meet me on tha southside...
[12:36 pm]
whoops. i fell asleep lastnight when i layed down. i didnt mean to, i became so weak from crying, that it didnt really matter to me whether i stayed awake, fell asleep, or died. i know im not that great of a person. oh but i do try. i promise i do. im not the best at trying, oh but i try my hardest to try. why cant i make apparent, what i want to. why cant i just come out and say it? why cant i? because im a coward, and a loser. here... dustin, are you happy? i just want you to be happy. if you are happy, i wont even try to feel this. i cant take the akward silences in our conversations. i cant take it when i know you dont know how i feel. o.o maybe its just me... goshh. im finally trying to deal with the fact my dad isnt ever coming back, and i probably wont see him in heaven. i dont believe he went there, no matter what rebekah says. i know dad, and..i dont think he was saved. THAT DOES NOT MAKE MY DAD A BAD PERSON. He was the best dad in the whole world. he put me first all the time. i remember our "special days" where it was just me and dad, and sometimes we'd go to the lake or go to a movie and get icecream...i miss it. yeah sure, im fourteen now, but i miss it. i've started to think that maybe i didnt notice daddys imperfections. because in a childs eyes, their parents have none. like now, i see all of my moms, but before when she'd make plans to come pick me up, and i sat in the window 4 hours still after she was suppost to be there..."something must have come up." i always took up for my mom. always. i always wanted to live with her when i lived with my dad...i didnt know what was going on. i didnt know she was on cocaine. i thought that was normal. i saw it all growing up. mirrors with coke on them..and straws. i saw so many different kinds of pills. i saw everything. i thought it was normal. i thought me waking up to take care of my little brother in the middle of the night, was normal. me being seven years old. i thought it was all normal. but its not. i duno. sorry im sure you could care less about this stuff.. i just needed to talk.anyway, i woke up this morning with a migrane, and realizing i never signed offline...;o gurawr. im bored, like whoa. BOO! did i scare you? ROFL. i probably need to go take a shower, but im not going to, because..well i dont feel like it. gahh, my eyes hurt so much. ROFL I DIDNT TELL YOU ABOUT THAT TWELVE YEAR OLD THAT LIKES ME, DID I? ROFreakinFLMAyeO. His name is Jackson. SOOO FUNNY. Yesterday, I was like.. whatcha doin? and he said sittin here about to freeze, and i said im burnin up, and he said opposites attract ROFL. It was so funny at the time. this morning when i got online, to sign off, he's like.. "i like you more than a friend" hehee, i think its cute. gurr, i remember when i was twelve. O.O He's a cutie for twelve, hes a wigger though, LMAO. I was like you're cute, except for the wiggerishness......OHH OHH, and i've been reading chelsea's journal. ROFL, we are basically saying the same things in wach entry. ohh i love this song. "im screaming can you hear? or is this the end of everything i loved? are we destined for more?? Why can't you look me in the eyes and tell me what you want to. I know you want to so bad! But I've seen this all before. Things shouldn't have gone this far. We shouldn't have gotten so close." daphne loves derby<3 thank you so much for telling me about them dustin. because i love daphne loves derby alot -.- i think im gonna go.
whoops. i fell asleep lastnight when i layed down. i didnt mean to, i became so weak from crying, that it didnt really matter to me whether i stayed awake, fell asleep, or died. i know im not that great of a person. oh but i do try. i promise i do. im not the best at trying, oh but i try my hardest to try. why cant i make apparent, what i want to. why cant i just come out and say it? why cant i? because im a coward, and a loser. here... dustin, are you happy? i just want you to be happy. if you are happy, i wont even try to feel this. i cant take the akward silences in our conversations. i cant take it when i know you dont know how i feel. o.o maybe its just me... goshh. im finally trying to deal with the fact my dad isnt ever coming back, and i probably wont see him in heaven. i dont believe he went there, no matter what rebekah says. i know dad, and..i dont think he was saved. THAT DOES NOT MAKE MY DAD A BAD PERSON. He was the best dad in the whole world. he put me first all the time. i remember our "special days" where it was just me and dad, and sometimes we'd go to the lake or go to a movie and get icecream...i miss it. yeah sure, im fourteen now, but i miss it. i've started to think that maybe i didnt notice daddys imperfections. because in a childs eyes, their parents have none. like now, i see all of my moms, but before when she'd make plans to come pick me up, and i sat in the window 4 hours still after she was suppost to be there..."something must have come up." i always took up for my mom. always. i always wanted to live with her when i lived with my dad...i didnt know what was going on. i didnt know she was on cocaine. i thought that was normal. i saw it all growing up. mirrors with coke on them..and straws. i saw so many different kinds of pills. i saw everything. i thought it was normal. i thought me waking up to take care of my little brother in the middle of the night, was normal. me being seven years old. i thought it was all normal. but its not. i duno. sorry im sure you could care less about this stuff.. i just needed to talk.anyway, i woke up this morning with a migrane, and realizing i never signed offline...;o gurawr. im bored, like whoa. BOO! did i scare you? ROFL. i probably need to go take a shower, but im not going to, because..well i dont feel like it. gahh, my eyes hurt so much. ROFL I DIDNT TELL YOU ABOUT THAT TWELVE YEAR OLD THAT LIKES ME, DID I? ROFreakinFLMAyeO. His name is Jackson. SOOO FUNNY. Yesterday, I was like.. whatcha doin? and he said sittin here about to freeze, and i said im burnin up, and he said opposites attract ROFL. It was so funny at the time. this morning when i got online, to sign off, he's like.. "i like you more than a friend" hehee, i think its cute. gurr, i remember when i was twelve. O.O He's a cutie for twelve, hes a wigger though, LMAO. I was like you're cute, except for the wiggerishness......OHH OHH, and i've been reading chelsea's journal. ROFL, we are basically saying the same things in wach entry. ohh i love this song. "im screaming can you hear? or is this the end of everything i loved? are we destined for more?? Why can't you look me in the eyes and tell me what you want to. I know you want to so bad! But I've seen this all before. Things shouldn't have gone this far. We shouldn't have gotten so close." daphne loves derby<3 thank you so much for telling me about them dustin. because i love daphne loves derby alot -.- i think im gonna go.