End of Summer...parts of it
Well I don't know where I last left off, but Summer camp ended Friday. (._.) *(lip quiver)* I'm gonna be sad for sometime now.....I"m gonna miss the people. There was quite a bit of drama though, in between my last entry and now:
Me and Ben finally had it out. A mini fight where he and Ethan and Rachael Brd pretty much attacked me verbally for absolutely no reason....And I was tying to remain calm and not fight back too much.....and they were just having an all out bashing on me...at 9:00 on Friday...the last night of Jr. Camp. And at one point he even said something like "I'm not gonna kill myself so he can't be happy or something." And he was saying it in a mean joking way...and I was so mad, that I just walked out....and then I was lying in my bed up at the staff dorm and I was like "U know what? I'm gonna talk this out...I will actually give that a try" So I went down and took him out of the downstairs...and attempted to talk to him. But we got nowhere, cause the whole time he acted like I was wasteing his time or something, and then he ended it with "Well, I better go and get 3ft. away from u." (cause of the whole piggy back, 3ft. restraint crap) and I was like "Shut up, that's such an excuse..." And then I was angry and blew up and crap cause I had had the worst day of my life and then it had to be ended with that crap....So then I cooled off for a day or two and then I felt slightly sorry for him cause Sarah said that he has his own problems and what he's doing is not me, it's him totally and what he's dealing with...so I wrote him this note, and didn't say who it was from , and then he found it and I think he figured out who it was. And then We only had two days of Debriefing and he was nicer....and stuff,...to the point where he was hinting stuff at me again...like when we watched BraveHeart, he was like "Sit down! Enjoy the movie! When I was standing watching it" and he hit the pew he was on (we were in the chapel) and so I sat next to him....then 30. min later he has this blanket and he's like "You know this blanket's big enough for two...." So then of course I shared the blanket with him......and the next day (which was Tuesday) was when everyone was leaving and he was hugging Katie and she was slightly crying, and for some reason I decided to be prideful, so I walked on the other side of the room past them with out a glance in their direction and walked into the kitchen confidentally. And I was all alone, so I got ice and then water and as I was drnking, Ben came in the other door and was like "Phoennixxx!" as in he knew what I was doing...(--) (avoiding him)....And then he walked over and hugged me which was wierd cause whenever I hugged him before he barely touched me and he made it 2 seconds long...This time it was an actually hug and it was longer, and I actually broke it off cause I"m an asshole who screws everything up and I was being prideful again. And I told him I"d miss him and I wouldn't really look at him, and I forced a smile for 3 seconds. And then as he was walking away, he's like "okay, well bye." and as he went through the swinging doors he turned and pointed and said "I love you."
And that was it. I said "I love u too." but I don't know if he heard me, I think he did. I told him I loved him a lot this summer. And he always acted like it was nothing, and I was just used to it cause I tell all my friends I love them, but with Ben, it was actually honestly something more, and I don't know if he knew it or not and I"m gonna be totally honest and be an idiot, but that was one of the best moments for me this summer and it really meant a lot (when he finally said he loved me too.) It felt as if one little issue had been lifted off my shoulders. Unfortunately I think I really do love him, which is bad, cause all boys do is break hearts now.....
I don't know....I am confused I think...see! I am confused about being confused!! How messed up is that??!!? That is so wrong.
Right now I am in a minor fight with John....I have o be really careful cause with the smallest touch this could turn into a very bad big blow out argument....and that is not something I need/want right now...(._.) He's trying to work it out. He wants to get together and talk, and get to know me better....but I'm so afraid to do that with him...I don't know why. I feel as if I am nothing....I am lifeless...that he is better off thinking there is something to be found, thand knowing that there's really nothing at all. He just got off...he said he's gonna call me tomorrow...I don't know what to do....I feel so messed up and scared..I think I have too many issues on my plate....I feel I have no personality.....And I don't know how I'm gonna be able to talk to him tomorrow....This isn't something I can just open up with on cue. The only reason he got me to tonight was cause I was run down and just , let it out. I have to many issues...I feel like I"m complaining...cause some of them seem so minor, but were so long -lasting an monotonous that they just wore a hole in me. I feel like I lost everything this summer and only gained a couple of things that can't help me now....
The tip of my thumb....from my nail up, has gone numb. I sraightened Elizabeth's super curly hair for two hours Sunday night...went to bed at 1:30 and then woke up at like 7:30/ 8:00 and my hand was numb cause I slept on it wrong...but then the feeling never came back to my thumb in the area or my nail and above....and it's stil numb! We think I damaged a nerve and it'll take a little while to heal..but I"m worried cause what if it's permanent? What if it's something that will turn out permanent if I don't do something, but I can't do anything until I wait for my parents? It sounds so stupid, but it's stressful for me.
I am so tired...I need to go to bed...I have been getting to bed till 1:30a.m. at the earliest for a long time...and I"ve been waking up at 7:15/7:30 at the lateest for a long time...and I have work sometimes, and have been runnng around camp, and mentally and physically worn out.......so good night you all...I love you.....
Me and Ben finally had it out. A mini fight where he and Ethan and Rachael Brd pretty much attacked me verbally for absolutely no reason....And I was tying to remain calm and not fight back too much.....and they were just having an all out bashing on me...at 9:00 on Friday...the last night of Jr. Camp. And at one point he even said something like "I'm not gonna kill myself so he can't be happy or something." And he was saying it in a mean joking way...and I was so mad, that I just walked out....and then I was lying in my bed up at the staff dorm and I was like "U know what? I'm gonna talk this out...I will actually give that a try" So I went down and took him out of the downstairs...and attempted to talk to him. But we got nowhere, cause the whole time he acted like I was wasteing his time or something, and then he ended it with "Well, I better go and get 3ft. away from u." (cause of the whole piggy back, 3ft. restraint crap) and I was like "Shut up, that's such an excuse..." And then I was angry and blew up and crap cause I had had the worst day of my life and then it had to be ended with that crap....So then I cooled off for a day or two and then I felt slightly sorry for him cause Sarah said that he has his own problems and what he's doing is not me, it's him totally and what he's dealing with...so I wrote him this note, and didn't say who it was from , and then he found it and I think he figured out who it was. And then We only had two days of Debriefing and he was nicer....and stuff,...to the point where he was hinting stuff at me again...like when we watched BraveHeart, he was like "Sit down! Enjoy the movie! When I was standing watching it" and he hit the pew he was on (we were in the chapel) and so I sat next to him....then 30. min later he has this blanket and he's like "You know this blanket's big enough for two...." So then of course I shared the blanket with him......and the next day (which was Tuesday) was when everyone was leaving and he was hugging Katie and she was slightly crying, and for some reason I decided to be prideful, so I walked on the other side of the room past them with out a glance in their direction and walked into the kitchen confidentally. And I was all alone, so I got ice and then water and as I was drnking, Ben came in the other door and was like "Phoennixxx!" as in he knew what I was doing...(--) (avoiding him)....And then he walked over and hugged me which was wierd cause whenever I hugged him before he barely touched me and he made it 2 seconds long...This time it was an actually hug and it was longer, and I actually broke it off cause I"m an asshole who screws everything up and I was being prideful again. And I told him I"d miss him and I wouldn't really look at him, and I forced a smile for 3 seconds. And then as he was walking away, he's like "okay, well bye." and as he went through the swinging doors he turned and pointed and said "I love you."
And that was it. I said "I love u too." but I don't know if he heard me, I think he did. I told him I loved him a lot this summer. And he always acted like it was nothing, and I was just used to it cause I tell all my friends I love them, but with Ben, it was actually honestly something more, and I don't know if he knew it or not and I"m gonna be totally honest and be an idiot, but that was one of the best moments for me this summer and it really meant a lot (when he finally said he loved me too.) It felt as if one little issue had been lifted off my shoulders. Unfortunately I think I really do love him, which is bad, cause all boys do is break hearts now.....
I don't know....I am confused I think...see! I am confused about being confused!! How messed up is that??!!? That is so wrong.
Right now I am in a minor fight with John....I have o be really careful cause with the smallest touch this could turn into a very bad big blow out argument....and that is not something I need/want right now...(._.) He's trying to work it out. He wants to get together and talk, and get to know me better....but I'm so afraid to do that with him...I don't know why. I feel as if I am nothing....I am lifeless...that he is better off thinking there is something to be found, thand knowing that there's really nothing at all. He just got off...he said he's gonna call me tomorrow...I don't know what to do....I feel so messed up and scared..I think I have too many issues on my plate....I feel I have no personality.....And I don't know how I'm gonna be able to talk to him tomorrow....This isn't something I can just open up with on cue. The only reason he got me to tonight was cause I was run down and just , let it out. I have to many issues...I feel like I"m complaining...cause some of them seem so minor, but were so long -lasting an monotonous that they just wore a hole in me. I feel like I lost everything this summer and only gained a couple of things that can't help me now....
The tip of my thumb....from my nail up, has gone numb. I sraightened Elizabeth's super curly hair for two hours Sunday night...went to bed at 1:30 and then woke up at like 7:30/ 8:00 and my hand was numb cause I slept on it wrong...but then the feeling never came back to my thumb in the area or my nail and above....and it's stil numb! We think I damaged a nerve and it'll take a little while to heal..but I"m worried cause what if it's permanent? What if it's something that will turn out permanent if I don't do something, but I can't do anything until I wait for my parents? It sounds so stupid, but it's stressful for me.
I am so tired...I need to go to bed...I have been getting to bed till 1:30a.m. at the earliest for a long time...and I"ve been waking up at 7:15/7:30 at the lateest for a long time...and I have work sometimes, and have been runnng around camp, and mentally and physically worn out.......so good night you all...I love you.....