floating along
Last night Tom and I went in to town for supper. It has been a difficult time for both of us lately. Our issues are not with one another, it's rather that we have our own individual orbits around the home sun.
We talked last night and came up with a good illustration of our predicament and I needed to write it down so I wouldn't forget:
It seems as if we're on the same lake, but in different boats. He has the distraction of his work - which has completely consumed him lately, so he has at least one oar in the water.
It's different for me - I'm very isolated, but by choice. I'm don't want to be around anyone right now. So I'm just kind or sitting in my boat with NO oars, bobing along.
We know we're at least on the same lake since we keep passing each other. Occasionally we wave or smile.
It's very quiet in our house other than the constant drone of theTV. It's on all the time, maybe to display signs of life, I don't really know.
Tom comes home and is absolutely done in and I am just, well, tired all the time. So we occupy the same space, but it is very obvious we are lost in our own little worlds.
After talking last night - we agreed there are no problems between us. We are doing the best that we can individually and just don't have any more to give. It's interesting to me to hear his thoughts and how emotional he still is - he chokes up very easily. I am more withdrawn, cloaking my raw self intently.
We are both very sensitive to the losses of others right now. It picks the scab off of our own attempts to heal.
We both agree the holidays are very painful and unpleasant and we hope to trudge through them as best we can. It will be good to have all of the noise and presence of family for the days before and after Christmas. But I already dread their leaving since it will make this place seem even more lonely.
Another thing we talked about is why the heck don't OTHER people share their experiences of loss. It's weird how you feel like you're making it up as you go. Perhaps it's because it affects you on so many different levels - it's too painful for people to share.