Misadventure with a Limb
“ Lirli, wait-“ Rainbow tried to remember what she’d said that set her friend tearing through the trees like that. They’d been talking about so many things, like they always did. She couldn’t remember which was last. “Lirli, what did I say
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First off, I'd have to say that the names of these two characters struck an odd chord with me. I don't have anything against rainbows as a thing, but as someone's name? It's loaded with connotations and would always make me think of children's shows--and the character, for me, would always be stuck in immaturity even as an adult.
I'm confused about the age of these characters in this piece, anyway. I was envisioning teenagers, because of the emphasis on what Rainbow SAYS to Lirli that sets her off ahead like that. Teenagers have in-depth conversations with each other where it's likely that they'll put their feet in their mouths every once in a while, but younger children would typically just be playing or play-acting rather than talking. If they are younger than teens, it would make sense for one to have broken some rule or another of their make-believe--that would be enough to send Lirli sulking away from her friend, but not necessarily so much that she wouldn't come back to her once she knew she was hurt.
Contrary to your first editor, I'd have to say that I don't really mind not knowing what precisely set Lirli off. I also would have to say that children are really not "for the most part, bastards;" I can say this because I've worked in daycare for almost six years now. xD I would say that the children in this story, if they are in fact as young as I am describing, would be atypical in their acceptance of blame for Rainbow's accident. (And also, for using the word "dreadful;" these things point to Victorian teenagers to me.) But they would not necessarily be arguing about whose fault it was. Maybe it would happen that they would bond over trying to hide the evidence of their mutual transgression, though.
I was thrown off same as shmoopy about the appearance and movement of your creatures. The wing-arm-foot things are confusing; if this is part of a larger story I can see why you wouldn't want to go into an exposition of how they're built, but for the piece to stand on its own I would suggest doing it anyway for comprehension's sake.
Your writing style is very loose and casual. I would be careful about that tipping over into bland:
"Carefully, she put [that] foot on the ground, more or less inside the bushes, and moved to a vertical position. [There really wasn’t] enough room here to leap into the air, the trees were dense only a couple of feet above her head. [And] standing, the knee on her good side felt wobbly. She doubted she could leap into the air one-footed with [that] knee."
This paragraph sort of highlights what I mean. You're showcasing the character getting up. It's just not the most interesting part of what could be happening: is she angry about Lirli zooming off and leaving her to get hurt? Is she worried that maybe Lirli won't come back for her? Does she miss her parents, or is she worried that they will be upset about her getting injured when she could have been safe at home doing her chores? The choice of words that you use are noncommittal and imprecise, which slows down the action and comes off as filler.
I'm going to echo shmoopy's confusion about why it was difficult for someone taller to help someone shorter out of a bush. Maybe this obstacle is not necessary, or could be replaced with something else?
It sounds like you have a very interesting concept built up around your world, and your characters belong there. Their personalities are evident of their upbringing in your universe, and they seem at home. :3 Are they a part of something else, where we see them as adults, or is this world exploration on your part?
Hope this helps you out, and happy writing! Let me know if you need clarification on anything, and since I'm fairly new as an editor, if I should change my approach . . . :3
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