(no subject)
Why can't I fix my own life? I do so well helping other people fix theirs. Why am I the only person that I can't help? I am so close to giving up completely. I feel it inside. I am dieing. one small piece at a time. I am my own murderer. I can't blame anybody else, and I know that. But why can't I stop it? I can't I fix it? Everything I do just goes bad. Nothing ever works. And nobody listens when I do ask for help. Sure, they are there, but do any of them CARE? It sure as hell doesnt seem like it. What the fuck am I doing here? I came into the army to try to be a good father and take care of Jordon. And what happened? I turned out to be a shitty one. I dont get it. Why do things work this way? Why can I not get things straightened out? Yes, I am talking about my finances, but I am talking about more than just that. It seems like there is not a single part of my life that is not completely fucked up. I can't think of anything good about me....not really. Sure, I have a few traits that are okk, but nothing outstanding. Yes, I am nice...but that gets me fucked over, so in the long run that seems to be a bad thing too. But when I am an ass, I completely lose it and I am afraid of killing somebody...and I am not exaggerating that at all. I think I could be a good Soldier...but my mood changes so much that it varies. My mind is stressed so badly that I constantly feel like I am going to crack. Why? You name it. And it seems like even the smallest thing can send me over the edge. I just had to bite my tongue because I almost unloaded on the First Sergeant simply because he was getting frustrated because I dont have all my bills set up on allotments. How can he be frustrated? HOW THE FUCK DOES HE THINK I FEEL??? I knew I needed help. I have been trying to handle it without going to the army for it. It was my last choice. But I have been trying to get help from them for over a week now....I am so close to getting kicked out of my appartment that is isnt even funny. I just dont know what to do. I constantly wonder what it would be like if I just filed for bankruptcy and got out of the army and went home. Would I be able to start over? Would I be able to start a new life? Would I have to go to a new place where nobody knows me? I am to the point where I want to try anything right now...anything and nothing. I dont see an end in sight...for anything. I see my financial problems going on forever...I see myself being single for the rest of my life, going from one potential partner to the next...I see my son hating me because his father was never around to spend time with him...I have never liked myself. I dont know why, but I havent. People have asked me why before, but I have never been able to figure it out. But I think I am getting to the point where I can honestly say that I am starting to HATE myself. I dont like the feeling, but I dont know how to change it. Why can't I like myself? Other people seem to like me well enough. The ones that are important to me at least. What do they see that I dont? Where did I get this outlook from? I have had it for as long as I can remember. Nobody believes me though cause I hide it so well. Nobody ever really sees how I really feel inside unless I let them. I can count on my fingers how many people I have opened up to in my life....and NONE of them have been completely...I have only opened up certain things. I guess I am just afraid that other people will hate me too if they see all of me....but I dont know what it is that I am hiding. If there is something in there, then my mind is hiding it from ME too. I just dont know. And now I am craving alcohol soooo bad. I have never had cravings like this. Never. And I have gone a lot longer than a week without it before. I dont get it. I just want somebody to tell me whats wrong with me.