I hope I don't make anybody mad or upset anybody with this entry
Hmm, well, I am not sure what is going to be said here. Lol. I am just going to let things flow out. If anything bothers anybody, makes them uncomfortable, or flat out pisses them off...don't hesitate to tell me. I am apologizing now just in case. I honestly don't know yet what is going to end up in this entry. (this could be frightening...lol)
Well, here I am again, all alone again for yet another holiday. I don't think I have ever had a Valentine's Day that I spent with somebody that I cared for. Sure I had the one two years ago that I spent with Ayla, but that doesn't count. First off, I wouldn't exactly say that I was too much "in love" with her at that time. And then to add insult to injury, that was also the time when she attempted suicide while she was three months pregnant with Jordon. How can you truly love a person that would be willing to take your child's life, as well as their own, just because they didn't like some things about their life? Not me. I just wish I would have been smart enough to realize everything at that time. Maybe then I wouldn't have had so many problems. I don't know. I miss people at home so much, but I can't stand be there with so many people that all they want to do is talk about people behind their backs and smile in their faces. It makes me sick. I understand why people from other countries hate the U.S. Our people are a bunch of assholes. Of course, there are those that I really miss and I would love to be around all of the time...Devon, my family, one or two friends from TR, and of course Justine and her family. I hate being so far away from them. I get afraid that they will forget me or the way the feel about me will change. Also, I think some of them need to just get the hell out of that area...at least for a while. Tate's already going to be able to get out. I am glad, too. She needs to go and experience other parts of life. Sheridan will rot a person from the inside out. Everytime I come home I feel it happening to me...except when I am spending time with Justine. I don't know what it is. I have never had feelings that dtayed that long and that strong. Hell we even went forever without talking or even seeing each other, but my feelings never seemed to slack off. I am just really cautious about it all. For one thing, I don't know if there really is a chance of anything or not. I guess I am not going to be the deciding factor in that. It kind of depends on her and how she feels and what she does. I am also kind of leary of getting into a relationship anyway. Even with somebody I am in love with. I guess that is what happens after having issues in other relationships. There is only one person that I would even be willing to get into one with. I guess I am taking her advice...living by the one-night-stand rule, with the exception of one person. Lol. I love talking to her, but it is difficult to do on the phone...hell, it is hard enough to do in person. My mind just gets so boggled up. I am afraid of saying something wrong or being too forward about things. I guess it is a safety mechanism so I don't overstep my boundaries. Also, if I were to even have the slightest chance, I would want to go about this one at a more respectable manner. I really like her parents. they already feel like family to me. I don't want to do anything that would have them look down on me either. Although, I don't think everything that was going on while I was home helped any. I just wish I knew what to think...or what to do. I am just so afraid of messing things up. She is the perfect woman in my eyes. She deserves so much. I wonder if any man can really provide it all. I don't know...maybe things would be more clear if I was there instead of here. Maybe things would fall more into place. But that is the way my life has always been. Things have always been...hazey. I wonder if it is to do with my self-conidence and all that crap. My lower self-image and everything is how I am able to keep a fairly decent outlook in even the worst of things. The way I look at it is if you believe the worst, than you have no way to be dissappointed. Maybe I took it to a bit of an extreme. You know, it is really sad. There is not a single person that I know in the army (at least close to me) that I can even talk to about shit. I do so much for so many people. I help them with all sorts of problems, but still...nobody has a clue about what really goes on inside my head. Every time I try to talk to somebody, I spend more time trying to explain things to them or helping them with their problems, that I don't get any comfort or relief out of it. Everything just builds up inside of me. If I didn't have places like this to vent, I would just explode. I already find myself getting more and more edgy with people. I snap a lot more often. I am just afraid of what will happen if somebody is dumb enough to try to start an issue with me...especially on a bad day. I don't like losing my temper, but...I don't know. Maybe it is all in my head. I guess there is no sense stressing over everything that is happening back home. There isn't anything I can do about it...yet. But that's ok. I don't forget easily. I am not one to hold grudges against people who have done things to me. But when somebody does something to that hurts someone that I care for...I am not quite as forgiving. I already know of a couple of people that are going to be in for a bit of a surprise when I come home. And I know it is so hard to guess who. I don't think I even have to mention his name. Well, I had better quit before I get anymore worked up. I need to go to bed anyway. It has been a really long day and I have to be at work really early. Again, I apologize if I was out-of-line with anything I said. Just let me know if I was. And Definitely tell me if I overstepped any of my bounds. I just needed to vent. I will probably do the rest later in my trailer in my actual journal. I found it is a good stress-reliever. I need to try to write my poetry again. I always found that to be a big relief, too. I think it will be soon that I can do it again. I feel it coming. Hard to explain. Lol. But it might have something to do with the fact that I have been doing other kinds of writing. I have written a few stories and articles for the unit newsletter. Anyway, goodnight.