I'm writing these letters to you...
*sigh*
i got my shot yesterday. so that's cool.
then i worked.
then i came home.
and i was so excited to talk to kate.
BUT then... she just shot me down, and made me feel worthless, and like anything that i have ever felt doesn't matter.
which is probably true...
so another night ruined by someone trying to kill me. whatever.
these past few days... well this whole week has been shit. i just want to crawl into a hole and die.
i think things would be better that way.
i just don't feel like i have a purpose in this life. i know i don't. becca had so much faith in me. and she let me know that before she left. but its so hard for me to feel like i have anything worth living for. i have so many goals. but i have fucked up royally. its all my own fault. i just let my emotions conflict with my priorities too much. but i can't help it. i never have motivation. i honestly just don't feel like i have anything anymore. there isn't any hope for me. i am just. so. broken.
all the friends i used to have, i have just pushed away. they have been nothing but negative energy to me lately. i really wish i had never surrounded myself with some of the people i have. like trina, i don't think she really understands how much she has hurt me. i trusted her, i confided in her... and this is what i get. shit on. i have done nothing but try and be a good friend to people, but your all a bunch of back stabbers. and you know it.
the only few REAL friends i have throughout all of the people i use to claim as my friends are Heather, Maddie, Karissa, and Chris.
and i am so happy to have met new friends. like shawnie... he has become one of my closest friends. and i trust him far more than i would ever trust any of my former friends...and OMG! Danie... she is so amazing. i have become so close to her, too.
i think pushing everyone away is one of the best things i have done for myself in a while. These new folks are fun and they make me laugh. and i would say thats all that really matters right now. they don't make me feel like shit. Not like everyone else seemed to do. i have so many occasions that i could list where you made me feel like complete and utter shit, but its not worth it. i just needed to let you all know how you have made me feel, what i've been doing, and why.
I still care about you all... its just, i can't keep surrounding myself with all the negativity that you seem to throw at me. i will have your back when you need me. but for the most part, i'm gone.
this year has proved to me who my real friends are, and who arent. its too bad i lied to myself for so long, pretending like you all actually cared. i guess i'm just far too niave. oh well. it happens. but i see the truth now. and thats what matter's. the present.
i don't really know what else to say about the whole friends thing.
so i guess i will stop with this for now...
say what you will...
i got my shot yesterday. so that's cool.
then i worked.
then i came home.
and i was so excited to talk to kate.
BUT then... she just shot me down, and made me feel worthless, and like anything that i have ever felt doesn't matter.
which is probably true...
so another night ruined by someone trying to kill me. whatever.
these past few days... well this whole week has been shit. i just want to crawl into a hole and die.
i think things would be better that way.
i just don't feel like i have a purpose in this life. i know i don't. becca had so much faith in me. and she let me know that before she left. but its so hard for me to feel like i have anything worth living for. i have so many goals. but i have fucked up royally. its all my own fault. i just let my emotions conflict with my priorities too much. but i can't help it. i never have motivation. i honestly just don't feel like i have anything anymore. there isn't any hope for me. i am just. so. broken.
all the friends i used to have, i have just pushed away. they have been nothing but negative energy to me lately. i really wish i had never surrounded myself with some of the people i have. like trina, i don't think she really understands how much she has hurt me. i trusted her, i confided in her... and this is what i get. shit on. i have done nothing but try and be a good friend to people, but your all a bunch of back stabbers. and you know it.
the only few REAL friends i have throughout all of the people i use to claim as my friends are Heather, Maddie, Karissa, and Chris.
and i am so happy to have met new friends. like shawnie... he has become one of my closest friends. and i trust him far more than i would ever trust any of my former friends...and OMG! Danie... she is so amazing. i have become so close to her, too.
i think pushing everyone away is one of the best things i have done for myself in a while. These new folks are fun and they make me laugh. and i would say thats all that really matters right now. they don't make me feel like shit. Not like everyone else seemed to do. i have so many occasions that i could list where you made me feel like complete and utter shit, but its not worth it. i just needed to let you all know how you have made me feel, what i've been doing, and why.
I still care about you all... its just, i can't keep surrounding myself with all the negativity that you seem to throw at me. i will have your back when you need me. but for the most part, i'm gone.
this year has proved to me who my real friends are, and who arent. its too bad i lied to myself for so long, pretending like you all actually cared. i guess i'm just far too niave. oh well. it happens. but i see the truth now. and thats what matter's. the present.
i don't really know what else to say about the whole friends thing.
so i guess i will stop with this for now...
say what you will...