Block of Non Sequitur
(Inspired very loosely by Slice of Sci-Fi, Wingin' It, Pop Culture, My Brain, and of course Alcohol)
It was a dark and stormy night. I was drinking Jack (Stargate) Daniel's (Stargate) Watermelon Spike (Buffy or Cowboy Bebop) and Bud (Kill Bill 2) Light and diet Montain Dew and water. What? Like I have to have class?
I was listening to the end of Wingin' It ep #34. The beer/alcohol was starting to kick in so it was time to get this blog flyin'
I sat Lotos style and, like a good Discordian, consulted my peneal gland. ... ... ... ... [insert trippy music here --oh, and some more beer]
Eris spake unto me saying, "Dude... what? You want, like a vision or something? You're not *nearly* drunk enough for that." See? This is why I'm not very religious. You gotta get well damaged for that freaky hocus pocus to really kick in. And then you can't do math or think rationally, and where's the fun in that!?
Spinoza rocks. He was on the wrong track about "substance", but he had it goin' on when it comes to resolving the seeming dichotomy between mind and body.
A Story Sort Of
Ok, so there's library, and in this library there's a librarian. She's just had an unhappy love affair with a domoneering Vogon. So she finally breaks up with him, that stormy nght, crying out her pains through the Sub-Etha phone. Now alone again, she goes back to her stacks--desoloate isolation from the outside world.
The cows attacked. The battle cattle had arsenals of rockets all over their bodies. Well mostly they just had some rocket guns strapped to either side, but still it looked quite impressive. They were no match for Conner McCloud of the clan McCloud teamed up with the Vampire Lestat. Rumors of undead vampiric cattle resulting from the slaughter were greatly exaggerated. There was one were-cow named Bessie, but that was an unrelated incident.
As the Peter, Winston, Ray, and Egon slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, Casey Casem contintued his boring drivel. You won't have to worry about having a hangover in the morning for there will be no more mornings. Well that's what you're hoping anyway. In reality, there are, I think, five stages to drunkenness and you're only on like level one or one point five. Of course, at level five you have to visit the Porcelin God and he's not really very warm to the touch so maybe it's not such a bad thing. Certainly it's good to be king. Like Mayborn. Just for a while.
What's Up, Tiger Lilly? "See, the thing about vampires," says Buffy to Lestat "is they're like Lay's potato chips. Ya can't slay just one." "They fight," writes Phillipa.
Meanwhile, in the Justice League of America, Batman was trying to not notice Robin rooting through his underwear drawer. The Wonder Twins try to turn into a fractal and die an agonizing and infinitely recursive death. So, in some small way, justice is served.
And the antichrist was just totally pissed. Falling around all pseudo-drunk. Cursing a blue-streak against God On High--so really, a pretty normal person by all accounts. Once, when he was very young, Mr Anti-Christ had this one chance to be really evil and destroy humanity, but he missed it, and now he was doomed to live out the rest of his days as a Normal Human. (Hey, if you had the choice--which would you choose?)
"Love is difficult," thought the librarian to herself. Maybe I should give Jeltz another chance. Just then she actually heard her ex-boyfriend only he wasn't calling her on the sub-etha phone, instead his voice was being broadcast out of every sounding board on the planet:
"This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the hyperspace planning council," there was some stuff about how a hyperspace bypass had to be constructed, "and regrettibly your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition."
"That right bastard," was the last thing she thought before all the molecules making up her body got melted down into their constituent components.
Animal crackers. Oz informs us that the monkey is cheeky 'cos he's the only one that gets to wear clothes. Willow thinks he's cute. I think she's cute. But let's face it folks, she shoulda been revealed as being bi, not gay.
My friend once let his girlfriend drive his car. She pulled out into an intersection without right-of-way and got run into by a woman that works at the local public radio station. A moose once bit her too.
Buffy and Willow get pissed trying to explain the Birds and the Bees to the doofuses at the Justice League who are all too 50s-TV-crippled to know any better. They go get some ice cream instead. Good plan. Teen angst is not your friend.
ERIS SPEAKS: When you listen to Smells Like Teen Spirit, you are tempted to think, "what the f*** is this fool singing about?" But what if, just what if, all the important answers to Life, the Universe, and Everything are somehow present in the teenage mind, but the teenager is unable to express this erudite, elaborate thoughts in between grunts? And when you get older you forget, of course. So, in that case then, the Truth is forever doomed to be unknown because it is destined to only be known to those that cannot express it. Bummer."
And somewhere, Mystem thought thinking about how the Mirror Has Two Faces. And then he thought, "well actually, it's not just two--two is not very just after all. No, it's more like reality is a diamond with infinitely many facets and each facet a point of view..."
Meanwhile, the Doctor was performing before the Three Gods of Ragnarock, and wth all the stage, showyness he could muster he said, "you ain't seen nothing yet" while he did something implausible with is center of balance. The Gods are not impressed. He throws an eye at them, and they growl and die like the Great Vampire before them. The Doctor strides out unharmed.
The Guide Mark II -- Panic.
Be wary of Final Solutions--they are not the same as Universal Solvent.
And still the Gumblejack held on. Corporeally, the librarian was no more. Incorporeally, however, she was still angry at Jeltz and so, sought him out to haunt him...
The Flying Spaghetti Monster allows his First Pirate to speak: "James Joyce? He was a pussy, man, he ain't got nothin' on this here peneal gland. Oh, would that soma were a realty. Arr! Damn that future hangover. It's like future tense but certainly not perfect and a lot more tense, but you can't sleep in them. And it's hanging over rather Sword of Damacles-esque. Arr! And that was an utterly useless song in Rocky Horror. What's up with that?"
And now it's not the First Pirate, it's just some bloke what got lashed to the rigging: "Change. That's the thing doncha know? See there's them what say `the more things change, the more they stay the same,' and then there's them that say `all things change given time.' So who's right? Well, it be obvious to anyone with half a watt of electricity runnin' thru their ever-lovin' skull that" (AT THIS POINT IT BECOMES CRYSTAL CLEAR IT IS MYSTIM THAT IS SPEAKING) "they are BOTH correct! Duh! And no, kiddies, on this iteration it is NOT merely a bloomin' matter of perspective!! They are BOTH correct. But the One that claims that Change is All is MORE correct yea verily. For Kansas is not wholely correct when they sing `nothing lasts forever but Earth and Sky.' It only appears to be that way if your life span is a very tiny fraction of a couple million years. The notion that `some things never change' is only true when viewed over a short range of time like several thousand years. Duh, verily. Similar, but different is that notion that love is eternal--unlike the `some things never change' bit, the `eternal love' concept is a total fabrication."
And the anti-christ chimes in, "I built a little empire out of some crazy garbage calle dthe blood of the exploited working class. But they've overcome their shyness now they're calling me `your highness' and the world screams `kiss me, son of god.' I look like Jesus, so they say. But Mr. Jesus is very far away. Now you're the only one here who can tell me if it's true that you love me, and I love me." (TMBG)
And the band played on... Mel had to go away. The Doctor had to keep living his life with his days like crazy paving. He got Ace anyway. It's a pity what happened to Roy Batty, but then life's a bitch. That's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated. (D.A.)
The Acid Queen grins, "Check out Peanuts the Later years, she says, "Linus and the Little Red Haired Girl apotheos into the Psilocybin Sultan and the Cannabis Queen. Now, if that ain't cool, then what is?"
THe librarian met an incorporeal Zaphod Beeblebrox I on her way up to Jeltz. She waved at him, he waved back. He had only been married 'till death you see...
The 5,6,7,8s sing about Sweet Cool Cats. The Cat is pleased, he says, "Waaaooow! I've never been this close to women before! It makes me wanna do something. I don't know what it is, but I want to do a lot of it!"
Sally Struthers speaks, "Do you want to start a new career? Are your severed heads not bifircating frequently enough or with enough fiduciary impact? Do you want to make cows explode? Sure, we all do. Are you only happy when it rains? Then get some salt and a plane and seed those clouds! Seed those clouds so they can pour their misery down on you!"
The Doctor stepped out. He got shot and fell over. Damn the luck.
The nested parentheticals begin to cloes. The final ENDIF is still a ways off, but yet it is fast approaching.
Relationships are mui difficile. We reach out acrost the Sub-Etha and the Sands of Space and Time and We touch Your Face and we say, "Hi" with a quirky smile that's not as comforting as it should be, with maybe just a bit too much longing, but then the song never comes out like you wanted it do, does it? Once the cards have been dealt out, you must play them. It's like the chess playing AI. On every turn, if its opponent did not make the predicted move, then the AI must start anew--start over as if none of what had gone before had actually happened. See, on every turn you are having to play whatever hand you dealt to yourself on the previous turn, when you maybe weren't being so careful as you are at this moment. And more--you have to be careful about what you might do on the next turn when you are once again feeling reckless. So it goes.
So, from all of us here at Aerosmith, the Doctor, the librarian, Zaphod I, the librarian, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the 5, 6, 7, 8s, the Cat, Sally Struthers, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, the Acid Queen, Linus, the Little Red Haired Girl, the anti-christ, a gumblejack, the Guide Mark II, exploding cows, Mystem (not Myst 'em 5), Sir Not Appearing In This Listing, and all the rest not mentioned, remember: The Light At The End Of The Tunnel--MAY BE YOU.