My Parents Taught Me to Fight
My parents taught me to fight. I slam doors, scream loudly, curse and spit. Someday i hope to control my emotions and have the ability to convey my frustrations with complex vocabulary words like the characters on Dawsons Creek. However, until then, i will always abrubtly end an argument by slamming a door behind me and then regret not saying all that needed to be said. My parents fought; they screamed, slammed doors, and squealed out of driveways just like me. In the end, they always reconciled. During the argument it seemed as though they were always fighting with each other, but later i've realized that they were fighting for their relationship. They continue to win their battles....and i'm determined to win too.
My relationship has its problems. In fact, lately it seems as though our problems overshadow every smile, every laugh, every hug and kiss. Some might call it a "rainy day". I tend to be a passive aggressive person who avoids conflict at all costs. But, the time will come when i just cannot take it anymore. I can feel him pushing away and the inevitable is approaching like a catagory 5 hurricane. It's going to blow away the perfect relationship that i've built. Here and there, i begin to patch up the leaks, but now there are so many that i've lost control. People keep telling me that i might be postponing the inevitable; i should just let it happen.
But, my parents taught me to fight! I'm fighting with all that i've got. I love him. I want this to work more than anything. I'm trying my very very best, but each day a new leak sprouts and my confidence drops.
"You don't do enough cardio." (hurt)
"I don't believe in everlasting love." (huh?)
"Do you think we should open the relationship?" (hell no)
"I don't like your hair the way you've fixed it." (ok...)
"You'll never lead anything in your life!" (fuck you)
"You sound gay." (what should i sound like?)
"I don't want to say 'i love you' as much anymore." (why??)
I don't think i'll ever really know if he said those things just to hurt me, or if he really meant them. Nevertheless, words do hurt me. Whenever you love someone so unconditionally, as i have loved him, there is a certain vulnerablilty that accompanies it. No one wishes to open their heart only to have it smashed and punched. So why do i put up with it?
He's everything i thought i ever wanted. Smart, Attractive, Healthy, Outgoing, great kisser, great lover, sensitive. Plus, i've invested so much energy, time, money into a lasting relationship. I absolutely refuse to fail. I will fight -- just like my parents fought. I will win....i hope.
My relationship has its problems. In fact, lately it seems as though our problems overshadow every smile, every laugh, every hug and kiss. Some might call it a "rainy day". I tend to be a passive aggressive person who avoids conflict at all costs. But, the time will come when i just cannot take it anymore. I can feel him pushing away and the inevitable is approaching like a catagory 5 hurricane. It's going to blow away the perfect relationship that i've built. Here and there, i begin to patch up the leaks, but now there are so many that i've lost control. People keep telling me that i might be postponing the inevitable; i should just let it happen.
But, my parents taught me to fight! I'm fighting with all that i've got. I love him. I want this to work more than anything. I'm trying my very very best, but each day a new leak sprouts and my confidence drops.
"You don't do enough cardio." (hurt)
"I don't believe in everlasting love." (huh?)
"Do you think we should open the relationship?" (hell no)
"I don't like your hair the way you've fixed it." (ok...)
"You'll never lead anything in your life!" (fuck you)
"You sound gay." (what should i sound like?)
"I don't want to say 'i love you' as much anymore." (why??)
I don't think i'll ever really know if he said those things just to hurt me, or if he really meant them. Nevertheless, words do hurt me. Whenever you love someone so unconditionally, as i have loved him, there is a certain vulnerablilty that accompanies it. No one wishes to open their heart only to have it smashed and punched. So why do i put up with it?
He's everything i thought i ever wanted. Smart, Attractive, Healthy, Outgoing, great kisser, great lover, sensitive. Plus, i've invested so much energy, time, money into a lasting relationship. I absolutely refuse to fail. I will fight -- just like my parents fought. I will win....i hope.