(no subject)
I HAVE WON WIMBLEDON, CLAIMS MUGABE
The de facto president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, announced today that he is the outright winner of the Wimbledon All-England tennis championship. The two designated finalists, Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, had previously pulled out, claiming that a decisive backhand smash or a well-executed lob-volley might have put their lives in serious danger.
Independent umpires claimed that the contest was "not free and fair" and called on the International Tennis Federation to take action. But the unseeded 84-year-old responded, saying, "The people have spoken. They mostly said: please stop hitting me." He followed his victory with moves to "reclaim" Centre Court from "imperialist white settlers" and turn the land over to the State.
"I hoped that my record on grass would stand me in good stead," reflected world number one Roger Federer. "But Mugabe came back angrily, telling me, ‘You cannot be serious. Your balls are on the line.’ It was then that I decided to withdraw from the tournament."
"At one point I succeeded in breaking his serve," added Nadal. "He responded by breaking my legs. It's very difficult to play in those conditions."
BBC commentator Tim Henman was more sanguine about Mugabe's first grandslam victory. "I suppose it's nice to know that Federer can be beaten," he told reporters. "Even if it does take a mass-murdering delusional dictator backed by a mob of armed supporters to do it."
ENDS