Here I am.
I don't want to be cliche, but I got this wash of a feeling this morning.
The past few days have been a bit odd for me but that seems to happen from time to time. This morning was a culmination of the past weeks thoughts and ideas. I came across what I believe to be a true version of my own personal reality. In other words, my beloved mentioned to me that she loved certain core aspects of who I was, but I had a habit of trying to be compatible with everyone in ways that made me not actually me anymore. Thinking hard on this, I deiced to do a bit of a tear down on my sense of self, and I actually landed right where I wanted to be:
I feel like I know the answer to why I'm here.
The hardest part for me was jumping over the hurdle of accepting that I am not special, important, unique to a fault, or even significant in the universe as a whole. I am, however, and that's good enough. It has to be good enough, because it's the only thing I know to be true. You could throw any number of theological arguments to that, or even physiological, but I don't care, because I choose not to care, and I'm fine with that, whether you are or not. Simply put, I found my center, and my sense of self.
It's very difficult to really tear yourself apart and categorize what parts of you are you, and what parts of you are some form of compatibility layer. Some layers you need: the ability to communicate, follow directions, do things you don't want (I.E. work) and so forth. But, all in all, there's a core to each person, and no matter what you choose to do in life, you have to somehow make sure it meshes with your core.
As to why I'm here? I'm here to be here. It's not an issue of rights, or and issue of needs. It's not really an issue to me at all. What I do, who I talk to, where I choose to be, and where I end up are exactly what I choose them to be, openly or otherwise.
I love my wife, I love our son, I love existing, and I will try to continue to do so until I find it to inconvenient to try. Until then, I'm going to relearn some things. I hope a few of you will be around in some way to join me. For those who aren't, it was nice knowing you and for the most part I have to say thanks for taking your time to interact with me. May you someday find your place, if you haven't already.
-Chris
The past few days have been a bit odd for me but that seems to happen from time to time. This morning was a culmination of the past weeks thoughts and ideas. I came across what I believe to be a true version of my own personal reality. In other words, my beloved mentioned to me that she loved certain core aspects of who I was, but I had a habit of trying to be compatible with everyone in ways that made me not actually me anymore. Thinking hard on this, I deiced to do a bit of a tear down on my sense of self, and I actually landed right where I wanted to be:
I feel like I know the answer to why I'm here.
The hardest part for me was jumping over the hurdle of accepting that I am not special, important, unique to a fault, or even significant in the universe as a whole. I am, however, and that's good enough. It has to be good enough, because it's the only thing I know to be true. You could throw any number of theological arguments to that, or even physiological, but I don't care, because I choose not to care, and I'm fine with that, whether you are or not. Simply put, I found my center, and my sense of self.
It's very difficult to really tear yourself apart and categorize what parts of you are you, and what parts of you are some form of compatibility layer. Some layers you need: the ability to communicate, follow directions, do things you don't want (I.E. work) and so forth. But, all in all, there's a core to each person, and no matter what you choose to do in life, you have to somehow make sure it meshes with your core.
As to why I'm here? I'm here to be here. It's not an issue of rights, or and issue of needs. It's not really an issue to me at all. What I do, who I talk to, where I choose to be, and where I end up are exactly what I choose them to be, openly or otherwise.
I love my wife, I love our son, I love existing, and I will try to continue to do so until I find it to inconvenient to try. Until then, I'm going to relearn some things. I hope a few of you will be around in some way to join me. For those who aren't, it was nice knowing you and for the most part I have to say thanks for taking your time to interact with me. May you someday find your place, if you haven't already.
-Chris