Update: Florida Sept. 22
And onto Thursday...
Thursday was mainly bumming around doing our own thing for the day. I think we went for another walk to the gocery store. We teased Kassey about Tomas a bit and Raya promised she'd try and get Joe to make sure there were two other people there so I didn't get left out again. Joe agreed it was a good idea and said he would try.
We met Joe at the beach in the afternoon for a swim. His brother (who Raya and Kassey both think are hot but I'm not partial to) was supposed to come down too but he didn't want to and he stayed at Joe's appartment. Joe gave Raya and I lessons on body boarding. It was kinda fun but I just don't think I have the kind of strength in the waves to be able to pull it off. After swimming we went back to Joe's appartment quickly to surprise his brother. He seemed nice but very quiet and we didn't stick around for long.
That night Joe took us to a Thai restaurant. It was very nice and the meals were huge. It took some persauding but eventually I talked him into NOT paying for our meals. Then we headed back to his appartment to wait for Lou who would be going to the casino with us. Joe's brother was supposed to be meeting us out there.
Lou sober is a very different person than Lou drunk. He's smart and funny and we actually have some stuff in common. I found him quite captivating and judging by the way he kept standing right next to me and playing with my hand and putting his arm around me I'm not entirely sure there was a complete lack of feelings (for lack of a better word) for me. Kassey must've felt left out and not happy about it because she made sure she sat herself between us in the car and she kept bring up Jared and Joe's brother.
Lou's brother piked. He called when we arrived to say he wouldn't be coming. I knew then that things weren't going to be ok. I tried to make things work but I don't think it did so in a very effective way. I failed.
When we got out of the car Lou let Kassey go ahead and stuck back with me. I must admit by this stage I was thoroughly confused but I didn't feel quite as bad about myself as two night previous. So of course eventually there was a bit of a power struggle between Kassey and I for Lou's attention. I would've been quite happy to share it and just hang out as friends but Kassey seemed to have an all or nothing approach.
Lou seemed to be making some kind of effort not to leave either of us out and I also think he was lapping up the attention. He was buying us both drinks and was walking along with Kassey on one arm and me on the other. I saw our attentions as friendly and joked that he looked like a pimp but he must have been the luckiest pimp alive because he had two Australian girls off his arms. Kassey didn't appear to find this funny.
She walked away and complained to him that she didn't want him to be holding her hand if he was holding mine too. Lou was put in a position where he had to choose. He chose her.
I didn't quite understand what was going on. I honestly thought we were all just being friends. Kassey and I had spoken and she said she'd back off so that we could all hang out as friends (she denies it now though). Lou didn't seem to have intentions either way. But then it all feel apart. They were all over each other and once again I was left out.
Joe and Raya were really good about it. They sat and spoke to me. Raya even went for a walk with me. And I feel like a bit of a prat cause I unconsciously rejected that by going back to Lou and Kassey constantly. I guess part of me was just determinded not to be beaten.
Eventually we went home. In the ride on the way home Kassey and Lou were making out and Kassey kept putting her leg on me. I was pissed off and being snippy so I kept telling her to get off me.
By the time we got back to Joe's appartment Kassey was out of it and I had cracked. It was everyone's goal to first get Kassey into bed (or rather the fold out couch). Lou of course got in with her. After this was accomplished I ended up sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen crying. Then Kassey woke up and was playing with my phone pretending to talk to someone. So I got up, gave her some water, put her back to bed and went back to crying.
Raya was obviously torn between Joe, Kassey and I. Eventually Kassey passed out and Raya gave her attention me but I think I was probably too far gone by that stage for her to have been able to do much for me, plus she'd never had any experience in dealing with one of my breakdowns. She suggested I go home to bed I was being completely irrational and I told her if I had to leave again by myself tonight I'd get a plane ticket home the next day.
Joe tried talking sense to me. He kept saying there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed to have a more positive attitude and things wouldn't seem so bad. I wanted to tell him that he had no idea and there was nothing positive in the dark places but I just didn't have the energy to argue. I ended laying with my head in Raya's lap crying.
I said I wish I could just say the things I had to say but I didn't have the courage. They gave me three pieces of paper and told me to write small front and back and write it all down. I laid on the living room floor and I did. By the time I was finished it (or at least by the time I had filled the paper) was 5.30am and everyone but me was asleep. I moved to the chair and dozed a bit but Lou's snoring kept me awake (Raya said that it was typically inconsiderate of him - or something along those lines).
Raya came woke to go the bathroom so she came and checked on me. I told her I had run out of paper and she asked if I wanted more. I said no and she'd soothed me almost to sleep then turned off the light and went back to bed. I hate being alone in the dark when I'm depressed so I work up again and started crying. I kept telling myself when the sun rised I could go the beach (Raya had told me I couldn't go by myself in the dark) and I just had to wait a little longer but I cried myself to sleep.
At about 6.15 am the first of Lou's alarms went off. It was daylight so I got up and left the appartment and went to the beach to watch the sunrise properly. I sat there for almost an hour (a general hint if I'm ever depressed/having a break down take me to water -even if you have to stick me in the shower- or somewhere high but secure where there's open air and I can see lights belows).
I was going to go back to our appartment and make breakfast then take it to them back at Joe's as an apology for ruining the night. But I got there and realised I didn't have a key. It took me half an hour to get back into Joe's appartment to get the key and when I got there it was clear no one was getting up for breakfast anytime soon so I took the key and went and had a shower and got dressed.
Kat.
Thursday was mainly bumming around doing our own thing for the day. I think we went for another walk to the gocery store. We teased Kassey about Tomas a bit and Raya promised she'd try and get Joe to make sure there were two other people there so I didn't get left out again. Joe agreed it was a good idea and said he would try.
We met Joe at the beach in the afternoon for a swim. His brother (who Raya and Kassey both think are hot but I'm not partial to) was supposed to come down too but he didn't want to and he stayed at Joe's appartment. Joe gave Raya and I lessons on body boarding. It was kinda fun but I just don't think I have the kind of strength in the waves to be able to pull it off. After swimming we went back to Joe's appartment quickly to surprise his brother. He seemed nice but very quiet and we didn't stick around for long.
That night Joe took us to a Thai restaurant. It was very nice and the meals were huge. It took some persauding but eventually I talked him into NOT paying for our meals. Then we headed back to his appartment to wait for Lou who would be going to the casino with us. Joe's brother was supposed to be meeting us out there.
Lou sober is a very different person than Lou drunk. He's smart and funny and we actually have some stuff in common. I found him quite captivating and judging by the way he kept standing right next to me and playing with my hand and putting his arm around me I'm not entirely sure there was a complete lack of feelings (for lack of a better word) for me. Kassey must've felt left out and not happy about it because she made sure she sat herself between us in the car and she kept bring up Jared and Joe's brother.
Lou's brother piked. He called when we arrived to say he wouldn't be coming. I knew then that things weren't going to be ok. I tried to make things work but I don't think it did so in a very effective way. I failed.
When we got out of the car Lou let Kassey go ahead and stuck back with me. I must admit by this stage I was thoroughly confused but I didn't feel quite as bad about myself as two night previous. So of course eventually there was a bit of a power struggle between Kassey and I for Lou's attention. I would've been quite happy to share it and just hang out as friends but Kassey seemed to have an all or nothing approach.
Lou seemed to be making some kind of effort not to leave either of us out and I also think he was lapping up the attention. He was buying us both drinks and was walking along with Kassey on one arm and me on the other. I saw our attentions as friendly and joked that he looked like a pimp but he must have been the luckiest pimp alive because he had two Australian girls off his arms. Kassey didn't appear to find this funny.
She walked away and complained to him that she didn't want him to be holding her hand if he was holding mine too. Lou was put in a position where he had to choose. He chose her.
I didn't quite understand what was going on. I honestly thought we were all just being friends. Kassey and I had spoken and she said she'd back off so that we could all hang out as friends (she denies it now though). Lou didn't seem to have intentions either way. But then it all feel apart. They were all over each other and once again I was left out.
Joe and Raya were really good about it. They sat and spoke to me. Raya even went for a walk with me. And I feel like a bit of a prat cause I unconsciously rejected that by going back to Lou and Kassey constantly. I guess part of me was just determinded not to be beaten.
Eventually we went home. In the ride on the way home Kassey and Lou were making out and Kassey kept putting her leg on me. I was pissed off and being snippy so I kept telling her to get off me.
By the time we got back to Joe's appartment Kassey was out of it and I had cracked. It was everyone's goal to first get Kassey into bed (or rather the fold out couch). Lou of course got in with her. After this was accomplished I ended up sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen crying. Then Kassey woke up and was playing with my phone pretending to talk to someone. So I got up, gave her some water, put her back to bed and went back to crying.
Raya was obviously torn between Joe, Kassey and I. Eventually Kassey passed out and Raya gave her attention me but I think I was probably too far gone by that stage for her to have been able to do much for me, plus she'd never had any experience in dealing with one of my breakdowns. She suggested I go home to bed I was being completely irrational and I told her if I had to leave again by myself tonight I'd get a plane ticket home the next day.
Joe tried talking sense to me. He kept saying there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed to have a more positive attitude and things wouldn't seem so bad. I wanted to tell him that he had no idea and there was nothing positive in the dark places but I just didn't have the energy to argue. I ended laying with my head in Raya's lap crying.
I said I wish I could just say the things I had to say but I didn't have the courage. They gave me three pieces of paper and told me to write small front and back and write it all down. I laid on the living room floor and I did. By the time I was finished it (or at least by the time I had filled the paper) was 5.30am and everyone but me was asleep. I moved to the chair and dozed a bit but Lou's snoring kept me awake (Raya said that it was typically inconsiderate of him - or something along those lines).
Raya came woke to go the bathroom so she came and checked on me. I told her I had run out of paper and she asked if I wanted more. I said no and she'd soothed me almost to sleep then turned off the light and went back to bed. I hate being alone in the dark when I'm depressed so I work up again and started crying. I kept telling myself when the sun rised I could go the beach (Raya had told me I couldn't go by myself in the dark) and I just had to wait a little longer but I cried myself to sleep.
At about 6.15 am the first of Lou's alarms went off. It was daylight so I got up and left the appartment and went to the beach to watch the sunrise properly. I sat there for almost an hour (a general hint if I'm ever depressed/having a break down take me to water -even if you have to stick me in the shower- or somewhere high but secure where there's open air and I can see lights belows).
I was going to go back to our appartment and make breakfast then take it to them back at Joe's as an apology for ruining the night. But I got there and realised I didn't have a key. It took me half an hour to get back into Joe's appartment to get the key and when I got there it was clear no one was getting up for breakfast anytime soon so I took the key and went and had a shower and got dressed.
Kat.