Broken-hearted and scared...
The man I have been with nearly four years has decided that we need to put things on hold. He says that for the last few months he has been unhappy and felt I was also unhappy. I wish that he had told me something sooner, had been up front about his concerns rather then letting things continue, emotions boiling up inside of him. I feel hurt, hurt in the sense that he was too afriad to talk to me about it, not wanting to hurt me or cause heart-ache. He thought he could make everything better, I feel that to have a working and functioning relationship both parties need to communicate. I was crushed, literally felt like my heart had been torn from my chest. I have been talking to him, he says he still loves me, and is not closing the doors on the relationship, rather needs time to figure himself out, to think what needs to be done to try to correct us. Apprently, I am not in the ratio, not as his wife or girlfriend. He wants to be 'friends.' I am not quite sure what is the most painful part in all of this, that he wants to work on things as friends, then lovers, or that he bottled his feelings up for so long. This has been ultimately the shittest past few months, not that I was unhappy with him in the least bit, I adore him and love him. I am willing to be his best friend right now, try to help him when needed and wanted, in order to try to solve the problems. I know in reality there will be no quick fix over night, this could take weeks, months, never. I am willing to try. I see his point in that we didn't really didn't get to become friends before we were involved. Yet, in the same breath, I disagree with what he feels. I think that people, when in love, starting to date, whatever, grow close, become the best of friends without having to have done so before-hand. Your lover should always be your best friend. Simple and complicated as that. I wish that we had gotten a little time as friends before hand, however, he asked me out right away. I honestly do not regret meeting him, dating, loving and marrying him. Prehaps the only thing I might regret is not taking it a little slower. I am just beyond confused right now, my body feels hollow, my heart physically hurts. I know I am suffering from heart-break, and I feel like I am trapped in a horrible nightmare, waiting to wake up. I pray to whatever higher force there may be, that everything will be alright, we both will be able to change and stay changed for the better. People are telling me that I will find somebody else. In all honesty, I don't want anyone else. Too early to even think about dating again. If there is a breath of hope, I am going to do everything in my power to try. I know I have people to talk to, yet I still feel like the lonelist person alive. It scares me a little, how empty I feel. I have a share of issues, which I am willing to work out, try to change. For myself, to better myself as a person overall, and for him. After talking to him tonight, I see that he really does have some shit to work out with himself. And until he trys or even works it out with himself, that I do not need to add pressure to it. Simply be his best friend, lend an ear and offer some advice. I won't lie, it hurts like hell going through all of this. But honestly, he is worth it, love is worth it. It's weird, I was wishing he was cheating on me, then I could hate him and have a little easier time. But I can't hate him for being scared, we are after all, only human. I just want him to know, I love him and am willing to work on things. Somebody pinch me, I need to wake up from this horrible nightmare, and quick.