(no subject)
i spent the past 2 days trying to wrap my brain around the events that have transpired over the weekend. i replied late saturday night to the woman who apparently gave birth to me and then waited for a reply, wondering all along "is this real!?!" i obsessed over did i say the "right" things!?! i mean, what do you say to a woman who you do not know, who probably carried you for 9 months, scared out of her mind the whole time, and gave birth to you 31 years ago, and you haven't had contact with since you were about 3 days old!?! i have thought about what i would say to her for many years. i think i managed to get it all down in a fairly articulate manner
"wow! where to begin. i have wondered for a very long time how i would feel when (and if) this moment would arise. shocked, for sure. but also very excited. and nervous. a little freaked out, with a million thoughts racing across my brain, a million questions, and maybe a few fears and hesitations too. of course, i am sure i am not telling you anything you do not already completely understand in a very visceral way.
i think you might be right. i think i very well might be that baby girl you so selfLESSly gave up 31 years ago, and you very well might be the person who i have wondered about when i wondered "who do I look like?" and "where did i come from?"
with all of these thoughts and emotions racing around in my mind it is oh so difficult to figure out which one to start with, which ones to share right now.
with that let me just start with thank you. thank you for reaching out to me, a stranger in many ways, who could react in many ways to this information. you took a huge step that opened yourself up to potentially painful memories and potential new heartache. regardless if you are or are not indeed my biological mother (and i feel pretty confident that you are that very person based in what you have shared with me), i feel that a very long overdue thank you is in order for the sacrifice you made all those years ago.
i can not imagine what it was like to go through the experience of bringing a child into this world and then having to decide to give that child up in hopes of them having a better future than the one you at that time could provide. my heart aches at the thought of the pain and anxiety you felt.
i have always wanted to have the chance say this to my birth mother. to say, i have never been angry at her decision. never felt unloved, or unwanted. to say, thank you for being so selfless and to love me so much to face the pain of giving me up to someone who was in a position to take care of me.
i consider myself very very blessed. i had a wonderful childhood, the two most loving parents a child could ask for, who were sure to instill in me the notion that i was never given up but chosen, that i was special. i had two moms and two dads. a mom and dad who brought me into this world and my mom and dad who raised me. i remember learning about being adopted when i was 3. perhaps my mom told me before this, but at this point my parents were going to adopt a second child, my brother. my mom explained this all in terms that i think my 3 year old mind could wrap itself around, and she was always honest with me when i had questions. she told me all she could when i asked, but never pushed me either.
as i got older, i became more curious about my background, who i looked like, where i came from. of course i romanticized this story and had many different variations of my coming into this world. and as i matured, i became more thoughtful and serious about these missing pieces of my life, especially as my older cousins started having their own children and the discussion of who he or she looked like, and if there were family medical histories i should be aware of. every june 29th i would especially wonder where these people i am connected with in a deep and intimate way are today, if they are thinking about me and what are they doing with their lives. i have always thought it would be incredible to have the chance to meet my birth parents, especially my mother, with whom i shared 9 months in the most intimate bond, and am connected with even without having ever met. of course, i had fears and anxiety over this too (as i know you understand). what if she rejects me for
this or that reason. what if i disrupt her life, ripping open traumatic wounds and inflicting new pain into her life, and on and on. i never wanted to disrupt a life that has moved on from such difficult times. but on the other hand, i also thought that it could be such an enriching and positive experience too, and a chance to fill in all of those missing pieces for both of us.
i have so many questions. about my mother, my father, if there i have any siblings. i always wondered who was the first person who held me. why was i born in lancaster and not new york, and if i have blood relatives in lancaster too. so often i would be told that i looked just like someone else and i would wonder "are we related?" funny thing, that happens all the time out here in WI and i was pretty sure i was not related to anyone here. and then not too long ago, my partner decided that the resemblance between me and the actress scarlette johannson was amazingly close (which of course i was deeply flattered by) and that if she is from new york, then maybe....i must admit, some of the romatnizing of my origins did not stop with becoming an adult, sometimes i just can't help myself! not that i have ever felt that i did not want to be a part of my family. i would never have traded my life for another, it has been good to me in many ways.
its just that i had very little information from my adoption, my mom shared as much as she was given by the case worker, which was pretty scant. i knew there was a connection to new york, which grew into a bit of an obsession for me, i loved NYC and when ever i was there i would wonder who i might be related to and where they were. i had it my head that my birth parents were from the city, and i always felt a deep connect there. i knew the name on my birth certificate was leslie karen. to be honest, i did not know where the name came from, if it was from my birth parents, or from the foster family who i lived with until i was placed with my parents, but i knew that was the name i had until i was 5 months old.
life is oh so very funny with its strange little ironies. my parents brought me home in late november of 1976, and gave me my name, lori lynn. seeing your name, it gives me chills. my parents would have had no idea. they picked my name out years before i was born, years before they knew they could not have children of their own and yet it seems like that it was meant to be, for me to have this name, a strange connection to you in a way.
a little about me.
i grew up and lived in lancaster with wonderful parents and a younger brother. sadly my father passed away last summer after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. its been hard to be back here in madison, while i love it here, and have been building a wonderful life here, i miss my mom and wish i could be back east to be there for her too. i moved to madison when i was 23 and have been here on and off for the past 7 years. i have a BS in wildllife ecology and work for the state of wisconsin and also for a small environmental consulting firm. i would like to get a masters, but need a break from school and so, i am just working and enjoying life as best as i can right now.
i could go on and on but i feel that this could get overwhelming as it. so i will try to control my impulses to try to share a lifetime of information in one email. i have so many questions, which should i ask first!?! i have so much to tell, again where to start!?! you have already given me more than i thought i would ever have. who named me, who held me when i was born, who i might look like!! its just incredible and surreal!! after crying and laughing and generally just freaking out with my partner and friends, who were with me when i first read this email, i was not sure if i should call or write. i wanted to reach out to you, but was unsure of how i should do so. my gut instinct is that email might be a good way to transition after the shock of this news. also, i am writing this to you with out yet telling my mom about this incredible event. i love the idea of getting to know you, and am very excited by that prospect. i know my mom will be supportive and happy f
or her daughter and best friend to have the chance to fill in those gaps that exist in her life. but, to be honest i am not sure just yet how to tell her. this is not bad news, it is wonderful and exciting, but it is very shocking and i would really like to tell her in person, but with my being in here in WI and she is in PA that is a little difficult. i thought that it would be good to have some exchange with you first, and this (emailing that is) seems like a good way to start this incredible conversation that i have been waiting my whole life to have.
with that said, i think i will simply end with, it is very nice to meet you. you sound like a wonderful, caring, warm and compassionate woman, and i would feel very honored to think that you are the person that brought me into this world.
i look forward to hearing from you, and exploring where this conversation will take us. i do have one question. i have always just wanted a picture of who i look like. i always wanted to see whose eyes do i have, whose smile do i have. if i could see such a picture, i would be so very grateful. yes, i did google search you to see if the internet could provide me such things, but came up empty handed.
thank you again for contacting me. i am so grateful, words do not convey this properly. i am still in shock that this has happened, so out of the blue. and yet here it is."
so, i waited, and tried not to start getting nervous, but after two days it was difficult not to do so. the thing that was most nerve-racking was not yet telling my mom and worrying about her reaction. i felt compelled to wait until my b-mother wrote back to me again, i am not sure why, but i felt like i needed to make sure about this, before i called my mom and told her what had happened. i was nervous about her
tonight i got a reply back, subject line "my dream has come true". it was a wonderfully sweet email, full of love and appreciation. i was touched. it turns out that she is 48, with a birthday only two weeks after my birthday. i am not sure, but based on the info she's given me thus far, she signed the final adoption papers, and held me for the last time, right around her 17th birthday!! i can't imagine how scared, sad, and alone this young girl felt giving up her baby and having to face returning to school and trying to put her life back together. i also found out that she has fibromyalgia, hence the long response time on her reply to me, when she gets really emotional it tends to flare up a bit. she was worried that i was thinking she was not going to reply. the fibromyalgia info is very interesting and part of one of my major reasons for wanting to find my birth parents in the first place!! not that i am excited to find out that my biological mother is suffering from a painful, chronic, difficult-to-treat illness, but that i can finally get the answers to all of those damn medical questions on forms at the doctors that i can never answer!! "Family history of _________?" "No idea! I'm adopted." maybe not anymore! she is so excited to tell me all about the part of my story that is missing, and made it clear to me that i can ask her anything i want and she will do everything she can to provide me with the information i desire. i deeply appreciate her openness, while i know she is excited to have found me, i can't help but think that at the same time this all brings up some painful memories too. i was very happy to have been able to reassure her that she did the right thing, and she thanked me for validating her decision so long ago when she was so very young and unsure.
so, i called my mom and while she did get a wee bit teary eyed, i think she is ok with all of this. i read all the emails to her and assured her she is my mom, my only "Mom" and that she was as much a part of this new little adventure as i was. that i wanted to share every exchange with her and show her any pictures i might get, and if i ever do meet this person, that i wanted her to be there too, if she wanted to be, because she is part of this amazing story of my life. i think she is excited by the prospect of learning about these things with me. i hope she finds it to be something new and positive in her life, she has had to endure so much pain over the past few years.
so, i am feeling very good about this, excited, no longer all that nervous (maybe about talking with her or meeting her maybe someday). my life has been full of so many losses and difficult changes, it is nice to have unexpected news that does not result in more struggle. for now i am just looking forward to learning more about these missing puzzle pieces of my life and exploring a potentially new kind of relationship in my life.
"wow! where to begin. i have wondered for a very long time how i would feel when (and if) this moment would arise. shocked, for sure. but also very excited. and nervous. a little freaked out, with a million thoughts racing across my brain, a million questions, and maybe a few fears and hesitations too. of course, i am sure i am not telling you anything you do not already completely understand in a very visceral way.
i think you might be right. i think i very well might be that baby girl you so selfLESSly gave up 31 years ago, and you very well might be the person who i have wondered about when i wondered "who do I look like?" and "where did i come from?"
with all of these thoughts and emotions racing around in my mind it is oh so difficult to figure out which one to start with, which ones to share right now.
with that let me just start with thank you. thank you for reaching out to me, a stranger in many ways, who could react in many ways to this information. you took a huge step that opened yourself up to potentially painful memories and potential new heartache. regardless if you are or are not indeed my biological mother (and i feel pretty confident that you are that very person based in what you have shared with me), i feel that a very long overdue thank you is in order for the sacrifice you made all those years ago.
i can not imagine what it was like to go through the experience of bringing a child into this world and then having to decide to give that child up in hopes of them having a better future than the one you at that time could provide. my heart aches at the thought of the pain and anxiety you felt.
i have always wanted to have the chance say this to my birth mother. to say, i have never been angry at her decision. never felt unloved, or unwanted. to say, thank you for being so selfless and to love me so much to face the pain of giving me up to someone who was in a position to take care of me.
i consider myself very very blessed. i had a wonderful childhood, the two most loving parents a child could ask for, who were sure to instill in me the notion that i was never given up but chosen, that i was special. i had two moms and two dads. a mom and dad who brought me into this world and my mom and dad who raised me. i remember learning about being adopted when i was 3. perhaps my mom told me before this, but at this point my parents were going to adopt a second child, my brother. my mom explained this all in terms that i think my 3 year old mind could wrap itself around, and she was always honest with me when i had questions. she told me all she could when i asked, but never pushed me either.
as i got older, i became more curious about my background, who i looked like, where i came from. of course i romanticized this story and had many different variations of my coming into this world. and as i matured, i became more thoughtful and serious about these missing pieces of my life, especially as my older cousins started having their own children and the discussion of who he or she looked like, and if there were family medical histories i should be aware of. every june 29th i would especially wonder where these people i am connected with in a deep and intimate way are today, if they are thinking about me and what are they doing with their lives. i have always thought it would be incredible to have the chance to meet my birth parents, especially my mother, with whom i shared 9 months in the most intimate bond, and am connected with even without having ever met. of course, i had fears and anxiety over this too (as i know you understand). what if she rejects me for
this or that reason. what if i disrupt her life, ripping open traumatic wounds and inflicting new pain into her life, and on and on. i never wanted to disrupt a life that has moved on from such difficult times. but on the other hand, i also thought that it could be such an enriching and positive experience too, and a chance to fill in all of those missing pieces for both of us.
i have so many questions. about my mother, my father, if there i have any siblings. i always wondered who was the first person who held me. why was i born in lancaster and not new york, and if i have blood relatives in lancaster too. so often i would be told that i looked just like someone else and i would wonder "are we related?" funny thing, that happens all the time out here in WI and i was pretty sure i was not related to anyone here. and then not too long ago, my partner decided that the resemblance between me and the actress scarlette johannson was amazingly close (which of course i was deeply flattered by) and that if she is from new york, then maybe....i must admit, some of the romatnizing of my origins did not stop with becoming an adult, sometimes i just can't help myself! not that i have ever felt that i did not want to be a part of my family. i would never have traded my life for another, it has been good to me in many ways.
its just that i had very little information from my adoption, my mom shared as much as she was given by the case worker, which was pretty scant. i knew there was a connection to new york, which grew into a bit of an obsession for me, i loved NYC and when ever i was there i would wonder who i might be related to and where they were. i had it my head that my birth parents were from the city, and i always felt a deep connect there. i knew the name on my birth certificate was leslie karen. to be honest, i did not know where the name came from, if it was from my birth parents, or from the foster family who i lived with until i was placed with my parents, but i knew that was the name i had until i was 5 months old.
life is oh so very funny with its strange little ironies. my parents brought me home in late november of 1976, and gave me my name, lori lynn. seeing your name, it gives me chills. my parents would have had no idea. they picked my name out years before i was born, years before they knew they could not have children of their own and yet it seems like that it was meant to be, for me to have this name, a strange connection to you in a way.
a little about me.
i grew up and lived in lancaster with wonderful parents and a younger brother. sadly my father passed away last summer after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. its been hard to be back here in madison, while i love it here, and have been building a wonderful life here, i miss my mom and wish i could be back east to be there for her too. i moved to madison when i was 23 and have been here on and off for the past 7 years. i have a BS in wildllife ecology and work for the state of wisconsin and also for a small environmental consulting firm. i would like to get a masters, but need a break from school and so, i am just working and enjoying life as best as i can right now.
i could go on and on but i feel that this could get overwhelming as it. so i will try to control my impulses to try to share a lifetime of information in one email. i have so many questions, which should i ask first!?! i have so much to tell, again where to start!?! you have already given me more than i thought i would ever have. who named me, who held me when i was born, who i might look like!! its just incredible and surreal!! after crying and laughing and generally just freaking out with my partner and friends, who were with me when i first read this email, i was not sure if i should call or write. i wanted to reach out to you, but was unsure of how i should do so. my gut instinct is that email might be a good way to transition after the shock of this news. also, i am writing this to you with out yet telling my mom about this incredible event. i love the idea of getting to know you, and am very excited by that prospect. i know my mom will be supportive and happy f
or her daughter and best friend to have the chance to fill in those gaps that exist in her life. but, to be honest i am not sure just yet how to tell her. this is not bad news, it is wonderful and exciting, but it is very shocking and i would really like to tell her in person, but with my being in here in WI and she is in PA that is a little difficult. i thought that it would be good to have some exchange with you first, and this (emailing that is) seems like a good way to start this incredible conversation that i have been waiting my whole life to have.
with that said, i think i will simply end with, it is very nice to meet you. you sound like a wonderful, caring, warm and compassionate woman, and i would feel very honored to think that you are the person that brought me into this world.
i look forward to hearing from you, and exploring where this conversation will take us. i do have one question. i have always just wanted a picture of who i look like. i always wanted to see whose eyes do i have, whose smile do i have. if i could see such a picture, i would be so very grateful. yes, i did google search you to see if the internet could provide me such things, but came up empty handed.
thank you again for contacting me. i am so grateful, words do not convey this properly. i am still in shock that this has happened, so out of the blue. and yet here it is."
so, i waited, and tried not to start getting nervous, but after two days it was difficult not to do so. the thing that was most nerve-racking was not yet telling my mom and worrying about her reaction. i felt compelled to wait until my b-mother wrote back to me again, i am not sure why, but i felt like i needed to make sure about this, before i called my mom and told her what had happened. i was nervous about her
tonight i got a reply back, subject line "my dream has come true". it was a wonderfully sweet email, full of love and appreciation. i was touched. it turns out that she is 48, with a birthday only two weeks after my birthday. i am not sure, but based on the info she's given me thus far, she signed the final adoption papers, and held me for the last time, right around her 17th birthday!! i can't imagine how scared, sad, and alone this young girl felt giving up her baby and having to face returning to school and trying to put her life back together. i also found out that she has fibromyalgia, hence the long response time on her reply to me, when she gets really emotional it tends to flare up a bit. she was worried that i was thinking she was not going to reply. the fibromyalgia info is very interesting and part of one of my major reasons for wanting to find my birth parents in the first place!! not that i am excited to find out that my biological mother is suffering from a painful, chronic, difficult-to-treat illness, but that i can finally get the answers to all of those damn medical questions on forms at the doctors that i can never answer!! "Family history of _________?" "No idea! I'm adopted." maybe not anymore! she is so excited to tell me all about the part of my story that is missing, and made it clear to me that i can ask her anything i want and she will do everything she can to provide me with the information i desire. i deeply appreciate her openness, while i know she is excited to have found me, i can't help but think that at the same time this all brings up some painful memories too. i was very happy to have been able to reassure her that she did the right thing, and she thanked me for validating her decision so long ago when she was so very young and unsure.
so, i called my mom and while she did get a wee bit teary eyed, i think she is ok with all of this. i read all the emails to her and assured her she is my mom, my only "Mom" and that she was as much a part of this new little adventure as i was. that i wanted to share every exchange with her and show her any pictures i might get, and if i ever do meet this person, that i wanted her to be there too, if she wanted to be, because she is part of this amazing story of my life. i think she is excited by the prospect of learning about these things with me. i hope she finds it to be something new and positive in her life, she has had to endure so much pain over the past few years.
so, i am feeling very good about this, excited, no longer all that nervous (maybe about talking with her or meeting her maybe someday). my life has been full of so many losses and difficult changes, it is nice to have unexpected news that does not result in more struggle. for now i am just looking forward to learning more about these missing puzzle pieces of my life and exploring a potentially new kind of relationship in my life.