been a long time, LJ.
I'm not sure how much of this is going to be an update and how much an introspective ramble and how much of each will be distinguishable from the other, so... well... consider that your warning. :)
This post is brought to you by a longish night of brain-won't-shut-off, by the reading of a Garrison Keillor novel and all its loquacious melancholy, and by the letter X.
Life's been up and down and wibbly-wobbly, but it's mostly settled into an odd sort of happiness by now.
Unfortunately, that happiness is dangerously undermined by unemployment. Yeah, lost my job. In fact, I was fired. I've been laid off before, several times. I've quit jobs. I've had temporary assignments end. But this is the first time I was actually fired. I find that being fired really gives an extra couple jiggers of 'oomph' to the loss of self-esteem that comes from being suddenly unemployed in this society. And of course, jobs aren't exactly easy to find right now. I'm doing some stuff to try to get a bit of income while I job search, but so far that hasn't worked either... we'll see how it works out.
Various changes... our much-loved friend and roommate Becky moved out, having had no luck with her own job search. This has given lorelein the opportunity to have her own room with a real door and everything, so the cloud has a silver lining. :) But Becky is missed. :(
I think that the barriers of discomfort and fear are coming down between lorelein and myself, allowing us to really be friends again, which is a great goodness.
I've been pretty busy recently, with job-searching and alternate-income-sourcing, and with helping get venusenvyaustin ready for opening (it's open now, austinites, and it rawks, check it out!) and socialising with various friends. When I'm not busy with all that I'm mostly watching japanese telly or reading. I've also been doing some writing, which is a great goodness. I'm in a play-by-email RPG, so it's both creative outlet and an odd sort of socialising.
Speaking of gaming, local tabletop gaming was on a sort of hiatus for awhile; we lost a player in our Firefly campaign and have been trying to work with just two players but haven't ended up doing much actual gaming in the past couple of months. Should have a new player tonight though, we'll see how it goes. Was briefly involved in a very exciting little superhero rpg, but that disappeared due to the GM's work schedule becoming too extreme. So I'm kinda jonesing to game now.
Speaking of jonesing (I wonder where that term came from, anyway (google suggests it started as a term for heroin withdrawal in the 60s, but does not explain why that particular proper name was used)) ...where was I? Oh yeah. Speaking of jonesing, while I've been settling into a sort of contentment with life recently (and there are not words to express how wonderful that is), there are ways in which I am not content. Things that I long for.
My physical touch meter is down in the yellow zone, not quite to red levels, but I'm definitely getting less hugs and cuddles and affectionate touch in my daily life than I require. I remember being a teenager and not feeling this need at all... but then again, I was sort of a self-centered ass back then, which may be causally connected in one direction or the other. Regardless, I'm getting far less than I'm used to, and find myself yearning for it as a result.
Another thing is sex. In the past few weeks I've been extraordinarily desirous. To the point of eyeing every cute chick that comes into my view. To the point of thinking about it frequently every day. To the point where taking matters into my own hands isn't cutting it. To the point where I'm sometimes in a state where I could not possibly 'get it up' if I tried, yet that carnal desire is still very much present. To the point where I'm looking at craiglsist 'casual encounters' ads and thinking 'why not?' It's certainly an enervating state, but often a frustrating one as well. I'm not sure how much is hormones, how much is a longing for intimacy, how much is related to the desire for touch... I just know it's there.
I've lost about 10 pounds, recently, which isn't bad. I do wish I could lose more abdominal fat, though, and less external. I like the soft, padded look, but I don't much care for the look of my bulgy belly. 'Twould be nice to lose that.
I'm surprisingly muscular-looking. Also, looking at pictures of myself I'd guess I was about 6 years younger than I am. I find this odd.
I recently found that the idea of running a bed-and-breakfast (which is a metric crap-tonne of work, but work I feel I would find fulfilling) was extremely appealing to me. Unfortunately, the initial financial outlay for such an endeavour is so extraordinarily high that I fear I could never get it started.
Heh. So much brain-meandering. :) Anyway, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. Thanks for reading.
<3
This post is brought to you by a longish night of brain-won't-shut-off, by the reading of a Garrison Keillor novel and all its loquacious melancholy, and by the letter X.
Life's been up and down and wibbly-wobbly, but it's mostly settled into an odd sort of happiness by now.
Unfortunately, that happiness is dangerously undermined by unemployment. Yeah, lost my job. In fact, I was fired. I've been laid off before, several times. I've quit jobs. I've had temporary assignments end. But this is the first time I was actually fired. I find that being fired really gives an extra couple jiggers of 'oomph' to the loss of self-esteem that comes from being suddenly unemployed in this society. And of course, jobs aren't exactly easy to find right now. I'm doing some stuff to try to get a bit of income while I job search, but so far that hasn't worked either... we'll see how it works out.
Various changes... our much-loved friend and roommate Becky moved out, having had no luck with her own job search. This has given lorelein the opportunity to have her own room with a real door and everything, so the cloud has a silver lining. :) But Becky is missed. :(
I think that the barriers of discomfort and fear are coming down between lorelein and myself, allowing us to really be friends again, which is a great goodness.
I've been pretty busy recently, with job-searching and alternate-income-sourcing, and with helping get venusenvyaustin ready for opening (it's open now, austinites, and it rawks, check it out!) and socialising with various friends. When I'm not busy with all that I'm mostly watching japanese telly or reading. I've also been doing some writing, which is a great goodness. I'm in a play-by-email RPG, so it's both creative outlet and an odd sort of socialising.
Speaking of gaming, local tabletop gaming was on a sort of hiatus for awhile; we lost a player in our Firefly campaign and have been trying to work with just two players but haven't ended up doing much actual gaming in the past couple of months. Should have a new player tonight though, we'll see how it goes. Was briefly involved in a very exciting little superhero rpg, but that disappeared due to the GM's work schedule becoming too extreme. So I'm kinda jonesing to game now.
Speaking of jonesing (I wonder where that term came from, anyway (google suggests it started as a term for heroin withdrawal in the 60s, but does not explain why that particular proper name was used)) ...where was I? Oh yeah. Speaking of jonesing, while I've been settling into a sort of contentment with life recently (and there are not words to express how wonderful that is), there are ways in which I am not content. Things that I long for.
My physical touch meter is down in the yellow zone, not quite to red levels, but I'm definitely getting less hugs and cuddles and affectionate touch in my daily life than I require. I remember being a teenager and not feeling this need at all... but then again, I was sort of a self-centered ass back then, which may be causally connected in one direction or the other. Regardless, I'm getting far less than I'm used to, and find myself yearning for it as a result.
Another thing is sex. In the past few weeks I've been extraordinarily desirous. To the point of eyeing every cute chick that comes into my view. To the point of thinking about it frequently every day. To the point where taking matters into my own hands isn't cutting it. To the point where I'm sometimes in a state where I could not possibly 'get it up' if I tried, yet that carnal desire is still very much present. To the point where I'm looking at craiglsist 'casual encounters' ads and thinking 'why not?' It's certainly an enervating state, but often a frustrating one as well. I'm not sure how much is hormones, how much is a longing for intimacy, how much is related to the desire for touch... I just know it's there.
I've lost about 10 pounds, recently, which isn't bad. I do wish I could lose more abdominal fat, though, and less external. I like the soft, padded look, but I don't much care for the look of my bulgy belly. 'Twould be nice to lose that.
I'm surprisingly muscular-looking. Also, looking at pictures of myself I'd guess I was about 6 years younger than I am. I find this odd.
I recently found that the idea of running a bed-and-breakfast (which is a metric crap-tonne of work, but work I feel I would find fulfilling) was extremely appealing to me. Unfortunately, the initial financial outlay for such an endeavour is so extraordinarily high that I fear I could never get it started.
Heh. So much brain-meandering. :) Anyway, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. Thanks for reading.
<3