(no subject)
wow....
Im getting so anxious lately about July that I havent really been able to sleep at night and ive been really depressed lately...I just feel...invisible to all or like I dont matter...mainly because of people at Fraser and then usually I anticipate fridays because it makes me happy to be in place where I have been that John has been with me also... but now I get harrassed wen I go there it feels like the refs hate me and that I dont matter...dont ask me why I couldent tell you...its just how I feel...and since like 9th grade wen the razzing got really bad I have a constant paranoia of everyones staring at me and thinking bad things about me and when you are really self conscious about the way u look to the point where your yelling at oyur friends for just trying to help you fix like the tinyest flaw in your make-up its pretty bad..thats basically where Iam at right now...I find myself randomly crying lately in just random places like class,great skate,the shower,exc just like anywhere... and like out of nowhere as soon as I think about the way I look I just start crying...I just want to like scream and cry when anybody in the hall just glances at me...it sux...like really bad...and I have an overwhelming fear of being alone...I always feel like im alone even wen im not...I just feel that since my longest relationship ever was for atleast 2 weeks im never going to be with anyone for a long time so ill never find love...and its because something inside my head keeps telling me not to forget about John or let go and be free...I just dont kno...thats one of the main reasons I even want him to go to Great Skate...so I can see if seeing him one last time will help me get over him...and if that doesnt do it than nothing will its like my last hope... besides getting like REAL help...like a therapist or a pshychiatrist (I dont think I spelled that rite) :*( well I guess im done ranting now...no one cares to kno anyways... : /
Im getting so anxious lately about July that I havent really been able to sleep at night and ive been really depressed lately...I just feel...invisible to all or like I dont matter...mainly because of people at Fraser and then usually I anticipate fridays because it makes me happy to be in place where I have been that John has been with me also... but now I get harrassed wen I go there it feels like the refs hate me and that I dont matter...dont ask me why I couldent tell you...its just how I feel...and since like 9th grade wen the razzing got really bad I have a constant paranoia of everyones staring at me and thinking bad things about me and when you are really self conscious about the way u look to the point where your yelling at oyur friends for just trying to help you fix like the tinyest flaw in your make-up its pretty bad..thats basically where Iam at right now...I find myself randomly crying lately in just random places like class,great skate,the shower,exc just like anywhere... and like out of nowhere as soon as I think about the way I look I just start crying...I just want to like scream and cry when anybody in the hall just glances at me...it sux...like really bad...and I have an overwhelming fear of being alone...I always feel like im alone even wen im not...I just feel that since my longest relationship ever was for atleast 2 weeks im never going to be with anyone for a long time so ill never find love...and its because something inside my head keeps telling me not to forget about John or let go and be free...I just dont kno...thats one of the main reasons I even want him to go to Great Skate...so I can see if seeing him one last time will help me get over him...and if that doesnt do it than nothing will its like my last hope... besides getting like REAL help...like a therapist or a pshychiatrist (I dont think I spelled that rite) :*( well I guess im done ranting now...no one cares to kno anyways... : /