A Bleeding Heart
I just had a mental punch in the gut last night. I had went ouot on the road for a little while (not very far) yesterday morning. Then when I got back, they told me that I might be going out on the road again today...but this time several hours away. I was thrilled. I love being out on the road. It is dangerous, but I still love it. I got off work early to go to bed so I could be fresh for the morning. When one of my roommates came back from work, he told me about an IED attack that killed two soldiers and took the legs of a third. Being here a person heres things like this all of the time, but this time was different. This time it was somebody that we all see everyday. It was the first death that we had had from one of lower unit since December. It really hit hard on everybody. And it made me think about being out on the road. I still want to go, but I tmakes me wonder what would happen if I didn't come back. Who would it effect? How would some people's lives change? What would my son think? Would he even know who I am or what I was doing here? Is it worth it? These are the thoughts that are going through my mind. I know it is worth every bit of it to me, but what about to him? I don't know. And the worst part of it is the fact that I know that this is not the only time that I will be over here. I know for a fact that I will be here at least one more time...more if I wind up reenlisting. I am trying to find some way to easy my mind. A way to make myself realize and grasp the whole truth of this situation. The truth that I might not make it out of here....I don't know. How do people do this all of the time. If it was just me in my life, I would have no problem. Sure I would miss people, but I wouldn't be as worried as I am with Jordon. It makes a person look at their life and really analyze things and look at what is really important and what is not. Look at everything in your life. Which ones do you think you really need in order to make it through this world? Which ones can you not live without? Is there anybody in your life that feels the same about you? What would happen if you left and never came back? How many people would it truly effect? Would it be more or less than you thought before? What if you did come back...but you were crippled? How would people's opinions change about you? Would they understand what happened and why? The painful truth is that most people will not understand what it is that you felt to make you leave in the first place. Most people are too selfish and self-centered that they don't understand the idea of self-sacrifice. They don't know what if feels like to put their lives on the line for everything that has nothing to do with them. The complete terror that a person feels when he knows that every breath could be his last...that every time he talks to his family all he wants to do is tell them that he loves them and misses them. He clings to the phone as if if he holds it tight enough he can feel the person on the other end. Every word is that is spoken is recorded into his mind to be replayed over and over again until the next phone call. And when his time is up and the goodbyes are said, he holds the phone close so as not to miss a single breath from the other line. Not till he is confronted by a dial tone does he finally loosen his grip and place the receiver back in the cradle. Every night he lays awake thinking about home. What are they doing? How are they? Do they know where I am ? Do they care? Eventually he begins to question everything...the way that people feel about him; the way that the world thinks about the cause that he has volunteered his life to fight for. He even begins to doubt his own feelings about people. Maybe that is just a defense mechanism for when he returns and finds that eveybody has moved on and nobody is waiting with open arms like he hopes. That is how he protects himself from being hurt when he returns and finds that many things are the same at home as they are at war...an empty, cold feeling deep inside his heart; nobody waiting to hold him so he feels like somebody cares. His greatest fear is that he will return home and there will be nobody waiting there to love him. That is what a soldier fears. A soldier does not fear death. Death is not an uncommon occurance here. It can be looked at more as an escape at times, or another path to follow. The soldiers fear being alone and being shunned for what they are doing. Nobody understands, but everybody judges. How can people think bad about something that they know nothing about? Why do they have to blame the soldiers for what they are sent to do. Most of them have no choice. And those that do, do it for the very same people that criticize and complain about it. Why can't people understand why we are doing this? Why is it so hard to understand that even we need to be met with sympathy and love?