Somewhere I Have Never Travelled, Gladly Beyond - Chapter 15

[wyntermute]

I was stuck on this chapter forever - the chapter that wouldn’t die. But apparently a three day weekend and a bit of wine work wonders. Might need a bit more editing, but whatever. Maybe that will happen tomorrow.

Title: Somewhere I Have Never Travelled, Gladly Beyond
Fandom: Naruto
Type: Multi-chaptered
Rating: Pg-13
Pairings: Deidara/Sakura
Word count: Way too long 10,597
A/N: This isn’t the last chapter. The next one is.



Deidara was acting strange, Sakura concluded one afternoon not long after she’d become the village hero by saving the lives of the four unfortunate sailors. Not that Deidara wasn’t a particular brand of strange all the time, of course. This was different though.

He had little reason to be acting this way, Sakura reflected. At first they’d both been on edge, half expecting to have a handful of kunai flung at them at any moment. They’d waited anxiously for something to happen, something to tell them that they needed to run. But nothing came. No kunai, no shuriken, not even the slightest flicker of enemy chakra. By now, Sakura had concluded that she’d been terribly lucky and as long as she didn’t use chakra again, life could go on as before. Deidara should have returned to normal - if that word could be applied to him - as well. But as they sat around the kitchen table one lazy afternoon, she noting down the week’s expenses and figuring out their next grocery budget while he pretended to work on a commission, it was blatantly obvious that he was staring at her.

“Is there something on my face?” she asked bluntly, when at last she was too uneasy with being watched so closely.

He blinked at her, making no attempt to conceal that he’d been staring. “Could be, but it’ll take me a while to find on that forehead of yours, yeah,” he said, tempering the harsh words with a light tone and playful grin.

Sakura couldn’t help but smile. “You’re mean,” she accused, and swatted him on the arm.

“Of course I am, yeah.” He smiled easily, arrogant and self-assured. “But that’s why you like me.”

Sakura had to look down at her notepaper and scribble a few sums, unable to keep a blush from her face. “It’s not the only reason,” she mumbled, and as they settled into a comfortable silence she forgot that anything had been amiss.

++

Sakura was very worried indeed when the next morning the same thing happened again. She awoke slowly, stretching languorously and reveling in the warmth of the bed. When at last she opened her eyes she nearly jumped out of her skin. Deidara was already awake, watching her openly, his expression soft, absent of its usual air of superiority. With anyone else Sakura would have found it sweet that they watched her as she slept. Coming from Deidara though, it was a bit disconcerting.

“Um,” she said. “You’re kind of scaring me.”

For a moment he didn’t reply, only continued to watch her, and Sakura had to fight off the urge to fidget nervously. At last, he said simply: “Sometimes you twitch in your sleep, yeah.”

With that, he rolled over and was silent once again. After a few minutes Sakura could tell from his breathing that he’d drifted off and she was left far too confused for such an early hour.

++

She caught him watching her more and more, and finally she decided that something had to be done. Or rather, her temper decided it for her.

It had been a long day - ever since she’d saved the sailors she was in high demand by the townspeople, who now seemed to regard her as some sort of medical deity descended from the heavens. She’d thought the clinic had been busy before, but now it was unbearable. People came to complain of every possible ailment, real or imagined, and parents brought their children to see her even if they were the picture of health. Sakura didn’t dare use chakra again, but she did her best to help before sending the patients on their way.

And so it was no surprise that when she came home she wanted to relax and forget the stresses of the day. Had she stopped to think more carefully however, she would have known that a peaceful evening with Deidara was not a likely occurrence.

They prepared dinner in silence - that much was a small blessing. But as she diced up an oddly shaped local vegetable into neat little cubes, she had the unnerving impression that she was being watched. Glancing up, she shot a questioning look at Deidara. When their eyes met though, he looked back down, pretending to concentrate on the carrots he was peeling. Sakura narrowed her eyes but said nothing and went back to work. But this same set of events repeated itself over and over until finally she could no longer stand it.

“Look,” she said fiercely, her temper snapping, “I hate it when you do that! So stop it!”

“Stop what, yeah?” he asked as close to innocently as he could ever manage, but Sakura wasn’t fooled.

“You know what!” she hissed at him through clenched teeth, as all the stress from the day piled onto her confusion over his actions and she could feel her face grow hot from anger. “You keep staring at me! And you’ve been doing it for days! Ever since that shipwreck you’ve been acting weird - weirder than usual. It’s really annoying! Not to mention you’re kind of creeping me out. You’re being all quiet and I have no idea what you’re thinking.” She paused, finding herself out of breath, before continuing in a softer voice as she spoke the words mostly to herself, “I never know what you’re thinking.”

He stared at her again, and this only served to make her angrier until she saw that he was looking at her hand. Glancing down, she realized belatedly that she’d been pointing her knife menacingly at him during her tirade. “Err,” she said, setting the blade down on the table as her rage dissipated. “I just mean to say that if you have a problem with me, we should talk about it.”

He blinked. “I don’t have a problem with you, yeah.” And he went back to peeling carrots.

“I think,” Sakura began again, allowing a trace of annoyance to seep into her tone, “That we have some serious communication problems.” When he said nothing, she continued, “And if you want to keep this, this - whatever it is that’s going on between us, we need to do something about that.”

He made a little noise that might have been in agreement but didn’t meet her eyes.

“Because I would, you know,” she said boldly, before she could stop herself. “I would like to keep this going.” She swallowed and licked her dry lips nervously, and figured that now that she’d started she might as well spill it all. “Even though you’re overconfident, disagreeable, and sometimes you make me so angry - I still want to keep this going. I know things aren’t perfect and I’m not asking them to be. But I like this town, and somehow I’ve come to rather like you too, so...” Her voice trailed off as she searched for what to say next. “So I think we should work on things. A little. Because I want to stay here - with you.”

When at last he looked up at her, Sakura felt silly for having told him all that but she bit her lip, bravely held his gaze, and waited for him to speak.

“We’ll have to go home eventually, yeah,” he reminded her, although his tone suggested that he’d much rather set himself on fire than do anything of the sort.

She looked into his eyes, and whether it was his voice or his expression that gave her a moment of clairvoyance, she wasn’t sure. But it was undeniable that as they held each other’s gaze in silence, an understanding passed between them.

Had Deidara suggested weakness at any other point, he would’ve been in for the teasing of his life. But now Sakura swallowed down a lump in her throat and felt awful for not having noticed earlier.

“You’re upset,” she began softly, unaware that she was speaking her thoughts out loud. “You’re upset that we’ll have to go back.”

He looked away and ran a hand through his hair, pulling out the tie to let it fall loose around his face. “Of course not,” he began stubbornly, but when Sakura raised a skeptical eyebrow he hesitated. “Okay, maybe a little, yeah,” he admitted.

Sakura had a feeling this was an understatement, but knew his pride would never allow him to say more. “Is that why you’ve been watching me?” she asked. “Is it because you know we’ll have to leave?”

She’d criticized him for communication problems, and yet now she couldn’t bring herself to finish her question properly. Have you been watching me because you’ll have to leave me? But she couldn’t ask that, so she just knit her eyebrows and hoped he understood what she meant.

Deidara tied his hair back again slowly, as though trying to delay his reply. When he finally looked up at her the stray strands of blond hair were once again fixed in place, leaving nothing to hide his expression - more open and vulnerable than she’d ever seen. There was something heartbreaking in his face, and Sakura found herself longing for a familiar smirk, some hint of teasing behind his eyes, even wishing he’d make fun of her. Anything for a sense of normalcy.

“Yeah,” he replied slowly, and Sakura knew this was more difficult to say than he’d ever admit. “That’s why I’ve been watching you. I know we have to go home, but sometimes I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose all of this, and I don’t want to lose y--” He paused, his gaze flicking away from her for a moment before he began again, “This is probably the dumbest thing ever, but sometimes it seems like if I just focus on what’s in the present, maybe you - I mean, it won’t ever slip away and the future won’t happen, yeah. So maybe it’s a bit weird that I can’t stop staring at you - and pathetic, goddamnit, I know - but it makes everything seem like it’s going to be alright, if only for a minute.”

His words came more quickly as he continued to speak, as though all of his mounting thoughts and feelings had been locked away for too long, and finally when they broke loose he could do nothing to stop them.

“But I know none of that makes any sense and we’ll have to go home eventually no matter how much I stare and don’t want it to happen and hope for something impossible. We don’t belong here - we never will. Not using chakra is going to drive us crazier than we already are, yeah. I can’t stand not being able to practice my art, having to wear gloves and pretending to be ordinary, passing off scribbles as real talent. I can’t keep living like this, anymore than you could have stopped yourself from using chakra to save those men. And the next time you - or me, but probably not - slip up, maybe we won’t be so lucky. The next time they’ll find us and we’ll have to run again. We need to go home. We need to go home, and the longer we put it off the more -” He stopped abruptly, but Sakura could fill in all the possibilities: the more difficult it will be, the more pain we’ll feel, the more we won’t want to go home at all.

But none of that was right, she knew, because it would already be difficult and painful, and she’d stopped truly wanting to go home a long time ago.

Fully aware that this was the more honest outpouring of his feelings that she’d ever heard, and likely would ever hear, Sakura was at a loss for words. “That was like a speech for you,” she said at last, and promptly cursed herself for not thinking of something cleverer.

Her voice seemed to break the spell that hung over him and he grinned a crooked grin, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and it only made Sakura’s heart ache more. She searched for something reassuring to tell him but didn’t know what to say. Instead, she could only ask weakly, “What will we do?”

His grin faded and a look of deep weariness passed across his features. “We go home, yeah,” he answered simply. “It’ll suck, but what else can we do, yeah?”

Sakura wasn’t sure what she had been expecting to hear, but this wasn’t it. “That’s not very like you,” she pointed out before she could stop herself. “Can’t you think of something better? That’s so, so... defeatist.”

“What do you want me to say, yeah?” There was a note of frustration in his voice, and Sakura regretted her previous words. “That we’ll stay here forever and everything’ll be perfect? It’s not going to happen. And what are you worried about anyway?” he asked bitterly. “You have a place to go back to.”

She opened her mouth to answer back angrily, feeling the beginnings of an argument, but stopped short as realization hit her. He was right, in a way. It would be hard for her to leave, but it would be even worse for him. She had a home, a country, friends to rely on - she’d never be without an emotional crutch. Whatever pain she experienced after their time together ended would be infinitely worse for him. He had no one, and now that he’d found someone to be with it would be all the more difficult to go back to being alone.

“Where will you go?” she asked, and dreaded the inevitable answer.

“Where do you think?” He shrugged casually but Sakura couldn’t help but shiver. She could no longer bear to think of him in the Akatsuki. “I don’t have anywhere else to go, yeah.”

His words were bitter, angry, not at all like he expected pity. And so Sakura bit her tongue to stop the answer she wanted to give; she wouldn’t insult him by suggesting that he return to Konoha with her. She wasn’t that naïve either.

At a loss for words, she did the only thing that felt right. Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around him. He returned the embrace, bunching the material of her shirt in his fists as he held her tightly. She reached up to curl her fingers in his long hair as she buried her face in his shoulder and held him close - so close that she could pretend that maybe, just maybe, if they stayed like this everything would work out.

“We have to go home, yeah,” he whispered, tightening his hold on her.

“Try not to think about it,” she told him, her words muffled as she pressed herself against him. “We don’t have to just yet.”

Comforted by his presence, she held him in silence and enjoyed his warmth. Maybe later Deidara would be gone, but for the moment he was all that mattered. Maybe later she would be stronger, and facing the future wouldn’t seem so daunting. Maybe later they would know the time was right, and together they could face the difficulties brought on by their inevitable journey home. Reassured by these thoughts, Sakura relaxed her hold on him and tilted her head up to meet him in a kiss.

But in the end, the decision to go home wasn’t hers to make.

++

From the very beginning, Sakura could tell that the day was going to be different from most. She’d scarfed down her breakfast, given Deidara a kiss as he slept, pushed him away as he then tried to drag her back into bed, and dashed off to work. A light rain fell softly against the cobblestones, but Sakura’s years of training granted her the balance to avoid slipping on the wet streets. There were more people out than usual at this hour, particularly for a rainy day, and the signs in the shops were still turned to ‘closed’, but other than that everything seemed normal as she made her way to the clinic. When she arrived, however, she found that the door was locked.

She frowned. The clinic should be open - usually Alvara was awake by this time. She spent a few minutes knocking, waiting, and worrying that something had happened to the healer before a passerby approached her with some interesting news: no one was working this morning. From what Sakura could gather from the woman’s thick accent and awkward phrasing, there was some sort of festival going on at the harbour.

During her time in Cìen there had been the occasional fair or celebration, but never one that merited the closure of Alvara’s clinic. Intrigued, she made her way down to the port. As she passed by her house, however, she decided to make a slight detour.

As expected, Deidara was still asleep. Sakura stood in the doorway and watched him for a moment, a smile playing across her lips. Her absence in the bed had given him the opportunity to sprawl out across it, gathering all the covers into a tangled mess around him.

Seating herself on the edge of the bed, she reached out to twirl a strand of blond hair around her finger.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work, yeah?” Deidara mumbled sleepily and buried his head further into the pillow. “And stop pulling my hair.”

“There’s no work today,” she said. “Something’s happening down at the harbour. If you wake up we can go check it out together.

He raised his head so as to squint out the window across the room, before collapsing back into his previous position. “It’s raining.”

Sakura frowned at the tone of finality in his voice. “Well if you don’t want to go, I’ll just have to go by myself.”

She’d hardly stood up before his hand closed around her wrist. “Actually,” he began, all traces of sleep gone from his voice, “What I meant was that since it’s raining, we should wait a few minutes to see if it stops, yeah.”

She arched an eyebrow at him, fighting to keep a straight face as he grinned impishly at her. “And how do you propose we do that?”

Deidara, as it turned out, had a few ideas.

++

“Your plan kind of backfired,” Sakura noted when at last they set out to the harbour. What had previously been a light shower of rain had turned into a downpour.

“You can’t say it wasn’t worth it though, yeah.” Despite the way their hair stuck to their faces and their clothes soaked through in a matter of seconds, Sakura was inclined to agree.

As they approached the harbour, the streets grew busier. Huddling next to Deidara, Sakura shivered as they followed the crowd through the deluge. The area around the docks was packed. A large ship, one that Sakura had never seen before, seemed to be the centre of attention. She’d never seen Cìen this busy - the whole town seemed to have shown up, undeterred by the weather. Even shopkeepers had abandoned their storefronts and set up covered stalls to sell their wares.

Taking refuge under one of the vendors’ tarps, Sakura stood on her tiptoes to get a better view of the strange ship. It was larger than any other she’d ever seen; the mast alone was taller than any of the buildings in town. The sails were lashed tightly against the mast, but a single flag blew wildly in the wind - it wasn’t one that Sakura recognized.

“Let’s get a closer look, yeah,” said Deidara, his curiosity overtaking his aversion to the rain.

Sakura grimaced. “I’m sure it’s a nice boat, but I’d much rather stay here.” He blinked at her, so she added, “Where it’s nice and dry.”

Those were the wrong words, and she knew it the instant they were out of her mouth. Deidara’s eyes lit up, a smirk spread across his face, and Sakura resigned herself to the inevitable teasing that she’d brought upon herself.

Deidara opened his mouth and began to say something that Sakura had no doubt was a comment about her being a too delicate, weak, or an otherwise pathetic excuse for a supposed ninja. He was interrupted, however, as he was pushed forward suddenly. Behind him, a man winced as he realized he hadn’t been too careful while opening his umbrella.

Startled, he rounded on the man. “Hey! Watch it, yeah!”

The offending townsperson struggled to close his umbrella, mumbled apologies, and fled into the rain to escape Deidara’s glare.

As Deidara attempted to burn holes in the back of the man’s head using only the power of his gaze, Sakura turned her attention to the vendor’s table behind them. The girl tending the table gave her a friendly nod before greeting another customer. Noticing one of the items up for sale, Sakura tugged on Deidara’s sleeve. “Let’s get one of those,” she said as she pointed to a pile of nondescript black umbrellas that rested on one side of the stand.

Deidara narrowed his eyes, one corner of his mouth curving upwards in an expression that told Sakura she should be suspicious. “I’ll take care of this, yeah.”

She grabbed his arm before he could move away. “With money,” she reminded him, keeping her voice quiet but firm. “If I can’t use my healing chakra, then you can’t go around stealing things. What happened to keeping our heads down?”

“But you did use your healing chakra. And besides, I wasn’t going to steal it,” he insisted. When Sakura crossed her arms, unconvinced, he broke out into an evil grin. “In weather like this, giving them away for free is like community service, yeah?”

“Just go pay for it,” she ground out between her teeth, struggling to control her temper. As much as it was reassuring that some things about him would never change, it could also be equally frustrating.

She kept a careful eye on him as he approached the table. Deidara frowned as he handed over the money with great reluctance, as though it were solid gold rather than a few flimsy copper pieces. When he returned, she snatched their purchase from his hands and strode out from under the seller’s tent, now protected from the rain.

The docks were packed and Sakura found it hard to keep from bumping into people. Holding the umbrella as high as she could, she tried to strike a balance between keeping herself dry and not injuring others.

“Ouch! You almost took out my eye, yeah!”

“What a pity,” she said with little sympathy. Her patience wore thin as she was jostled by the crowd.

When the umbrella was wrested suddenly from her grasp, Sakura glanced up in surprise. “I’ll hold it, yeah,” said Deidara as he looked down at her, all signs of affection carefully hidden behind an unpleasant sneer. “Since apparently that’s beyond your capacities.”

He strode away quickly, muttering derogatory remarks about short people. Sakura shook her head in annoyance, but looped an arm around his to avoid being separated from her source of shelter.

When at last they stood before the ship, dwarfed by its enormous wooden hull, they were met with a familiar face.

Alvara stood beneath her own black umbrella, looking even more dour than usual. She nodded at Sakura in greeting, acknowledging Deidara with only a quick glance and a deeper frown. Sakura had little doubt that Deidara was ignoring the healer completely.

“Where have you been?” Alvara asked in disbelief. “How did you manage to ignore the excitement going on down here all morning?” When Deidara and Sakura were unable to keep glowing smiles from their faces, Alvara grimaced and added quickly, “Never mind, I really don’t want to know.”

Shoving the pleasant memories from her mind, Sakura looked up at the strange ship and asked, “What’s going on here?”

“It’s a tradition,” Alvara began. “Every year the town celebrates when the first ship comes in from another port. It’s a sign that spring is here at last, and the sea is safe for fishing.” Her face darkened and her voice was laced with bitterness. “Of course, it isn’t really. There’s still the occasional drowning or hypothermia case when someone is a little too careless - the waters are rough until the summer. But when the Captain comes around for the first time each year - he’s always the first ship here - it’s taken as a sign that it’s time to get the boats back out to sea.”

Sakura glanced over at Deidara, who looked equally puzzled. Turning back to Alvara, she asked, “Err, the Captain?”

“There’s no other like me!” said a voice from behind her.

Sakura turned and watched as the crowd around her parted in awe to make way for a man. Between the rich, exotic fabrics of his clothes and the jewelry and charms that hung from gold and silver chains, the man was dressed in enough colours to make a peacock blush. He grinned roguishly, causing the lines in his weathered skin to shift, and seemed oblivious to the rain that drenched his outfit and weighed down the long feather stuck in his hat. He bowed low and made a grandiose gesture with his hands as he swept off his hat in respect. His hair was soaked with water, but still the red mane shone brightly, the eccentric colour of dye thinning at the roots to reveal a faded grey.

“Ladies,” he greeted them smoothly, his eyes twinkling even as the rain caused his long moustache to stick to his face. Sakura felt Deidara tense beside her as the strange man fixed his eyes on her and completely overlooked her companion’s presence. “It is for encounters such as this that I look forward to my visits to Cìen.”

Before Sakura had the chance to protest, the man had swept up her hand and brushed his lips against it. As Sakura stood frozen in shock, Deidara’s anger became all the more apparent. “You must be Alvara’s protégé - the one the town is so excited about.” Releasing her hand and seemingly oblivious to Deidara’s mounting outrage, he gave her a charming smile. “Enchanté.”

“Err,” Sakura stammered, her sense of calm destroyed by the man’s actions.

Before he could notice her lack of a coherent response, the man had shifted his attention to the healer. “Alvara, like a fine wine you grow lovelier with each passing year.” He twirled his moustache and grinned broadly as the healer’s scowl deepened. “Each time I am blessed with a chance to lay eyes on you, your beauty and wisdom seem to have grown tenfol--”

“-Let’s cut the pleasantries and skip straight to business,” said Alvara brusquely, cutting off the man’s words. “Did you bring me those herbs I asked for?”

The man faltered, but quickly regained his composure. “I think,” he said proudly as he reached into an inner pocket of his vest and withdrew a small, paper parcel, “That you’ll find these to your liking. The tribes of the north reassured me that their own chiefs swear by the medicinal value of -”

“-What did you do to these things?” the healer growled as she opened the package and poked at the leaves inside. “Store them in your shirt these past months? They don’t even look fit to be boiled for tea!”

When not even this could faze the man, Sakura had the distinct impression that he knew the healer quite well. Well enough, at least, to know that he’d never get a kind word from her. It almost seemed that their exchange was one of long-standing habit.

“You have a keen eye for quality, as usual. But I can assure you that these herbs are of the highest grade. I am certain that under proper light they will withstand even the closest scrutiny. Come! No more standing in the rain!” Turning, he shouted so that all of the gawking townspeople could hear, “To the tavern!”

“Who is that?” Sakura asked as the crowd followed eagerly after the man.

Alvara gave a weary sigh. “That is the Captain - he has a name, but no one calls him by it anymore. He’s a legend around here, although by now most people have forgotten that when we were young he was just an ordinary fisherman’s son in Cìen. Now he lives on the waves, and every year he makes numerous grand voyages down the coast and across the sea, or wherever the wind takes him.”

“He’s very, err...” Sakura paused as she struggled for the right word. “Interesting.”

Deidara muttered something distinctly more critical under his breath, but Alvara continued without noticing, “Every year I ask him for near impossible herbs or medicines, and every year he brings them back for me.” The corners of her mouth twitched upwards for a second, so brief that Sakura wasn’t sure she’d actually seen it happen. “And every year I have to tell him they’re no good - he’d be unbearable otherwise.” She narrowed her eyes. “Besides, someone has to take him down a notch or two.”

For the first time since they had met the Captain, Deidara’s good-humour returned. “You are a hard woman, yeah,” he told her with grudging admiration. Alvara’s face went blank at this, and Sakura took the lack of an outright negative expression to mean that she was pleased. She also guessed this was the closest those two would ever get to reconciliation.

“And now,” said Alvara dryly, returning to the subject at hand. “You’ll see why his coming to town is really such a big event.”

Just before the Captain disappeared into the tavern, he turned and called out, “Drinks are on me!”

The cheers were deafening.

++

“This day has gone distinctly downhill, yeah” Deidara remarked as he sidestepped a tipsy man and barely avoided having beer spilt on his shoes.

Sakura nodded vaguely and tried to concentrate on weaving her way through the crowded tavern as the room seemed to blur and sway. Between the smoke in the air, the heat from too many people in a confined space, and the effects of alcohol - too much consumed too fast for the early afternoon - Sakura felt distinctly unwell. Stumbling against Deidara and cursing the Captain’s generosity that had led to free drinks, she held fast to his arm and bit back a moan. “I need to sit down.”

“You’d better not puke on me, yeah.” He eyed her warily but wrapped a steadying arm around her waist and guided her towards a table. Seats were in high demand, however, and try as he might, not even a pointed glare could convince their occupants to move. “Damn,” he muttered, glancing around for an open seat as he propped up Sakura.

“A lady in distress! This is a matter I cannot ignore!” cried a familiar, booming voice, and Sakura watched as Deidara’s jaw clenched in annoyance. Turning her head, she winced as the movement sent the room spinning. The Captain waved a hand at the man seated next to him. “Out of that chair! Where is your sense of chivalry?”

As Sakura was lowered into the now empty chair, she was dimly aware that Deidara knelt beside her and Alvara watched from across the table, raising an eyebrow in question.

“She’s a lightweight,” Deidara explained, a hint of teasing behind his words.

Sakura didn’t have the strength to argue. “I feel awful,” she groaned.

“Yes,” said Alvara without a trace of sympathy. “The local moonshine’ll do that to you.”

“Some rest fresh air and you’ll be fine!” The Captain grinned at her as he continued to down his drink. Even the sight of the ale sloshing in the glass mug sent Sakura’s stomach churning. “Like I always say, a bit of sea breeze will cure what ails you!”

Sakura didn’t quite know how to respond, so instead she squinted at the Captain and willed her vision to stop blurring.

“I’ve had passengers who’ve said that two weeks at sea is a better cure than all the medicine in the world.”

“Well I don’t know about that,” muttered Alvara.

Deidara’s evident dislike of the Captain vanished. He leaned forward and asked, “Passengers, yeah?”

“Of course!” replied the Captain. “The ship’s too big for just me and my crew, so we take on a few guests at every port. What do you say?” He wiggled his eyebrows, dyed the same bright red as his hair. “Are you and your ladyfriend up for some adventure on the high seas? We’re planning to travel south along the coast for a bit, since there’s a few good trading towns down that way. After that we’ll go all the way across the sea to the Fire Country! Haven’t been there in a while and exotic locations are always exciting. We’ll leave tomorrow morning, just as soon as we’ve got fresh supplies.”

The Fire Country. Sakura’s feeling of unease grew again and she swallowed uncomfortably. It wasn’t the alcohol this time. Instead, the Captain’s sobering words jolted her back to reality. A reality in which what should have been joyous news was twisted in the face of feelings. Before this point, Sakura knew that her eventual goal was to return home, but without a concrete way to achieve this she could push it from her mind. Now it was all happening too fast - the inevitable separation that she feared was suddenly impossible to ignore.

Deidara was silent for a moment as he watched Sakura. She met his eyes and willed this all to be some horrible dream. “How much is it?” he asked slowly, keeping his gaze locked with Sakura’s.

“Fifteen gold pieces each, or twenty-eight for the both of you because I’m feeling generous.” He grinned broadly and winked at Sakura. “And because it’ll be nice to have a pretty lady on board, of course.”

Unable to contain her emotions, Sakura exhaled shakily and returned the smile. The Captain seemed almost startled at this but beamed back, oblivious to what she was really happy about: they couldn’t afford passage. Although they had put aside some money each week to contribute to their eventual journey home, they did so half-heartedly. There was no possible way that their meager savings could equal twenty-eight gold pieces. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Sakura knew she should feel ashamed to be so relieved, but she could worry about that when the alcohol faded entirely.

“That’s a bit steep, yeah,” said Deidara, and Sakura wanted very badly to tell him to be quiet before he ruined her excuse to stay in Cìen. Her sense of panic rising, she felt her chest tighten. “Maybe we can negotiate something else?”

Before the Captain had a chance to respond, Sakura stood up, her inebriated state causing her to knock over her chair. “I feel sick,” she announced, neglecting to mention the real reason why. “Really, really sick. Let’s go home.” She cast a pleading glance at Deidara as he seemed confused over her sudden outburst.

“Can’t you just wait a little -” he began, but stopped short at the sight of her eyes, wide and sad and a little bit scared. “Okay, okay, we’ll go home.”

“I’ll be back later, yeah,” he said to the Captain, all previous hostility he’d held towards the man gone.

He nodded. “Take good care of her.”

When they stepped outside, the rain had stopped, leaving the air damp and fresh. The afternoon sun shone through the remnants of the storm clouds, illuminating the droplets of rain that clung to windows. Sakura took a deep breath, trying to dispel the feeling of nausea brought on by the alcohol and the realization that her time with Deidara was coming to an end as the situation spun from her control.

“Great time to feel sick, yeah,” Deidara muttered as he helped her walk, making no effort to guide her around puddles. “You’re never drinking again.”

Sakura turned her head to bury her face, hot with shame, into his sleeve and said nothing. She held onto him closer than she would ever have dared do in public while sober. It was pathetic, she knew, that she would do everything in her power to avoid returning to Konoha. To stay with a former enemy rather than return to life-long friends. She was being selfish too, robbing him of the chance to return to his art, giving herself and her own feelings priority above all else. Even knowing all this, she couldn’t bring herself to end their time together.

“Wait!”

Sakura turned cautiously, trying to ignore the beginnings of a headache. Alvara had followed them out of the bar and made her way towards them.

“I’ll try to talk him down in his price,” she said. “I know how important it is for you to get back home safely. It’s likely he’ll be here all night, so come back later and perhaps he’ll be less of an extortionist.”

Sakura gave the healer what she hoped was a thankful grin, although really this was the last thing she wanted to happen. Her inebriation, however, did not allow her to hide her true emotions entirely. Alvara studied her face for a moment. “You know,” she began, “He’ll probably listen to me. We go back a long time.” Her words were hesitant, as though she were divulging a great secret.

“We started out like you two.” She glared at Deidara, daring him to make a crack at her age or an expression of disgust. When he said nothing, she continued, “But we were very different people. He couldn’t live without the sea, and I wouldn’t give up my healer’s apprenticeship. So we went out separate ways.” She frowned, her eyebrows creasing. “But we didn’t really, you understand? Even though we exist in two different worlds, they always meet at some point. It could be every week, after a few months, or even once a year. We each have to do what is right for us, but if the bond is strong enough it never truly breaks.”

Deidara was silent and Sakura, in her tipsy state, could only wonder vaguely why the healer was telling them this.

“But what am I doing trying to lecture you? Young people never take advice, even if it’s good.” Alvara pushed her glasses up with a finger in an oddly self-conscious gesture. “Are you sure you’ll be fine to walk home?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Oh come on, I can be trusted enough to get her home safely, yeah.”

“Yes,” said Alvara slowly, looking Deidara in the eyes. “I know.”

Caught off guard by this admission, Deidara was stunned into silence. “We’ll be fine,” Sakura reassured her, hearing her words slur. “I just had too much to drink, and it was so stuffy in there.”

Alvara didn’t look entirely convinced, but gave them a nod. “Alright then, take care you two.”

She began to turn back to the tavern, but hesitated and turned to face them again. She sighed, and for the first time that Sakura had ever seen, the healer’s expression became almost sad. For a moment she seemed to struggle with her words, before finally she said simply, “It’s been nice having a helper around the clinic.”

Sakura swallowed hard and bit her lip as she felt her eyes begin to water. Alvara’s words had sounded too much like a good-bye. “What are you saying?” she asked, willing her voice not to shake. “I’ll be there again tomorrow.”

Alvara watched her for a moment, as though committing every detail of her to memory, and then said dryly, “Not with the hangover you’re going to have.”

++

Fortunately, Sakura found that Alvara’s prediction was incorrect when she awoke from her nap. She supposed she had Deidara to thank for that, although at the time she hadn’t been too thrilled as he all but force-fed her glass after glass of water. Stretching lightly, she glanced at the curtain-less window. From the darkness outside, she guessed it was the middle of the night. Oddly though, Deidara was not asleep beside her.

Abandoning the empty bed, Sakura went into the kitchen, where the light was still on. Deidara sat unmoving at the table, his head in heads. In front of him lay a canvas with brushes and paints set beside it.

“Are you alright?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” he said, looking up and shaking his head as though to clear his mind. “Just thinking.”

She moved to sit beside him and reached across the table to take his hands in hers. He tensed at the contact but did not move away. “It’s very pretty,” she said, nodding towards the painting on the table. It was a simple view of a row of houses, ones that Sakura had passed many times on her way around town. The houses leaned into each other, as though desperately struggling to stay upright, and the old, decaying wooden shutters were offset by the charming stone of the walls. The long shadows were edged with the reddish hues that Deidara’s palette usually favoured, and the layers of paint were applied in thick, bold brushstrokes.

“It’s not, yeah,” he said as he looked at the painting, more to avoid Sakura’s gaze than anything else. “But let’s hope someone thinks it is - we need to sell it.”

“Why?” she asked, ignoring the answer she knew, but didn’t want to accept. “We have enough money to get us through the week.”

“Sakura...” When at last he looked at her, his tone and gaze both warned her not to make this any more difficult than it would already be. “We need to go home. You know that, yeah. We can’t stay here forever - we don’t belong here. And now we’ve been given the perfect chance --”

“But I’m not ready!” she blurted out. Feeling herself blush at her sudden outburst, she added softly, “I don’t think I ever will be.”

“I don’t want to go either, yeah,” he admitted. “But we have to now or we never will.”

“That’s fine!”

“It’s not fine!” His voice rose in the beginnings of anger, but he checked himself and continued softly, “We can’t keep living here with the constant threat of detection. And what if we run into someone we know from the past? If we’re seen together we’ll both be branded as traitors. So we shouldn’t pass up this opportunity to go home. Somehow we need to come up with the money.”

“I know,” she said, suddenly feeling foolish. “I know we have to go home. I just...” At a loss for what else to say, Sakura set her jaw stubbornly and held his gaze. She knew that Deidara’s reasoning was entirely correct, yet she couldn’t bring herself to accept it.

“And why am I being the voice of reason, yeah?” Deidara asked, perplexed. “Things aren’t supposed to work like this. Normally I should come up with the brilliant, insane ideas, and then you get to be the wet blanket.”

Sakura couldn’t help but smile. “I think we’ve been around each other for too long and through some strange twist we’ve absorbed parts of each other’s personalities. I’m finally being selfish and thinking of myself for once, and stubbornly too - who does that sound like? And you’re concerned for our safety and futures. Not just yours, but mine too. That’s just downright weird.”

Her words tumbled out of their own freewill, mostly intended to be lighthearted and teasing, but as they materialized she wondered if there was not a good deal of truth behind them.

“Clearly you’re a bad influence on me, yeah.”

Sakura grinned halfheartedly, but forced herself to return to the more serious subject at hand. “It’s true though - I am being selfish. I know this, and yet I can’t bring myself to let all this go. I understand that we won’t be happy here forever.” Swallowing down an uncomfortable lump in her throat, she continued, “We’ve been raised to use chakra. We won’t be able to suppress it forever. Either that or I’ll end up letting someone die that could have been saved, or you’ll miss your art too much. In the end we’ll both be unhappy and that --” She struggled with her words, so full of truth that they were painful. “That will tear us apart.”

He nodded slowly. “So you see why it’s important that we go home, yeah? And it’s not like we’ll never --” He paused. “We’ll see each other again, yeah.”

“Will we really?” she asked doubtfully.

“Well,” he said, with the guilty tone of someone called on a lie. “We might.”

Sakura’s heart fell and before she could stop herself she felt her emotions show plainly on her face.

“Goddamnit,” Deidara swore as he took one look at her expression, the very picture of misery. “Don’t make that face. Of course we’ll see each other again.”

“How do you know?”

“’Cause that’s what I want, yeah, so I’ll make it happen.”

Sakura laughed at this, breaking the tension in the air. “You know,” she said as she regained her calm, “There really are no right decisions for us to make in this situation, only an endless number of wrong ones. There isn’t a single solution that will make us both safe and happy. But we have to make a choice all the same, and that’s awful.”

“It is, yeah,” he sighed. “But I think the best thing we can do is get together some money so that at least one of us can afford to go back.”

Sakura froze. “What do you mean by ‘one of us’?”

“Exactly that, yeah.” He glanced at the painting on the table, if only to avoid looking her in the eyes. “The most I’ve ever sold a painting for is ten gold pieces. If I can sell this one for that much or more we should be alright. We haven’t saved enough money to pay the full fifteen he wants, but I think I can talk the price down enough that one of us can go back to the Fire Country.”

Sakura felt a sickening feeling of panic and dread rise in her chest. This nightmare kept getting worse. “No,” she said flatly. “We’re going back together or we’re not going at all. How can you even think otherwise?” The more she considered his suggestion, the harder it was to keep her temper at bay. “At least if we both go we’ll have a few last weeks together, enough time to properly say goodbye and -”

“- and then when we get back to the Fire Country we’ll go through this torture all over again, yeah. Or be recognized together and get labeled as traitors -”

“Stop trying to sound so noble!” she snapped at him. “You keep saying this will be for our own good, and maybe it is, but I can’t bring myself to leave you so easily! Tease me about it, whatever, I don’t care. But you’re making this seem like it’ll be so easy for you and I can’t help but think that--” Her voice caught in her throat before she managed to spill her words. “Do I really mean so little to you?”

She regretted her words immediately, not only because they came out strangled and pathetic, but also because they destroyed all traces of the mask of composure worn so precariously on Deidara’s face.

“What are you talking about, yeah? Idiot.” His voice wavered as he tried in vain to control his emotions, but it was no use and Sakura could hear his heart breaking alongside hers through every word. “You know that’s not true, so don’t make me spout out crap about feelings and whatever - you know I won’t do that.”

He tried to make himself sound calm, dismissive even, but failed miserably. Uncertain what else to do, Sakura squeezed his hand comfortingly, feeling the familiar warmth despite the tenseness in his fingers as he held her hands a little too tight.

“This isn’t easy, yeah,” he admitted. “But I think you understand why we should do this.”

Sakura watched him for moment, taking a deep breath before she dared to speak. “I do,” she said at last. “I really, really do understand. But I still don’t like it and I know I won’t be able to leave. So you’re going to have to be the one to leave first. I know I’m being downright silly, but I can’t bring myself to do this. But if you want to gather together the money and leave tomorrow, I won’t stop you.”

As she waited for his reply, the sensation of dread drowned out all else; she held her breath, barely saw the room surrounding her, and didn’t notice the faint, nervous beating of her heart.

“Why am I always underestimated, yeah?” His frown was exaggerated, almost theatric, and yet it only partially concealed the deep despair in his eyes. “You think I’d leave you here, alone and with the constant threat of danger? My moral code might be a little less strict than your own, but really.”

“I don’t see how leaving me here alone is a problem,” she shot back, just to be stubborn. “Is it really any more dangerous than sending me out to sea?”

“Don’t start,” he warned with a growl. “I’m not leaving first, and that’s final, yeah.”

“Well neither am I.” Sakura clenched her teeth in frustration, but knew that neither of them would ever budge no matter how hard they glared at each other.

“You are so infuriatingly stubborn, yeah.”

“Pot calling the kettle bl-”

“-Don’t say it. I know, I know.”

As they fell into silence, Sakura sighed and considered her options. They were at an impasse and she was at a loss for what to do. Deep down she knew she had to leave Cìen, leave him, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to do it. But at the same time, she was realistic enough to know that even if she stayed and was happy for a while there would eventually come a time when she would feel remorse or guilt for having abandoned her home. Both choices came with high prices, and Sakura found herself unwilling to make the final decision.

Fully aware that her inner self was throwing a fit over her pathetic inability to decide, Sakura considered her options. She wouldn’t leave of her own free will, yet she needed to. With these thoughts circling through her head, Sakura quickly became frustrated. Everything would be so much easier if there was someone to decide for her, and it wasn’t fair in the first place that she had to choose between her old life and her new one.

“Anyway, you’re going home, yeah. There are so many reasons why you have to. You know it’s for the best so stop being stubborn. Don’t make me...” His words trailed off as he was unable to voice empty threats.

As her gaze snapped back to meet his, Sakura’s temper flared. He was only suggesting the most logical solution, but it hurt to know that his feelings for her didn’t override his judgment. Maybe he was right, but the way he kept pushing her to leave made her feel as though his feelings towards her weren’t very strong. But if he really wanted her to leave, she thought irrationally, it would take more than words.

“Don’t make you do what?” she asked harshly, projecting far more confidence than she actually had. “You know it’ll take more than that to make me listen to you. So if you really want me gone as much as you seem to, then make me.”

She watched him swallow slowly, almost nervously, his eyes widening slightly as he anticipated her words. To his credit he didn’t plead with her, didn’t beg her not to say it, only waited in silent dread for the blow to fall. It wasn’t easy for her to continue but he took no pity on her so with a sharp spike of anger and injustice Sakura found that she could offer none to him.

“Just try to make me leave. I dare you.”

He sat frozen, unable to move as her challenge rang in the air.

“Just try it,” she repeated, standing so as to look down on him. “If you want me to go so badly, you’ll have to make me.”

Her temper had always been her weak point, and perhaps it was his as well. He stood slowly and held her gaze as she clenched her teeth, her face going pink from anger. “You don’t mean that, yeah.” His voice was low and dangerous; it was a tone she hadn’t heard in a long time.

His warning was one that she should have heeded - should have known not to push him further - but she was worried, frustrated, heartbroken and upset, and as all of this combined she found that it was now her anger that controlled her words. “I dare you,” she continued, her voice rising even as it broke with emotion. “Make me go if that’s what you want so much - because otherwise I won’t.”

She drew in a shaky breath, too upset to be ashamed or even notice that tears had spilled from her eyes. With her challenge issued, she could do nothing but wait for his answer. She could see that he was tense, fraught with the same difficult feelings that she was and just as caught by his temper.

“Goddamnit,” he swore.

Sakura was about to shout at him again, complain that now was the time for him to be more articulate than that, but she wasn’t given the chance.

Before she could react, he stepped forward and pulled her into a kiss. It was like none other they had ever shared - except perhaps that first truly passionate kiss in the alleyway, as for a moment neither of them was aware of anything but each other.

As he kissed her, Sakura was pushed uncomfortably up against the table. The only thing that kept her from falling back over it was his hands - one wound tightly in her hair, the other holding her firmly around the waist. The force of their collision with the table sent paints and brushes clattering off the edge onto the floor, but all of this went unnoticed. The only thing that Sakura could truly register was that she was here with him and while he would never admit his feelings through words, in moments like this she understood him all too well.

She returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him as tight as she could as she blinked away tears. For once she didn’t mind that he hadn’t voiced his feelings because this was better than words could ever be, and she swore that through the desperation of his embrace and the feel of his lips, still dry from the harsh winter wind, she understood every ounce of despair, anger, and care that he poured into that moment.

The kiss might have lasted seconds or hours, she had no way of knowing. But the time didn’t matter, only the feeling, and Sakura would later feel awful for at that moment thinking that if this were her first, last, and only kiss with him she would be satisfied.

When at last he broke away, he looked at her with such emotion in his eyes - that shade of blue she would never forget - that Sakura felt her tears rise up again.

“Sakura, I -” He stopped suddenly, and she held her breath.

Was he about to say what she thought he was? Those three words? Was he, who rarely admitted to his feelings, finally going to confess what she now felt so certainly? It almost seemed impossible. And yet, as she held his gaze she could think of nothing else.

He watched her in silence, his gaze intense, as though she was the only thing that mattered and he was locking away this moment forever in his memories. Sakura could only watch back, unaware of the passage of time as she anticipated his words.

Finally, he said: “I’m sorry.”

This should have caused her to wonder - during all their months together he had never apologized for anything. Or at least, she should have been disappointed - it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Maybe she should even have been confused, because after a kiss like that what did he have to be sorry for? And if she’d had a moment to think about it, perhaps she should have seen it coming - she knew him better than this, and by now she should have known that he didn’t take challenges lightly.

But Sakura didn’t have the chance to think any of this, because as she heard his words and kept her eyes locked with his, her world went black.

++

The first thing Sakura noticed when she awoke was her splitting headache. The second was that the room was moving.

She groaned and opened her eyes to unfamiliar surroundings, feeling her stomach lurch as the room swayed again. Her back was stiff from the uncomfortable cot she was stretched across, and the wooden walls were of no place she recognized. Even the window above the bed was odd - small and round, just like one that would be on a -

“You’re awake at last. I was starting to worry.”

Startled, she whipped her head around and tried to focus on the source of the voice. The sudden movement, however, only succeeded in making her headache worse. Wincing at the sharp pain, she tried to focus her vision on the figure seated next to her bed. Without his elaborate outfit and eccentric jewelry, Sakura had a hard time recognizing the man.

“You’ve been out for a whole day,” the Captain explained gently, his voice lacking the energy and mirth that Sakura had heard before in Cìen. Even his clothing was toned down, as he was now dressed in a plain white shirt with a pair of worn cotton pants - an outfit for a man at sea, one who didn’t need to show off in front of only his crew.

Confused, Sakura touched a hand to the back of her head, hissing softly as she pressed against a tender area. “What happened? Where am I?” She needed to ask it, even as the answer was all too clear.

The man was silent for a moment, as though dreading to be the bearer of bad news. “You’re on my ship, sailing towards the Fire Country.”

Sakura didn’t react - how could she when she half didn’t believe it? - so the Captain said gently, “That young man, the blond one, he paid for your passage. I thought at first it was him who was leaving, and that was why he --” His voice broke off suddenly, but he continued, “I figured that was why he seemed so sad. It wasn’t until we were already a few leagues out that we knocked on the cabin door and found you here instead.”

Sakura swallowed hard and glanced down, staring at her hands as they clenched the thin blanket on the cot. A sharp pang of nausea hit her, but she couldn’t tell whether it was from her emotions or the gentle swaying of the ship.

“I won’t ask anything,” the Captain said, his face suddenly showing its age as his eyes reflected the wisdom and sympathy of someone who had lived through similar experiences. “Why he did it or how you two mysterious strangers ended up in Cìen - we’re all entitled to our secrets. But if it makes you feel any better - no, those aren’t the right words. Just believe me when I say: the last time I saw him, it looked like he was about to do the hardest thing he’d ever done.”

Sakura nodded slightly, afraid to speak in case her voice betrayed her. But she felt her lip begin to tremble and her eyes water and suddenly she couldn’t bear to be in the stuffy cabin any longer.

Throwing off the sheet that had been tucked around her, she bolted from the room, leaving the man stunned in her wake. The corridor outside the cabin was lined with dark wooden planks, and Sakura found that she could believe less and less that this was all some terrible dream. She ran to the end of the hall and bounded up the steps, two at a time in her haste to get outside.

When she threw open the door, not even the shock of the cool sea air could faze her. She flung herself against the handrail, the wood cold and damp but offering a reassuring support beneath her hands.

“I didn’t mean it!” she shouted at the sea, but her voice only carried out over the waves and she was left with no reply.

“I didn’t mean it,” she repeated weakly, but it was too late.

Her breath was short, panicked, and her mind raced to find some understanding in the situation. She didn’t know what she was feeling - it was all too much for her to sort out. There was anger there, that much was undeniable, but her emotions ran deeper than that. It was too difficult, too sudden for her to comprehend though, so she focused on her rage and grit her teeth.

She was at a loss for what to do next, how to handle the situation, so she said the first thing that came to mind. “I am so going to kill him,” she said to herself with conviction, but was then hit by a sudden thought. When? When would she be able to wring his neck now that she was sailing back to the Fire Country and he was a continent away?

Gradually she became aware of the cold, of the smell of the sea, of the creaking of the wooden ship, the sound of the sails as they struck against the mast, and how the elderly captain had emerged onto the deck and watched over her carefully. Sakura released her grip on the wooden rail, her hands falling helplessly to her side as she swayed along with the movement of the ship.

This was real, she told herself yet unable to fully believe it. This was truly happening. And she should have known, should have known not to push him to do it, but she couldn’t work out whether she should be more angry at herself for being so stupid or at him for taking her challenge seriously. For betraying her - because that was what it felt it like, when it came down to it. A betrayal of all they’d built up, a stab at her foolish ideas that enemies could reconcile their differences and the fairy tale notion that love conquered all. This was a blow to her pride unlike any she’d received before, and she should have been sad, but as she clung to her last scraps of dignity she couldn’t allow herself that luxury.

A strong wave jostled the ship and Sakura stumbled to one side. The sudden movement cleared her mind, and as she slowly regained her balance she felt her eyes prickle with tears. She blinked and told herself they were tears of rage - or maybe just from the salt of the sea, because she wasn’t sad. No, she told herself forcefully as the wind whipped at her hair and her nails dug crescents into her palms, she wasn’t sad.

++

Chapter 16 (Epilogue)