This is the letter he finally got
Greg,
In light of the lengthy messages you've sent me two days running, I decided to respond with a letter. You've taken the opportunity to speak your piece, and suggested that I feel free to espouse.
I don't know how to be in a relationship when asking questions and explaining how I see things, for the specific purpose of trying to understand my partner, is seen as demonizing and vilifying that partner. You read so much more into my words than what I'm actually saying.
The world is not a place of absolutes to me. I don't see it in terms of black and white. I don't see many clear cut right and wrong answers. We see things very differently, but I have never said that my way is right and yours is wrong. They're just different, and I don't see that as a bad thing. It seems you do.
My attempt at gaining clarity from you was a genuine desire to understand, which is what you've stated quite clearly that you want from me. Repeatedly. When I ask what an expressed desire means to you, I'm not being difficult, I'm trying to understand you. Specifically you. Yet somehow, it gets translated to a verbal assault. This isn't about judgment, or disapproval, or blame. I don't always understand you, and my natural reaction is to try. That requires me to ask questions, and point out differences, and question more. This appears to be unacceptable to you. In fact, it's perceived as abuse.
You've decided for both of us that these dramatic changes you thought necessary for us to go forward are beyond the scope of our capabilities, or inclinations. You are unwilling to put forth the effort; don't presume to make it about my lack of willingness to do the same. I'm not at all convinced that you know me well enough to make decisions on my behalf about either my capabilities or willingness to do anything.
You contradict yourself constantly. Your action don't match your words; your words don't match your words. But I'm not allowed to question it. I'm tired of the merry go round.
You've spent a great deal of time telling me what you lack, what you want and explaining your position. I think you have a hazy idea at best of what I want. Any thoughts you might have are based on assumptions you've made. You didn't ask. I didn't offer as you'd given me little reason to think you could hear me anyway.
I'm not angry at you. I don't have the energy to be angry right now. I can't keep doing this. I'm tired of being grouped with “everyone”, and I don't enjoy being in the midst of battles that make no sense to me. I don't understand how you can get angry at me for not knowing things you haven't told me, or that you've only told me part of. You're right Greg, it shouldn't be this hard.