an email i sent to my sister, that I want to remember....
Hi my beautiful Siesel..
I'm sorry you are feeling frumpy. I wish I could say things to take that feeling away. I understand the feeling, though, because I get like that sometimes and talking to you about it always makes me feel better. I think I hit my low point a month or so ago when my 'weight-goal shirts' (the shirts that I couldn't fit into, but then I could) no longer fit me and it had taken me so long to fit into them. That was when I really started noticing the way I see myself and feel about myself and talk to myself. Always 'self-talking' shit to myself, you know? About what a fat loser I was and how much weight I had regained. I have been trying to train myself to alter my self-talk, which sounds really silly. But when I catch myself in my mind putting myself down, I correct myself and turn it around. Like 'omg it took you a year to fit into that t-shirt and you were so proud, but you fucked it up and packed a lot of that weight back and now look at you'. I never fully realized how freaking often I put myself down in my head until I really started paying attention. I was even using that hateful self-talk as motivation, but it wasn't ENCOURAGING motivation, it was more like "you are a fat piece of shit, do something about it". I always thought that was ok, because it would give me spurts of inspiration to get back to trying to lose weight, but itwasn't sticking to it and I couldn't figure out why.
I'm just now starting to realize that my hateful ugly self-talk is not true motivation for me. Because why work at getting skinnier, or have a cleaner house, or get happier or more peaceful if I am looking at myself like a piece of shit? You know what I mean? I'm just starting to recognize that. I'd look at pictures and stare at myself in the mirror and think such ugly hateful things, and then try to use that as inspiration to get motivated. But I think it just dawned on me the pattern I get myself into, because if I do well for a few days and then slip up, I immediately say to myself 'see? you are just a fat shit, I told you'. Because that is the way I talked to myself to get motivated in the first place.
So finally a few weeks ago I started retraining myself and the way I think about myself. And I think it is just now starting to take hold, which I think is part of the reason I have been inspired to gut and clean everything in my apartment. Because I am starting to talk to myself with love, not with hate. Instead of looking at a picture and going 'omfg I hate the way I look' I stop myself and say, "every single moment, every single minute of our lives is a chance at starting new, at making new choices and recreating ourselves. Let's do this." And when I slip up again...I repeat the loving encouragement. I repeat it as necessary, trying not to pay attention to how many times I am 'slipping up', because hell, let's face it, sometimes it is several times a day..but rather trying to train myself to remember that every minute, literally, is a fresh start.
All we have is this moment, right now. We can't turn back the clock and take away the things that we aren't happy with. All we have power over is right NOW...and deciding what is going to define MY 'right now'. Do I want to begin my 'fresh starts' with self-hate and abusive self-talk? Or do I want to embrace and feel joy that omg...I have a new start! Like that awesome feeling of opening a fresh notebook to write on the first page! And we can do this every. single. minute. Change our thoughts, change the way we feel about ourselves..say lovely things to ourselves! When I first started paying attention, I felt like a psycho, because I would start berating myself and then immediately catch it and say 'NO. no. You are amazing. Let's make a fresh start right now. What should we do with our fresh notebook?"
I love you so much!!
And the more I have practiced all this, the more results I have seen. Like one of my fresh start thoughts last week was: 'Let's try a new vegetable, something fun and daring and experiment with ways to prepare it! And I stumbled across dandelion greens at the market. Dandelion greens?? Well, I had read once how good they are for you. So I bought them, and made a salad, and then said wait, no...let's not use the processed bleu cheese dressing that I love, but lets make an oil/balsamic vinegar/gorgonzola crumble dressing instead! OH and lets throw in an avocado! Then I would eat that for a few days, and I would even randomly google the benefits of dandelion greens, just so I could look at the words and get excited about all the good things I am putting into my body. Like a reminder! And I think about them working inside of my body, releasing all of the amazing nutrients. And everytime I grabbed some of that salad I would eat it and think about all of the good stuff getting into my body. And it has gotten easier the more I do it. That's just one example...another is the cleaning..like usually when I start to clean I motivate myself by thinking about how sloppy I am, and what a pig I am, and then I start to clean. But I lose motivation quickly because I have already branded myself as a 'pig'. This week I have been working myself up to clean by saying 'I love my apartment, and my space, what can I do to raise the energy even more?" Then it's like a party.
Last week I was having a frumpy moment and was so tired after a long day at work, and feeling gross cause my scrubs that day were tight on me...and I said 'hey, you are strong, and you are awesome, I know you are tired but let's just stop at the gym for 10 minutes ok? or go for a 10 minute walk" And instead of kicking myself for only 10 minutes, I said 'yay! that was 10 minutes of the elliptical, when you could have spent those 10 minutes sitting on the couch! Look what you did there!"
This week I've been cleaning and going to the gym every day and eating my dandelion salads, and salmon, and i'm going to have one more burst of cleaning for the week when I gut and clean my altar tonight, which is my very favorite and sacred place in my apartment. I'm excited!
I'm sorry you are feeling frumpy. I wish I could say things to take that feeling away. I understand the feeling, though, because I get like that sometimes and talking to you about it always makes me feel better. I think I hit my low point a month or so ago when my 'weight-goal shirts' (the shirts that I couldn't fit into, but then I could) no longer fit me and it had taken me so long to fit into them. That was when I really started noticing the way I see myself and feel about myself and talk to myself. Always 'self-talking' shit to myself, you know? About what a fat loser I was and how much weight I had regained. I have been trying to train myself to alter my self-talk, which sounds really silly. But when I catch myself in my mind putting myself down, I correct myself and turn it around. Like 'omg it took you a year to fit into that t-shirt and you were so proud, but you fucked it up and packed a lot of that weight back and now look at you'. I never fully realized how freaking often I put myself down in my head until I really started paying attention. I was even using that hateful self-talk as motivation, but it wasn't ENCOURAGING motivation, it was more like "you are a fat piece of shit, do something about it". I always thought that was ok, because it would give me spurts of inspiration to get back to trying to lose weight, but itwasn't sticking to it and I couldn't figure out why.
I'm just now starting to realize that my hateful ugly self-talk is not true motivation for me. Because why work at getting skinnier, or have a cleaner house, or get happier or more peaceful if I am looking at myself like a piece of shit? You know what I mean? I'm just starting to recognize that. I'd look at pictures and stare at myself in the mirror and think such ugly hateful things, and then try to use that as inspiration to get motivated. But I think it just dawned on me the pattern I get myself into, because if I do well for a few days and then slip up, I immediately say to myself 'see? you are just a fat shit, I told you'. Because that is the way I talked to myself to get motivated in the first place.
So finally a few weeks ago I started retraining myself and the way I think about myself. And I think it is just now starting to take hold, which I think is part of the reason I have been inspired to gut and clean everything in my apartment. Because I am starting to talk to myself with love, not with hate. Instead of looking at a picture and going 'omfg I hate the way I look' I stop myself and say, "every single moment, every single minute of our lives is a chance at starting new, at making new choices and recreating ourselves. Let's do this." And when I slip up again...I repeat the loving encouragement. I repeat it as necessary, trying not to pay attention to how many times I am 'slipping up', because hell, let's face it, sometimes it is several times a day..but rather trying to train myself to remember that every minute, literally, is a fresh start.
All we have is this moment, right now. We can't turn back the clock and take away the things that we aren't happy with. All we have power over is right NOW...and deciding what is going to define MY 'right now'. Do I want to begin my 'fresh starts' with self-hate and abusive self-talk? Or do I want to embrace and feel joy that omg...I have a new start! Like that awesome feeling of opening a fresh notebook to write on the first page! And we can do this every. single. minute. Change our thoughts, change the way we feel about ourselves..say lovely things to ourselves! When I first started paying attention, I felt like a psycho, because I would start berating myself and then immediately catch it and say 'NO. no. You are amazing. Let's make a fresh start right now. What should we do with our fresh notebook?"
I love you so much!!
And the more I have practiced all this, the more results I have seen. Like one of my fresh start thoughts last week was: 'Let's try a new vegetable, something fun and daring and experiment with ways to prepare it! And I stumbled across dandelion greens at the market. Dandelion greens?? Well, I had read once how good they are for you. So I bought them, and made a salad, and then said wait, no...let's not use the processed bleu cheese dressing that I love, but lets make an oil/balsamic vinegar/gorgonzola crumble dressing instead! OH and lets throw in an avocado! Then I would eat that for a few days, and I would even randomly google the benefits of dandelion greens, just so I could look at the words and get excited about all the good things I am putting into my body. Like a reminder! And I think about them working inside of my body, releasing all of the amazing nutrients. And everytime I grabbed some of that salad I would eat it and think about all of the good stuff getting into my body. And it has gotten easier the more I do it. That's just one example...another is the cleaning..like usually when I start to clean I motivate myself by thinking about how sloppy I am, and what a pig I am, and then I start to clean. But I lose motivation quickly because I have already branded myself as a 'pig'. This week I have been working myself up to clean by saying 'I love my apartment, and my space, what can I do to raise the energy even more?" Then it's like a party.
Last week I was having a frumpy moment and was so tired after a long day at work, and feeling gross cause my scrubs that day were tight on me...and I said 'hey, you are strong, and you are awesome, I know you are tired but let's just stop at the gym for 10 minutes ok? or go for a 10 minute walk" And instead of kicking myself for only 10 minutes, I said 'yay! that was 10 minutes of the elliptical, when you could have spent those 10 minutes sitting on the couch! Look what you did there!"
This week I've been cleaning and going to the gym every day and eating my dandelion salads, and salmon, and i'm going to have one more burst of cleaning for the week when I gut and clean my altar tonight, which is my very favorite and sacred place in my apartment. I'm excited!