get very upset when I think someone is mad at me... Ive never really understood it but sadly its there. That caused some issue to me; I felt like i was being pushed aside and felt helpless to do anything about it. That triggered my 'make myself happy' mode... which is to eat. I have the need (and you can make this a joke too) to have things in my mouth. W either it be gum, a lollipop, candy, my fingernails (i've chewed them down to nubs before) or perhaps I have this need to chew... Sooo when I get upset I eat. That caused me to get fat really effing fast.. My weight JUMPED and I didn't even notice.
Now, before everyone yells at me and says "You're Not Fat" BACK OFF for a moment <3
I've been very touchy with my weight and hight. I HATE that Im so tall and i HATE HATE HATEEEE that i was so fat. And I was fat, regardless if everyone says diffrent. Medicaly I was fat. No If's And's or Buts. It took a hard toll on my body too. I now have thanks to being too heavy... bad ankles, shot knees, a hip that unhinges, and poor circulation.
I joke about being a 'giant' or what not but its mostly to make myself feel better. Im slowly getting better about my self image, and it will take a good amount of time to be 100% ok with who I am. I've come to terms with that and its ok. I have my good days and my bad days. You can tell the good ones with updates to FB and Twitter (hahaha)
And I'll never be 100% about my height. Sorry, but I hate being tall and I cant do anything about it. So let me hate that and only that.
Now with that all being said (yeah yeah, Like I said; I'll be ranting a lot in this post)
UP;
I felt that I was being pushed aside and being used. And I was a bit... and I'm ok about that now. I don't like to hold grudges. its last years shit, and Im over it. But it happened and well all I can do is learn from it.
On a plus; I've stepped up and taken charge of my weight issues. I've changed my eating habbits and really seen a diffrence. I went from 260lbs to 181lbs. A good jump. Down 3 pant sizes, a shirt size, a shoe size, ring size and bra size (cup went up oddly) and all that weight loss I also shrank 2 inches. Dont know how (dont care too) but I went from 6'2" to 6'.
It kills me that I have to buy all new clothes and shoes to fit... T^T My goal; 160lbs. a healthy 160.
Down;
I changed who I was to fit in.
This isn't just pertaining to last year (2010) But all the years adding up. I pretended to like things that didn't interest me or I did things that I didn't want to because it was the thing to do. I'm ashamed that I did.
I did whatever it took to keep friends, but that isn't how it should work, ever.
UP;
I am me. Dont like it? FUCK OFF then. D:<
Im full of quirks. CHOCK FULL OF EM. I dress how I want to. (Goth one day and prep the next WHO THE EFF CARES?) I like watching sappy love stories (gimme a tissue) I laugh at horror movies (being stabbed is always ALWAYS funny)
I LOVE LOVE LOOOOVVEEE Hello Kitty. (you dont? THEN SUCK MY LEFT ONE!)
I sing badly (you like nails on a chalk board? then you'll love me) I cant dance. I have the grace of a rock. (yeah... NONE) If you pick up my Ipod its everything from punk, ska, rock, opera, jpop. (だれを性交は気遣うか。)
Anywho, I could go on and on... but in a nutshell I'm DONE being something Im not. I'll bend over backwards or even take a bullet for a good friend so like me or leave me, no skin off my back.
Down;
Jobs. UGH. Under paid, over worked... stress stress stresss
Nuff said.
People back stabbing, lying, fakes and posers. IM DONE. You burn me, you better watch you back cause I'm not gonna roll over and take it.
UP;
The people I've met. Past and present. Small drama aside I've made some great friends at work. People I can joke with and openly be myself and not have them shun me *lol* sshhuunnnnn~
They make my work days fly by, and it really helps my mood. (you done yet?)
Down;
I ended a 5 year relationship.
It sucked. it sucked so hard but I needed to do it.
UP;
We're still friends and that makes me happy. I dabbled in some dates after, but I was lucky that a very sweet boy came to me <3
Down;
Friends and family. when people back stab you it hurts but when family dose it, its just a new pain. Had a few deaths too. Never fun.
Friends leaving too. But Im done with trying to win people back, thats not friendship and I wont do that. if you wanna walk away from me then fine, but dont keep doing it cause soon I wont welcome you back.
UP;
New friends family. I've never thought family is only blood bonds with people. Family is people that you care about... you trust and love and want to be happy even if it makes you miserable. People who can push your buttons and you STILL love them. I've found that. I have and its wonderful. people who arent blood but are. know what I mean? ^__^
I love my sister Lauren. I always looked up to her, and cheesey as it is, I always will. <3
My Flasha sisters. Lau, Natty and Manda-chan. Sisters forever and always. Its how we do.
My NH family. the newest additions to my 'family' You guys are the best. really.
I think I'll start to wrap this up now. Ive touched on the mega points of my life. My mom is another one,, but I can rant for days about. Its something that I need to work on and deal with. Thats something I'll update more on throughout the year.
Money is another issue, again, more things I can always update on. Cosplays too.
My hopes and goal for 2011?
to better myself. Mind body and soul.
I want to get to my goal weight of 160lbs and keep it there.
I want to get a better job and make money.
I want to move out and be on my own.
I want my tattoos
I want most of all to be happy. To be able to put myself first.
I cant say thank you enough to the people who have stayed in my life. You all are truly and without a doubt the reason I keep going.
Well this year has been rather up and down. I cant even really begin to blog a years worth of my drama *lol*
Down;
I fell a bit with things, dropped the ball and needed some help getting back up. A fair amount of personal problems too... I've always had this fear that people hate me or dislike me. I get very upset when I think someone is mad at me... Ive never really understood it but sadly its there. That caused some issue to me; I felt like i was being pushed aside and felt helpless to do anything about it. That triggered my 'make myself happy' mode... which is to eat. I have the need (and you can make this a joke too) to have things in my mouth. W either it be gum, a lollipop, candy, my fingernails (i've chewed them down to nubs before) or perhaps I have this need to chew... Sooo when I get upset I eat. That caused me to get fat really effing fast.. My weight JUMPED and I didn't even notice.
Now, before everyone yells at me and says "You're Not Fat" BACK OFF for a moment <3
I've been very touchy with my weight and hight. I HATE that Im so tall and i HATE HATE HATEEEE that i was so fat. And I was fat, regardless if everyone says diffrent. Medicaly I was fat. No If's And's or Buts. It took a hard toll on my body too. I now have thanks to being too heavy... bad ankles, shot knees, a hip that unhinges, and poor circulation.
I joke about being a 'giant' or what not but its mostly to make myself feel better. Im slowly getting better about my self image, and it will take a good amount of time to be 100% ok with who I am. I've come to terms with that and its ok. I have my good days and my bad days. You can tell the good ones with updates to FB and Twitter (hahaha)
And I'll never be 100% about my height. Sorry, but I hate being tall and I cant do anything about it. So let me hate that and only that.
Now with that all being said (yeah yeah, Like I said; I'll be ranting a lot in this post)
UP;
I felt that I was being pushed aside and being used. And I was a bit... and I'm ok about that now. I don't like to hold grudges. its last years shit, and Im over it. But it happened and well all I can do is learn from it.
On a plus; I've stepped up and taken charge of my weight issues. I've changed my eating habbits and really seen a diffrence. I went from 260lbs to 181lbs. A good jump. Down 3 pant sizes, a shirt size, a shoe size, ring size and bra size (cup went up oddly) and all that weight loss I also shrank 2 inches. Dont know how (dont care too) but I went from 6'2" to 6'.
It kills me that I have to buy all new clothes and shoes to fit... T^T My goal; 160lbs. a healthy 160.
Down;
I changed who I was to fit in.
This isn't just pertaining to last year (2010) But all the years adding up. I pretended to like things that didn't interest me or I did things that I didn't want to because it was the thing to do. I'm ashamed that I did.
I did whatever it took to keep friends, but that isn't how it should work, ever.
UP;
I am me. Dont like it? FUCK OFF then. D:<
Im full of quirks. CHOCK FULL OF EM. I dress how I want to. (Goth one day and prep the next WHO THE EFF CARES?) I like watching sappy love stories (gimme a tissue) I laugh at horror movies (being stabbed is always ALWAYS funny)
I LOVE LOVE LOOOOVVEEE Hello Kitty. (you dont? THEN SUCK MY LEFT ONE!)
I sing badly (you like nails on a chalk board? then you'll love me) I cant dance. I have the grace of a rock. (yeah... NONE) If you pick up my Ipod its everything from punk, ska, rock, opera, jpop. (だれを性交は気遣うか。)
Anywho, I could go on and on... but in a nutshell I'm DONE being something Im not. I'll bend over backwards or even take a bullet for a good friend so like me or leave me, no skin off my back.
Down;
Jobs. UGH. Under paid, over worked... stress stress stresss
Nuff said.
People back stabbing, lying, fakes and posers. IM DONE. You burn me, you better watch you back cause I'm not gonna roll over and take it.
UP;
The people I've met. Past and present. Small drama aside I've made some great friends at work. People I can joke with and openly be myself and not have them shun me *lol* sshhuunnnnn~
They make my work days fly by, and it really helps my mood. (you done yet?)
Down;
I ended a 5 year relationship.
It sucked. it sucked so hard but I needed to do it.
UP;
We're still friends and that makes me happy. I dabbled in some dates after, but I was lucky that a very sweet boy came to me <3
Down;
Friends and family. when people back stab you it hurts but when family dose it, its just a new pain. Had a few deaths too. Never fun.
Friends leaving too. But Im done with trying to win people back, thats not friendship and I wont do that. if you wanna walk away from me then fine, but dont keep doing it cause soon I wont welcome you back.
UP;
New friends family. I've never thought family is only blood bonds with people. Family is people that you care about... you trust and love and want to be happy even if it makes you miserable. People who can push your buttons and you STILL love them. I've found that. I have and its wonderful. people who arent blood but are. know what I mean? ^__^
I love my sister Lauren. I always looked up to her, and cheesey as it is, I always will. <3
My Flasha sisters. Lau, Natty and Manda-chan. Sisters forever and always. Its how we do.
My NH family. the newest additions to my 'family' You guys are the best. really.
I think I'll start to wrap this up now. Ive touched on the mega points of my life. My mom is another one,, but I can rant for days about. Its something that I need to work on and deal with. Thats something I'll update more on throughout the year.
Money is another issue, again, more things I can always update on. Cosplays too.
My hopes and goal for 2011?
to better myself. Mind body and soul.
I want to get to my goal weight of 160lbs and keep it there.
I want to get a better job and make money.
I want to move out and be on my own.
I want my tattoos
I want most of all to be happy. To be able to put myself first.
I cant say thank you enough to the people who have stayed in my life. You all are truly and without a doubt the reason I keep going.