cheating myself
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns Star Wars. I am not making any profit from this work of fanfiction.
Author's note: outtake!fic from the he!au. So it's like an AU of an AU ... wow. O_O
Cheating Myself
She wanders around his apartment that night, touching things with the care of one who used to know them intimately, imbuing them with the fondness of history. At the end of the evening she goes to Anakin’s room and looks inside.
Obi-Wan cleaned it out when Anakin moved away; there wasn’t much to do, since a Jedi never really has enough possession to clutter a room anyway, but he got rid of the various tools Anakin had filched from the Temple workrooms and forgotten to return, and carried the miscellaneous droid parts down to the service area for someone else to fix. Anakin wouldn’t be working there any more.
Ryn trails her fingers along the wall above Anakin’s bed, finding little nicks and scrapes that Obi-Wan couldn’t even see; they were just meaningless imperfections to him.
“I remember these,” she whispers softly, touching them one by one. Her touch is like a lover’s, intimate, and Obi-Wan wonders if maybe he should leave her alone with the memories. But then she traces the edge of one last little mark, still rimed in black machine oil that even the cleaning droids can’t remove from the cracks, and steps back, shooting Obi-Wan a wry grin.
“He thought about her here.” She touches the lampshade, the dinged and dented worktable. “All the time.” The breath shudders softly in her chest, and Obi-Wan winces for her. “I should have known then.”
Obi-Wan closes his eyes against her pain. “Ryn, you can’t blame yourself -”
“No, I don’t,” she says, and her voice is sad but surprisingly clear. Steady, like Ryn herself. “But I can’t blame him, either.” She looks around the room one more time. “He couldn’t stop loving her any more than I can stop loving him.” She lays her hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder and it occurs to him that, unbelievably, she is trying to comfort him. “There are no bad guys in this one, Obi-Wan. Just three sorry people, doing the best they can.” Her sigh is the tiredest sound Obi-Wan has ever heard, but curiously it isn’t bitter. “I’m just worried about Jinn.” She places her hand on the barely-there swell of her lower abdomen. “And whoever this is.”
Obi-Wan does a double-take. “You - you’re ...”
Ryn’s expression is an odd combination of smile and grimace. “Yeah. I found out not long after Anakin left.”
The sheer overwhelming irony of it all hits him in the solar plexus and drives the breath from his lungs. “That’s why you came now.” You wanted to share your news. Oh, Ryn ...
Ryn’s laugh is almost a sob. “Well, I wanted to surprise him. I guess I pulled it off.” She sniffs, wipes her nose inelegantly on the back of her hand. “I should have realized he’d feel differently, but I was ... lost in my own galaxy, I guess.” Shrug. “I should have told him I was coming.”
“Ryn, he’s your husband, you have every right to -”
“No, he’s not,” she interrupts him softly. “Not the way you mean. He didn’t choose this, Obi-Wan. He didn’t choose me. And fidelity was never in the contract.”
It would be easier if she’d just get mad. “Even so, Ryn -”
“No, Obi-Wan,” she says firmly. “Nobody cheated me but myself. I am responsible for my own pain.” She takes a deep breath. “As long as Anakin is willing to make arrangements about the children, if he will be a father to them ... that’s all that matters.”
He’d like to tell her she’s being very Jedi about this, but Ryn wouldn’t consider it a compliment. So instead he says, “Let me see you home,” and accepts her grateful nod as confirmation of the fact that she really doesn’t want to be alone with Anakin, not yet.
There will be time for that.
Author's note: outtake!fic from the he!au. So it's like an AU of an AU ... wow. O_O
Cheating Myself
She wanders around his apartment that night, touching things with the care of one who used to know them intimately, imbuing them with the fondness of history. At the end of the evening she goes to Anakin’s room and looks inside.
Obi-Wan cleaned it out when Anakin moved away; there wasn’t much to do, since a Jedi never really has enough possession to clutter a room anyway, but he got rid of the various tools Anakin had filched from the Temple workrooms and forgotten to return, and carried the miscellaneous droid parts down to the service area for someone else to fix. Anakin wouldn’t be working there any more.
Ryn trails her fingers along the wall above Anakin’s bed, finding little nicks and scrapes that Obi-Wan couldn’t even see; they were just meaningless imperfections to him.
“I remember these,” she whispers softly, touching them one by one. Her touch is like a lover’s, intimate, and Obi-Wan wonders if maybe he should leave her alone with the memories. But then she traces the edge of one last little mark, still rimed in black machine oil that even the cleaning droids can’t remove from the cracks, and steps back, shooting Obi-Wan a wry grin.
“He thought about her here.” She touches the lampshade, the dinged and dented worktable. “All the time.” The breath shudders softly in her chest, and Obi-Wan winces for her. “I should have known then.”
Obi-Wan closes his eyes against her pain. “Ryn, you can’t blame yourself -”
“No, I don’t,” she says, and her voice is sad but surprisingly clear. Steady, like Ryn herself. “But I can’t blame him, either.” She looks around the room one more time. “He couldn’t stop loving her any more than I can stop loving him.” She lays her hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder and it occurs to him that, unbelievably, she is trying to comfort him. “There are no bad guys in this one, Obi-Wan. Just three sorry people, doing the best they can.” Her sigh is the tiredest sound Obi-Wan has ever heard, but curiously it isn’t bitter. “I’m just worried about Jinn.” She places her hand on the barely-there swell of her lower abdomen. “And whoever this is.”
Obi-Wan does a double-take. “You - you’re ...”
Ryn’s expression is an odd combination of smile and grimace. “Yeah. I found out not long after Anakin left.”
The sheer overwhelming irony of it all hits him in the solar plexus and drives the breath from his lungs. “That’s why you came now.” You wanted to share your news. Oh, Ryn ...
Ryn’s laugh is almost a sob. “Well, I wanted to surprise him. I guess I pulled it off.” She sniffs, wipes her nose inelegantly on the back of her hand. “I should have realized he’d feel differently, but I was ... lost in my own galaxy, I guess.” Shrug. “I should have told him I was coming.”
“Ryn, he’s your husband, you have every right to -”
“No, he’s not,” she interrupts him softly. “Not the way you mean. He didn’t choose this, Obi-Wan. He didn’t choose me. And fidelity was never in the contract.”
It would be easier if she’d just get mad. “Even so, Ryn -”
“No, Obi-Wan,” she says firmly. “Nobody cheated me but myself. I am responsible for my own pain.” She takes a deep breath. “As long as Anakin is willing to make arrangements about the children, if he will be a father to them ... that’s all that matters.”
He’d like to tell her she’s being very Jedi about this, but Ryn wouldn’t consider it a compliment. So instead he says, “Let me see you home,” and accepts her grateful nod as confirmation of the fact that she really doesn’t want to be alone with Anakin, not yet.
There will be time for that.