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time isn't simply there...x3
tyler begs me to forgive him through various children on the internet. i turn the other cheek. what guy calls a girl ugly when he doesn't think she is? what guy is a shit to a girl he likes? certainly no friend of mine.
today was the absolute worst day of my life. well, i take that back. but it sucked hard. i don't want to do my homework. yeah, i'm succumbing to insolent and immature whining because i hate my life. whatcha gunna do? i read the first three chapters of great expectations last night. interesting? hardly. everybody says that the text is hard to read. not the size, but the vocabulary. personally, i'm glad they've finally found a book that can speak my intelligence level. Charles Dickens may have written boring subjects, but he was a hell of a writer. So was shakespeare. i admire both of them. yup, i admire them. another one-- whatcha gunna do? so what if i'm nerdily saying that i admire to authors we are forced to be educated about. i don't really care, because they are amazing writers, and i'm told that i am too. so i guess that i should look at other amazing writers to get better... hence Charles Dickens and Shakespeare. Bite me.
Life feels so short. and i know... it's the longest thing i'll most likely ever do, but it feels so... SHORT. imagine. in a mere FOUR years i have to choose what i want to be. what i'm going to make a living off of. i have to figure out where i'm going. i have to figure out my destiny, before it becomes my fate. i feel so pressured. i don't WANT to grow up. [again with the whiney-ness] i want to stay a kid. i really do. i want to just stay in this little box that i live in, and have everything given to me. heh, too bad i don't know peter pan :p. i have to get married in at the soonest eight years. good grief, eight years. it's scaring me. i want to stay a kid and believe in true love... i want to stay forever dreaming of prince charming... instead of growing up and realizing the devestation of the fact that prince charming doesn't exist. and you know, i feel really aloof right now. i walk down the hall and i just feel... like i'm not there. i feel like i'm just kind of wandering around and i'm invisible. nobody talks to me anymore. i'm lost without all my friends talking to me. i don't have time for a life anymore. 50% of my day is school. 30% to sports, 20% on homework, and 10% on the computer... no free time. When we talk about what we like to do in our free time during spanish class [in spanish, of course], i will say i have no free time, but if i did, i would want to just sleep. surviving off of six or seven hours isn't fun, or pretty. i feel so horribly ugly these days. but that might just be because everybody tells me that i'm ugly. leave a lot of love, guys, because i need it. and if you don't, well that just proves that nobody loves me. i'm thinking about suicide lately. but i'm such a coward that i don't think i'd ever do it. i can't bear to picture mom walking in and seeing me dead. i can't picture my dad bawling when mom calls him. i can't picture my crushed little brother when he has nobody to annoy or play with. i can't picture all my friends at my funeral. or would they even come to my funeral? or would they just sigh in relief that i was gone? finally gone. but don't worry. i don't think i'd ever do it. if i do, i love you all so much. and right now i'm trying not to cry because i'd ruin my makeup. how sickening is that? i'm holding my emotions back because of my vanity. i'd know it'd be a bad move. i've got so much to do in life. i'm too busy to kill myself. sad, isn't it? the only think keeping me sane is the horses. i go to see them every tuesday. they're my comfort. i've come to view the barn as my sanctuary again, and not somewhere that is of danger. it takes my mind off of my problems, and i can focus for one hour on the divinity of these creatures i love so much. and i can focus on just getting over this jump... or just getting the horse to canter... i finally saw Sophie over the Christmas break. i don't think i've seen that kid crack a grin as broad as the one she was wearing on her cute little face when she saw me. she gave me a cute, handmade card, candy, and a toy horse ornament for christmas. she's another reason i breathe today. she's depressed enough without horseback riding with me. i can't see how she'd take realizing i'm gone forever. i have to start thinking positive. or else i WILL end up dead.
i was finally invited to a party [amazing, right?] alexcia's "surprise" birthday party at steak n' shake tomorrow. well, not really invited. she announced it, and said anybody could come. so i guess that includes me, right? and it's a start. she's so pretty. it makes me cry. cuz all boys care about are "how hott" a girl is at this age... and you know what? it's annoying. it's even more annoying to see the guy you've been liking off and on for about a year hang off of her every word and follow her like a lost puppy. yes, that's right, i do believe that i like Swin once more, though i can't be sure. i started missing him over the break... wierd? yeah, i know. we don't even talk anymore. a real heartbreaker. everybody told me last year we'd go out this year cuz we were such good friends last year. of course i have no classes with him. so it's just my luck. so much for that hope. another reason i want to die. no guy worth liking likes me back. i'm always in the back seat, and another gorgeous girl in the front. vainity sucks ass. what happened to the slightly pretty girls who had a personality? apparently they're "out of style" my bad. i wouldn't want to go out of style, now would i? [if you didn't catch that, it's sarcasm, my sweets]. i hope guys read this. i want them to comment too if they do. i'm interested in their opinions on this matter. better yet, guys, spill it all. i don't care if it's good or bad. Leave a comment and tell me what you really think about me. i'd just LOVE to see all your reasons why i'm just not good enough. and it sucks not being good enough, because i feel unsatisfactory. which means i feel like... shit. deep people must be out of style too. maybe i'm a little too deep for my own good. i'm drowning within myself, trying to find out what's wrong. but i don't know what's wrong. because everything's wrong. it's too hard to narrow it down.
now, about my day. anybody care to hear about it? today was lousy. i looked and felt like utter shit. my makeup worked, my hair didn't. murphy's law at work, kids. i forgot my bloomers. i had to wear ugly maroon soffes under my skirt. which left creases in my skirt because i had to roll the soffes 10 times to they wouldn't show. i woke up at 6:00, fell back asleep, and was shaken awake my mom. i wanted to wear a cute outfit today, but i had to wear my ugly cheerleading polo instead. in art class my painting sucks. in spanish, it sounded like a foreign language... [well, it is, but i mean... it was like a foreign language that i'm NOT taking.] Literature was okay. Mrs. Hempen's husband and kids make a mean chex mix. oh hell yes, she shared with us. they crush hot peppers and tobasco sauce into it though, and boy does that kick it up a notch. my mouth was on fire, but it tasted amazing. Science was so boring. i wanted to sleep badly, but dared not in case i was awoken by a yard stick slamming down on the table in front of my face. mr. powell's a loon sometimes. lunch was sucky too. i sat there, dumbly gossiped and recieved gossip. my "new lover" sucks. Tyler. yuck. or that's what i'm told, by an anonymous source. meghan and i laugh and this face, and i think everybody pities me. i love colin's hair, so i play with it everytime i see him. muahahaha! that's most likely my highlight. Colin. he's the sweetest kid in the world. oh wait. one other highlight, but that will come later. at lunch i forget to finish my algebra, so i hurry and finish it during Civics. Civics is so boring i can't keep my head up. PE was awful. i didn't feel like exercising. and they really need some mats. my hip still hurts from that hardwood floor. algebra was terrible. i got the first question wrong on survivor, and when i turned in my notebook, it was discovered that all of my quarter 2 notes had disappeared. i won't pass. so long to my beautiful A. i was hanging on so nicely too. and that was the cherry on top of such a suck-ass day. i don't feel like cheering, but i feel better talking with my friends a little. mrs. p yells at me. not cool. haley's a good base. she just needs work. soon we'll be better than ever. during halftime, i discover Chase N. [amazingly hott junior] is watching us. i have to squeeze my eyes shut and will myself to go on before just stopping and staring in awe. We finish, and he's staring right at me. ahhh! i pretend i don't notice. or maybe he's not staring at me. maybe it's emily, who's diagonal of me. Emily's beautiful. it was probably her. Chase N. was my highlight. i walk past, he looks at me for a sec and a smile and he turns back. i walk past again from the concession stand, running. dunno if he saw me. at the end of the game, we make eye contact, and my heart stops. good god is that kid hott. but he's going out with kelli estep. like i ever had a chance, but it's cool to dream. mom picks me up, i wave goodbye to everybody, and here i am now. oh woo-hoo. i know that you're just so excited. and now i have to go. because i really have to finish any homework that i may have not done. i hate walker and i hate my life. what else is new? david and mom are going at it upstairs. what else is new? i'm tired of my same-old, boring life. i wish it would change drastically. and i wish that i could erase all of the shit i've done in the past. but that's not really new either, is it?
x3Laur
it's there so that everything doesn't happen at once...x3
tyler begs me to forgive him through various children on the internet. i turn the other cheek. what guy calls a girl ugly when he doesn't think she is? what guy is a shit to a girl he likes? certainly no friend of mine.
today was the absolute worst day of my life. well, i take that back. but it sucked hard. i don't want to do my homework. yeah, i'm succumbing to insolent and immature whining because i hate my life. whatcha gunna do? i read the first three chapters of great expectations last night. interesting? hardly. everybody says that the text is hard to read. not the size, but the vocabulary. personally, i'm glad they've finally found a book that can speak my intelligence level. Charles Dickens may have written boring subjects, but he was a hell of a writer. So was shakespeare. i admire both of them. yup, i admire them. another one-- whatcha gunna do? so what if i'm nerdily saying that i admire to authors we are forced to be educated about. i don't really care, because they are amazing writers, and i'm told that i am too. so i guess that i should look at other amazing writers to get better... hence Charles Dickens and Shakespeare. Bite me.
Life feels so short. and i know... it's the longest thing i'll most likely ever do, but it feels so... SHORT. imagine. in a mere FOUR years i have to choose what i want to be. what i'm going to make a living off of. i have to figure out where i'm going. i have to figure out my destiny, before it becomes my fate. i feel so pressured. i don't WANT to grow up. [again with the whiney-ness] i want to stay a kid. i really do. i want to just stay in this little box that i live in, and have everything given to me. heh, too bad i don't know peter pan :p. i have to get married in at the soonest eight years. good grief, eight years. it's scaring me. i want to stay a kid and believe in true love... i want to stay forever dreaming of prince charming... instead of growing up and realizing the devestation of the fact that prince charming doesn't exist. and you know, i feel really aloof right now. i walk down the hall and i just feel... like i'm not there. i feel like i'm just kind of wandering around and i'm invisible. nobody talks to me anymore. i'm lost without all my friends talking to me. i don't have time for a life anymore. 50% of my day is school. 30% to sports, 20% on homework, and 10% on the computer... no free time. When we talk about what we like to do in our free time during spanish class [in spanish, of course], i will say i have no free time, but if i did, i would want to just sleep. surviving off of six or seven hours isn't fun, or pretty. i feel so horribly ugly these days. but that might just be because everybody tells me that i'm ugly. leave a lot of love, guys, because i need it. and if you don't, well that just proves that nobody loves me. i'm thinking about suicide lately. but i'm such a coward that i don't think i'd ever do it. i can't bear to picture mom walking in and seeing me dead. i can't picture my dad bawling when mom calls him. i can't picture my crushed little brother when he has nobody to annoy or play with. i can't picture all my friends at my funeral. or would they even come to my funeral? or would they just sigh in relief that i was gone? finally gone. but don't worry. i don't think i'd ever do it. if i do, i love you all so much. and right now i'm trying not to cry because i'd ruin my makeup. how sickening is that? i'm holding my emotions back because of my vanity. i'd know it'd be a bad move. i've got so much to do in life. i'm too busy to kill myself. sad, isn't it? the only think keeping me sane is the horses. i go to see them every tuesday. they're my comfort. i've come to view the barn as my sanctuary again, and not somewhere that is of danger. it takes my mind off of my problems, and i can focus for one hour on the divinity of these creatures i love so much. and i can focus on just getting over this jump... or just getting the horse to canter... i finally saw Sophie over the Christmas break. i don't think i've seen that kid crack a grin as broad as the one she was wearing on her cute little face when she saw me. she gave me a cute, handmade card, candy, and a toy horse ornament for christmas. she's another reason i breathe today. she's depressed enough without horseback riding with me. i can't see how she'd take realizing i'm gone forever. i have to start thinking positive. or else i WILL end up dead.
i was finally invited to a party [amazing, right?] alexcia's "surprise" birthday party at steak n' shake tomorrow. well, not really invited. she announced it, and said anybody could come. so i guess that includes me, right? and it's a start. she's so pretty. it makes me cry. cuz all boys care about are "how hott" a girl is at this age... and you know what? it's annoying. it's even more annoying to see the guy you've been liking off and on for about a year hang off of her every word and follow her like a lost puppy. yes, that's right, i do believe that i like Swin once more, though i can't be sure. i started missing him over the break... wierd? yeah, i know. we don't even talk anymore. a real heartbreaker. everybody told me last year we'd go out this year cuz we were such good friends last year. of course i have no classes with him. so it's just my luck. so much for that hope. another reason i want to die. no guy worth liking likes me back. i'm always in the back seat, and another gorgeous girl in the front. vainity sucks ass. what happened to the slightly pretty girls who had a personality? apparently they're "out of style" my bad. i wouldn't want to go out of style, now would i? [if you didn't catch that, it's sarcasm, my sweets]. i hope guys read this. i want them to comment too if they do. i'm interested in their opinions on this matter. better yet, guys, spill it all. i don't care if it's good or bad. Leave a comment and tell me what you really think about me. i'd just LOVE to see all your reasons why i'm just not good enough. and it sucks not being good enough, because i feel unsatisfactory. which means i feel like... shit. deep people must be out of style too. maybe i'm a little too deep for my own good. i'm drowning within myself, trying to find out what's wrong. but i don't know what's wrong. because everything's wrong. it's too hard to narrow it down.
now, about my day. anybody care to hear about it? today was lousy. i looked and felt like utter shit. my makeup worked, my hair didn't. murphy's law at work, kids. i forgot my bloomers. i had to wear ugly maroon soffes under my skirt. which left creases in my skirt because i had to roll the soffes 10 times to they wouldn't show. i woke up at 6:00, fell back asleep, and was shaken awake my mom. i wanted to wear a cute outfit today, but i had to wear my ugly cheerleading polo instead. in art class my painting sucks. in spanish, it sounded like a foreign language... [well, it is, but i mean... it was like a foreign language that i'm NOT taking.] Literature was okay. Mrs. Hempen's husband and kids make a mean chex mix. oh hell yes, she shared with us. they crush hot peppers and tobasco sauce into it though, and boy does that kick it up a notch. my mouth was on fire, but it tasted amazing. Science was so boring. i wanted to sleep badly, but dared not in case i was awoken by a yard stick slamming down on the table in front of my face. mr. powell's a loon sometimes. lunch was sucky too. i sat there, dumbly gossiped and recieved gossip. my "new lover" sucks. Tyler. yuck. or that's what i'm told, by an anonymous source. meghan and i laugh and this face, and i think everybody pities me. i love colin's hair, so i play with it everytime i see him. muahahaha! that's most likely my highlight. Colin. he's the sweetest kid in the world. oh wait. one other highlight, but that will come later. at lunch i forget to finish my algebra, so i hurry and finish it during Civics. Civics is so boring i can't keep my head up. PE was awful. i didn't feel like exercising. and they really need some mats. my hip still hurts from that hardwood floor. algebra was terrible. i got the first question wrong on survivor, and when i turned in my notebook, it was discovered that all of my quarter 2 notes had disappeared. i won't pass. so long to my beautiful A. i was hanging on so nicely too. and that was the cherry on top of such a suck-ass day. i don't feel like cheering, but i feel better talking with my friends a little. mrs. p yells at me. not cool. haley's a good base. she just needs work. soon we'll be better than ever. during halftime, i discover Chase N. [amazingly hott junior] is watching us. i have to squeeze my eyes shut and will myself to go on before just stopping and staring in awe. We finish, and he's staring right at me. ahhh! i pretend i don't notice. or maybe he's not staring at me. maybe it's emily, who's diagonal of me. Emily's beautiful. it was probably her. Chase N. was my highlight. i walk past, he looks at me for a sec and a smile and he turns back. i walk past again from the concession stand, running. dunno if he saw me. at the end of the game, we make eye contact, and my heart stops. good god is that kid hott. but he's going out with kelli estep. like i ever had a chance, but it's cool to dream. mom picks me up, i wave goodbye to everybody, and here i am now. oh woo-hoo. i know that you're just so excited. and now i have to go. because i really have to finish any homework that i may have not done. i hate walker and i hate my life. what else is new? david and mom are going at it upstairs. what else is new? i'm tired of my same-old, boring life. i wish it would change drastically. and i wish that i could erase all of the shit i've done in the past. but that's not really new either, is it?
x3Laur
it's there so that everything doesn't happen at once...x3