Separation
After some talking Brenda agreed for us to look at what we are going through right now with me not being allowed to move back into our home as a trial separation to last six months, during which we will work on ourselves as individuals. When six months is up we will look at where we are and how we have changed and decide whether or not to resume living as spouses or to formally divorce.
I am pretty happy about this. I am willing to concede that there are legitimate problems that need to be addressed in our relationship. I don't think they are severe enough to warrant divorcing over without at least trying to address them and each of us is having trouble addressing our own issues because it is too easy to focus on another's issue. So time apart could be a good thing that ultimately strengthens not just ourselves but our marriage.
I love Brenda and I want her to be happy. What I didn't get until too late was that she needs to be free to do things that seem bad for her to me in order to be happy. I'd lay guilt trips on her about picking up smoking again or wanting to get back together with Eron even though his actions often cause her distress. Both of which are hugely hypocritical of me since I have unhealthy habits and I am often distressed by her actions yest would give my best testicle to stay her husband. Hell, I have a great deal of affection for Eron myself and never wanted him to be out of our lives for good. I just felt like we would weather his satyr-like nature better if Brenda and I had a stronger foundation.
That leads to my other problem I need to work on. My feeling of patriarchal entitlement to be able to dictate what her priorities have to be. I was so wrapped up in trying to pressure her to see me as number one in her life that I made her forget why I was a good person to have in her life. She loved me just the way I wanted when Eron was not an issue. But she didn't necessarily love me less when Eron was around, her attention just wasn't on me and I would want it back and sometimes that would just succeed in making her unhappy about me.
That leads me to another problem. I have become too dependant on Brenda for my happiness. It is one thing to be happy with her and what she brings to my life, but an entirely different thing to lean so much on her as my primary source of joy, at least when my kids aren't around, that I have trouble doing my own thing, unhappy about being away from her for very long.
I may think of other things but that is all I have time for right now. I do need some sleep tonight. There are things I think she could stand to work on, but I have decided that concerning myself overmuch with what I think she should concern herself with is one of the bad habits I need to break. I will trust in her to figure things out for herself without my interference and worry only about how I am going to better myself. Now that I know I don't have to mourn the death of our marriage just yet, I can focus on what I need to do. Our marriage may still end but at least this way we have a chance to at least have an amiable parting, as I am committing myself to accept whatever Brenda decides on January 17th without hard feelings. Not that I could stop her if she put the final nail in any other time, but if she did I would feel pretty shitty about having to mourn our marriage while also being cast out on my own without preparation. I can rise to this challenge but it's a mercy that I don't have to while nursing my own shattered heart. No matter how skeptical she may be I am deeply grateful for the sliver of hope.
I am pretty happy about this. I am willing to concede that there are legitimate problems that need to be addressed in our relationship. I don't think they are severe enough to warrant divorcing over without at least trying to address them and each of us is having trouble addressing our own issues because it is too easy to focus on another's issue. So time apart could be a good thing that ultimately strengthens not just ourselves but our marriage.
I love Brenda and I want her to be happy. What I didn't get until too late was that she needs to be free to do things that seem bad for her to me in order to be happy. I'd lay guilt trips on her about picking up smoking again or wanting to get back together with Eron even though his actions often cause her distress. Both of which are hugely hypocritical of me since I have unhealthy habits and I am often distressed by her actions yest would give my best testicle to stay her husband. Hell, I have a great deal of affection for Eron myself and never wanted him to be out of our lives for good. I just felt like we would weather his satyr-like nature better if Brenda and I had a stronger foundation.
That leads to my other problem I need to work on. My feeling of patriarchal entitlement to be able to dictate what her priorities have to be. I was so wrapped up in trying to pressure her to see me as number one in her life that I made her forget why I was a good person to have in her life. She loved me just the way I wanted when Eron was not an issue. But she didn't necessarily love me less when Eron was around, her attention just wasn't on me and I would want it back and sometimes that would just succeed in making her unhappy about me.
That leads me to another problem. I have become too dependant on Brenda for my happiness. It is one thing to be happy with her and what she brings to my life, but an entirely different thing to lean so much on her as my primary source of joy, at least when my kids aren't around, that I have trouble doing my own thing, unhappy about being away from her for very long.
I may think of other things but that is all I have time for right now. I do need some sleep tonight. There are things I think she could stand to work on, but I have decided that concerning myself overmuch with what I think she should concern herself with is one of the bad habits I need to break. I will trust in her to figure things out for herself without my interference and worry only about how I am going to better myself. Now that I know I don't have to mourn the death of our marriage just yet, I can focus on what I need to do. Our marriage may still end but at least this way we have a chance to at least have an amiable parting, as I am committing myself to accept whatever Brenda decides on January 17th without hard feelings. Not that I could stop her if she put the final nail in any other time, but if she did I would feel pretty shitty about having to mourn our marriage while also being cast out on my own without preparation. I can rise to this challenge but it's a mercy that I don't have to while nursing my own shattered heart. No matter how skeptical she may be I am deeply grateful for the sliver of hope.