Ask Nurse Wynn
Dear Nurse Wynn,
My underarms are kindof itchy from breaking a sweat.
Thought you should know,
Perspiration sans Perspicacity in Houston
Dear Sweatily Sophomoric,
This is God's punishment for a life of sins and sinful thinking. No, I don't mean that itchy pits are a consequence of something you've done wrong, but rather that having to answer questions like this for a "living," if you can call it that, must be some kind of divine Karma come back to bite my ass for whatever atrocities I must have committed in probably dozens of former lives, to say nothing of this one. But since there are only two fingers of scotch left in the unholy bottle to the left of me and I'll need six just to get through the morning tomorrow, I will answer your question with all the petulant impudence it is certainly due, and then grovel at the knees of my section editor for another advance on my paycheck before taking two busses and the fucking rail to Specs on my way to the van I live in, down by the river.
I used to think nothing in life could be worse than sweat-induced labor, myself, until I was blacklisted from real medical work and had to accept this inane desk job. I am writing to you on a sixteen-year-old IBM PCjr from a cubical next to the reeking break room, and frankly it's hard for me to be sympathetic because you're breaking a sweat at your cushy job at Starbucks. Fortunately, there's a simple remedy for YOUR solution, and it's call antiperspirant, which is the antidote for perspiration, as crazy as that sounds. It's from the Latin words Anti, which means Antidote, and Perspiration, which means Perspiration. I went to school for eight years and have two degrees so you shouldn't feel badly for not being able to figure this out on your own. My whole reason for being is to explain this stuff for you.
I should advise that you put the antiperspirant on before you perspire, and not afterwards, per the instructions printed in English on every bottle or bar of antiperspirant. This is because actually mixing perspiration and antiperspirant will cause a matter/antimatter explosion, and propel you into the next life, in which you could find yourself a dung beetle, or a turd, or a "medical" columnist. This is exactly the same reason that pasta is never served in the same course as antipasto, and why M&Ms should never be given to Auntie Em on the way home from Oz.
Thank you so much for sharing with us a concern that hundreds of thousands of other readers, no doubt, also have roiling about their minds.
Hope this helps!
Nurse Wynn
My underarms are kindof itchy from breaking a sweat.
Thought you should know,
Perspiration sans Perspicacity in Houston
Dear Sweatily Sophomoric,
This is God's punishment for a life of sins and sinful thinking. No, I don't mean that itchy pits are a consequence of something you've done wrong, but rather that having to answer questions like this for a "living," if you can call it that, must be some kind of divine Karma come back to bite my ass for whatever atrocities I must have committed in probably dozens of former lives, to say nothing of this one. But since there are only two fingers of scotch left in the unholy bottle to the left of me and I'll need six just to get through the morning tomorrow, I will answer your question with all the petulant impudence it is certainly due, and then grovel at the knees of my section editor for another advance on my paycheck before taking two busses and the fucking rail to Specs on my way to the van I live in, down by the river.
I used to think nothing in life could be worse than sweat-induced labor, myself, until I was blacklisted from real medical work and had to accept this inane desk job. I am writing to you on a sixteen-year-old IBM PCjr from a cubical next to the reeking break room, and frankly it's hard for me to be sympathetic because you're breaking a sweat at your cushy job at Starbucks. Fortunately, there's a simple remedy for YOUR solution, and it's call antiperspirant, which is the antidote for perspiration, as crazy as that sounds. It's from the Latin words Anti, which means Antidote, and Perspiration, which means Perspiration. I went to school for eight years and have two degrees so you shouldn't feel badly for not being able to figure this out on your own. My whole reason for being is to explain this stuff for you.
I should advise that you put the antiperspirant on before you perspire, and not afterwards, per the instructions printed in English on every bottle or bar of antiperspirant. This is because actually mixing perspiration and antiperspirant will cause a matter/antimatter explosion, and propel you into the next life, in which you could find yourself a dung beetle, or a turd, or a "medical" columnist. This is exactly the same reason that pasta is never served in the same course as antipasto, and why M&Ms should never be given to Auntie Em on the way home from Oz.
Thank you so much for sharing with us a concern that hundreds of thousands of other readers, no doubt, also have roiling about their minds.
Hope this helps!
Nurse Wynn