upset*

[x0_dncjsb_0x]

you know i couldnt think of anything better than to spend my christmas with ALL OF MY FAMILY, and my friends... but unfortunetly someone doesnt want that to happen... thanks PAT... I really appriciate it!! you know it amazes me how someone could blame something on you that ISNT YOUR FAULT! I tried my damndest to try to help him!! & you know what it helped for a while, but you know what you cant delay things that are most likely going to happen no matter what you do to try to stop it... and let me ask you a fucking question, where in the hell do you get off?? YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR HIM!! but wait you were... ONLY WHEN YOU FUCKING WANTED SOMETHING FROM HIM.... and that came from his mouth, not mine, so you need to fucking get a life!! it really fucking hurts me that you make it out that your the only fucking person that is hurting through all of this... GUESS WHAT YOUR NOT!! YOUR NOT THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON THAT WAS AFFECTED BY HIS DEATH!! HE IS MY FUCKING FATHER, HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL?? DO YOU THINK I FEEL LIKE A BIG NICE GRAND PERSON RIGHT NOW...?? WELL NEWS FLASH I DONT!! YOU THINK ITS HARD WITHOUT A BROTHER?? WELL ITS 3 TIMES AS HARD FOR ME NOT HAVING MY FATHER HERE TO SUPPORT ME... AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW BAD I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND THINGS WERE DIFFERENT!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CANT!! THERES NOTHING THAT I CAN DO.... AND IF THERE WAS, I WOULD DO IT IN A FUCKING HEART BEAT, AND YOU SHOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW HARD THIS IS ON ME... I LOOK AT HIS PICTURES EVERYDAY, AND I CRY... I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP ALMOST EVERY NIGHT... SO IF YOU THINK I DONT CARE, AND YOU THINK THAT I AM NOT AFFECTED, THEN YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG!! YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW BAD I HATE LIVING WITH OUT A FATHER, I CONSTANTLY BLAME MYSELF EVERYDAY... I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, YEA THATS RIGHT... THERE I SAID IT!! HAPPY NOW!! IM GLAD SOMEONE IS, BECAUSE IM NOT!! IM SURE YOU KEEP ON LIVING YOU GRAND OLD LIFE... BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT I AM HURTING JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU... IM SURE YOU DONT FUCKING CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT!! YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, I THOUGHT IF I CAME UP THERE, IT MIGHT HELP ME FACE REALITY, BUT YOU WONT FUCKING LET ME... CONGRATS... HOPE YOUR HAPPY FOR PRETTY MUCH RUINING SOMEONES CHRISTMAS... YOU KNOW WHAT ITS NOT ONLY YOUR FUCKING DECISION, I WAS ASKED IF I WAS GOING TO COME UP THERE FOR CHRISTMAS... IM NOT GOING TO SAY BY WHO, BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE IT FUCKING MATTERS ANYMORE, AND I AM SURE ALL THE KIDS ARE GOING TO LOVE GROWING UP WITHOUT SEEING ME....HMM LETS SEE LETS NAME THEM OFF... DAVID, BRYAN, DYLAN, AUSTIN, RYAN, ASHLEIGH, MEGAN, HEATHER, KAYMA, JESSICA, BLAKE..... A FEW OF THOSE WANTED TO SEE ME FOR CHRISTMAS, HELL ONE OF THEM ASKED ME TO COME!! WELL I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS... BECAUSE THANKS TO YOU I WONT HAVE THE CHRISTMAS THAT I WANTED...

OH AND FURTHER MORE, IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE ME... MOM WASNT NOT GOING TO COME UP THERE... IT WAS JUST GOING TO BE ME!! BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU ALL BLAME HER... BUT WHY BLAME ME?? I TRIED LIKE HELL TO GET THEM BACK TOGETHER, BUT NO MATTER WHAT I DID, I COULDNT CHANGE IT!! I WASNT THERE... I DIDNT FORCE HIM TO DO IT... SO ITS NOT MY FAULT!! YES I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THERE THAT WEEKEND, BUT HE FUCKING LIED TO ME, HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD THINGS TO DO, AND THAT HE WASNT GOING TO BE THERE!! AND YOU HAVE N0 CLUE HOW Hard it was watching my father die!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!!!

SO THERE FOR DONT BLAME THIS SHIT ON ME, ITS NOT MY FAULT!! I TRIED TO STOP IT!! HE EVEN TALKED TO YOU ABOUT HIS FUNERAL ARRANGMENTS AND EVERYTHING, AND YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING!! SO THERE I HOPE YOU FEEL GREAT!!

ENOUGH SAID...