HAHA!!! Felinus Homosexualis
This is something that my friend Josh wrote. He is TOO MUCH. Its long so im gonna cut it for you to read in here.
Felinus Homosexualis
By
Joshua Espitia
I walked into the station this morning and made a revelation. One of my coworkers has a cat that she brings everywhere. This I already knew, but I happened to notice something today that had previously escaped my attention: the cat is incredibly gay, even as far as cats go.
Now don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and I have no ill will towards gay people. In fact, I love gay men. The more gay men there are, the more women there are for the straight men in the world. I even have a theory that homosexual men are the reason heterosexual men cheat on their lovers. It’s true. Because women outnumber men already, and the percentage of gay men in the population skews the ratio even more, straight men have to cheat so no single straight woman misses the experience of being sexually gratified. Straight men cheat for noble reasons; women cheat because they’re sluts.
Anyhow, back to the cat. Have you ever watched a cat walk? Even a presumably straight cat has a walk that is a tad bit light. They swish. Every last one of them is at the very least a swisher. The cat in question prances. It bounds about like Pepé Le Pew. For those of you who don’t know, Pepé Le Pew is a smelly, French (Smelly and French. Go figure) skunk that hops around on all four toes in search of pussy. Come to think of it, with his overly amorous ways and European machismo, Mr. Le Pew may be living in the closet, but I’ll leave that for another time. Yes, the cat has a gay walk. The cat, of course, doesn’t have limp wrists. If it did, it would just tumble forwards every time it took a step. Then the cat wouldn’t be gay; it would be retarded.
And really, it wouldn’t be fair to draw comparisons to retarded people. That would entail some degree of making fun at the expense of retards, and I can’t do that. I mean, come on. Do you see retarded people making fun of other retarded people? No! You see them aspiring to new heights in the Special Olympics and being the unwitting an exploited human testers of new helmet technology. On the other hand, I have seen blind comedians making fun of blind people, making them fair game. So blind people, watch out! Wait, I don’t suppose you can, can you? Well, I’m not about to pound this out in Braille, so have someone read it to you. Of course, you couldn’t see that part telling you to have someone read it to you, so I guess that fell on deaf ears. Oh Christ, never mind.
Getting back to the cat. The thing that seals its gayness is its haircut. Now I realize that the cat is not at fault for its own hair, but someone who makes decisions for someone else can drive them to homosexuality. It’s happened in my family; it’s probably happened in yours. No, the cat’s owner has decided to make the cat ultra gay by having it’s body hair shaved. That’s right, she has a shaved pussy.
Taken out of context, there is absolutely nothing gay about shaved pussy. It embodies man’s ultimate desire to have sex with children. Even gay men want that. But, when the pussy in question is a real cat, it gets very gay. Gay men have one of two things: great hair or a bald head. There is no in between. Michael Stipe from REM started the trend, and I don’t see it going anywhere. If you ask, most homosexual men will tell you it is to honor those who have fallen victim to AIDS. I don’t think the cat has AIDS, though. I haven’t seen any sores on its legs. Maybe it’s going through chemotherapy. I haven’t said a thing about cancer patients yet.
Chemotherapy, AIDS, or not, it’s still a really gay cat.
Felinus Homosexualis
By
Joshua Espitia
I walked into the station this morning and made a revelation. One of my coworkers has a cat that she brings everywhere. This I already knew, but I happened to notice something today that had previously escaped my attention: the cat is incredibly gay, even as far as cats go.
Now don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and I have no ill will towards gay people. In fact, I love gay men. The more gay men there are, the more women there are for the straight men in the world. I even have a theory that homosexual men are the reason heterosexual men cheat on their lovers. It’s true. Because women outnumber men already, and the percentage of gay men in the population skews the ratio even more, straight men have to cheat so no single straight woman misses the experience of being sexually gratified. Straight men cheat for noble reasons; women cheat because they’re sluts.
Anyhow, back to the cat. Have you ever watched a cat walk? Even a presumably straight cat has a walk that is a tad bit light. They swish. Every last one of them is at the very least a swisher. The cat in question prances. It bounds about like Pepé Le Pew. For those of you who don’t know, Pepé Le Pew is a smelly, French (Smelly and French. Go figure) skunk that hops around on all four toes in search of pussy. Come to think of it, with his overly amorous ways and European machismo, Mr. Le Pew may be living in the closet, but I’ll leave that for another time. Yes, the cat has a gay walk. The cat, of course, doesn’t have limp wrists. If it did, it would just tumble forwards every time it took a step. Then the cat wouldn’t be gay; it would be retarded.
And really, it wouldn’t be fair to draw comparisons to retarded people. That would entail some degree of making fun at the expense of retards, and I can’t do that. I mean, come on. Do you see retarded people making fun of other retarded people? No! You see them aspiring to new heights in the Special Olympics and being the unwitting an exploited human testers of new helmet technology. On the other hand, I have seen blind comedians making fun of blind people, making them fair game. So blind people, watch out! Wait, I don’t suppose you can, can you? Well, I’m not about to pound this out in Braille, so have someone read it to you. Of course, you couldn’t see that part telling you to have someone read it to you, so I guess that fell on deaf ears. Oh Christ, never mind.
Getting back to the cat. The thing that seals its gayness is its haircut. Now I realize that the cat is not at fault for its own hair, but someone who makes decisions for someone else can drive them to homosexuality. It’s happened in my family; it’s probably happened in yours. No, the cat’s owner has decided to make the cat ultra gay by having it’s body hair shaved. That’s right, she has a shaved pussy.
Taken out of context, there is absolutely nothing gay about shaved pussy. It embodies man’s ultimate desire to have sex with children. Even gay men want that. But, when the pussy in question is a real cat, it gets very gay. Gay men have one of two things: great hair or a bald head. There is no in between. Michael Stipe from REM started the trend, and I don’t see it going anywhere. If you ask, most homosexual men will tell you it is to honor those who have fallen victim to AIDS. I don’t think the cat has AIDS, though. I haven’t seen any sores on its legs. Maybe it’s going through chemotherapy. I haven’t said a thing about cancer patients yet.
Chemotherapy, AIDS, or not, it’s still a really gay cat.