update catch up....my epiphanies
Dear Journal and friends, it has been quite a long time since i have updated in my journal. i simply lost focus and priority of my time spent(which should have been a great deal more energy and time put into journaling as it is an irreplacable outlet for centering and clearing all energies in my mental physical emotional spiritual and etheric bodies). i am now finally committing to and understanding my unescapable need and purpose here to hop on and find my own very specific and individual spiritual path. And writing in my journal is an important force in order for me to stay on and focused and clear on my special path of growth and expression. i have grown to understand my extreme need to express and organize and process my emotions correctly as they come in order to feel comfortable understanding and utilizing them. i have recently experienced a great force of change, transmutation, and transition in my life. i am beginning to understand how important change is and how to let it happen without fear and anxiety of losing control when the stubborn notions and ways i am sure should be the only way for me to go through with will not lead me to the right path and to let the transitions change me and flow with them not causing blockages or stagnation through my own ignorance and stubborness and fear. but instead taking care of all of my essential energies and bodies in a balanced and freely flowing way. when i can accomplish this i feel that i will be able to get right on that path i am meant to be on so not only i can go where i am meant to and become who i am truly, free of blockages and negative energies, but to be happy and content by growing and connecting and being undeniably real and powerfully connected emotional healthy human and spiritual being. this is my goal my new years resolution... i have met soem incredible people to help me on my path and awaken my real spiritual self and true hearts desire and psychic abilities... i have changed so much than once it became more powerful i lost control from pains and fears and repression finally coming to the fore after so long of denial and ignoring.
for one thing, ive learned much about relationships and maturity and hwo to keep them healthy and being more confident and consious of not only my own involvement and actions as well as those of my partner. i started to change in spite of all the tryingand stressing and worrying and hurting i participated in involving my relationship. chris and i were growing apart and i was holding onto it and tryin to fix it in my way and it wasnt workign and i learned that i cannot change anyone else. but that i also learned i need to know when to stop and take a stand and let go let go let GO. all of my built up pains and emotions came to the fore and i had begun to not hold things in or repress true feeligns in order to make things work out how i thought i wanted them when in actuality it never would have worked out how i was doing it and when i let go........ it happened how it wa smeant to. i learned i cannot help someone until they are ready to be helped...and finally i learned that if u LET GO and put ur foot down and actually do something for urself that you need to heal or whatever it is that I NEED to just do it and not be afraid of hurting someone or changnig their path or whatever because what is meant to happen WILL. i knew deep inside that chris and i were having problems and i began to take that time to myself and worry not about HIM but for me because i had been burned too much and drained of all my energy that was positive. so i was going out with my friends doing what i wanted to do and nurturing my own personal life and not placing all of my hope for this dead relationship to turn to anything but the stress anxiety arguing and emotional destruction that came from it... so i went with my friends and it was refreshing and i did what i wanted and i lied a bit because i was afraid to share my feelings that i wanted to be free. of course my closest friends encouraged me to do this...because they could feel and see how muc i needed to be alone and not tied down to a destructive relationship which is what it had become. i had the strength to call off the weddding but i did not hve enough strength to face him and all his emotional manipulation and control from that he had over me. my heart and soul were weak and in pain and i felt fear and guilt of hurting him and breaking it off so i continued to ignore it and ignore it for a few months. i enjoyed myself and did what i wanted and needed at the time. or so what i thought. we lived together and bills sucked and he turned the whole problem of our relationship on me. i wa shorrbile because for once in the entire 2 1/2 years that we were together i went out and ejoyed myself without worrying about what he wanted or what he thought but i was burnt out of trying to make him happy it wasnt goign to happen. so with me cut off he freaked out andwas already depressed and unghappy with himself not only that but he was not realizing he was cutting himself off from his own mlife and living in misery and dragging me with him. i have never been one to be able to take a stand and control and end things for fear of hurting him so i stayed and suffered. until the arguing got worse him angry because now i wasnt making him happy and i didnt come home when he wanted to and he thought i just always blamed him for money lost and blls got later and harder to pay and work was harder and it was a complete pain and mess. so a couple different times in arguments ans emotionally draining ordeals of putting out emotion and trying to solve something but only ending in conflict aand defense and misunderstandings and overreaction and just plain drama spiraling getting nowhere. he would get dramatic and manipulative and end things "im done no more this isnt working out we go our spearate ways i can live like this any more" and hwen he would say that i would jump all over it andsay ok good i agree. and then he would get all emotional and say i dont care and i never did and im a horrible person this and that and it would make me hurt. after the final time he "broke up with me" he started to move his stuff out and most of me was releived. i just wanted him out and it to be over. well after than and some talks with my best friends i began to let go and process but once i saw that he was supposedly seriously about moving away (which he obviously was having troubles with because he was financially a mess without me and with me cuz he blew my money!) anyways that final relaization that he was done i started to grieve by crying. just wave after wave of seriously painful layers and layers of pain throughout of just emotion. bawling my friends said it was cleansing ad closure and all that and it was like nothing i have ever experienced....this was right b4 christmas of 04. after everything i been thru and already knowing i wanted to be free from this anchor in painfully murky waters was finally released i was emotional about it i didnt understand. durnig all this i also had a connection relationship with an old friend from before i moved out of my parents house, steven who was going thru the same thing but he dissapeared just recently and started to hurt me and i was learning to not be controlled and manipulated by my own fears of rejection and inadequacy and dependence. but anyway chris stayed around and i finally decided and so did he realize it that we should remain freinds and how hard it is to separate our things and our feelings but as i was feeling freer and closer to myself and my path i became happier but then chris finally started getting afraid that im moving on and realized in a very intensly emotional epiphany of his own that started with pain and fear and desperation to get back with me and wanting to workt hnigs out and what led up to him finally revealing all that to me he was only obvious when he just couldnt stop calling me wantingto ask something or it was always something. then i was finally like look i am not ready to deal with this just leave me alone bout it i had to stay at my friends house for almost a week after we broke up cuz he couldnt find a place yet.it took him almost a mnoth but we were not broken up but like 2 weeks before we started to hang out and talk and he came to me mostly for counsel and of course i want to help him and hes been such a huge part of my life and heart that i cant just let him go off and fend for himself alone hes like a fish out of water all alone and i knew it and me beign a compassionate and caring person i was there to listen but i continued to say i am not ready to be with u we are just friends . he was desperately sorry and wanted me but i knew it was not time and it was not right because yu cannot be in a relationship and give the other person what they truly need if u are worsely unstable and unable to take care of ur own needs. and this was rigght around th eweek of and after christmas. he ws alone and deressed and hopeless so i let him stay with me. at this time steven flew off to missouri to see his family and was shaking off his ex as well. i really loved steven we were awesome together. but he had issues of his own. anyway i stayed as a friend to help chris and we had sex a coupel times and i felt guilty cuz i still felt like i was leading him on but my true intent was to help him get on his feet without having to support him completely or financially. but his jealousy and all of chris insecurities were just bursting out of him and he was crying all the time and became angy and irrational alot of the time and it was very overwhelming. at that time i was feeling stronger within myself and more on my track by being alone and cleansing and clearing myself and understanding life and personal concepts that i wanted to share and build up chris because i saw real desire and real pain and real need in him. he was completely rock bottom emotionally he was openning up his heart and emotionas and pain flowed out all of which he had repressed inside and held in and parts of him that he had ignored and denied and he started to feelmthings more deeply and have panic attacks as a result and he would call me obsessively 50times and i would be busy and not answer the phone and he wouldm have a panic attack and melt down. and i always ended up there to help him until i finally got overwhelmed.. all the while my friends were like change ur number dont help him ruun away ur broken uup u dont have an obligation at all to this guy just ignore him and i tried to but deep down inside i just couldnt i had to go and helpp him even though he would cut me down and unconsiously try to hurt me or blame me or manipulate me make me feel guilty and i endured all that for some reason. part of me was like run u dont need this and sometimes i actually did when i had enough. but a huge strong part of me stayued there and put my energy into helping him and building him up. i felt i was ment to be there counseling him. for a while i have been his therapist. i had to endure him crying about how we need to be back together and ignoring his extreme insecurity and codependence. until finally he is realizing and understanding his strong psychic and emotional abilities and he was experiencing them intensely. all he needed was someone to understand and not ruididule him cuz he was ashamed and afraid of judgements and rejection. but i shed some light on what was going on and he became unusually for him, interested and drawn to the metaphysical side of life and himself especially. he became to realize what his psychic inclinations were and how intensely connected thy were to his emotions and feeligns and even dreams. his dreams became clearer and he began to have visions and hear voices. once we finally started connecting stronger and beign able to take the time to work out our communication differences we inspired each other to grow more spiritually and help each other. we have endured emotional stress and irritation like him calling a million times and me not answering but he has told me he has spoken to spirit guides (he didnt know what they were until we sat down togeteher and figured it out) and he has felt things and has discovered he has a keep visual and emotional gut feeling clairvoyance abilityand he had a guide come to him twice, the first time scaring him to a panic attack the second understanding him and calming him down and assuring him that more is to come if he is to beleive in himself. and pointed him in the right direction moreso through making changes in his thinking and behavior and responses in order to be open to more and so that him and i can help each other. he told him to tell me that i need to beleive in myself and stop doubting and get rid of my blockages. this happened when i went to albuquerque this weekend for work and chris stayed at my house (he ghas been moved out now for almost a month, but hes been spending alot of time here because of this new transmutations)he was watching the dogs for me while i travelled. i just got back last night but he ended up flying out to see me on saturday morning because we began to understadn each other more. lately we have been just incredibly enjoying each others company more and closer to each other than we have EVER been even both of us never with anyone else in our lives. we enjoy each other more and the little things are so important like sitting to0gether watching a movie shopping together, even reading together and being interested in the same kinds of divination and practicing meditation and going to the bookstore and doing palmistry and studying astrology and spirits and dreams and tarot its just everything i love and he now is so thirsty for it after experiencing even more realness of it that me!
ive realized about myself that i am very intiuitve at my best and i can feel things that other people feel and know things and understand on deeper levels and pick up emotions and energies uncannily...i have been overly repressed growing up which i already knew but on a more psychic and spiritual and emotional level than i ever knew or could imagine. if only i hone and develop and nurture and same with chris' extremely real and intense gut feelings and visions we are beginning to develop them. so now we have htis crazy connection we dont want to leave each other. the only thing about us thats rough is when we get drunk or emotional and argue and our communication gets rough and turns emotional too quickly...if we are able to do that then we can do anything and go far and become alot and also to stay on the right track because i can easily ge pulled into laziness and depression and anxiety and nonproductive destructive atitudes and give up easily but then dwell on it and stress and worry and stuff and same with chris so if we can stay into meditation and develop more ans more and cultivate our spiritual lives by reading books writign in our journals...meditating rituals saving money and travelling and working as well as playing eqqually and mainataing counselling and prayer and mantras and tarot and YOGA and seriously following my dreams and saving money and working hard and saving money and saving money and taking walks in the moonlight and having plants in the house and playing with my doggie and kitties more and keeping things in my house and life very organized and working out and getting massages and lightign candles more and taking salt baths more and cleansing my house and being more clean and organizes ditto ditto! collecting crystals and truly beign more emotionally and psychically aware and being more financially astute and maintaining a journal for my life and path and work as well becuase i just want to maintain my money in saving and spending better andkeeping nice things and not keeping junk and really saving money and definately fixing my credit and going to school and having a secure financial situation! and enjoying my life and having a richer life finiancially spiritually mentally emotionally and psychically. whatever happens in my life i pray to remember to always let it happen and never to fight it. if i have learned anything at all it is to not try and control your own fate or destiny pushing u to what is most right for you to do in order to achieve your hearts true desire and accomplish your lifes truest purpose!
In the name of the God 'I Am' call upon the energies of the universe for blessings. merry ye and blessed be for all to recieve greatest fortune, truest love, greatest strength, and purest light, for all time, under Grace,in perfect ways, SO Be It.
this is my newest mantra for overall betterment i too some of the phrasing like the first sentence except a couple words and the layout but my own blessings and wishes. it is a good mantra to repeat after clearing your mind and relaxing just waking up in the morning or anytime repeating 3 times or as often as u want helps to light candles or incence and or have crystals or plants or flowers or water around as well. good luck and light and love.....
namaste....
Natalie
i know most of this is a run on sentence but it is a freeflow of my thoughts
for one thing, ive learned much about relationships and maturity and hwo to keep them healthy and being more confident and consious of not only my own involvement and actions as well as those of my partner. i started to change in spite of all the tryingand stressing and worrying and hurting i participated in involving my relationship. chris and i were growing apart and i was holding onto it and tryin to fix it in my way and it wasnt workign and i learned that i cannot change anyone else. but that i also learned i need to know when to stop and take a stand and let go let go let GO. all of my built up pains and emotions came to the fore and i had begun to not hold things in or repress true feeligns in order to make things work out how i thought i wanted them when in actuality it never would have worked out how i was doing it and when i let go........ it happened how it wa smeant to. i learned i cannot help someone until they are ready to be helped...and finally i learned that if u LET GO and put ur foot down and actually do something for urself that you need to heal or whatever it is that I NEED to just do it and not be afraid of hurting someone or changnig their path or whatever because what is meant to happen WILL. i knew deep inside that chris and i were having problems and i began to take that time to myself and worry not about HIM but for me because i had been burned too much and drained of all my energy that was positive. so i was going out with my friends doing what i wanted to do and nurturing my own personal life and not placing all of my hope for this dead relationship to turn to anything but the stress anxiety arguing and emotional destruction that came from it... so i went with my friends and it was refreshing and i did what i wanted and i lied a bit because i was afraid to share my feelings that i wanted to be free. of course my closest friends encouraged me to do this...because they could feel and see how muc i needed to be alone and not tied down to a destructive relationship which is what it had become. i had the strength to call off the weddding but i did not hve enough strength to face him and all his emotional manipulation and control from that he had over me. my heart and soul were weak and in pain and i felt fear and guilt of hurting him and breaking it off so i continued to ignore it and ignore it for a few months. i enjoyed myself and did what i wanted and needed at the time. or so what i thought. we lived together and bills sucked and he turned the whole problem of our relationship on me. i wa shorrbile because for once in the entire 2 1/2 years that we were together i went out and ejoyed myself without worrying about what he wanted or what he thought but i was burnt out of trying to make him happy it wasnt goign to happen. so with me cut off he freaked out andwas already depressed and unghappy with himself not only that but he was not realizing he was cutting himself off from his own mlife and living in misery and dragging me with him. i have never been one to be able to take a stand and control and end things for fear of hurting him so i stayed and suffered. until the arguing got worse him angry because now i wasnt making him happy and i didnt come home when he wanted to and he thought i just always blamed him for money lost and blls got later and harder to pay and work was harder and it was a complete pain and mess. so a couple different times in arguments ans emotionally draining ordeals of putting out emotion and trying to solve something but only ending in conflict aand defense and misunderstandings and overreaction and just plain drama spiraling getting nowhere. he would get dramatic and manipulative and end things "im done no more this isnt working out we go our spearate ways i can live like this any more" and hwen he would say that i would jump all over it andsay ok good i agree. and then he would get all emotional and say i dont care and i never did and im a horrible person this and that and it would make me hurt. after the final time he "broke up with me" he started to move his stuff out and most of me was releived. i just wanted him out and it to be over. well after than and some talks with my best friends i began to let go and process but once i saw that he was supposedly seriously about moving away (which he obviously was having troubles with because he was financially a mess without me and with me cuz he blew my money!) anyways that final relaization that he was done i started to grieve by crying. just wave after wave of seriously painful layers and layers of pain throughout of just emotion. bawling my friends said it was cleansing ad closure and all that and it was like nothing i have ever experienced....this was right b4 christmas of 04. after everything i been thru and already knowing i wanted to be free from this anchor in painfully murky waters was finally released i was emotional about it i didnt understand. durnig all this i also had a connection relationship with an old friend from before i moved out of my parents house, steven who was going thru the same thing but he dissapeared just recently and started to hurt me and i was learning to not be controlled and manipulated by my own fears of rejection and inadequacy and dependence. but anyway chris stayed around and i finally decided and so did he realize it that we should remain freinds and how hard it is to separate our things and our feelings but as i was feeling freer and closer to myself and my path i became happier but then chris finally started getting afraid that im moving on and realized in a very intensly emotional epiphany of his own that started with pain and fear and desperation to get back with me and wanting to workt hnigs out and what led up to him finally revealing all that to me he was only obvious when he just couldnt stop calling me wantingto ask something or it was always something. then i was finally like look i am not ready to deal with this just leave me alone bout it i had to stay at my friends house for almost a week after we broke up cuz he couldnt find a place yet.it took him almost a mnoth but we were not broken up but like 2 weeks before we started to hang out and talk and he came to me mostly for counsel and of course i want to help him and hes been such a huge part of my life and heart that i cant just let him go off and fend for himself alone hes like a fish out of water all alone and i knew it and me beign a compassionate and caring person i was there to listen but i continued to say i am not ready to be with u we are just friends . he was desperately sorry and wanted me but i knew it was not time and it was not right because yu cannot be in a relationship and give the other person what they truly need if u are worsely unstable and unable to take care of ur own needs. and this was rigght around th eweek of and after christmas. he ws alone and deressed and hopeless so i let him stay with me. at this time steven flew off to missouri to see his family and was shaking off his ex as well. i really loved steven we were awesome together. but he had issues of his own. anyway i stayed as a friend to help chris and we had sex a coupel times and i felt guilty cuz i still felt like i was leading him on but my true intent was to help him get on his feet without having to support him completely or financially. but his jealousy and all of chris insecurities were just bursting out of him and he was crying all the time and became angy and irrational alot of the time and it was very overwhelming. at that time i was feeling stronger within myself and more on my track by being alone and cleansing and clearing myself and understanding life and personal concepts that i wanted to share and build up chris because i saw real desire and real pain and real need in him. he was completely rock bottom emotionally he was openning up his heart and emotionas and pain flowed out all of which he had repressed inside and held in and parts of him that he had ignored and denied and he started to feelmthings more deeply and have panic attacks as a result and he would call me obsessively 50times and i would be busy and not answer the phone and he wouldm have a panic attack and melt down. and i always ended up there to help him until i finally got overwhelmed.. all the while my friends were like change ur number dont help him ruun away ur broken uup u dont have an obligation at all to this guy just ignore him and i tried to but deep down inside i just couldnt i had to go and helpp him even though he would cut me down and unconsiously try to hurt me or blame me or manipulate me make me feel guilty and i endured all that for some reason. part of me was like run u dont need this and sometimes i actually did when i had enough. but a huge strong part of me stayued there and put my energy into helping him and building him up. i felt i was ment to be there counseling him. for a while i have been his therapist. i had to endure him crying about how we need to be back together and ignoring his extreme insecurity and codependence. until finally he is realizing and understanding his strong psychic and emotional abilities and he was experiencing them intensely. all he needed was someone to understand and not ruididule him cuz he was ashamed and afraid of judgements and rejection. but i shed some light on what was going on and he became unusually for him, interested and drawn to the metaphysical side of life and himself especially. he became to realize what his psychic inclinations were and how intensely connected thy were to his emotions and feeligns and even dreams. his dreams became clearer and he began to have visions and hear voices. once we finally started connecting stronger and beign able to take the time to work out our communication differences we inspired each other to grow more spiritually and help each other. we have endured emotional stress and irritation like him calling a million times and me not answering but he has told me he has spoken to spirit guides (he didnt know what they were until we sat down togeteher and figured it out) and he has felt things and has discovered he has a keep visual and emotional gut feeling clairvoyance abilityand he had a guide come to him twice, the first time scaring him to a panic attack the second understanding him and calming him down and assuring him that more is to come if he is to beleive in himself. and pointed him in the right direction moreso through making changes in his thinking and behavior and responses in order to be open to more and so that him and i can help each other. he told him to tell me that i need to beleive in myself and stop doubting and get rid of my blockages. this happened when i went to albuquerque this weekend for work and chris stayed at my house (he ghas been moved out now for almost a month, but hes been spending alot of time here because of this new transmutations)he was watching the dogs for me while i travelled. i just got back last night but he ended up flying out to see me on saturday morning because we began to understadn each other more. lately we have been just incredibly enjoying each others company more and closer to each other than we have EVER been even both of us never with anyone else in our lives. we enjoy each other more and the little things are so important like sitting to0gether watching a movie shopping together, even reading together and being interested in the same kinds of divination and practicing meditation and going to the bookstore and doing palmistry and studying astrology and spirits and dreams and tarot its just everything i love and he now is so thirsty for it after experiencing even more realness of it that me!
ive realized about myself that i am very intiuitve at my best and i can feel things that other people feel and know things and understand on deeper levels and pick up emotions and energies uncannily...i have been overly repressed growing up which i already knew but on a more psychic and spiritual and emotional level than i ever knew or could imagine. if only i hone and develop and nurture and same with chris' extremely real and intense gut feelings and visions we are beginning to develop them. so now we have htis crazy connection we dont want to leave each other. the only thing about us thats rough is when we get drunk or emotional and argue and our communication gets rough and turns emotional too quickly...if we are able to do that then we can do anything and go far and become alot and also to stay on the right track because i can easily ge pulled into laziness and depression and anxiety and nonproductive destructive atitudes and give up easily but then dwell on it and stress and worry and stuff and same with chris so if we can stay into meditation and develop more ans more and cultivate our spiritual lives by reading books writign in our journals...meditating rituals saving money and travelling and working as well as playing eqqually and mainataing counselling and prayer and mantras and tarot and YOGA and seriously following my dreams and saving money and working hard and saving money and saving money and taking walks in the moonlight and having plants in the house and playing with my doggie and kitties more and keeping things in my house and life very organized and working out and getting massages and lightign candles more and taking salt baths more and cleansing my house and being more clean and organizes ditto ditto! collecting crystals and truly beign more emotionally and psychically aware and being more financially astute and maintaining a journal for my life and path and work as well becuase i just want to maintain my money in saving and spending better andkeeping nice things and not keeping junk and really saving money and definately fixing my credit and going to school and having a secure financial situation! and enjoying my life and having a richer life finiancially spiritually mentally emotionally and psychically. whatever happens in my life i pray to remember to always let it happen and never to fight it. if i have learned anything at all it is to not try and control your own fate or destiny pushing u to what is most right for you to do in order to achieve your hearts true desire and accomplish your lifes truest purpose!
In the name of the God 'I Am' call upon the energies of the universe for blessings. merry ye and blessed be for all to recieve greatest fortune, truest love, greatest strength, and purest light, for all time, under Grace,in perfect ways, SO Be It.
this is my newest mantra for overall betterment i too some of the phrasing like the first sentence except a couple words and the layout but my own blessings and wishes. it is a good mantra to repeat after clearing your mind and relaxing just waking up in the morning or anytime repeating 3 times or as often as u want helps to light candles or incence and or have crystals or plants or flowers or water around as well. good luck and light and love.....
namaste....
Natalie
i know most of this is a run on sentence but it is a freeflow of my thoughts