you`ll never know

Jan 04, 2005 00:11


life.

--> when i dream.. i dream about him.. when i wake up im thinking about him.. when i go to bed hes all i think about.. all day long i think about him and what hes doing.. i cant get him off mymind.. and that kills me inside... i fell in love with the wrong person.. and i want to so badly just go back to the first time i met him.. and just.. not talk to him at all.. and none of this now would mean a thing.. i wish he knew how in love i am with him.. and how much i would give up to be with him.. i wish hed just forget about everyone and we could be together.. just us.. no one else matters.. id give the world to be with him. id never do anything to hurt him.. or make him feel unimportant. he means so much to me.. and i hate that. i hate him sooo much.. i hate that i love him so much more then i hate him.. hes hopeless. i try to tell myself  "get over him.. ur waisting ur damn time. hes a jerk. hes nothing.. he`lll never grow up" and even tho its all true.. it doesnt change the way i feel.. hes not everything i want in a guy.. hes not mr.right or anything close. but with him i dont care. for the past week ive been trying to distance myself.. maybe not talking to him for a while.. hed maybe realize how good of a friend i am. and how much im there for him. and how much i care.. so ive been 'mad' lately. and not talking to him.. but the past week has been the worst week of my life.. ive felt empty and depressed.. i dont want company. i dont like going out. i just want to be alone. by myself.. what DO you do when the one person who made u cry is the one person who can make u stop? not talking to him and knowing that i shouldnt just makes me sit here and think about him more and more and moreeeeee.. i hate this. .. if i could go back to the first time i layed with him i would.. in a heart beat .. i thought i could be tight about what we decided to do.. but i was too in love with him in the first place.. it was stupid of me to fall for all his bullshit. why do i love him so much? hes just a boy.. a boy who spits mad game.. will make u feel like u come b4 any other girl.. who can make u feel unbelievable in and out of the bedroom and if it wernt for all the other ppl were surrounded by we would be together.. im just tired of this. i just wanna be happy with this guy.. i wanna be that girl that he needs.. that he wants. im too late.. i could spend the rest of my life with him.. but knowing that. and then knowing that it will never happen.. kills me. i just wanna grow up already and look back and laugh at this guy and laugh at me for being so damn ignorant and whipped. while hes looking back realizing what he missed out on and by then i wont care anymore and it`ll be to late for him.
i just want what everyone wants? i want someone to cuddle with.. to hold. to talk to .. *to talk dirty to*.. to love. to be with. i just want a -us-... whys it so hard? im so lost.....
when things get hard and everything is wrong ...im not going to give up and if you ever need anything im here....
nobody knows how i feel and nobody knows who he is.. ppl might think they do.. but no one will ever know my heart..
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