Love yourself more
What if you don't know how? Do you buy more clothes? Put make up on? Do you read books? What if I read books? What if I don't understand make up - what if we're broke and clothes won't do it. I wish I knew what that meant. I wish I would have an ah ha moment. I've started reading lots of self help things... I feel like people get close and I'm on the edge of my seat and then they stop. And I'm here saying, dammit - just say what it is for me.
I have this five question quiz. What are you hungry for - why do you eat. WTF. Really? I don't understand how to do this. And the funny thing is - I really want to understand this. I don't want to be the stupid kid.
Questions:
1. What are you really hungry for? I want to learn photography - now to the solutions and I want to take pictures. I want to see if I'm good at this. And, of course, I want to write. I would like to write a novel that surprises me. Something that when I'm done I don't know what to say. I want to ride rollercoasters with my love and go on a white water rafting adventure and not worry about the weight limit. I want people to notice me and not my weight. I don't want a friends family to joke that she might end up looking like me... I don't want to be the funny one anymore... I want to fly.
2. Why am I overweight? I think I use food as a solace. I have a hard time talking about weight issues with even my closest friends because i feel like I'm being so stupid. And I'm supposed to be the smart one. I don't understand why i need that solace. I think I'm afraid to really try the photography and the writing. I think i've learned to apologize for my life this way. I think I felt that I wasn't supposed to be the one who had the gifts - I couldn't feel like I was enough with all that - that it would never be enough. So i think very early I learned that I could eat and feel better. I remember being in highschool thinking what I would get to eat this coming weekend. I would always feel better with food. I didn't do so many things because it wasn't enough so I stopped. Looking back - i see that so many times I quit when I was so close to something... I would get so far - in piano, school, writing, weight loss, well now that i think about it - pretty much everything... Until JOel I would date men who I could fix or control so that it wasn't about me... it was about their issues. And even them I would quit. I quit so many things, blankets, books, projects... i've always quit. i don't know why yet.
3. Why have i been unable to maintain weight loss: I don't remember NOT being overweight - at least not for a very long time. Even at my thinnest I was still 20 - 30 lbs over what I should be. I think I grew up with a family who leaned for convenience because they worked all the time... And i just started that way and never changed. I think i used the excuse that i was just born to be heavy... i'm sure i did. Then when i would lose weight i would sabotage myself and end up back where i started. I don't think I ever really tried for a solution instead of a quick fix. I think i always knew I would fail so I would end up quitting when I was close... it was easier than finding out if I would really fail... i'm such a stupid girl sometimes.
4. What in your life isn't working: I find that I'm empty. That I don't have anything left to give. Joel's mother will call and try things and I just don't give a damn about her. My mom went on and on about us sending the thank you notes. And I just really - I just want a break. I don't want to hear it anymore. I think these last two years were so much that now I don't have much of anything of me left. And I just want to lay in Joel's chest and close my eyes for awhile. I've been eating a lot lately. And I think I'm trying to fill that space... if i eat enough i will feel better. I just think i need this year to be about me. I need to find my way out and fill up my own holes...
5. Why do you want to lose weight: I want to ride a rollercoaster with Joel and not worry about the harness fitting, I want to fly on an airplane and not worry about the seatbelt extension. I'd like to go for a walk and not have to take breaks before he does. I want to look in the mirror and recognize my face... I want to shop in a regular store and buy silly girly things. I want to not be so pressed all the time to find the right thing to wear... I want to have a pool party and not worry about how my thighs will look. I want to make love to my husband and only thing about feeling good and not about my middle. I want to live a long life.... to be healthy.
I have this five question quiz. What are you hungry for - why do you eat. WTF. Really? I don't understand how to do this. And the funny thing is - I really want to understand this. I don't want to be the stupid kid.
Questions:
1. What are you really hungry for? I want to learn photography - now to the solutions and I want to take pictures. I want to see if I'm good at this. And, of course, I want to write. I would like to write a novel that surprises me. Something that when I'm done I don't know what to say. I want to ride rollercoasters with my love and go on a white water rafting adventure and not worry about the weight limit. I want people to notice me and not my weight. I don't want a friends family to joke that she might end up looking like me... I don't want to be the funny one anymore... I want to fly.
2. Why am I overweight? I think I use food as a solace. I have a hard time talking about weight issues with even my closest friends because i feel like I'm being so stupid. And I'm supposed to be the smart one. I don't understand why i need that solace. I think I'm afraid to really try the photography and the writing. I think i've learned to apologize for my life this way. I think I felt that I wasn't supposed to be the one who had the gifts - I couldn't feel like I was enough with all that - that it would never be enough. So i think very early I learned that I could eat and feel better. I remember being in highschool thinking what I would get to eat this coming weekend. I would always feel better with food. I didn't do so many things because it wasn't enough so I stopped. Looking back - i see that so many times I quit when I was so close to something... I would get so far - in piano, school, writing, weight loss, well now that i think about it - pretty much everything... Until JOel I would date men who I could fix or control so that it wasn't about me... it was about their issues. And even them I would quit. I quit so many things, blankets, books, projects... i've always quit. i don't know why yet.
3. Why have i been unable to maintain weight loss: I don't remember NOT being overweight - at least not for a very long time. Even at my thinnest I was still 20 - 30 lbs over what I should be. I think I grew up with a family who leaned for convenience because they worked all the time... And i just started that way and never changed. I think i used the excuse that i was just born to be heavy... i'm sure i did. Then when i would lose weight i would sabotage myself and end up back where i started. I don't think I ever really tried for a solution instead of a quick fix. I think i always knew I would fail so I would end up quitting when I was close... it was easier than finding out if I would really fail... i'm such a stupid girl sometimes.
4. What in your life isn't working: I find that I'm empty. That I don't have anything left to give. Joel's mother will call and try things and I just don't give a damn about her. My mom went on and on about us sending the thank you notes. And I just really - I just want a break. I don't want to hear it anymore. I think these last two years were so much that now I don't have much of anything of me left. And I just want to lay in Joel's chest and close my eyes for awhile. I've been eating a lot lately. And I think I'm trying to fill that space... if i eat enough i will feel better. I just think i need this year to be about me. I need to find my way out and fill up my own holes...
5. Why do you want to lose weight: I want to ride a rollercoaster with Joel and not worry about the harness fitting, I want to fly on an airplane and not worry about the seatbelt extension. I'd like to go for a walk and not have to take breaks before he does. I want to look in the mirror and recognize my face... I want to shop in a regular store and buy silly girly things. I want to not be so pressed all the time to find the right thing to wear... I want to have a pool party and not worry about how my thighs will look. I want to make love to my husband and only thing about feeling good and not about my middle. I want to live a long life.... to be healthy.