(no subject)
To: L Colin Wilson, c/o Luath Press Ltd., 543/2 Castlehill, Edinburgh EH1 2ND.
Dear Mr Wilson
I write to complain in the strongest possible terms. I recently purchased a copy of your book, the Scots Language Learner, from the Internet, because I was due to attend a business conference in Livingston. While visiting Scotland I thought it would be desirable to ‘interact’ with the ‘locals’ in their ‘native tongue’.
I applied myself to the language course in your book with all due diligence and felt, when it came round to the conference, that I had reached a tolerable competance in the language (or ‘leid’ - you see something of the fluency I had attained). After I had dispensed my business duties, I went excitedly into a nearby public house, the Paraffin Lamp, to try out my new-found language skills. The landlord saw me approach the bar and greeted me with a jovial, ‘All right?’
Recalling the conversation practice in the first chapter of your book, I responded unhesitatingly by replying, ‘Nae baud at aw, an whit like yersel? Whit a braw bonnie day tae be oot an aboot!’
To my surprise, he did not seem particularly happy with this, and asked me, ‘What did you say, pal?’ in a decidedly unfriendly tone of voice. I repeated my greeting, and explained for good measure, ‘A wis born and brocht up in London, but A'v bin lairnin yer ain Scots leid for a wee whilie!’, before ordering ‘jist a glaiss o guid whusky an watter, the noo!’
At this point, the gentleman beside me at the bar, who was drinking from a bottle of local Buckfast Tonic Wine, seemed to become agitated, and asked the barman heatedly why ‘this English prick is talking like a ned’, and whether I was ‘looking to get [my] head kicked in’.
‘A'm no that!’ I assured him in a conciliatory tone. ‘A'm no sae glaikit! A jist wantit tae meet a puckle local bodies tae hae a blether!’
Perhaps my pronunciation was at fault, but both men took this very badly. The barman became quite upset, and began to offer me what seemed to be a range of quite pointed suggestions, none of which I could find in the Glossary to your book. The other gentleman, perhaps sensing my incomprehension, accompanied him with a variety of illustrative hand gestures.
In an attempt get them back ‘on side’, I removed my overcoat with a flourish to reveal that I was wearing a full kilt and tam-o-shanter decorated in the McHardy tartan. I can only conclude from their violent response that Livingston is not a welcoming place for McHardys or that the pub in question is loyal to some other local clan.
I saw some irony in the fact that your Introduction suggests local Scots ‘really ought to be on their knees thanking you’ for using their language, when in fact it was I who was on my knees, having been punched viciously in the face by an irate barman. Instead of interceding, the other man chose to join in the violence, paying no heed whatever to my fluent cries of, ‘Are ye gaunae no dae that?’
Regrettably, therefore, I must request a refund of the £9.99 I spent on your language book, and I will be forwarding my hospital bill to your publishers in due course.
Wi best regairds,
John Mulchard (rtd.), Ward 4, Canterbury General Hospital